randasmith Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 The OW, and a married OW at that. I'm not going to disclose any names, but here's how things went. A little over 12 years ago, I was dating and engaged (still in high school) to this guy that was my best friend before we ended up being a couple. Our relationship started blossoming after one of his friends that I had dated cheated on me and he thought I should know bc it was a bad relationship-the guy was verbally abusive and was getting closer to being physically abusive by the day. We started talking every day on the phone, typical teenage stuff, and when he finally asked me out-I was relieved because I starting to harbor feelings towards him of more than friends. So our relationship was great. We never argued, had a great time together because we both had warped senses of humor, liked a lot of the same things and had the same views on certain topics. We went to each other's prom's because we went to separate schools, and were doing great. Until my mom and dad informed me that I had to move across the country with them. I was still legally a minor and had no say in the matter. I had to do what I was told. I told him of this, and the night before I left he and I stayed at a mutual friends house, just so we wouldn't have to say goodbye any sooner than we had to. The next day when I was getting ready to leave he proposed with only his class ring because it's all he could afford. I graciously accepted and told him I would come back as soon as I could. He said he'd wait and we left things at that. Once moved I called as much as I could, and wrote when I couldn't. That's when one of my female best friends started having problems with her boyfriend, and she asked me for my then fiance's number (mistake #1)just for someone to talk to since she didn't have many friends. I didn't think anything of it, so I agreed. We continued writing and talking for a few more months, until he wouldn't be home when I'd call or he wouldn't write me back. Then I got word that he and her had started dating. I didn't give neither one of them a chance to explain and just mailed his things he'd given me back and broke it off. Now this female friend of mine knew he and I were engaged and were planning a wedding for a time close after graduation. We were not wealthy and were more focused on being together-so it was going to be a small ceremony. I didn't talk to either one of them until I went to visit her a few years later when my first husband and I went out to visit and at the time I had no hard feelings because I was happy. Fast forward to the present, I was curious at what was going on with them both (strictly on a friend level) and looked them up on a social networking site. Low and behold there he was! I was also having a trying moment in my current marriage although it wasn't the reason I looked them up. I couldn't contain my excitement and sent a message immediately. I got a response from her who only got on his page (she was too big of a coward to have one of her own so I found out) but he seen the message and then sent me a text message and that's when it all started. At first we talked as friends catching up and gradually my feelings that I've kept bottled up for years all came flooding back. I kept them to myself as not to cause any harm, but when he said exactly what I'd been keeping a secret I blurted mine out as well. Then it was basically an emotional affair, mixed with a few vividly imaginative text messages to shock the other or whatever. I'd become rather close to him almost like he was my best friend again. There was never any physical contact because we live about 2 hours away from each other and with my two kids and his three and other life happenings it wasn't possible. We had a conversation via IM on the site the other night, and two days later his wife went snooping on it and found it. We were telling each other that we loved each other and things. I know it was wrong, but I do love him-I always have and I always will I guess. She kicked him out, etc etc etc but he went back etc etc etc. We didn't talk Monday except for him to tell me that he was back and would text me as soon as he could. Tuesday comes, and things seem ok. I'm a little bitter at her snooping on his page and things, not to mention I have unfinished business about her agreeing to sleep with and date then marry the one I was supposed to. We talk about what happened and I give him my opinions on it and her. Wednesday: We argued all morning because she wanted to call me and I told him that was fine but for him to be ready to console her after I told her she was no better than I was. So then he wouldn't do, anyways to shorten this up some-we argued all day until I told him not to contact me via the networking site, or my email or my cell phone number. That I couldn't be his friend right now due to how I felt about him. Now-why do I feel like a fool? Why do I hurt so badly when I think of not talking to him the way we used to before she seen our conversation and because there's no way possible we'll ever pick up where we left off? He was my high school sweetheart and I still care as much about him as I did 12 years ago. How do I fix this hurt, and should I tell my current husband with whom I have no emotional bond with and haven't since shortly after we married?
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Now-why do I feel like a fool? Why do I hurt so badly when I think of not talking to him the way we used to before she seen our conversation and because there's no way possible we'll ever pick up where we left off? He was my high school sweetheart and I still care as much about him as I did 12 years ago. How do I fix this hurt, and should I tell my current husband with whom I have no emotional bond with and haven't since shortly after we married? you have no emotional bond with your husband, you love another man, "always have, always will".....so why don't you do right by your husband and set him free from you with a divorce? really, if you are going to be untrue to him and don't feel your heart belongs to him, let him go so he can salvage the rest of his life.
Teslacoil Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Now-why do I feel like a fool? Why do I hurt so badly when I think of not talking to him the way we used to before she seen our conversation and because there's no way possible we'll ever pick up where we left off? He was my high school sweetheart and I still care as much about him as I did 12 years ago. How do I fix this hurt, and should I tell my current husband with whom I have no emotional bond with and haven't since shortly after we married? You feel like a fool because you're acting like one, honestly. Make a decision to work on your marriage with your husband, or make a decision not to. Neither you or your husband deserve to be wasting time with each other. You say that it's a loveless marriage for you. Is it a loveless marriage for him? Your obsession with your long-lost high-school sweetheart is unfortunate. The absolute worst thing you could do would be to split up your marriage because of him, and then split up his marriage. Your girlfriend stole your boyfriend/fiance 12 years ago. It's time to let that go. You and she and him were all just kids. You're an adult now. If you want to be free from your marriage, do so. Then go and find a great relationship with another available person who you can fall in love with. You might want to go to therapy to deal with your obsession with this long lost love. Chances are good that you really don't love him anymore. The kid inside you still loves who he was way back then. You're still just hung up on that young love feeling, which is tough to let go. Don't contact this guy and/or his wife anymore, and do yourself a favor and delete the person from your Facebook account so you won't be tempted to always look up on them. Get your own life and marriage in order, whichever way you choose to do it.
Owl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Your situation with your husband is the first thing you need to address...and notice that it came LAST in your line of thinking. Something for you to consider there. If you have no emotional bond with him...then you either need to fix that relationship, or end it. You're not free to be with this other guy until BOTH of you are 'free' to do so. That means that BOTH of you need to be available. Ergo...two divorces would be required first... So my suggestion is this...put your MM/OM relationship on hold for now, at most. Focus on getting out of your marriage, if it's not one that can blossom into a 'real romance'. Solve that problem first. THEN see where things are running with MM. See if he's done the same thing. If so...consider dating him. If not...live the single life until he's free to be with you. Simple...not easy...but simple. And nothing you didn't already know before you came here.
Author randasmith Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Granted I know we were all kids, and no salvaging my marriage has not come last. At the time I became more attached to the MM was during a point in our marriage where I was uncertain that if I wanted to try to make it work. I'm still here, so I guess you can figure out my decision. I'm somewhat at a loss as to what to do anymore when it comes to how to approach him about feeling the way I do. I'm seriously considering telling him about what happened between the MM and myself. I don't want to divorce my husband because I honestly do love him as well. I can't imagine waking up one day and him not being there.The reason I'm wanting to tell him is because I have told him before that the emotionless point of our marriage on his part was making me unhappy and I couldn't think of a way to get him be a little more forthcoming. I've ended things with MM yesterday and made it final with him today that I can't do it anymore. His marriage is a volatile one and he doesn't seem to be wanting to do anything to either fix it or move on. I even ended it before I posted here. I've always heard that "you'll always love your first love" and maybe that's just the case. Anyway I called and talked to my girlfriend today and she empathizes with the situation, she was my "twin" when I was in high school and so she knows the entire situation. Thanks for some of the advice from some of you-I've got it handled now.
Reggie Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Have you considered the fact that it was not just your girlfriend that cheated way back then, but he did, as well? So, you've been witness to two of his affairs , now. Doesn't that make you wonder about what type of person he really is? Also, I agree your H needs to know about the cheating so he can decide if he wants to remain with you. He should know about your lack of feelings for him and your desire to be with another guy, wouldn't you agree?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I'm a little bitter at her snooping on his page and things, not to mention I have unfinished business about her agreeing to sleep with and date then marry the one I was supposed to. It's amazing how you want to make her the bad guy when she's just trying anything she can to keep you - you're the "other woman", remember? - away from her husband and out of her marriage. If you're angry with anyone, why not the ex-BF? He's the one the dumped you. I'm still here, so I guess you can figure out my decision. I'm somewhat at a loss as to what to do anymore when it comes to how to approach him about feeling the way I do. I'm seriously considering telling him about what happened between the MM and myself. I don't want to divorce my husband because I honestly do love him as well. All your decision means is that you're not brave enough to deal with the very real issues in front of you. You're not even honest with yourself - first it's "my current husband with whom I have no emotional bond with and haven't since shortly after we married". Then "I don't want to divorce my husband because I honestly do love him as well. I can't imagine waking up one day and him not being there." Would your H be there if he found your emails to your OM? Mr. Lucky
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