Amy35 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 As in....at what stage does "dating" become a "relationship"? When would you define yourself as "being in a relationship"? And does the expectation level in a relationship escalate or should it stay the same as when you are dating?
lora22 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Generally I consider it a relationship when you're exclusive. Yes, I think expectations should and do escalate once you're in a relationship.
Author Amy35 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Generally I consider it a relationship when you're exclusive. Yes, I think expectations should and do escalate once you're in a relationship. Thanks Lora for the reply. There has been a few threads here recently that have got me thinking about this...and I suppose my own situation too. I wonder whether some people in relationships expect too much...and whether those expectations are too high. And then you get to thinking at what stage DO expectations rise by way of natural progression of a relationship? Is it time wise...strength of relationship etc? (oh btw I think a lot LOL, especially when it's nearing totm!) Also "dating"...are we not always dating...even though we are in a relationship with someone? I feel lately "dating" has slowed somewhat....can I assume that at some point...you reach a plateau....not as many dates as before...you hang out...at each others places...but not specifically "go out" as often as before...and that it's normal....? (knowing that "normal" is techincally inconceivable..one person's normal is another's not so normal and "Normal" is a place in Ohio) Just rambling.....
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Dating: looking forward to spending time with her. Relationship: that time when being with her feels more normal than being apart.
Thaddeus Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I wonder whether some people in relationships expect too much...and whether those expectations are too high. And then you get to thinking at what stage DO expectations rise by way of natural progression of a relationship? Is it time wise...strength of relationship etc?I think it is very dangerous to make assumptions about things like exclusivity. One person may think, "I've slept with him/her so I guess that makes us exclusive," whereas another might think, "We haven't actually talked about it, so I guess we're still both free to date as we please." I personally think it's best to take the guesswork out of it and actually communicate these things literally, rather than relying upon assumptions. (oh btw I think a lot LOL, especially when it's nearing totm!)Sorry, but I'm not familiar with this acronym. What's "totm"?
collegekid491 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I think it is very dangerous to make assumptions about things like exclusivity. One person may think, "I've slept with him/her so I guess that makes us exclusive," whereas another might think, "We haven't actually talked about it, so I guess we're still both free to date as we please." I personally think it's best to take the guesswork out of it and actually communicate these things literally, rather than relying upon assumptions. Sorry, but I'm not familiar with this acronym. What's "totm"? I agree with this... to a point. Assuming is dangerous, but honestly, the vast majority of the population knows when exclusivity is implied. I mean heck... I met my gf's parents on the 2nd date we had... I mean, its obvious, to say I didn't know because she never said anything would be a sleaze ball move. Relationship, to me, is when you develope the 'safe zone' where you can share and invest yourself. And as for expectations, I think they will go up naturally but shouldn't stray from what the person actually is. I like to think my gf likes how I am and thats why she dates me, although she does try to help me improve certain things that aren't relationship crucial, such as like... chewing my nails or whatever
sammyhalliwel Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 It becomes relationship when you commit to a person it's like "exclusivity"
mammax3 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I too think these ideas need to be communicated, even if you are meeting parents two dates in, or are sleeping together, or whatever. What are the expectations you're referring to? Seeing each other every friday night? Or the expectation that they'll bring you roses? Or that a consultation phone call will be made whenever plans are being made? Or who will pay for what meal? If so, these aren't really the things that make a relationship. Although I've never seen the acronym before either, I imagine it means Time Of The Month (only because I get more analytical then too!)
New Again Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I pretty much agree with everyone here. When I read "expectations" I think I might have had a pretty general view - like not so much who pays, flowers, etc., but more along the lines of general bf behavior. I wish I could think of a nice, concise way of phrasing this, but nothing is coming to mind. For example: A guy I'm dating receives a text that he reads in front of me - I would never ask who it was from or what it said. For one reason or another I might ask my bf, and since he's my bf I would expect him to tell me. I wouldn't expect a guy I'm dating to tell me about other girls he's dating; however, if my bf were getting dinner with a girl friend, I would expect to be informed and my feelings to be considered. Stuff like that.
Author Amy35 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I think it is very dangerous to make assumptions about things like exclusivity. One person may think, "I've slept with him/her so I guess that makes us exclusive," whereas another might think, "We haven't actually talked about it, so I guess we're still both free to date as we please." I personally think it's best to take the guesswork out of it and actually communicate these things literally, rather than relying upon assumptions. Thanks Thaddeus, I agree with you. Communication is key as you say. What I was referring to was past the exclusivity talk and more onto expectations when the relationship is further progressed. I'm at the 14 month mark personally within my relationship. So expectations I guess more geared towards that, does 14 months make for a LTR....I'm not sure....or is it still "dating" as such and still learning about the other? Sorry, but I'm not familiar with this acronym. What's "totm"? Mammax3 hit the nail on the head!
Author Amy35 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Relationship, to me, is when you develope the 'safe zone' where you can share and invest yourself. And as for expectations, I think they will go up naturally but shouldn't stray from what the person actually is. I like to think my gf likes how I am and thats why she dates me, although she does try to help me improve certain things that aren't relationship crucial, such as like... chewing my nails or whatever Thanks Collegekid....when you say improve certain things...are they relating to the person themselves rather than the relationship? After a certain amount of time we get that familiarity or maybe knowledge is a better way of describing it...about the other...and we know what makes them tick, what turns them on, what makes them happy, what can cheer them up...that sort of thing. But on the flipside we also get to learn about what their foibles are....and can make decisions as to whether these are acceptable or not. What are the expectations you're referring to? Seeing each other every friday night? Or the expectation that they'll bring you roses? Or that a consultation phone call will be made whenever plans are being made? Or who will pay for what meal? If so, these aren't really the things that make a relationship. Thanks Mammax3.....not really....although they are important...well to me the consultation phone call is important. I suppse again referring to knowledge of the other...if you knew your GF liked red roses every once in a while I would assume the guy would make an effort and buy some...(I'm not a flower person btw...I just used that as an example) Although I've never seen the acronym before either, I imagine it means Time Of The Month (only because I get more analytical then too!) It bites huh! I pretty much agree with everyone here. When I read "expectations" I think I might have had a pretty general view - like not so much who pays, flowers, etc., but more along the lines of general bf behavior. Yep...that's the kind of thing I am referring too.....Thanks New Again. I can't seem to describe it too well...maybe my totm is clouding things... OK let me try to explain. I believe I have expectations...and after being in a relationship for 14 months I am expecting certain things by way of natural progression of the relationship and also turnarounds...like if the other did that....how would you feel? I wish I could think of a nice, concise way of phrasing this, but nothing is coming to mind. For example: A guy I'm dating receives a text that he reads in front of me - I would never ask who it was from or what it said. For one reason or another I might ask my bf, and since he's my bf I would expect him to tell me. OK yep I get that....if he gets a phone call say...I tend to ask when he is done "Is everything ok?" if he wants to talk he can....and if he doesn't...well that's ok too! I wouldn't expect a guy I'm dating to tell me about other girls he's dating; however, if my bf were getting dinner with a girl friend, I would expect to be informed and my feelings to be considered. Stuff like that. OK now this is something I can relate too and kinda comes into my situation. I've got friends, male and female who I tend to have dinner with or night's out. I made plans to have dinner with a male friend I have known for about 6 years....worked together...now don't but are still platonic friends. I keep up with my friends...because in my last relationship..I wasn't even allowed out the door to be with family let alone friends. When I finally extracated myself from that relationship it was with the help and support of my friends and family who finally jumped for joy that I saw the light. I had dropped all but the majority of my friends...and a lot of friendships had ended because of that relationship. BTW my ex was and is a narcissist, bully, emotional head f***, controller, you name it. In a nutshell...one selfish mofo. So anyway I digress....I'm now in a relationship, still go out and meet up with friends time permitting (we all lead busy lives) So I met up with my guy friend...and this we do say every six months. We tend to have dinner...then move on to a bar for a drink...and carry on catching up. So the last time this happened, that I made a date with my guy friend, my BF was upset. But he didn't say so in a roundabout way....he just turned it around. He asked how I would feel if he went to dinner with a girl friend he had. I said that if I had met the gf previously...or she was along term friend...then I suppose I would feel uneasy...but that is was my issue and that should not stop him from socialising with his friends. He said he had an issue with my having dinner with this guy outside in public as it would look like we were an item. I understood what he said....but then countered with I know and the guy frend and you also know that we are not an item...and that I do have a BF. BF said he would prefer is it was a meet up with lots of friends, like in a bar, with girlfriends and boyfriends and not have dinner intimately as I was doing. I didn't think I was....it was in a bar which serves food...but besides the point... So anyway...I went out and spoke to my friend and said it was the last time we woud be having dinner together as it was inconsiderate of my BF's feelings, and BF would prefer we met up within a group. Now I did say to BF I NEVER have found this guy attractive or ever had a romantic feeling about him...and that we joined a company on the same day and that's how we become friends....I supported friend when his GF died suddenly some years ago....and he supported me when I divorced my abusive ex husband. So I did that....I commicated to my BF I would be respectful of his feelings....and end those kinds of meetings. He seemed happy. My guy friend told me I was being controlled again....that's a whole nuther conversation.... How would you guys feel if your significant other dinner dated with a long time friend? Would you be ok with it? I'm worried about it....I don't want to lose my friends again...and yet I have to go with how my BF feels about it....although knowing it's his issue to deal with...as his feeling are his to own...but I do have a responsibility to be considerate. Another thing...there was a MySpace/Facebook thread recently...and lord knows why....I went and checked his email addy against MySpace as recently he says he come off FB....which I know for a fact he goes into regular and reactivtates as my picture count goes up when he is in...and I told him that...said it very jokey...he seemed annoyed. Anyway...ok searched the email addy....it come up with an account...sure enough it's him....he logged in 2 weeks ago....and even though he has only 2 friends....Tom being one...!!!....it states he is single. I sent him a text...asking do you have a myspace account...he replied...yeah but not logged in for ages. I went back said I found you....do me a favour....change your relationship status and then added a wink. Nothing has happened. It hasn't been changed. Should I expect him to do it...to change the status? I don't know whether things have plateaued recently or if it's something else? If I text him....he doesn't respond....if I call he wants to get off the phone. And yet if he calls me and I don't answer my cell....(say for example I am out) I come home and he has tried the home line too....and then called back on the cell again til he gets me....but he can't asnwer one of my texts??? or emails??? If he does answer a text it's sometimes 8 hours, 12 hours even the NEXT day! I'm wondering if I expect too much....if after 14 months I should still regard it as dating...and not a relationship....
New Again Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 If I have time later I'll post more - these are my first thoughts: 1. Have you and this guy ever had an exclusivity talk? 2. Are you exclusive (without having had an actual relationship talk)? 3. Personally, after 14 months I would assume it's a relationship, IN GENERAL, but would need more info about your situation to really judge that. If after 14 months this guy still wasn't my bf, I'd stop hooking up with/talking to him....assuming I wanted him to be my bf, or wanted certain behaviors from him that I wasn't getting. 4. I think if you want to get dinner with your guy friend, that's your business - although it would be a boundary that you'd have to work out with your bf. If this guy isn't your bf, then he can go f*ck himself; it's none of his business. PERSONALLY I don't think it's unreasonable of a BF to request that SOs be present at these dinners, or that you meet up in groups. That's just me, and other people feel differently, and that's fine. As long as you and your BF agree on what's appropriate. (Your friend is completely wrong that a BF is "controlling" you by simply not being comfortable with you getting dinner alone with another guy.) 5. If this guy is logging into Myspace he should change his relationship status. If he doesn't, you should assume that he doesn't consider himself to be in a relationship. In which case, again, he can go f*ck himself and you can do whatever you want, and see whomever you like. I know that the default relationship status on Myspace is "single" but if he's logging in to the account consistently and you ask him to change it, he should. He expects you to do certain things (like not appearing to be in a relationship with another guy by getting dinner with him), but won't do honor your request that he not present himself as single? That's b*llsh*t. I hate double standards. 6. If he's ignoring you when you contact him, but freaking out when he contacts you and you're not available, that's another double standard. WTF?! I don't like this guy.
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