Onionskin Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I have been with my bf for 5 years. Over the past year or so my feelings for him have really changed. I can't pin point exactly when it happened or what caused it, but I don't want to be with him anymore. Everytime I hug him, kiss him or we have sex, I feel like I am forcing it. He can sense this and he is constantly questioning my love for him - and I am constantly reassuring him that everything is fine. Each time we go through it again, I tell myself "here is your chance, do what is right for the both of us and just end it", but then I wimp out EVERY TIME, immediately regretting it afterwards. I don't know if it is the thought of having to start over, the thought of hurting him, of him hating me, of having to find another place to live or what it is, but I just CANNOT LET GO. Maybe I am in denial, maybe I don't want to believe that 5 years can just be OVER like that. Last time I wrote a big "it's not you it's me" letter and read it to him. A lot of it IS me... I feel incredibly lost and don't like myself. Most recently when we had the conversation he told me he had me "figured out" and accused me of being a person who forces people to break up with them just so I can say "YOU did this", while in the same breath telling me he wants to be with me forever. I just don't know how I am going to tell him "uh yeah... you know how you have been saying I don't love you for a year and I have been saying I do? Well, you were right". WTF. He doesn't deserve any of this and I am not intentionally trying to hurt him at all.
Thaddeus Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I have been with my bf for 5 years. Over the past year or so my feelings for him have really changed. I can't pin point exactly when it happened or what caused it, but I don't want to be with him anymore. Everytime I hug him, kiss him or we have sex, I feel like I am forcing it. He can sense this and he is constantly questioning my love for him - and I am constantly reassuring him that everything is fine.So you're lying to him. A lot of it IS me... I feel incredibly lost and don't like myself.Now we're getting somewhere. What, specifically, is it about yourself that you're uncomfortable with? Be really specific.
Author Onionskin Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 [FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]Yes... yes I am lying to him. But gosh I am not doing it to hurt him, I just get... I don't know, scared. ****, I know how wrong it is man.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Georgia][sIZE=2]Haha you name it... I have zero self esteem. I have zero faith in myself. People can tell me I am being silly and I am wonderful, kind etc until the cows come home but I still hate myself.[/sIZE][/FONT]
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Over the past year or so my feelings for him have really changed. I can't pin point exactly when it happened or what caused it, but I don't want to be with him anymore. I wonder why you lost love for him. I think you know the reason but dont want to come to terms with it. DOnt be in denial, if the reason is major, he deserves to know. If you dont know, I really think you should search to find that reason before breaking it off with him. It has to be something he did at some point during the 5 years. or maybe your tastes in personality changed...there HAS to be a reason.
Thaddeus Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Yes... yes I am lying to him. But gosh I am not doing it to hurt him, I just get... I don't know, scared. ****, I know how wrong it is man.I have no doubt that you're trying to spare his feelings, but he knows you're not telling the truth. It's just that trying to tease the truth out of you is simply proving to be too much work. Haha you name it... I have zero self esteem. I have zero faith in myself. People can tell me I am being silly and I am wonderful, kind etc until the cows come home but I still hate myself.And therein, my lass, lies the core of the problem. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Seriously... no offence intended. Your family doctor or even church minister (if you're into that sort of thing) can probably set this up. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to grow, and you and he to grow together.
Author Onionskin Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I wonder why you lost love for him. I think you know the reason but dont want to come to terms with it. DOnt be in denial, if the reason is major, he deserves to know. If you dont know, I really think you should search to find that reason before breaking it off with him. It has to be something he did at some point during the 5 years. or maybe your tastes in personality changed...there HAS to be a reason. I am not sure... when we first met I was in awe of him. He was this much older man (17 years) and he was so wise and funny. As the years went on though I guess I came to see just how human he is like the rest of us, and his flaws started to show. I am also not the same person I was when I was 21 He is incredibly critical of people, is always calling others "losers" behind their backs and things like that. I used to be a really positive person before we met, now I criticise things just like he does. It bothers me. He is OBSESSED with women and porn and sex. I know he is a guy, but he is 44 this year, and for some reason still being like that at his age creeps me out. He has said some pretty awful things over the years that have just stuck with me. We once had a fight and he told me to "get it through my thick skull" and unnecessary things like that... but 99% of the time he is this kind, thoughtful, always putting me first man. I know lying to him is the wrong thing to do... he has always been upfront and honest with me. I just don't know how I am going to come out of this without him absolutely hating me. My problem is I am not in love with him but I WANT to be so badly, that I am holding on to something that isn't there.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Well you could try talking to him about all this stuff first, dont give up on him so fast. Give him a chance to try and change, maybe you could fall for him again. BUt really, you see who he really is when he is settled and you dont like it anymore. BTW You have to take the chance that he will hate you and there is nothing you can do about it. You will have to live with it. Theres no way to avoid it. Also the sure fire way to make him hate you is to lie to him. Tell him everything you typed here so he knows what he did wrong. Accept that he wWILL hate you and it will be much easier to take. That way if he doesnt, you will be pleasantly surprised. And really, as much as you care for him, you want to leave him. If youre on your own, theres no reason to worry about if he hates you or not. You want him out of your life.
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