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I do not want to go to jail by hurting this guy to leave me wife alone what do i do?

tg0623

By tg0623
in Infidelity

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2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted
And when you are done, get rid of her

 

 

Dexterrrr. Come on. This man probably had a drinking problem all along. Either quantity or behavior or both. Alcoholism in like a betrayal to your partner...thats just how it feels and what it is. So yes, you cannot counter bertayal with betrayal....

 

BUT. Its not impossible , in a situation like this...for them to become healthy together.

 

But I'm the first to say, who knows?

KikiW Established Member

KikiW

Posted
Posted

PS: Nice instincts on this one, fooled once. You were clearly reading between the lines here.

 

OP: You both clearly need to spend a long time with a good counselor if you both do indeed want this to work. You both have issues to work on, but make no mistake, it's going to take a lot of patience, communication and effort. There is no magic wand or overnight fix that will take care of it. Good luck.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
And the award for most unhelpful and incorrect post goes to...... (drumroll).... YOU!!! Congratulations!

 

 

 

The guys self esteem is sinking because his sleazeball wife tried to restart an affair. Only a jerk would try to kick someone when they are down.

 

I suggest you pull your head out and read the whole thread!

 

I wholeheartedly agree. She is being watched because of HER ACTIONS. He didn't just all of a sudden come up with ways to keep tabs on her. She is a cheater...this is why she has to put up with the surveillance.

 

Personally, I wouldn't bother with it, I'd just leave her. But he decided to stay, she "supposedely" wants her marriage. So she will have to do what it takes to prove she is trustworthy. If she doesn't want to, then she isn't a wife and doesn't deserve to be one any longer.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
I know right. FO doesnt understand what cheating will do to a BS! it's like insult and injury.

 

exactly. infidelity can make even the most sane person absolutely crazy and they intitially won't be in their right mind and think straight.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
And when you are done, get rid of her

 

 

Dexterrrr. Come on. This man probably had a drinking problem all along. Either quantity or behavior or both. Alcoholism in like a betrayal to your partner...thats just how it feels and what it is. So yes, you cannot counter bertayal with betrayal....

 

I get ya. But rather than drink himself silly over a cheater, he should just cut that cancer out of his life.

 

Alcoholism is a disease, cheating is not.

 

I would get a SO of mine help for an addiction up to the point they refuse to get help.

 

But a cheater, I'm not about to stand by that. Adios cheatamos!!!!

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted
Alcoholism is a disease, cheating is not.

 

Alcoholism is a CHOICE - Same as cheating is a CHOICE.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted

But here is what is bothering me now..... She says she loves me and wants things to work and its on me. Not to mention this is my last chance with her, she said if i mess this up she is done.

 

fair enough....but since she feels she gets to throw out a threat, you can say to her: "fair enough....and if you ever develop any kind of affair again, emotional, physical or otherwise, then you should have the decency to pack your bags"

 

You have issues you need to deal with, but so does she. She doesn't get to act like the only one here that is putting up with something.

 

 

 

So i talked to her one night asking her with out telling her what i knew if One reason is because lack of sex. We did it a few days after she came home but that was cause i gave her a back massage and it turned her on. She said it was not make up sex either. She said i have to earn that

 

WTF??? and just what does she have to do to earn your respect and trust after she cheated??

 

again, you have issues you need to deal with....but here she cheats, and acts like she gets to call the shots and you have to cowtow to her, and all she has to do is reap the benefits without earning her place with you in return.

 

oh man, this doesn't look good. Seems you have an entitlement cheater on your hands. Therefore, if you don't do everything exactly the way she wants, she feels she has the right to hold anything over your head.

 

Sorry, there are two people here responsible for the state of your marriage....she isn't in any way, shape, or form an innocent party in this. She has her amends to make too....but seems like she is putting this all on you.

 

 

I know to give her time but man i really changed alot and i mean alot

 

if this is true....then she is expecting you to do all the changing, and she gets to call the shots....and the no sex thing? Its a problem. Because she won't have sex with her own husband, but she'll readily have it with another guy?? thats seriously effed up.

 

 

i wish she would open back up to me already not just for sex but for us to be a happy couple again. any advice?

 

I don't think she is wanting to be a happy couple with you, for the reasons I laid out above. She is putting all the blame on you and doesn't seem to want to do her part in making the marriage.

 

so I stand with my original comment....work on yourself...get help for the drinking....and then YOU give HER one shot to change, and if its clear she still thinks you are all to blame and she thinks she gets a pass on not making amends from her cheating......divorce her

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted

I understand that there are websites out there that say alcoholism is a disease. Cancer is a disease, diabetes is a disease, HIV...same thing.

 

People CHOOSE to put alcohol in their bodies. It does not go down your throat without the help of the person lifting the bottle/glass to their lips.

Therefore, a choice - no one forces anyone.

I have seen people who may be alcoholics CHOOSE TO drink & Choose NOT to drink.

 

Same with an affair. You choose to get in your car & go to your affair partner - no one forces you.

It's just the way I see it. AND Yes, I do have first hand knowledge of both.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
I understand that there are websites out there that say alcoholism is a disease. Cancer is a disease, diabetes is a disease, HIV...same thing.

 

People CHOOSE to put alcohol in their bodies. It does not go down your throat without the help of the person lifting the bottle/glass to their lips.

Therefore, a choice - no one forces anyone.

I have seen people who may be alcoholics CHOOSE TO drink & Choose NOT to drink.

 

Same with an affair. You choose to get in your car & go to your affair partner - no one forces you.

It's just the way I see it. AND Yes, I do have first hand knowledge of both.

 

 

As long as you are seeing it the same as its a "choice", then lets take it further.

 

If alcoholism is a "choice" as is cheating....then guess what.....even after one has kicked the "habit" of drinking......they are STILL considered alcoholics.

 

therefore.......well, you get the picture:)

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted

In my opinion - it is not a disease. That's what I said.

Doesn't mean "once a drinker always a drinker" as cheating does not mean "once a cheater always one".

 

I just don't see alcoholism as a disease. So, if you STOP drinking it does not mean you are still an alcoholic. It means you have made a choice to stop drinking. Same as if you don't cheat anymore - You just STOP cheating. :)

 

Got the thread off track...Sorry OP.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
In my opinion - it is not a disease. That's what I said.

 

oh, you are a doctor? where did ya get your MD?

 

 

Doesn't mean "once a drinker always a drinker"

 

not talking about people drinking that can handle drinking...talking about the correlation to alcoholism here.....aren't we?

 

 

as cheating does not mean "once a cheater always one".

 

does to me:)

 

 

I just don't see alcoholism as a disease.

 

ever been to an AA meeting? I haven't, but know a couple people that have. They will disagree with you.

 

 

So, if you STOP drinking it does not mean you are still an alcoholic.

 

yes, because you still have that in you that if you take a drink you will relapse. As opposed to someone that is not an alcoholic who can drink occasionally and doesn't feel the NEED alcohol. there is the difference, those that NEED to drink and those that don't.

 

If I drink, and when I stop i don't have withdrawal, I'm not an alcoholic.

 

If I drink and know that if I stop I will have withdrawal symptoms, then I am an alcoholic.

 

 

It means you have made a choice to stop drinking.

 

not when you are an alcoholic. you were forced to stop drinking or you will kill yourself because of the NEED an alcoholic feels to drink.

 

Alcoholics may choose to never drink again, but they do want that swig now and then.

 

 

Same as if you don't cheat anymore - You just STOP cheating. :)

 

 

but the desire to want to f##k someone other than your partner remains:)

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted
Same as if you don't cheat anymore - You just STOP cheating. :)

but the desire to want to f##k someone other than your partner remains:)

 

as much as you'd like to believe that this is true of everyone who has ever cheated ~ You couldn't be further from the truth in this statement :D

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
as much as you'd like to believe that this is true of everyone who has ever cheated ~ You couldn't be further from the truth in this statement :D

 

 

ya well.......YOU'RE A CHICKEN!!! (See video, below, to see what I mean!)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5MpOfosohk

 

gotta love Al Bundy

tami-chan Established Member

tami-chan

Posted
Posted
exactly. infidelity can make even the most sane person absolutely crazy and they intitially won't be in their right mind and think straight.

 

And do you understand what alcoholism and/or any form of abuse does to a person? Oh...but I guess to you it's not as serious as infidelity, right? LOL....whatever....:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

It's interesting how one can almost tell which BSs were probably abusive in their marriages before their spouses cheated....

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
And do you understand what alcoholism and/or any form of abuse does to a person? Oh...but I guess to you it's not as serious as infidelity, right? LOL....whatever....:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

I know what alcoholism does to a person, I've witnessed it. Nope, don't think infidelity is quite as serious, you just assumed that.

 

Nice try pumpkin.

 

 

It's interesting how one can almost tell which BSs were probably abusive in their marriages before their spouses cheated....

 

nice try again.

jj33 Established Member

jj33

Posted
Posted

Confused you have GOT to be kidding. Alcoholism is definitely a disease. Just like drug addiction is a disease.

 

Both alcoholism and infidelity hurt other people the difference is that the WS has a choice in the matter, the alcoholic typically needs medical or other intervention to stop.

tami-chan Established Member

tami-chan

Posted
Posted
I know what alcoholism does to a person, I've witnessed it. Nope, don't think infidelity is quite as serious, you just assumed that.

 

Nice try pumpkin.

 

 

 

 

nice try again.

 

oh but princess, did you not think it was unforgivable for a person(another poster) to find comfort in another because her husband was a drunk, who did not work and spent all their money on booze and ended up with cirrhosis of the liver?....you know that one...

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
oh but princess, did you not think it was unforgivable for a person(another poster) to find comfort in another because her husband was a drunk

 

no, I don't think its forgivable...but thats just my opinion. has nothing to do with which is more serious. One is a direct and intentional betrayal. The other is a serious problem of which needs treatment/AA/counseling...whatever.

 

Like I said, I'd stand by a SO of mine if they had a drinking problem up to the point they refuse to get help.

 

Cheating, no thanks. Adios.

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted
Confused you have GOT to be kidding. Alcoholism is definitely a disease. Just like drug addiction is a disease.

 

Both alcoholism and infidelity hurt other people the difference is that the WS has a choice in the matter, the alcoholic typically needs medical or other intervention to stop.

 

 

So if someone drinks themselves into oblivian for let's say 5 years straight & then stops drinking.....With no help......they are NOT an alcoholic...

 

OR

 

Have they just made a choice to clean up their act?

 

I lived with someone that drank for YEARS & then stopped with no drama, no intervention, no help..... I SEE & have observed "Alcoholism" as a CHOICE!

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted
no, I don't think its forgivable...but thats just my opinion. has nothing to do with which is more serious. One is a direct and intentional betrayal. The other is a serious problem of which needs treatment/AA/counseling...whatever.

 

Like I said, I'd stand by a SO of mine if they had a drinking problem up to the point they refuse to get help.

 

Cheating, no thanks. Adios.

 

So if you haven't had to live with someone that had a drinking problem...Where do you come off with your "know it all" attitude?

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
So if someone drinks themselves into oblivian for let's say 5 years straight & then stops drinking.....With no help......they are NOT an alcoholic...

 

depends on if they drink because they want to escape and don't have to have it....or if they are such that they HAVE to have a drink or they will become sick, go nuts...whatever.

 

 

 

I lived with someone that drank for YEARS & then stopped with no drama, no intervention, no help..... I SEE & have observed "Alcoholism" as a CHOICE!

 

I drank when younger too...but I didn't HAVE TO HAVE IT. Big difference.

 

someone that basically would go through withdrawal if they stop is an alcoholic. The other simply drank, but didn't need it and could stop any time they wanted.

Dexter Morgan Established Member

Dexter Morgan

Posted
Posted
So if you haven't had to live with someone that had a drinking problem...Where do you come off with your "know it all" attitude?

 

because I have had a friend that is an alcoholic. And if I had a SO that had a problem, I would help them. What is so hard to understand about that?

confusedinkansas Established Member

confusedinkansas

Posted
Posted
because I have had a friend that is an alcoholic. And if I had a SO that had a problem, I would help them. What is so hard to understand about that?

A friend with a drinking problem is not someone you have to live with or deal with on a daily or hourly basis. WAY different scenario!!

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