sometimes I think he resents me and my work.

[milvushina]

I hate fighting with my husband.. we just had an argument, and I don't understand why he has to start in on me in the mornings. I got a promotion yesterday, a really big one. We celebrated a little, stayed up and had a few drinks after baby was in bed. He is really excited for me and hopeful that new opportunities will come along for him. He really is so sweet.

 

But I know it bothers him that I make more money, and now even more. I never do anything to rub it in, we share everything and we always call it our money and our promotions. I can't help it if I've been promoted more, most of which I didn't even apply for. We both work hard and do good jobs and together we make plenty of money.. why does he have to be so uptight about who makes more? It's just STUPID.

 

So, this Friday we have a babysitter and we talked about going to play putt putt golf and then world of warcraft with some friends. He mentioned he might work Friday night, and I asked him not to work on our night off. Then, I found out I have to do a project on Friday and might work a little late. But only 30 min. to an hour, nothing that will ruin our plans; he was talking about working for several hours. And he started going off on me about everything.

 

When I told him yesterday I'd have to stay late, he didn't really seem to care, but this morning he was pissed. I made a piece of toast for me and the baby only because I was tired/hungover and just not thinking, but he was really angry that I didn't make him any. Then, I made myself a sandwich for lunch, and he was mad that I didn't make him one. Like it's my job to make his lunches, he can make his own damn sandwich.

 

I often make lunches for both of us, but I think of it as a favor, not something to get chewed out for NOT doing. Then he said I think differently about his job than I do about mine, that I care less about his, that I am selfish, I don't think about him, and I think he was insulted that I thought about making toast for the baby but not for him. Well, it's not just an inconvenience for the baby if nobody makes his food, he literally can't eat by himself, so it's a little easier to remember to do things for him.

 

I just don't understand why he can't be a little flexible. We both work in IT and he knows the nature of maintenance and how flexible you need to be! Why does it matter if we start playing a game at 5:30 or 6:30 when we have a whole night off together? Sometimes I just feel irate with our whole society, that demands men measure themselves with these inane yardsticks and yet also requires a double-income family if you don't want to live in a hovel. And as a reward for all my hard work and my talents for being methodical, patient and energetic at work....I get resented. Sometimes that's how I feel.

 

Sorry for the rant, thanks.

[Els]

I'm sorry but he sounds rather chauvinistic to me. Being uptight about you making more? (Incidentally, how do you know it bothers him since he celebrated it with you anyway?) Thinking that it's your DUTY to make him lunch and breakfast even though you both have full-time jobs, and throwing a hissy fit if you don't??

 

Is there a pattern to these things, or are they just one-off mistakes on his part?

[milvushina]

I'm sorry but he sounds rather chauvinistic to me. Being uptight about you making more? (Incidentally, how do you know it bothers him since he celebrated it with you anyway?) Thinking that it's your DUTY to make him lunch and breakfast even though you both have full-time jobs, and throwing a hissy fit if you don't??

 

Is there a pattern to these things, or are they just one-off mistakes on his part?

 

Meh, he has random hissy fits. Not super regular but not one-off either. I just get frustrated because he acts so ridiculous! (it seems to me)

 

I know it bothers him because he's confided in me while NOT arguing. I think he knows it's a little chauvanistic but can't help it. Sometimes he lashes out about one thing and I get the feeling it is really something else, like the money issue. For instance, he gets gripy sometimes when he has to watch the baby while I work an evening, even if we've known for weeks I'll be working. I think it makes him feel like a nanny or something.

 

And yea, the lunch/breakfast thing was just silly! OMG, just make some cereal. Or take 30 seconds to make your own toast. See, it's about something else. It's about the fact that I have to make my work a priority. I'd never put it above my family, but now I do have to bring it home sometimes.

[Els]

Well, it sounds ridiculous to me too!!

 

Has he always been like this? Did you not notice it before, or did you get married thinking he would change or you could learn to live with it?

 

Also, did his mommy always wait on him hand and foot when he was a kid and never expected him to do any house chores, even for himself? It certainly sounds like it...

[mark982]

he's feeling like less of a man,because of your promotion. have you tried setting him down and just discussing this with him? men can have some very fragile ego's,and not being the breadwinner is eating at him.

[sally4sara]

Perhaps with the money ooomph from your promotion, he can see a counselor about his feelings of not being the main earner and how that makes him feel as a man? It certainly isn't your fault nor should you try to perform poorly at work to ensure you don't outshine him. It is completely reasonable to expect him to not take his feeling inadequate out on you.

He feels this way about it and that should be attended to so he doesn't feel like you don't care. Certainly don't tell him his is being ridiculous (I know you feel it is how he handles his feelings and not that he HAS these feelings that is ridiculous). Telling him that in those words probably makes him feel worse.

 

If he goes to a counselor, he might find other ways to measure his manliness. He might learn to value himself more as a father and find that as a good source for self esteem.

Or maybe some classes to enhance his earning potential?

[Enema]

Let him beat you in a few duels.

 

Problem solved.

[milvushina]

Thanks for the responses. When I feel frustrated with him, I just like to talk about it. I don't complain about him to our/my real-life friends, it just doesn't seem right. Yes Mom spoiled him.. yes he has issues with "manliness". I think both of those are mostly due to losing his dad at a very young age.

 

I'd love to see a counselor, but it's hard to find time. I don't know if he would go. He has the attitude that healthy people don't need counseling, whereas I think everyone can use it... And we are both pretty well-adjusted people. He can be dramatic when upset. I probably have told him he acts ridiculous or like a teenager and I shouldn't.

 

Let him beat you in a few duels.

 

Problem solved.

 

Ok, I'll stop refusing all his duels like I have been since going Holy.

[Els]

I think there are two issues here.

 

One is the being-spoilt-by-mum one. That leads to the tantrums when he needs to make his own lunch or when he feels that his ego has been bruised. And the other is that insecure chauvinistic ego.

 

The spoilt one I honestly think (and please don't be offended by this) that you encouraged. I could be wrong, of course. Do you ALWAYS make all his meals for him and do all the house chores (even though you're working)?

 

The chauvinism one.. well I guess all males have it in them to a degree. I think my bf would prefer to earn more than me as well... he just wouldn't throw a tantrum if I did, but rather use it as motivation for HIM to work harder to achieve more.

[soserious1]

During my marriage I was the sole breadwinner, my husband seldom expressed open resentment of this but made his contempt clear in other ways. He shopped and cooked, did laundry but all other cleaning was my job.. as anybody who runs a home knows there's a lot more to running a house than cooking,shopping and laundry (and no, he didn't do yard work, painting or fixing anything, nor did her ever do anything involving my car)

 

It was like there was an unspoken message and that message was "yo biatch, you might have a PH.D and a hot shot job but here at home,only your hands are lowly enough to scrub the toilet I crap in, so git to scrubbing"

 

He always bragged about how great a husband he was and how I should be grateful to him, after all he did so much more than

other husbands we knew... conviently forgetting of course that those husbands also worked full time jobs.

 

 

I think to a greater or lesser degree that the situation is similar for many dual career couples. The man may realize that it

isn't PC to not do 1/2 the household tasks but underneath it all sort of expects a professionally employed wife to still

function more like a traditional stay at home wife. His irritation/anger that she doesn't comes across as a simmering, sullen resentment

that you've got to directly confront and drag into the open for the issue to be openly discussed.

[Jax Star]

I don't think it's fair to call him a chauvinist or anything of that sort. That's just another way for women to drive their men away. There could be a number of issues to why he's so grumpy. You said you know it bothers him that you make more money, and now even more. Did he tell you that, or is that an assumption?

 

All men are different. Some men want to be the breadwinners because it shows patriarchy, which doesn't necessarily mean that he thinks he's in control of everything, and you have no opinion or authority. That is the cynic thinking of a radical feminist. It just gives him great pride to feel he can provide and support his entire family financially without his wife doing most of the work; and if preferred, she doesn’t have to work so ceaselessly. Some men want to come home to their wives and not have to endure them working all the time. There’s nothing wrong with those types of men. There are some men who don’t mind their wives being the breadwinners. They’re utterly comfortable with their wives making the majority to all the money, and if they can’t see their wives when they come home from work, they’ll just find something to do to occupy that period of time, which is perfectly fine too.

 

He might be going through some personal issues and doesn’t know how to express them to you. Maybe he’s resenting the fact that you are following your career ambitions with perpetuating success, and he isn’t? Maybe he wants you home more and thinks your perpetuating career will soon destroy your marriage? Or maybe he thinks your work is taking a lot out of you to where it’s stifling your ability to be the type of wife he wants you to be?

 

Have you ever asked him if he’s bother by the fact that you make more money than him? If so, though you may have asked it in the form of a question, remote from insinuating jealousy, he might’ve taken it as a question of jealously. If he ungracious denies it, it can be a subtle sign of admit or offense. Never know…..

 

If you both can’t resolve his frustration together, either he or you both should seek marriage counseling. Don’t rule it out as childish yet. We as adults get moody whether for short or long durations.

[Els]

Maybe he wants you home more and thinks your perpetuating career will soon destroy your marriage? Or maybe he thinks your work is taking a lot out of you to where it’s stifling your ability to be the type of wife he wants you to be?

 

Honestly, if the roles had been reversed, would you say that this is okay? That it's NOT childish/misandrist/etc for the woman to want the husband at home more and thus throw a hissy fit whenever he has to work late for his career? Or oppose his career because she thinks it's stifling his ability to be the family man she wants him to be? Or complain about needing to nurse the baby that they had TOGETHER?

 

Instead of talking things through with him like a mature adult? Come on, look at his passive-aggressive behaviour. Whining about her not making lunch for him is NOT the same as 'being moody for a period of time'.

[D-Lish]

[quote=milvushina;2289833, he gets gripy sometimes when he has to watch the baby while I work an evening, even if we've known for weeks I'll be working. I think it makes him feel like a nanny or something.

 

Last time I checked, it's called parenting.

 

Sounds like he needs to find himself an ego boost, to make him feel like he is on equal footing again.

[Jax Star]

Honestly, if the roles had been reversed, would you say that this is okay? That it's NOT childish/misandrist/etc for the woman to want the husband at home more and thus throw a hissy fit whenever he has to work late for his career? Or oppose his career because she thinks it's stifling his ability to be the family man she wants him to be? Or complain about needing to nurse the baby that they had TOGETHER?

 

 

 

No, it would not be okay if he’s neglecting his wife and kids. That’s why I said all men are different, as well as women. Most women cheat because of that. There is actually a website where married women hook up with single men just to relive the romance and excitement they aren’t getting from their husbands anymore. There are over 6 million women registered to this site.

 

This is her husband, not some a-hole she just met. We do not know precisely everything they have done together or for each other lovingly. She has only brought us one ratio of their problems, not a bucket full.

 

 

Instead of talking things through with him like a mature adult? Come on, look at his passive-aggressive behaviour. Whining about her not making lunch for him is NOT the same as 'being moody for a period of time'.

 

 

 

Please, you act as if women in marriage are mature at all times. Some women have mood swings, cry, ignore and are subtle with their anger by sporadically being rude to their husbands, until he asks what’s wrong. Sometimes that last for an extent period of time. The way you’re talking is if she should give up. Just categorize him as an immature chauvinist, and find another husband... smh... He might be going through a phase right now. It may last one week, one month or one year. These are the bad times in marriage. Regardless of how ridiculous it seems to us, you can’t just derogate the value of his feelings. We don’t know the love and passionate they’ve shared with each other. She should try to understand why he feels that way and if he continues treating her in that matter, then she should give him an ultimatum.

 

Some women, like yourself, want all men to conventionally act in the matter of letting their wives follow her career even if it completely extracts her from the intimacy and duties of a wife. Not every man is going to convert to that type of thinking. Every man and woman is different. On the contrary, some women want to stay home and not work but their husbands severely want them to. Different strokes for different folks.

 

 

 

 

To be honest, I really don't know how you think.... That was just and assumption.

[Els]

Look, I'm not saying that all women are perfect and all men are *******s. I NEVER said that she should leave him. Please point out where you got that assumption.

 

What I'm saying is that you are giving excuses for his behaviour. Yes, some women act like that as well. Yes, it's wrong. But as long as excuses continue to be given for it, there will be no progress, no communication and no change.

 

And some men, like yourself, want all women to conventionally act in the manner of being the one to give in to what their husband wants, whereas their husband is entitled to a thousand and one excuses for HIS lack of compromise.

 

Wait, I just read that you said his behaviour isn't okay. So what's your point?

[Jax Star]

Look, I'm not saying that all women are perfect and all men are *******s. I NEVER said that she should leave him. Please point out where you got that assumption.

 

What I'm saying is that you are giving excuses for his behaviour. Yes, some women act like that as well. Yes, it's wrong. But as long as excuses continue to be given for it, there will be no progress, no communication and no change.

 

And some men, like yourself, want all women to conventionally act in the manner of being the one to give in to what their husband wants, whereas their husband is entitled to a thousand and one excuses for HIS lack of compromise.

 

Wait, I just read that you said his behaviour isn't okay. So what's your point?

 

You're wrong. You may not have said it but you and a few others are insinuation it in so many ways. If not, to nitpick back at him. Here’s my point…. Yes, the way he’s acting is not right but if she scolds him it’s only going to cause more problems. Two people attacking each other is not going to help her situation. I’m not saying you’re suggesting that, but if she were to approach him saying,” I’m not making you lunch anymore”, “you’re a momma's boy”, “you’re just mad that I make more money than you”, and “you’re chauvinist”; those barrage of comments are only going to incite the situation. Instead of approaching him like he's approaching her, she should try to be the mature one (if he's not) and resolve.

 

 

I understand that people are just giving their opinion but to suggest he’s chauvinist is no different from accusing someone of racism or any other negative isms. It’s an extreme statement to something we don’t even know is substantiated. It’s more likely that it’s an assumption because she states after that they share everything and they both always call it their money and their promotions. Wouldn't you be upset if your BF accused your bad moods as being a radical feminist, misandrist, or female chauvinist when that may not be it?

 

Actually I’m an activist of compromise. I think her situation is more of a communication issue. Besides, we’re only hearing one side of the story, and one person's perspective is not the whole perspective. I’m unapologetic when it comes to promoting optimism.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Asking him not to work late on Friday and then doing so yourself? Wow, what a way to say, "You're not important enough at your job to need to be there, but I am!"

 

Look, if it makes him happy and makes him feel loved for you to take 30 seconds to make him toast, why would you rather argue than make the dam toast? Fix the man a sammich, lady! Not because you should, not because you're the woman and that's your job, but because it makes your husband feel loved and you want to be the one who makes him feel that way.

[Els]

If it is indeed true that he resents her earning more than him and resents needing to take care of the baby he is indeed a chauvinist. If I acted towards my bf in any way that demonstrated that I thought men were inferior then yes, I should be called a misandrist, even if it was tied in with PMS mood swings.

 

Noone EVER said that she should go barrage him with all those accusations mindlessly. God. You're extrapolating everything I'm saying. I don't care what you think, that was never my intention, please quote where in my post it even sounds like I was advising her to do that. Also you still haven't provided the quote where I 'insinuated that she should leave him'. Please show proof if you wish to make such baseless accusations.

 

All over these boards people attempt to categorize the behaviour of the person that the OP is talking about. Narcissistic. Immature jerk. Selfish princess. Etc etc. So if you assume that me doing the same equals to me advising her to go off at him and call him he terms that we're categorizing his behaviour as, you'd better go around all the other threads and start doing the same. What makes mine so different? Is 'chauvinist' such a sensitive term, like 'chink' (and I'm Chinese myself before anyone gets offended), that you should get all riled up about me labelling him as such?

 

FYI I didn't even suggest any course of action yet. I merely stated the issues that the OP has to deal with, and if she had responded then perhaps I would have moved on to the advice. Naming an issue 'immaturity' or 'chauvinism' is NOT the same as saying that the best course of action is for her to go and yell such things at him! Geez. If it makes you feel any better, the course of action I would have suggested had she responded, would have been communication. It's just that by deciding WHAT the issues are that she wishes to communicate about, she would have been able to do it more effectively, rather than just picking on a one-time thing (e.g. 'Honey, I really wish you'd try and help with the baby more, do you have any hangups about taking care of children?' not 'You complained about needing to nurse the baby on XY afternoon!')

 

lonelyandfrustrated, I sure hope that if it makes your wife happy to get a foot massage for a few minutes, you're going to give her a foot massage each and every time she asks for one. Even if it's every day. Even if she doesn't reciprocate. Even if you're busy. Even if she comes to EXPECT that she's gonna get one everyday and instead of appreciating it, she whines if you miss out on one day.

[norajane]

Yes, the way he’s acting is not right but if she scolds him it’s only going to cause more problems. Two people attacking each other is not going to help her situation. I’m not saying you’re suggesting that, but if she were to approach him saying,” I’m not making you lunch anymore”, “you’re a momma's boy”, “you’re just mad that I make more money than you”, and “you’re chauvinist”; those barrage of comments are only going to incite the situation. Instead of approaching him like he's approaching her, she should try to be the mature one (if he's not) and resolve.

 

I do agree with this. Approaching him with compassion would likely help their relationship a lot more than being confrontational. If he's already sensitive about his role, her income, etc., then coming to him in anger and frustration will just put him on the defensive and make any sort of "meeting of the minds" difficult to attain.

 

Presumably, they love each other and have just hit a rough spot right now that milvushina would like to smooth out, for her sake, his, and their family and marriage. And sometimes that does require being the bigger person and seeing through when someone is being pissy to the real issue they are sensitive about underneath.

 

If he has issues with 'manliness', as milvushina said, then be extra-sensitive to that and make him feel manly! Every man wants to feel admired and appreciated and wants to believe his wife thinks he's superman. So be sure to compliment him, make him feel needed and wanted, not expendable.

[Jax Star]

If it is indeed true that he resents her earning more than him and resents needing to take care of the baby he is indeed a chauvinist. If I acted towards my bf in any way that demonstrated that I thought men were inferior then yes, I should be called a misandrist, even if it was tied in with PMS mood swings.

 

Noone EVER said that she should go barrage him with all those accusations mindlessly. God. You're extrapolating everything I'm saying. I don't care what you think, that was never my intention, please quote where in my post it even sounds like I was advising her to do that. Also you still haven't provided the quote where I 'insinuated that she should leave him'. Please show proof if you wish to make such baseless accusations.

 

All over these boards people attempt to categorize the behaviour of the person that the OP is talking about. Narcissistic. Immature jerk. Selfish princess. Etc etc. So if you assume that me doing the same equals to me advising her to go off at him and call him he terms that we're categorizing his behaviour as, you'd better go around all the other threads and start doing the same. What makes mine so different? Is 'chauvinist' such a sensitive term, like 'chink' (and I'm Chinese myself before anyone gets offended), that you should get all riled up about me labelling him as such?

 

FYI I didn't even suggest any course of action yet. I merely stated the issues that the OP has to deal with, and if she had responded then perhaps I would have moved on to the advice. Naming an issue 'immaturity' or 'chauvinism' is NOT the same as saying that the best course of action is for her to go and yell such things at him! Geez.

 

lonelyandfrustrated, I sure hope that if it makes your wife happy to get a foot massage for a few minutes, you're going to give her a foot massage each and every time she whines for one. Even if it's every day. Even if she doesn't reciprocate. Even if you're busy.

 

Well all I have to say to all of that this it's just throwing more fuel onto the fire. All the things you think I'm accusing you of doing, you're accusing me of. I'm just saying throwing these ideas in her mind is not help. But you have the right to your opinion. When I posted my first comment, I was speaking to everyone that fiercely criticized his behavior. My mistake for applying the word chauvinist to my post because you ASSUMED it was directed at you.

 

The word chauvinism means the belief in the superiority of men over women. That's pretty harsh to men because it's a word used against men in ways to psychologically suppress or demolish his identity as a man. If a man wants to be the leading provider and protector, which makes him feel good as a man, that's his prerogative. IF he can't be because of his occupation then he needs to deal with it and not pout. If a woman wants to be the leading provider and protector that's her prerogative. Although statistically, work puts more strain on women mentally to the point they don't want to be intimate then it does men, which is tougher on the marriage than if it was the other way around. But statistics doesn't categorize everyone because everyone is different

[Els]

Well all I have to say to all of that this it's just throwing more fuel onto the fire. All the things you think I'm accusing you of doing, you're accusing me of. I'm just saying throwing these ideas in her mind is not help.

 

No, what you SAID was that I'm saying she should leave her husband and that she should hurl accusations at him. I would quote that if you want but I'm sure it's not necessary. In actual fact I agree with you in principle; that he is wrong and she should communicate with him. It's just your assumptions of what I'm saying (when I INSIST that it's not what I'm saying) without proof, that galls me.

 

If it's adding fuel to the fire, then everyone who supports an OP who thinks that his/her partner is in the wrong, is doing the same. What YOUR first post sounded like (yes this is an assumption, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I won't insist that I know better than you what you're saying ) is that she should make excuses for his behaviour, that she should try to accommodate and understand him when he has no obligation to do the same.

 

But you have the right to your opinion. When I posted my first comment, I was speaking to everyone that fiercely criticized his behavior.

Does that not involve me? I did not think that it was directed personally at me, but it was pretty damn obvious that I was ONE of the target group.

 

As for the fierce criticism, I have no doubt that if the OP was a man complaining about his wife doing all that, there would be far more and worse fierce criticisms coming from everyone, both men and women, about her behaviour. Don't you think that's rather unfair?

 

The word chauvinism means the belief in the superiority of men over women. That's pretty harsh to men because it's a word used against men in ways to psychologically suppress or demolish his identity as a man.

Indeed it is often misused. That does not mean that it's wrong to use it in the correct context.

 

If a man wants to be the leading provider and protector, which makes him feel good as a man, that's his prerogative.

Definitely! The chauvinism part was referring more to his refusal to take care of the baby and his resentment of her earning more than him. There's a difference between wanting to provide for your wife, and being passive-aggressive because your wife is earning more than you. The former man would be happy that his wife was getting a promotion even if it meant she would earn more than him, he would just strive to provide more. The latter man... acts like the OP's bf.

 

Although statistically, work puts more strain on women mentally to the point they don't want to be intimate then it does men, which is tougher on the marriage than if it was the other way around.

Where are the statistics? Proof, dude, cmon, proof. While I myself suspect that this is true I would never dare to say something like that when the statistics aren't shown.

 

Don't you think though that in the case of the OP, it's her HUSBAND that is putting all the strain on her (throwing a tantrum when she makes the baby lunch but not him, throwing a tantrum if she needs to work late, complaining about needing to take care of the baby) and not so much her job?

[Jax Star]

No, what you SAID was that I'm saying she should leave her husband and that she should hurl accusations at him. I would quote that if you want but I'm sure it's not necessary. In actual fact I agree with you in principle; that he is wrong and she should communicate with him. It's just your assumptions of what I'm saying (when I INSIST that it's not what I'm saying) without proof, that galls me.

 

If it's adding fuel to the fire, then everyone who supports an OP who thinks that his/her partner is in the wrong, is doing the same. What YOUR first post sounded like (yes this is an assumption, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I won't insist that I know better than you what you're saying ) is that she should make excuses for his behaviour, that she should try to accommodate and understand him when he has no obligation to do the same.

 

Does that not involve me? I did not think that it was directed personally at me, but it was pretty damn obvious that I was ONE of the target group.

 

As for the fierce criticism, I have no doubt that if the OP was a man complaining about his wife doing all that, there would be far more and worse fierce criticisms coming from everyone, both men and women, about her behaviour. Don't you think that's rather unfair?

 

Indeed it is often misused. That does not mean that it's wrong to use it in the correct context.

 

Definitely! The chauvinism part was referring more to his refusal to take care of the baby and his resentment of her earning more than him. There's a difference between wanting to provide for your wife, and being passive-aggressive because your wife is earning more than you. The former man would be happy that his wife was getting a promotion even if it meant she would earn more than him, he would just strive to provide more. The latter man... acts like the OP's bf.

 

Where are the statistics? Proof, dude, cmon, proof. While I myself suspect that this is true I would never dare to say something like that when the statistics aren't shown.

 

Don't you think though that in the case of the OP, it's her HUSBAND that is putting all the strain on her (throwing a tantrum when she makes the baby lunch but not him, throwing a tantrum if she needs to work late, complaining about needing to take care of the baby) and not so much her job?

 

Lady, you really like to argue don't you. I bet you're just skimming through my post aren't you? If not, you're trying to pick at me. Half of the things you are saying I'm doing to you, I told you I wasn't, whether it was in the 3rd or 4th post.

 

You are entitled to your opinion. There are times where women are going to have to make their men feel like men and the are times (surprisingly if you didn't know) that men have to make women feel like women. But hey, if you like your SO making you feel like one of the guys that's great. Whatever floats your boat.

 

Work is more stressful on women proof? Well I actually saw that on Oprah and even heard a segment of it on a radio show going to work. But if you need something to substantiate that, here's a link to keep you entertained:

 

http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20051115/women-more-sensitive-to-stress-than-men

[sally4sara]

Watch what you post!

 

You might give the OP IDEAS!

 

Seriously though, if his identity is so easily wounded, perhaps it is because it is built on illegitimate ideas. Shouldn't one build their identity on things that actually can stand the changes life brings? We cannot always be prepared for what might happen and I feel it's time we allowed men to alter their role and purpose to something more adaptable and useful.

If he cannot handle her making more or having a larger occupational responsibility simply because of her gender or his gender, how can he weather events that might come? What if he lost his job entirely and had to be a SAH father for a while? Would that be HER fault? Would he be less of a man?

 

He needs her help and perhaps the help of a therapist to learn to accept that he is needed in their unit and there are many ways he can be of use to their family. All roles are important regardless of the gender of the person filling it.

 

His attitude about roles is what is harming him, not his wife's success or her feelings about the dubious way he is reacting to her success . They are married. Her success is THEIR success. He is having trouble accepting that.

[Els]

Lady, you really like to argue don't you. I bet you're just skimming through my post aren't you? If not, you're trying to pick at me. Half of the things you are saying I'm doing to you, I told you I wasn't, whether it was in the 3rd or 4th post.

 

Oh, you're too kind, I'm not NEARLY as good at picking a fight as you. *blushes* So what are those 'half' of the things you said you're not doing to me? You need to be more specific than that. I could also say that 'you contradict yourself half the time', but without posting the quotes here that would be pointless wouldn't it?

 

You are entitled to your opinion. There are times where women are going to have to make their men feel like men and the are times (surprisingly if you didn't know) that men have to make women feel like women. But hey, if you like your SO making you feel like one of the guys that's great. Whatever floats your boat.

 

So... the OP should 'try to understand and compromise' and 'not think that he is chauvinistic/immature/etc' just so he feels more like a man? And I suppose her following my advice (communicate about the issues bothering her) would be 'emasculating' to him and would make him feel less like a man? Okaaay... Well, if my SO's ego was SO ****ING FRAGILE that me even saying I need him to fix his own meals, or talking him through his resentment of my earnings, would totally CRUSH his man-ego, I wouldn't think he was much of a man to begin with. I really hope the OP's husband isn't like that either. Or you, for that matter. *raises eyebrow*

 

Work is more stressful on women proof? Well I actually saw that on Oprah and even heard a segment of it on a radio show going to work. But if you need something to substantiate that, here's a link to keep you entertained:

 

http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20051115/women-more-sensitive-to-stress-than-men

 

THANK YOU for the link! Finally the first piece of proof I've seen you post after countless requests from me. Now maybe you can go find the 'I insinuated that she should leave her husband' proof, although I figure that would be mighty hard to procure.

[Els]

Watch what you post!

 

You might give the OP IDEAS!

 

Hell yeah that'd be horrible!!! The reason OPs post isn't to hear anyone else's opinion after all, instead of adding fuel to the fire we should just tell all of them that their SO is fine and to try and understand him/her.

 

Seriously though, if his identity is so easily wounded, perhaps it is because it is built on illegitimate ideas.

 

I totally agree with this. Sometimes I think it's society's fault more than the man's. Like how some women look down with derision on their husband or other men they know if the men happen to earn less than them (not in the OP's case of course). Or how little boys are brought up to think it's 'emasculating' to lose to girls. I play several competitive games in which men and women aren't segregated, and it's just sad to see how some of the men sulk and act like their ego has been severely bruised when they lose to me.