I do not want to go to jail by hurting this guy to leave me wife alone what do i do?

[stuckinoz]

You're talking here like we still live in a caveman era. UUG!

He is not going to come & drag your wife away from you by the hair on her head.............Unless SHE permits it.

You have your priorities a bit out of whack!

The keylogger is a good idea - But if you're ON VACATION...No one is using the computer. So how will you know anything when you get back?

I thought keyloggers were so that you could see what was being sent out - searched for - on your own computer? Am I mistaken?

[pkn06002]

For those of you that think his little "threat" means nothing your wrong. A friend of mine (now divorced) made a threat similar to the OM his wife was messing with. The OM made a report and took it to court. Now my friend cannot go within 50 yards of the OM. If anything had happened to said OM my friend would've been first on the list of people to look at. If someone really wants too they can press assault charges and given the fact the OP has already said he has a history with the police where do you think that will land him?

 

The call to the military will not get him in trouble but it could spur the OM to get the civilian authorize in place, which guess what will care. They will NOT take is little comment as "justified".

 

Just so love the tough "advice" from folks that would not have to deal with any repercussions of any actions. This OP threw out a lot of options when he made that stupid call and gave the message to a 3rd party witness.

 

The OP needs to put the focus on his wife not the "perceived" threat of the xOM.

[Owl]

This OP threw out a lot of options when he made that stupid call and gave the message to a 3rd party witness.

 

Yep...he should have kept his mouth shut so that he wouldn't have been an immediate suspect when OM quietly went missing!

 

Sorry PKN...couldn't resist that one. I have to admit though, that's why I made sure that my one phone call to OM was done in a way that would have made it very difficult to trace back to me.

 

I kept that particular option open.

[pkn06002]

Yep...he should have kept his mouth shut so that he wouldn't have been an immediate suspect when OM quietly went missing!

 

Sorry PKN...couldn't resist that one. I have to admit though, that's why I made sure that my one phone call to OM was done in a way that would have made it very difficult to trace back to me.

 

I kept that particular option open.

 

Oh no Owl you make the one observation everyone here seems to want to just dismiss. He made it EASY to trace back to him, add on the past record with the authorities and you have a heap of problems.

[BUENG1]

For those of you that think his little "threat" means nothing your wrong. A friend of mine (now divorced) made a threat similar to the OM his wife was messing with. The OM made a report and took it to court. Now my friend cannot go within 50 yards of the OM. If anything had happened to said OM my friend would've been first on the list of people to look at. If someone really wants too they can press assault charges and given the fact the OP has already said he has a history with the police where do you think that will land him?

 

The call to the military will not get him in trouble but it could spur the OM to get the civilian authorize in place, which guess what will care. They will NOT take is little comment as "justified".

 

Just so love the tough "advice" from folks that would not have to deal with any repercussions of any actions. This OP threw out a lot of options when he made that stupid call and gave the message to a 3rd party witness.

 

The OP needs to put the focus on his wife not the "perceived" threat of the xOM.

 

So he got a restraining order against him. Big deal. I'm sure your friend is devastated that he can't go have a beer with the guy who was having an affair with his wife.

[pkn06002]

So he got a restraining order against him. Big deal. I'm sure your friend is devastated that he can't go have a beer with the guy who was having an affair with his wife.

 

Yes if anything happens to the OM guess who they come and get first.

 

Let alone the fact he cannot now drop his children off at his old house if the OM is there.

 

But I guess that means nothing to any of you folks since you would not have to live through it like this guy would. So by all means keep on egging him on.

[pkn06002]

Please stop being so melodramatic. If every guy who ever said, "I'm gonna kick your butt if..." went to jail, there would barely be any males left walking about free, and our taxes would skyrocket.

 

OP, you do need to keep a cool head, and yes - the military takes a VERY dim view of one of theirs behaving in the way this man has. Let them take care of him. They will. Me and my ex were in the military. They don't waste any time dealing with their staff's misbehaviors.

 

Melodramatic??

 

Oh OK you say so.

[stuckinoz]

Melodramatic??

 

Oh OK you say so.

 

The OP seems to have disappeared. (OH maybe they are in Cancun!!)

But pkn...I"m with you.

I think that every threat - ESPECIALLY if you don't know this person well, should be taken seriously.

 

I don't think he should have gotten the military involved....I think he needs to find out what it is his wife wants. This is an issue between them. Otherwise me thinks the husband is going to have a coronary from being so wound up. Who put it........He's wound up tighter than a $2 pocket watch:lmao:

[tg0623]

Okay i am back guys sorry for the delay. the vacation was great and is what we needed... There has been no contact by either of them. I put a trial keylogger on the last few days before we left and nothing came up.

 

I was given good advice from someone saying ask her to go to MC together, if she says no, then the marriage is over. If she says yes then she wants this to work out and she doesnt want him. So i told her i have something serious to talk about, i said i feel we need to talk but either we do not know how to talk to eachother about this stuff or we need someone inbetween. I said we need someone to guide us and show us how to fix all this up. I told her i want to go to MC together.... I was very very happy when she said yes lets go... I said you sure, she says yes look into it and show me the info i find and we can go right away.... blew my mind.

 

So does anyone know how much MC costs cause that is what i am worried about she wants to go but can we afford it, i hope so cause this will fix us i know it.

 

Other then this i installed a 30 day trial keylogger better then the last one that lasted 7 days. I have had it on for a week now and nothing has come up yet.

 

Still i want something to be done with this guy... Not bodily harm but something so he will stay away cause i feel unless that happens he will feel i am a sissy and all he has to do is wait a while and try again. I am not gonna keep looking over my shoulder. I have to very small kids that need all my attention, i do not want to give it to this guy by being the police in my marriage, unacceptable.......

 

1. i either want get a restraining order on him.

2. i want to go to his command and i also want to be honest with them and tell them that i had called him up and told him to stay away from my wife and not to come to my house again or else i was going to beat him up. i think if i am honest with them, they will understand having two small kids and not knowing this guy with him coming to my house i feel threatened and not knowing what he would do they would understand.

4. I know he has a kid within the last few years, I do not know if he married the girl, dating her, or split with her but i found his address in the state he was stationed in and want to send a package to her with the emails in it so she can deal with him.

 

What should i do?

[GorillaTheater]

I think your best course may be to forget this guy and work on your marriage, but as to the choices you present:

 

I'm not sure you have enough for a restraining order at this point, but check with local law enforcement. Your wife will likely be the one who will need to swear out the complaint, so there's that.

 

As for the rest of the options, sure, disclose. But make sure you and your wife are more concerned with saving the marriage than you are with payback.

[tg0623]

Yeah, there is the part that i am thinking about now... saving the marriage... At this point i am so depressed now about everything I really do not care for it anymore. She is not the same as she used to be and i know it is me that did that. I feel it is too late for anything to be fixed now. The week we were on our vacation it was great and the week after we got back was great but then everything fell right back to the way it was.

 

All this week i have not been myself. She said some things to me that kinda broke me. Right now i am sort of pissed off at most of my immediate family and that is another story in itself but i would rather be distance from them now anyways especially the way i am feeling now about my marriage.

 

I tried to ask my dad for advice about what happened with this guy and i got the door slammed in my face. All he said to me is you told me to much, more then i want to know. but yet he will go and run up to see my sister spending 100 in gas each way and has gone up there at least 4 times in the last 3 weeks. but when he is around me all i hear about is money this money that. I want nothing to do with them anymore i am sick of it all.

 

I think my wife is right when she said maybe if i was not such an a-hole they would talk to me but i am such an a-hole no one wants anything to do with me. Shes right though that is what sucks. I do not trust her no more, everytime i think about what has happened i get more and more mad and realize i have been walked all over taken advantage of, been made a laughing stock. I do not know why i stayed with her after the first time and i do not think i can now after this last time. God i wish i never met her.... if only i could go back...

 

Forget the MC, i think i need to go and get some help first, i do not care about her anymore. i need to worry about me and believe me no one does worry about me so it is up to me now to worry about myself. I do not want to leave cause of the kids but to be honest i never play with them barely sit around with them and i do not know why. when i am at work all i want to do is see and play with them but when i get home i want nothing to do with them. i feel like such a loser father. maybe i should just go away for a while and see if that helps me out. She does not care about me, she is not concern at all about me, this whole week when they pick me up i just stare out the window and she doesnt even ask what is wrong. I do not get a good night from her nor a kiss or a hug. i do not get a good morning honey, a kiss or a hug goodbye. I do not get asked about my day, the kids say hi daddy and that is it. I feel so bad for them, i am never there for them. they ask me to lay down with them for a bit before they sleep and i do not, i do not read stories, nothing.... I hate myself so much.

 

I do not undestad why she is not a caring person? why does she not show remorse? why is she not a loving person? she shows no affection at all... i am sick of it! I need to be loved to, i am tired of feeling like i am all alone. i do not have anyone to even talk to anymore besides you guys..... most of my friends stopped talking to me cause i never come around anymore, not to mention there all happily married and do not need my depressed butt to come around and be like a disease.......

 

Maybe i should go to AA meetings, maybe i should just leave and disappear. i know she is gonna end up contacting this guy or he is gonna try again and i am tired of thinking of all this crap 24/7. god does this suck!

[Chrome Barracuda]

This has gone on for a long time...

 

If you have no kids with this woman, why are you married to her. Are you thinking that things will change if you stay long enough. She's the one who had the affair, she should be doing everything in her power to make it right!

 

If she's not in love with you and you hate the life your in, why not just file for divorce and start over on your own. The more you stay in a loveless marriage on her part the miserable you will get.

 

Get your head outta your azz and be more active in your life. If your father is a douschebag, can his ass and cut him off with no money or conversation.

 

Do onto others...

 

You can have a better life but at this rate the best thing to do is be by yourself away from all the toxic people. I'm alone right now and while I feel lonely at times. my self respect, my self esteem and my mind is high and strong. I dont have anyone bringing me down. I have people in my circle who only keep me up and are true.

 

So why are YOU staying?

[fooled once]

If I was your wife, I would divorce you.

 

You are beyond paranoid and to think it is okay to police another person; especially the person you claim to love -- is ridiculous.

 

You put a GPS on her phone.

 

You put a keylogger on her computer.

 

Is she allowed to pee without your permission.

 

You are ultra paranoid and probably DRIVING HER AWAY from you.

 

Back off - leave the OM alone. He can't have an affair alone - your wife is the one who laid down with him over 5 freaking YEARS ago.

 

MOVE ON already.

[fooled once]

Yeah, there is the part that i am thinking about now... saving the marriage... At this point i am so depressed now about everything I really do not care for it anymore. She is not the same as she used to be and i know it is me that did that. I feel it is too late for anything to be fixed now. The week we were on our vacation it was great and the week after we got back was great but then everything fell right back to the way it was.

 

All this week i have not been myself. She said some things to me that kinda broke me. Right now i am sort of pissed off at most of my immediate family and that is another story in itself but i would rather be distance from them now anyways especially the way i am feeling now about my marriage.

 

I tried to ask my dad for advice about what happened with this guy and i got the door slammed in my face. All he said to me is you told me to much, more then i want to know. but yet he will go and run up to see my sister spending 100 in gas each way and has gone up there at least 4 times in the last 3 weeks. but when he is around me all i hear about is money this money that. I want nothing to do with them anymore i am sick of it all.

 

I think my wife is right when she said maybe if i was not such an a-hole they would talk to me but i am such an a-hole no one wants anything to do with me. Shes right though that is what sucks. I do not trust her no more, everytime i think about what has happened i get more and more mad and realize i have been walked all over taken advantage of, been made a laughing stock. I do not know why i stayed with her after the first time and i do not think i can now after this last time. God i wish i never met her.... if only i could go back...

 

Forget the MC, i think i need to go and get some help first, i do not care about her anymore. i need to worry about me and believe me no one does worry about me so it is up to me now to worry about myself. I do not want to leave cause of the kids but to be honest i never play with them barely sit around with them and i do not know why. when i am at work all i want to do is see and play with them but when i get home i want nothing to do with them. i feel like such a loser father. maybe i should just go away for a while and see if that helps me out. She does not care about me, she is not concern at all about me, this whole week when they pick me up i just stare out the window and she doesnt even ask what is wrong. I do not get a good night from her nor a kiss or a hug. i do not get a good morning honey, a kiss or a hug goodbye. I do not get asked about my day, the kids say hi daddy and that is it. I feel so bad for them, i am never there for them. they ask me to lay down with them for a bit before they sleep and i do not, i do not read stories, nothing.... I hate myself so much.

 

I do not undestad why she is not a caring person? why does she not show remorse? why is she not a loving person? she shows no affection at all... i am sick of it! I need to be loved to, i am tired of feeling like i am all alone. i do not have anyone to even talk to anymore besides you guys..... most of my friends stopped talking to me cause i never come around anymore, not to mention there all happily married and do not need my depressed butt to come around and be like a disease.......

 

Maybe i should go to AA meetings, maybe i should just leave and disappear. i know she is gonna end up contacting this guy or he is gonna try again and i am tired of thinking of all this crap 24/7. god does this suck!

 

You repeatedly state what an azz you are and you wonder why she doesn't give a damn about you anymore? Because she is tired of your anger, your attitude and you being a jerk.

 

She should run far and fast away from you.

 

And your poor kids -- they don't deserve the misery you are causing this family.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If I was your wife, I would divorce you.

You are beyond paranoid and to think it is okay to police another person; especially the person you claim to love -- is ridiculous.

You put a GPS on her phone.

You put a keylogger on her computer.

Is she allowed to pee without your permission.

You are ultra paranoid and probably DRIVING HER AWAY from you.

Back off - leave the OM alone. He can't have an affair alone - your wife is the one who laid down with him over 5 freaking YEARS ago.

MOVE ON already.

 

And the award for most unhelpful and incorrect post goes to...... (drumroll).... YOU!!! Congratulations!

 

You repeatedly state what an azz you are and you wonder why she doesn't give a damn about you anymore? Because she is tired of your anger, your attitude and you being a jerk.

She should run far and fast away from you.

And your poor kids -- they don't deserve the misery you are causing this family.

 

The guys self esteem is sinking because his sleazeball wife tried to restart an affair. Only a jerk would try to kick someone when they are down.

 

I suggest you pull your head out and read the whole thread!

[Chrome Barracuda]

And the award for most unhelpful and incorrect post goes to...... (drumroll).... YOU!!! Congratulations!

 

 

 

The guys self esteem is sinking because his sleazeball wife tried to restart an affair. Only a jerk would try to kick someone when they are down.

 

I suggest you pull your head out and read the whole thread!

 

I know right. FO doesnt understand what cheating will do to a BS! it's like insult and injury. If I was him I wouldnt do anything like the gps or keylogger once i have the truth I'd just file and sell the house...

[fooled once]

Where exactly was the evidence that she is restarting the affair? Show me that -- not suspicions but the evidence.

 

If I was this other man I would turn this guy in for threats.

 

He left a note.

 

He sent an email.

 

OMG call the police

 

He is a passive aggressive control freak who never forgave his wife in the first place. Even criminals have more freedom than her. He even admits to being an alcoholic - and he sounds like he was a mean drunk.

 

I call it like I see it.

 

And you are right, I have never been a BS

[Chrome Barracuda]

Where exactly was the evidence that she is restarting the affair? Show me that -- not suspicions but the evidence.

 

If I was this other man I would turn this guy in for threats.

 

He left a note.

 

He sent an email.

 

OMG call the police

 

He is a passive aggressive control freak who never forgave his wife in the first place. Even criminals have more freedom than her. He even admits to being an alcoholic - and he sounds like he was a mean drunk.

 

I call it like I see it.

 

And you are right, I have never been a BS

 

If she still showing signs of still stepping out on him, I'd say his parenoia is a certainty. She did it once, who's to say she wont do it again. She isnt working for recovery, isnt being transparent in her whereabouts, isnt rebuilding trust.

 

I mean damn how many red flags do you need!

 

So he drinks doesnt give her the right to step out on him...

 

Bottom line is this OM has invaded his marriage you dont think it's hard for him to forgive her? You dont think he's trying!? WTF he's in pain and the most you can do is call him an angry drunk? WTF?

 

He might have had a problem with drinking but yet again, she didnt have a problem sleeping with someone else while sober!

 

I think if he makes some changes and gets on his grind and becomes a better man and yet she does nothing than he should divorce her. This marriage is salvageable. She's probably in the middle of withdrawl and he's trying.

 

He didnt cheat, she did!

[lkjh]

And the award for most unhelpful and incorrect post goes to...... (drumroll).... YOU!!! Congratulations!

 

 

 

The guys self esteem is sinking because his sleazeball wife tried to restart an affair. Only a jerk would try to kick someone when they are down.

 

I suggest you pull your head out and read the whole thread!

 

 

This is freakin funny and true

[tg0623]

Sorry i have not posted to this thread in a while but alot has happened.... Good and Bad....

 

First of all, thanks to those for the support. I came here for help not to be put down thanks.

 

Well, i finally broke down or had a melt down and it was not pretty... I totally lost it and went off the dep end. We went out on a saturday night about 3-4 weeks ago. It was fun had a good time got home stayed up for a long time and the next morning woke up and she had gone to pick the kids up from the in laws. No problem right... Well, i try to call her and no answer or return call. So i kinda was ticked cause of that not knowing what was gonna go on for the day cause my luck i would get comfy on being lazy and she would want us to go and do a crap load of stuff.

Well, they do not sell liquor till 11 a.m. and it was only like 9:30am. I do not drink hard liquor cause it doesnt go well with me turns me crazy. Well, what did i do i opened a bottle of aguave tequilla a big bottle... i drank little more then half the bottle by the time she gotten home. I was totally drunk and stupid, she gets home and i just went off. I accused her of taking so long cause she was probably talking to him on a messenger or email on her parents computer which i would never know if she did or not. i started to let everything out, i mean everything on how i felt, accusations, everything. Well, she wanted to leave with the kids and i would not let them leave it just got worse and worse.. finally she left with them and i finished the bottle off and started to drink more.

I got so drunk i did not care anymore about anything. I texted my dad saying i was sorry for not talking to him for a while and i wished things would have been different and i was not sure what was gonna happen to me. He had gotten a little alarmed from that and was on his way home which was actually going past my house. so he stopped and was wondering what happened i told him and he was glad he stopped by to check cause if he had not i would have been in trouble not with police but i think i would have hurt myself pretty bad. well, she did not want to talk to me so i left her alone did not care anymore. I had gotten really really sick i thought i was dying from drinking all day and night sunday. I should have gone to the hospital i think i had alcohol poisining.

The next day monday i was a total wreck. i had sobered up a bit and could not believe what i did, it was like having a nightmare wishing you would wake up and you do and say thank god that was a dream... except, i could not wake up. I ruined everything, my kids were scared of me, they did not want me anymore, nor did she. I basically ruined my life that sunday! Lost everything even though our marriage is mainly lies lies lies and i hated everything so much it really hurt me very badly. I could not eat, sleep, think. i did not want to go on.

She had talked to my mother and told her that i need help and that she would not talk to me until i did get help cause my promises are not enough anymore since i promised to stop drinking all the time. She finally had enough as well. I went to work and told them i have drinking problem and need to get help before i lose my job which is all i have left besides my immediate family. They understood and were very supported which helped me try to move on cause i really thought this was the end for me especially if i lost the job because she texted me saying if i loose the job they will not come back home at all. So now pressure built from that and i got worse worrying none stop.

I took the week off from work and found a good psychologist right down the street from me so i could walk since i do not have a car and she had our car. I started to see him right away, i wish i would have done this years ago instead of letting my ego get to me thinking i was too good for help lol... i saw him 4 times alone that week and i needed it.

To fast forward a bit, i have not drank for 22 days now and feel totally different. I dont have many cravings, my temper and anger have dried up, i think clear now, i drink water all the time now my liver must be happy. So we started to text, she was happy that i finally got help and little by little we talked. I found out i have anti-personality disorder, stress related alcoholism. learned alot and have been doing great. I have been fixing my house up, learning to cook, learning guitar as well. i need to keep busy.

They are finally home now, i have changed pretty much a full 180 degrees. She has noticed a big difference and is happy but still is a bit weary which i understand she just wants to make sure i do not go back. but yet i would like her to open up a bit more since its been weeks now.

The kids are great now and are over it all now and love me more since they see i am different. it is funny how they look at me and ask me about things, there curiousity is different that they see i talk with them now instead of pushing them away and getting sad.

I still see the wife is taking it all in and i need to give her time. The psych really helped me with my insecurity about the other guy and i am now over it. She has not tried to pursue him nor has he come back around. i still have the keylogger on but i do not check her gps, phone calls anymore. i just will check the logs from the key logger once in a while. I feel i leave that there and if i ever get a bad feeling i will check the logs and if i see something then i am leaving but if she doesnt then it will work out.

I asked her about us and at first she did not want to talk about it but finally she opened up a bit. We still need to go to MC but once i am done fixing me we will. I will not be drinking anymore neither those days are long gone and i prefer it this way i made that choice no one else did.

 

But here is what is bothering me now..... She says she loves me and wants things to work and its on me. Not to mention this is my last chance with her, she said if i mess this up she is done.

I found out that when we got into the fight she talked to her girlfriend and had told her that she did not even love me. It broke my heart at first but then i remembered this was said when the fight first happened so she probably said it in anger. Her friend emailed her saying "even though you told me you do not even love him you and I both know this is not true cause if it were you would have left along time ago. You need the man you fell in love with and the husband you married not the drunk madman he has become.Give him a chance if he is getting the help you wanted him to get."

So i talked to her one night asking her with out telling her what i knew if she even loves me.... She says yes if not i would have left a long time ago, she says my parents will support me and you still can have a relationship with the kids so me and you do not need to be together but i am still with you so i do love you. To me what she said to me was basically the same thing her friend told her. Meaning that she did not tell me how she felt just took the easy way by telling me exactly what her friend said to her. so now i am confused on that.... One reason is because lack of sex. We did it a few days after she came home but that was cause i gave her a back massage and it turned her on. She said it was not make up sex either. She said i have to earn that and it now has been like 3-4 weeks and when i bring sex up she says that is all i want and use her for it. I said how can that be true cause we still do not do it lol.

I know to give her time but man i really changed alot and i mean alot, i wish she would open back up to me already not just for sex but for us to be a happy couple again. any advice?

[MistyK]

Whoa. 3 weeks is no way enough time to establish long-term change. You expect WAY too much of yourself and your wife. No one kicks alcoholism that fast; you're setting yourself up to fail. I hope you are going to AA meetings, daily. Chill out about sex. You two have a long way to go. She's with you and supporting you, that's enough for now after what you put her through. Focus on recovering from alcohol abuse. That is job #1 for you now.

[NoIDidn't]

Where exactly was the evidence that she is restarting the affair? Show me that -- not suspicions but the evidence.

 

If I was this other man I would turn this guy in for threats.

 

He left a note.

 

He sent an email.

 

OMG call the police

 

He is a passive aggressive control freak who never forgave his wife in the first place. Even criminals have more freedom than her. He even admits to being an alcoholic - and he sounds like he was a mean drunk.

 

I call it like I see it.

 

And you are right, I have never been a BS

 

After reading that update above, I would say that you were right. Yikes!

 

I still wonder why people cheat on drunks and abusive partners and then try to act like they are angels, though.

 

I hope the OP continues with his therapy and is able to be sober from here on out. That drinking in the morning and getting totally toasted sounded absolutely terrifying.

[tami-chan]

I still wonder why people cheat on drunks and abusive partners and then try to act like they are angels' date=' though..[/quote']

 

and I wonder why drunks and abusive partners believe they deserve loyalty and fidelity.....if a WS stays in a relationship like that , she/he should be commended for at least, taking care of the house, the billls, and probably the drunk and or abusive BS's sorry behind...

 

Being abusive is a major betrayal in a marriage.

[boldjack]

I agree with Tami. I think that both of these people have serious issues, and neither partner is capable of helping the other. this is a doomed marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

and I wonder why drunks and abusive partners believe they deserve loyalty and fidelity.....if a WS stays in a relationship like that , she/he should be commended for at least, taking care of the house, the billls, and probably the drunk and or abusive BS's sorry behind...

 

Being abusive is a major betrayal in a marriage.

 

I agree.

 

However, tami, with you it wouldn't have mattered if he were drunk and abusive. Either way you would have defended the female cheater as it had to have been SOMETHING tg did to deserve it.

 

And even though he can't claim any high ground here because of the way he is, you mention nothing about how her betrayal is absolutely wrong. typical

 

with that, tg....get yourself some help, get into AA, or any program to help with your issues.

 

And when you are done, get rid of her.