HopeFades Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Oh my God, this is so hard. I met a man online and January 2002 we started talking. We started out as friends, but we slowly fell in love with each other. He was the kindest, most caring man I had ever known. A strong Cristian, a man of morals and humble nature. He will do anything for someone in trouble. Over time, I came to love him deeply and respect him. We were very very close and a year after talking the first time, we married on New Year's Day 2003. Since then, he has been a great father to my sometimes difficult son. He has worked full time and also done extra jobs to earn money. We remained so close that our friends all envied us. My girlfriends often told me they wished their husbands were like mine. We held hands everywhere we went and sat beside each other at restaurants like we were still dating. Then, June 4, almost 2 months ago, I got a call from him. He was in Houston on a business trip and he was in jail. The charge was prostitution. I was devastated when I learned the charge. Surely there was a mistake!! Not my husband, he wouldn't do something like that! Well, at the urging of a girlfriend, I searched his computer histories, his e-mail, his facebook pages, etc. What I found over that next 12 hours shocked me and destroyed our marriage. He had 5 porn site memberships, often met and had paid for sex with whores off Craigslist, and had written hundreds of e-mails to slutty women getting their pictures and trying to get them to meet with him for "massages" that he promised them would fully satisfy them. When I next talked to him, I confronted him with the challenge to tell me the truth. He tried repeatedly to lie to me until I began reading to him the e-mails he had been sending to women all over the state and more. Now, almost 2 months later, he is in treatment for a 25 year addiction to sex and porn. He knew he had this problem when we met, yet he hid it so well, I never had a clue. His counselor says he wanted to marry me because these kinds of sex addicts want to stop and seek a very moral lifestyle separate from their addiction. He says he does love me. I find that painful to hear. My brand of love does not include lying and cheating and whoreing on a scale that staggers the mind. He admitted to me he has paid whores for sex once or twice a month since our marriage began. Add it up. That is at least 100 times. It doesn't even count the ones before I met him. His first marriage ended for the same behavior. Pity I never called the ex and asked her point blank why their marriage ended until this hit the fan. I am so so devastated. Aren't there any men in the world who can keep their pants zipped?! Who can come home to a loving wife every day and be happy? My dad says any man would be lucky to have me because I am a good woman with a big heart. I told him apparently not, because at almost 52, I have never found one. I am so tired of trying to. I still care about what happens to this man, but I wlll not be sleeping with him ever again! The trust is gone. His ability to lie to me was absolutely scary in it's perfection. He cries whenever he thinks I will actualy divorce him. I put him out of the bedroom and he sleeps on a tiny twin bed in the other room now. What a mess. His counselor says 70% of men are caught up in porn addiction to some degree. It starts with looking at pictures and then over time becomes more and more perverted until it takes over the guys mind and behavior. What does a decent woman have to do to find a man who is not a pervert, loser, alcoholic, or drug addict? Aren't there any guys out there that know what a real man is and won't let himself slide into the pit of depravity for the sake of an orgasm with anything he can look at or be with? A real man doesn't destroy his trusting wife's heart and soul this way. I don't know where to turn now. My best friend has betrayed me. I am facing being single again. Why do people have to make life so much harder than it has to be?
SueBee3490 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Hope, I am so sorry for your pain - WOW I don't even know what to say. I know my situation was bad and I felt like it couldn't be any worse but mine pales to what your H has done. I'm glad he is in counseling, he needs it. Maybe you should seek IC too. The stress and devastation you've been hit with must be overwhelming. I'm so sad as I read this because you are similar to me. I am 50 and basically ended my 2nd marriage because of cheating. My 2nd H seemed like the perfect guy to me. He was so considerate and thoughtful. He helped in fixing up my home - I needed a new floor in bathroom - he did the labor, so-to-speak plus some other work. He was more quiet and respectful and I thought I had hit the jackpot. Like you, I felt like I was hit with a 2-by-4 and devastated. I was told I would be a great catch. I did everything for him because I loved him so much. And as I've sat and thought about being single again, I'm not getting any younger! With the world so focused on youth and beauty - the older you get - the more useless you feel. I'm not bad looking - in good shape - but let's face it we are in our 50's and there's no way you can compete with some 21-yr-old. That in itself is depressing. I feel for you Hope and you can vent anytime you want on here. I think you've said that your marriage is over - he has caused too much damage. You sound like a good woman - but your discovery is still so new. The pain lessens with time but you never forget it. Hang in there
Bejita463 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 but let's face it we are in our 50's and there's no way you can compete with some 21-yr-old. That in itself is depressing. The 50 year old guy cannot compete with the others trying to get those 21 year olds either. Even if they could, that is unlikely to be the kind of guy either of you would even want.
SueBee3490 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 You are right Bejita - I wouldn't want some "dirty old man" that is my age wanting some 20-something yr old. Both of my daughters are in their mid-20's and I can't even imagine what I would have in common with a guy in that age-range - but then again if I did meet someone, I would be looking for a relationship and not a ONS. Hope is still reeling from the discovery I am sure. She sounds like she has at least a supportive father so maybe he/they can help her through this. It's amazing how much cheating/infidelity turns your world completely upside-down. Nothing good comes of it.
2sure Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 You know...this sounds less like classic infidelity than it does an addiction. I am not one who ever has felt an affair or cheating can be called an addiction, its a choice. I have never bought that excuse. But honestly, this may have swayed me.
Author HopeFades Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks for the kind words everyone. I sometimes feel sorry for him because he is sort of pathetic. All his lying and cheating has cost him my love, his family's respect, and my family's respect. Sometimes I am so angry with him I want him to suffer whatever harsh consequences he has earned. Sometimes I am so hurt I feel like my chest will burst. Divorce terrifies me. I don't make enough money to be able to make it at my age for the long haul alone. If I divorce him, I lose my home and a lot more and face struggling to put any kind of roof over my head. Why should I have to go through that because he is a cheater? I have no illusions about what the single world is like either.
AAlike Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks for the kind words everyone. I sometimes feel sorry for him because he is sort of pathetic. All his lying and cheating has cost him my love, his family's respect, and my family's respect. Sometimes I am so angry with him I want him to suffer whatever harsh consequences he has earned. Sometimes I am so hurt I feel like my chest will burst. Divorce terrifies me. I don't make enough money to be able to make it at my age for the long haul alone. If I divorce him, I lose my home and a lot more and face struggling to put any kind of roof over my head. Why should I have to go through that because he is a cheater? I have no illusions about what the single world is like either. As someone that has a family tree full of addiction, you have to understand that it is NOT your husband that has done this to you. It is another person entirely. I know that is very difficult to do, especially given that it's a sex addiction and hence seems to be much more of a personal slap in the face versus a drug or gambling addiction, but it's the same premise. Trust me, as a person that expects a lot out of people and is reluctant to give second chances, I have struggled with this for years, seeing family members (including my father) that seemed so loving and committed to their families and turning their lives around repeatedly, inexplicably throwing it all away and undoing all of their progress and for what? As 2sure has stated, this is not just an instance of "some guy having an affair." not that I'm saying that the magnitude is any less, nor that you should forgive him or try and work things out. but what I am saying is that you should try your best to realize that this is NOT a reflection on you, and it has nothing to do with your looks, behavior or anything else. It is the sole product of your husband having a disease, a disease that predated your involvement in his life.
Author HopeFades Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 You are right AAlike. I know this is an addiction. My brother has been addicted to meth and other drugs for most of his adult life. I have had a front row seat to seeing how this has driven him to destroy his life and all his relationships. He has been on and off drugs like a seesaw. Right now, I think of my husband as being in rehab with the counseling, etc. I think he is sincere about wanting to stop the behavior now. It is the ability to do it once and for all that I have grave doubts about. Sex is all over our culture. Every movie, every advertisement, every magazine. Expecting a sex addict to become permanently faithful to one woman after over 400 whores in the past 25 years and a daily diet of porn is a bit much. Add to that the fact temptation is all around him and will always be, it makes it difficult to even believe its possible not matter how sincere he is currently. Even if you take the addiction out of it. There is a serious character flaw as I see it in that he knew he had this problem when we met. I feel that he made an despicable choice to court me knowing all along how I feel about infidelity. I feel as if a lion in sheep's clothing preyed upon my trust. I called him a predator when I first confronted him. I asked him why he didn't just marry some player who wanted an open marriage. How incredibly selfish to spend his time winning my heart knowing he might not be able to protect it from his addiction! I told him from the beginning there were certain things I absolutely would not ever tolerate because they destroy marriages. I don't do them and I require a spouse that doesn't either. Top of the list was cheating, second was alcoholism or some other addiction, third was losing control of one's temper and resorting to violence, etc. It certainly is more personal to me when it is a sexual addiction versus some other addiction. I have been to see my doctors to be tested. So far, all tests are negative, but I will have to be retested for HIV every 6 months until 18 months have passed to be certain I am negative. I work in healthcare. I have patients with HIV and Hepatitis. I have one patient younger than I am who is going through chemo and radiation to try to save his life from cancer of the tonsils. Why?, because oral sex gave him HPV and it invaded his tonsils. They became cancerous just like a woman's cervix can. If you spouse is cheating, he/she can not only destory your marriage and trust, they can take your life. I don't think the excuse of "I couldn't help myself" will cover that.
Hkizzle Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I'm sorry to hear your story. But I'll give you a different view on things. I live in Asia at the moment and the cheating is pretty extreme over here. Many men that do cheat don't have affairs but pay for sex. In their minds it's not cheating because there are no emotions with the other woman. It's just purly physical. Many women put up with this behavior as well because as long as the man respects her in every other aspect of life she will pretend she doesn't know about it, or maybe talk herself into thinking it's not really happening. It's just a set up that happens in various countries from Japan to China. I don't think men get corrupted by looking at images, I think it's the other way around. Men are biologically driven to look for sexual variety, and society teaches us that's wrong, then as they get older and opportunities aries some men remove the morality society teaches us. The book Lust in translation talks about this. Americans have the hardest time dealing with infidelity, because many do it anyway yet see it as highly wrong. I think you should read that book. Back to decent men, I'm sorry this guy on the surface was so different from underneath. That's what made the hurt greater I bet, the lies and cover up. But the conflict between biological urge and what we know is right affects many men. As a man I myself know what's right and yet what I am itching to do. Humans are naturally flawed creatures, that's why every religion has some sort of theory behind it. Christianity talks about sin. I'm sure he loves you and that's why he couldn't share the addiction. You say he should have left you be, but people that have problems don't advertise their problems, they try to hide them to get acceptance. If your man had an addiction then that's different from if he didn't love you and went out and had an affair. What if he just looked at porn privately and never paid for sex again?
Javelin Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Why do people have to make life so much harder than it has to be? Because they're idiots, plain n' simple.
Recommended Posts