pinkpanther083 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]If you have read my other post, apologies it was rather long! But you know the background to my relationship, for those of you who don’t: My partner is divorced with two children, and throughout the relationship I have felt unimportant. He is on good terms with his ex, although she does throw her weight around. The children stay at our house every Tuesday/Wednesday night and every weekend, he goes to see them at his ex’s every Thursday and stays there till 11pm (as she goes out). [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]We had a big argument a few weeks ago, it was 1am, he’d been out and was rather drunk, I don’t remember how it started, but it resulted in me telling him to pack his stuff and get out because I’d had enough. We talked some more till 5am and eventually went to bed on good terms. Since that night things have improved, he is more affectionate and aware of my feelings, he notices if I’m not quite myself and asks if there is anything he can do. We are also going to the cinema tonight, which is something we don’t do very often, unless it is a kids movie. That is something which hasn’t changed, we don’t go out anywhere for the two of us, it’s always places for the kids. In the two years we’ve been together I think we’ve been out for an evening meal only twice, and then it was only because the movie started late, or we were heading home after shopping and felt hungry. It feels like our relationship bypassed a huge phase of being ‘just a couple’, instead it was ‘instant family’. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I think the effort he is making now is too little too late, I don’t feel happy or content, in fact I’m not sure I remember when I last felt truly happy. We took a couple days off to spend time together last month, we went shopping and saw a movie one day, and the beach the next. However I ended up paying for everything, diesel, food, and cinema. He isn’t very good with his money, and has the children to pay for and debt from his marriage to pay off. I had got very excited about us going somewhere, even though it may seem like very normal places to go, it was just the two of us, but I was disappointed. I don’t expect to be spoilt or for him to pay for everything, but it would be nice to be treated once in a while, or to go halves at least, it put a damper on those two days. I know I wear the financial trousers in our relationship, but I don’t think he is purposefully ‘using’ my money, I think he is perhaps oblivious. But even then, to me that shows he doesn’t consider my feelings. This month I even had to loan him money to pay back his ex! We didn’t have a lot of money left ourselves, and even had to go cash in the kids copper jars just so we could buy food![/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Over the past few months I’ve noticed that I dread the children coming over, generally they are well behaved and no trouble, but I still feel agitated when they visit. I’m not jealous of them, I think it’s wonderful how much he loves his children and that they spend a lot of time with him (unlike him and his father when he was young). I think I feel the way I do because I’m not ready for children of my own, let alone being a step mum. I’m 25 and there is so much in this world that I want to do. There was a point in time, when I thought we’d end up getting married, and it was what I wanted. But now having lived together for another 7 months I don’t think I feel that way anymore. If he asked me to marry him now, I’d say no. Which I suppose spells it out. I think about being without him, and it is upsetting, I think if perhaps he didn’t have an ex-wife and children then it would be different, but he will always have an ex-wife and children, and that’s what I have to remember, I can’t have one without the other. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I have a fantastic opportunity to go abroad and work as scuba instructor, I am having a telephone interview tomorrow! I feel bad that I have done this without his knowledge, he knows I want to pursue a career in diving, but there isn’t much on offer in the UK, and it’s certainly not as inviting. If I get offered a place I’d really like to accept it, but I know that will mean the end of my relationship, as he wouldn’t come with me because the children would be here with their mum, and I wouldn’t expect him to leave them anyway. Even if there was some way of us working things out and me still being able to take this job, I’m not sure it would be what I wanted. We’re due to move into a new house shortly, and the closer the deadline gets, the less I want to move.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri][/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I'm worried because I don’t know how to tell him how I feel, I live with him, so when is the right time to say something? I can’t just wake up Saturday morning, have breakfast and then begin a conversation out of the blue, I also don’t want to drop it on him when he gets home from work. How do I tell him without sounding harsh, or hurting him, that him having children is too difficult??[/FONT][/sIZE]
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