Ex and I were talking for a while. Where do I go from here?

[smartGXL]

Hey everyone!

 

I wont bore everyone with the details of why my ex and I broke up (other than a quick rundown of the reason - which was that I ignored her too much during the relationship and we broke up over a misunderstanding over a trip to texas that I took last Thanksgiving).

 

She ended it on Dec 30. I immediately went NC (I am a veteran of getting dumped and using NC to get over the ex and move on). Now, I know that once someone dumps you - you pretty much have to IMMEDIATELY try to YANK your energy away from them and focus on yourself, and try to move on. Which, as we all know, is easier said than done. I have been just as miserable this past year as anyone, pining away, wishing I had not messed up and lost her. You know the drill. But still trying trying trying trying to move on.

 

So anyway, the months go by and we rarely see each other at all or run into each other (we work in the same office, sit about 100 ft from each other but hardly ever run into each other or see each other in the office - it is very odd). The one time we DID run into each other, she was a little awkward. She is like a ninja or something, she stays invisible, and it is like she doesnt even work there. I would see her friend in the office from time to time, who would say hello to me but I could tell, she was keeping her distance.

 

So, back in April, after a good 4 months of really no contact and trying to move on, I decided to re-initiate some contact with her. I sent her an (non-needy) 11 page hand-written letter, to explain some things to her, to which she never responded and wouldnt even tell me if she received it or not. I said fine, she wont even respond to me after writing 11 pages...fine. She is not worth it anymore then.

 

I waited another couple months, living my life, doing my thing, and discovered some things about myself that really shocked me and showed me why I am a jerk in relationships and why I then pine away for them when they dump me. This caused me to realize the breakup really was mostly my fault, and the pining and longing is really because of a lovesickness I have - I am a love addict and have DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder) so, now, anytime I hurt really bad for her, I just remind myself, this is my sickness speaking...not because she is ignoring me. The reason I have this - I was physically abused as a baby by my mother! She told me that she almost killed me when I was 6 mos old. I will post more about that on another thread, as I think this revelation will help others. So anyway, I decided that the best thing for me to do is withdraw from wanting her, because I dont want to hurt her, I just want to focus on getting healthy and then maybe, someday down the road, I will meet a great person and date and marry her for the right reasons - not just because I am needy and need a woman in my life to fill the hole. This caused me to get over her real quick! I decided from that point on, I NEVER want to run into her again, because it causes me pine for her and because I just want to move on with my life and start the healing.

 

However, on June 20, I decided to wish her a happy birthday, she did respond with a "thank you" text. Then on July 1, we ran into each other at work, and when she saw me, her face lit up! She said HI!!!! and she had a Big Happy Smile on her face, after seeing me. It was like she was genuinely happy to see me! So I texted her something funny like "Hey, you are not allowed to use those stairs! Those are my stairs!" and from there we did start having a nice back and forth friendly conversation, on average one text per person per day. Nothing serious. it took her on average about 15 hours to respond to each text but at least we were talking a little bit. The whole time, I was happy that we were talking, but trying to not get my hopes up about anything.

 

Then, it seemed like all week long, we kept running into each other at work! And when we would see each other, it was a surprise but she would smile, look me in the eye, flirt and say Hi as we passed by each other. It was great! So after MONTHS of not seeing each other at work, we suddenly keep running into each other, and she is being nice, and almost flirtatious! Also, her friend is now much more warm to me - walking next to me and chatting with me when she sees me. Very sudden strange change of attitude!

 

Finally, on thursday, based on the nice talking and the flirting in the hallway, I decided to ask her if she would like to meet for coffee or drinks sometime and she said Sure...this was a positive step! I invited her to go to pizza that night, she said thanks but could not that night, so I said ok how about sometime this weekend? She said she couldnt, and that she is on call this week coming up (the week we are in now) but that after this next week, so I said ok.

 

I then waited until Monday, and sent her a text, saying "Hi, how was your weekend", which she never responded to at all.

 

SO...after this LONG post (sorry so long), my question is this: should I read anything into her non-response to my last text? I am wondering, did she just forget about my post (which would tell me I am not that important to her), or is she playing a game? Is she viciously flirting with me and talking with me to get my hopes up, and then dropping me cold? Or, do you think maybe she is scared to open the door to me again? Maybe she was just being friendly because she is no longer angry at me, and I was reading too much into her communication? Im just trying to not get my hopes up, I worked so hard to get over her, finally did, and then of course as soon as I did, she starts popping up back in my life and being friendly-flirty. I dont want to get my hopes up over this...Im trying to stay centered.

 

Thanks in advance for reading all of this and for any advice you may be able to give!! What does anyone think about this?

[utterer of lies]

 

blah blah blah wtf 11 page handwritten letter??? blah blah

 

 

 

She was relieved that you were finally over her, so she agreed to coffee and some texting (15 hours answer-time says it all). Then you did the wrong thing and asked her out, and she realized that you are not over her. So she pulled back.

 

Leave her alone.

[Girlygirl1977]

I think she thought you could be friends and going to coffee was a step in that direction. You took it to have more meaning than it did.

 

The key in your situation is to take things really slowly - even with a friendship. There are likely to be guards up especially from the person who did the breakup. I know this was the case with me when I did the breakup. But it can still workout if you proceed slowly.

 

In this case, you went for coffee and then you wanted to ask her out right away. I think she gave you a non-commital answer/nice no for that reason. She is now questioning your motives - do you want to be friends or are you trying to date her again.

 

Something was not working in your relationship for her and that's why she broke up with you. So she will be hesitant to fall right back into a relationship quickly - and she may never be interested but would be ok with a friendship.

 

This is why she hasn't responded to your text msg as well. It reminds her of your intentions to possibly date her again. You need to stand back now. If she wants to continue contact, let her come to you.

 

Also try to get out and date others so that will help reduce your pining away for her.

[lorilynne]

SmartGXL...please don't take this the wrong way but it's impossible for an 11 page letter to be non-needy. IDK how long you two were together but if it was for anything less than 11 years, it's hard to believe 11 pages isn't overkill. This is probably why you didn't see her at work. She pulled the ninja act because she was avoiding dealing with you. After some time passed and you two were able to see each other with out her receiving another 11 page letter, she figured she could be civil with you. Now you're starting to obsess and it's freaking her out. Just stop. Save yourself the pain and misery of going back to day 1 and just initiate NC. Smile when you see her at work but don't initiate a conversation. Become the ninja yourself!

[smartGXL]

She was relieved that you were finally over her, so she agreed to coffee and some texting (15 hours answer-time says it all). Then you did the wrong thing and asked her out, and she realized that you are not over her. So she pulled back.

 

Leave her alone.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

I never actually told her I was over her. Although I did tell her back in April (in the 11 page letter) about a girl I had met and was dating at the time.

 

The only reason I started really texting her was because she was flirting with me when she would see me...and because she sometimes spies on ME at work! I have caught her twice checking me out when she thought I would not be looking! And then when I did catch her, she quickly looks away and pretends like she wasnt looking. if she is 100% over me, why is she spying on me, wondering what I am doing, etc. i wouldnt be texting her AT ALL if she wasnt giving me signs that she is open to talking to me, firting with me, spying on me, her friend suddenly being very open with me, etc. It is confusing. if she doesnt want to talk to me or is scared of me, she shouldnt be spying on me!

[Girlygirl1977]

SmartGXL...please don't take this the wrong way but it's impossible for an 11 page letter to be non-needy. IDK how long you two were together but if it was for anything less than 11 years, it's hard to believe 11 pages isn't overkill. This is probably why you didn't see her at work. She pulled the ninja act because she was avoiding dealing with you. After some time passed and you two were able to see each other with out her receiving another 11 page letter, she figured she could be civil with you. Now you're starting to obsess and it's freaking her out. Just stop. Save yourself the pain and misery of going back to day 1 and just initiate NC. Smile when you see her at work but don't initiate a conversation. Become the ninja yourself!

 

Yes I have to agree that an 11 page letter is out of control. I would never pen such a thing, nor would I advise someone I know to do so. There is no way the recipient would not think you were slightly obsessed.

[smartGXL]

I think she thought you could be friends and going to coffee was a step in that direction. You took it to have more meaning than it did.

 

The key in your situation is to take things really slowly - even with a friendship. There are likely to be guards up especially from the person who did the breakup. I know this was the case with me when I did the breakup. But it can still workout if you proceed slowly.

 

In this case, you went for coffee and then you wanted to ask her out right away. I think she gave you a non-commital answer/nice no for that reason. She is now questioning your motives - do you want to be friends or are you trying to date her again.

 

Something was not working in your relationship for her and that's why she broke up with you. So she will be hesitant to fall right back into a relationship quickly - and she may never be interested but would be ok with a friendship.

 

This is why she hasn't responded to your text msg as well. It reminds her of your intentions to possibly date her again. You need to stand back now. If she wants to continue contact, let her come to you.

 

Also try to get out and date others so that will help reduce your pining away for her.

 

Well, with this girl, she sought me out. I dated her, but she admitted to me that she loved me more than any other man before. But she has some physical health issues and I was not sure if I wanted to stay in Chicago or move to Texas to be with my family when i met her. I was forced to choose between her or my family. So i was keeping my distance from her, and being somewhat of a jerk during the relationship as well (this is a result of my abuse). So when the miscommunication about my trip to Texas for thanksgiving happened, she got pissed, withdrew and broke it up a month later.

 

I have been dating other people; and the pining went away when i realized that that was actually a symptom of the abuse issues and love sickness I have. I am wanting t work things out with this girl for various reasons. It was towards the end of the relationship that I started falling for her big time. But because the nature of our relationship was that i was keeping our distance, it was too late when a miscommunication finally happened between us.

[smartGXL]

SmartGXL...please don't take this the wrong way but it's impossible for an 11 page letter to be non-needy. IDK how long you two were together but if it was for anything less than 11 years, it's hard to believe 11 pages isn't overkill. This is probably why you didn't see her at work. She pulled the ninja act because she was avoiding dealing with you. After some time passed and you two were able to see each other with out her receiving another 11 page letter, she figured she could be civil with you. Now you're starting to obsess and it's freaking her out. Just stop. Save yourself the pain and misery of going back to day 1 and just initiate NC. Smile when you see her at work but don't initiate a conversation. Become the ninja yourself!

 

thank you for your input...well, actually, one of the reasons it was 11 pages was because I have bad handwriting and write very large! She didnt really pull a ninja act, she was always like this at work when we were dating too...we rarely bump into each other for some reason. But I myself have been the ninja...trying to avoid her at work for the past 7 months.

 

I guess Im just trying to figure out why, as soon as I got over someone, she starts running into me, flirting with me, spying on me.

[smartGXL]

Yes I have to agree that an 11 page letter is out of control. I would never pen such a thing, nor would I advise someone I know to do so. There is no way the recipient would not think you were slightly obsessed.

 

Well I wrote her a letter because there were some things I was trying to get off of my chest. I did tell her I was still interested but that I was meeting other people and was seein someone tho.

 

I guess I just dont know why she would refuse to tell me wheter or not she got the letter but would then later agree to met for coffee, flirt with me, spy on me at work??

[Thomas X Forever]

Are you officially diagnosed by a professional with D.P.D. or are you just self diagnosing?

[smartGXL]

Are you officially diagnosed by a professional with D.P.D. or are you just self diagnosing?

 

Diagnosed.

 

I have been in therapy since my mother confessed to the physical abuse.

 

i actually tried therapy a year ago (after a previous breakup i went thru...friendships and relationships keep dissolving on me and so I went a year ago; she told me that I simply had depression, high anxiety and low self esteem. But apparantly she was not sure of the root causes). But all she wanted to do was put me on anti-depression meds and I dodnt think that was my answer (the side effects were worse than the depression).

 

So, this january, after this most recent breakup, I was on the phone with my mother and she started crying, I asked her why is she crying? She said because this was mostly her fault...she then went on to tell me that she beat me when I was only 6 mos old! I asked her why should beat me, an innocent 6 month old baby, and she told me it was because she was mad at HER father (my grandfather) who used to say vile horrible things to her...he used to tell her (and my aunt) that he wanted to f*ck them, have sex with them etc. YUCK. He told them this their whole lives, on and off...although he never molested them. What a creep, right?? (as it turns out, his parents...my great grand parents, were nasty people as well...in and out of prison, they were "booze dealers" back during Prohibition, his mother was a slut/part-time hooker etc, and my grandfather would walk in on her and her male "friends"...so on one hand you have to be compassionate to him because he himself was a victim and was messed up from them...so then he verbally abused my mom, she abused me etc and the cycle of abuse continues) Drive my aunt to alcoholism and heavy drug use. my mom beat the crap out of me out of anger towards him, and she told me that she "almost killed" me...those were the words she used...that she beat me up so bad I was black and blue all over, she thinks she almost killed me and that she caused a head trauma which caused an eye sight condition called strabismus (lazy eye) which is also the root cause of many other problems in my life...cant see straight, cant play sports, had trouble in school all my life and into college, the list goes on and on.

 

So the abuse caused two things: (1) it messed me up emotionally/psychologically (even tho I dnt remember any of it)...which has caused me to be somewhat abusive in relationships and very very selfish, even tho that is not my original intention...and (2) it caused lazy-eye which caused all sorts of other problems in my life.

 

So after hearing all of this, the therapist now seems to think, based on my patterns after breakups, and other self-destructive "dating" habits I have (over 100 one night stands etc) that I have this DPD. But now that we know the root cause, it has dissolved the depression and I am now trying to put the pieces together, become healthy and move forward in my life (I am 36 yrs old).

[lorilynne]

Keep going to therapy. Maybe double during this difficult time. I've had a very destructive past that I won't go into detail about now.

About the flirting and the spying. You two were together so of course she's going to look at you. Flirting means having a conversation with someone where you are overtly letting that person know you are interested. Smiling and talking to you is not flirting. Don't you want to be in a relationship with someone who is clear about how they feel for you? Not someone where you have to guess. Don't you want to be with someone who, when you ask her out, she's eagerly replies "yes"? I think you do but with some of the issues that you are dealing with, I think therapy and not dating for a little while is your best bet. You're not really being fair to the person you are dating if you are pining away for your ex. Be clear of the past before you step to the future.

[smartGXL]

Keep going to therapy. Maybe double during this difficult time. I've had a very destructive past that I won't go into detail about now.

About the flirting and the spying. You two were together so of course she's going to look at you. Flirting means having a conversation with someone where you are overtly letting that person know you are interested. Smiling and talking to you is not flirting. Don't you want to be in a relationship with someone who is clear about how they feel for you? Not someone where you have to guess. Don't you want to be with someone who, when you ask her out, she's eagerly replies "yes"? I think you do but with some of the issues that you are dealing with, I think therapy and not dating for a little while is your best bet. You're not really being fair to the person you are dating if you are pining away for your ex. Be clear of the past before you step to the future.

 

Yes I agree 100%; the thing is, that was how I felt before she started "popping up" again in my life. I thought to myself, "Ok, I just want to move on and be healthy and not hurt her or anyone" and then that was when all of a sudden she starts being friendly, her friend starts being friendly to me again, etc. My theory was that, maybe me wishing her a happy birthday (when she always held out that I never cared about her), combined with seeing me again in the hallway, maybe sparked her interest again...like, maybe she saw me and realized that the spark is still there and maybe was testing the waters.

[Girlygirl1977]

Yes I agree 100%; the thing is, that was how I felt before she started "popping up" again in my life. I thought to myself, "Ok, I just want to move on and be healthy and not hurt her or anyone" and then that was when all of a sudden she starts being friendly, her friend starts being friendly to me again, etc. My theory was that, maybe me wishing her a happy birthday (when she always held out that I never cared about her), combined with seeing me again in the hallway, maybe sparked her interest again...like, maybe she saw me and realized that the spark is still there and maybe was testing the waters.

 

That may be true but since she broke up with you, you would need to hear a direct statement/action from her that she wanted to reconciled before going after her. You acted prematurely in my opinion - asking her out again and then sending her a msg as well. Her response to your date request was very tepid and so you should have read it that way vs. continue with texting.

 

You should now just quietly stop. If she wants you again, she will let you know I believe it. But dont' wait and go out and see who else is out there.

[Thomas X Forever]

See, the problem is, the way you're describing yourself is NOT in line with Dependent Personality Disorder. DPD is categorized NOT as being selfish in a relationship and/or abusive, but actually 100% totally black and white the complete opposite. People with DPD are overly submissive due to fear of losing someone. They will agree/go with most or any suggested situation, sometimes to their own detriment, simply because they are too scared to lose the person by disagreeing or arguing. They also need others to take responsibility for major decisions in their life.

 

I suggest you go to a psychologist, not a therapist. Psychologists have the PhD's in psych.

[smartGXL]

See, the problem is, the way you're describing yourself is NOT in line with Dependent Personality Disorder. DPD is categorized NOT as being selfish in a relationship and/or abusive, but actually 100% totally black and white the complete opposite. People with DPD are overly submissive due to fear of losing someone. They will agree/go with most or any suggested situation, sometimes to their own detriment, simply because they are too scared to lose the person by disagreeing or arguing. They also need others to take responsibility for major decisions in their life.

 

I suggest you go to a psychologist, not a therapist. Psychologists have the PhD's in psych.

 

Hi Thomas - you are 100% right!

 

See this is the limitation of the internet - I cannot describe my entire personality and life history here. Well, I COULD, but I did not want to hijack the forum an turn it into a therapy session for myself (other than gettin input about mys situation).

 

See, one of the things I did not mention, was that in my past, in MOST of my relationships, I was VERY VERY needy, they would start out ok, but I would soon become addicted to the attention and the relationship...tothe point where I WOULD become submissive for the attention in the relationship. or, when i was single, most of the time, I was DESPERATE for a relationship...to the point I was miserable all the time without one...so i would go on dates, sometimes I would do well in the date sometimes not but they ALL eventually melted down and blew up, either BECAUSE I was needy (women can smell neediness and it turns them off) OR, my neediness combined with bad decision making (which almost always is based on filling the need) causes other blowups etc. On and on.

 

BTW, I did not see a therapist per se, I saw a psychiatrist - she wanted to prescribe the meds (only psychiatrists can prescribe them here in this state).

[smartGXL]

Keep going to therapy. Maybe double during this difficult time. I've had a very destructive past that I won't go into detail about now.

About the flirting and the spying. You two were together so of course she's going to look at you. Flirting means having a conversation with someone where you are overtly letting that person know you are interested. Smiling and talking to you is not flirting. Don't you want to be in a relationship with someone who is clear about how they feel for you? Not someone where you have to guess. Don't you want to be with someone who, when you ask her out, she's eagerly replies "yes"? I think you do but with some of the issues that you are dealing with, I think therapy and not dating for a little while is your best bet. You're not really being fair to the person you are dating if you are pining away for your ex. Be clear of the past before you step to the future.

 

Also, when I say she is spying on me, I literally mean PEEKING THRU THE PLANTER at me...not just looking at me...I mean I have caught her literally peeking at me. See, if I was doing that, i would be a STALKER right? But since she doesn't want to date me, she is allowed to peek at me. Right?