Isolde Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I don't know why... I just can't see myself ever being in a R anymore. I just feel like there's no reason why I should be dating any one particular person over any other. I feel like my life is completely random and the people I meet are also completely random and have nothing in common with me--the people I do have things in common with tend to also have certain issues that I don't have, or it's the wrong timing. Or maybe I'm just too weird and quirky to be really compatible with anyone . I feel like it's just so easy to give up on a bond between two people that have something to offer one another, that there are so many reasons why acquaintances can fail to blossom into more. Conversely, it's borderline impossible to find a mutual desire to bond. Yes, I know everyone has this problem, not just me. But... this seems to be something I really have no control over. I haven't been on a date in more months than I can count. In fact, I don't ever think I've been on a GREAT date, ever. Just strange ones where I felt some potential that didn't turn into anything. I feel like the developments (or lack thereof) of my dating life have forced me into this mindset that I am holding out for something. But in reality I am fairly openminded and fairly confident in myself. I am not pathetic. Just freaking scared. I've recently begun accepting the fact I may never find an R. Oddly enough, this calms me somewhat, I guess especially since I know it's not likely, just possible. I think more than anything I am terrified of not getting to know what's "out there", what makes sense for me in terms of an R, and I am not talking about a serious serious R here folks. All told, I feel like I am at a crossroads--but I have felt that way since college and nothing has really changed, even though I have. I'm probably going to stop posting for a while, mainly because life is busy, but wanted to get one last rant in.
stepka Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Isolde, I remember reaching that same point a long time ago. The very next man I dated became my husband of 23 years.
sammyhalliwel Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 It is always in random while you haven't meet the right one just play around maybe the wrong one will the be the right one who came out in random.
BobSacamento Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 In other words. "I'm one cat adoption away from spinster city." More power to you. However, my only suggestion would be to be more opportunistic.
Els Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 people I meet are also completely random and have nothing in common with me--the people I do have things in common with tend to also have certain issues that I don't have, or it's the wrong timing. Or maybe I'm just too weird and quirky to be really compatible with anyone . In my 23 years of life I could REALLY relate to maybe 5 guys in the past. The first 3 out of that 5, quote you: 'have certain issues that I don't have, or it's the wrong timing/circumstances'. So I had actually never been on a date til I was 19. I'd been offered by guys whom I didn't relate to, which I turned down because I already knew it wouldn't work out - ie it wouldn't be a great date. So at that point of time, I was thinking like you did. I actually still don't know how I have managed to get together with 3 other men (2 in the past, 1 currently), because I totally agree with this: there are so many reasons why acquaintances can fail to blossom into more. Conversely, it's borderline impossible to find a mutual desire to bond. Sheer luck, I suppose. Then again, sheer misfortune as well, because I weathered circumstances that most people would not have to be with them. All 3 eventually turned into LDRs, all 3 I already KNEW would turn into LDRs when I went into them, but I went into them all the same. I can't give you any 100% guarantees that you will find someone whom you feel all that and more for, who will reciprocate equally, and who will be there at the right time and in the right circumstance. All I can say is, I know how it feels.
Author Isolde Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 BobSacamento, what do you mean by "opportunistic?" Trust me, I am not turning down opportunities. Elswyth; thanks for your thoughts. We're actually exactly the same age! I know; there aren't guarantees. I don't know how much I would weather either because I haven't really been tested yet.
alphamale Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 i'll go out with you Isolde, are you near chicago?
BobSacamento Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 BobSacamento, what do you mean by "opportunistic?" Trust me, I am not turning down opportunities. Here's an example - if you don't have an initial attraction to someone but they have lets say a Sailboat and you've never been sailing before. Date him because you can get the experience sailing. I'm looking at it more of having fun and less of interviewing for a husband/wife.
saira Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 never say never. dont give up. dont take a break. he could be here today tomorrow, next year?? donno but can u afford to risk am in a similar situation.. have only had 2 guys on dates in the last 3 years and if I was giving up I would have by now i take days as they come; never let it get to me and as am not actively looking i know we'll soon find each other may be all about timing
Author Isolde Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 I decided that I just don't care anymore. My boundaries are more important than dating someone just to be dating someone. I've felt desperation before and that's not a place I want to be again. If this means I have to be single forever, so be it. I refuse to date someone just to be comfortable.
Author Isolde Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Another good woman bites the dust. Really? I don't see it that way. It's not like I'm on some "one date per man per lifetime" trip. I will give people a chance if at all possible...
Els Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I decided that I just don't care anymore. My boundaries are more important than dating someone just to be dating someone. I've felt desperation before and that's not a place I want to be again. If this means I have to be single forever, so be it. I refuse to date someone just to be comfortable. I totally support your stand. There's no point dating someone just to be dating someone, anyway. It's unfair to both you and the other party. Unfair to the other party because you're shortchanging them; nobody likes to be in a relationship in which their partner loves the relationship but not them. And unfair to you because frankly it'd end up in misery, even if you feel better at the beginning. You may realize you cannot live a lie anymore and bail after a lot of pain and heartache. Or worse yet, you may marry, start a family... and after 20 years, that rare person whom you really DO want to date and who also wants to date you may pop into your life, and you can't do a damned thing because you've 3 kids and 20 years of marriage holding you back.
Author Isolde Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 I totally support your stand. There's no point dating someone just to be dating someone, anyway. It's unfair to both you and the other party. Unfair to the other party because you're shortchanging them; nobody likes to be in a relationship in which their partner loves the relationship but not them. And unfair to you because frankly it'd end up in misery, even if you feel better at the beginning. You may realize you cannot live a lie anymore and bail after a lot of pain and heartache. Or worse yet, you may marry, start a family... and after 20 years, that rare person whom you really DO want to date and who also wants to date you may pop into your life, and you can't do a damned thing because you've 3 kids and 20 years of marriage holding you back. Exactly. Maybe I am being selfish and self-entitled by taking this stand, but I just don't see any other way for me.
Els Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 No, definitely not selfish. Selfish would be to just grab any guy whom you thought would be fun to hang out with and string him along while waiting for your ideal relationship, just so you could have a bf in the meantime.
BobSacamento Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I totally support your stand. There's no point dating someone just to be dating someone, anyway. It's unfair to both you and the other party. Unfair to the other party because you're shortchanging them; nobody likes to be in a relationship in which their partner loves the relationship but not them. And unfair to you because frankly it'd end up in misery, even if you feel better at the beginning. You may realize you cannot live a lie anymore and bail after a lot of pain and heartache. Or worse yet, you may marry, start a family... and after 20 years, that rare person whom you really DO want to date and who also wants to date you may pop into your life, and you can't do a damned thing because you've 3 kids and 20 years of marriage holding you back. Yes but what if she passes on a guy because he didn't fit her standards. Live in the present not in the future. Unless he's a total creeper ok, I can totally understand that. I honestly don't think your weak enough to get seduced by some dude and marry him if your not madly in love with him or you would settle at all. It's like your looking at even going out on a 1st and 2nd date as settling.
BobSacamento Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Wait I think I'm a bit confused. Nevermind. Your more focused on not settling for a relationship. I totally back you on that.
Els Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I'm not talking about 'standards' here. I'm talking about guys whom she doesn't relate to or doesn't feel attracted to. Big difference. Yeah 1 or 2 dates are fine, especially if it's nothing exclusive and just for fun. But I think Isolde is talking about real relationships here.
BobSacamento Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I'm not talking about 'standards' here. I'm talking about guys whom she doesn't relate to or doesn't feel attracted to. Big difference. Yeah 1 or 2 dates are fine, especially if it's nothing exclusive and just for fun. But I think Isolde is talking about real relationships here. Yeah I was a bit confused. My bad. I thought she was taking herself out of the dating pool all together.
You'reasian Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I don't know why... I just can't see myself ever being in a R anymore. I just feel like there's no reason why I should be dating any one particular person over any other. I feel like my life is completely random and the people I meet are also completely random and have nothing in common with me--the people I do have things in common with tend to also have certain issues that I don't have, or it's the wrong timing. Or maybe I'm just too weird and quirky to be really compatible with anyone . Conversely, it's borderline impossible to find a mutual desire to bond. Yes, I know everyone has this problem, not just me. But... this seems to be something I really have no control over. I haven't been on a date in more months than I can count. In fact, I don't ever think I've been on a GREAT date, ever. Just strange ones where I felt some potential that didn't turn into anything. I feel like the developments (or lack thereof) of my dating life have forced me into this mindset that I am holding out for something. But in reality I am fairly openminded and fairly confident in myself. I am not pathetic. Just freaking scared. I've recently begun accepting the fact I may never find an R. Oddly enough, this calms me somewhat, I guess especially since I know it's not likely, just possible. I think more than anything I am terrified of not getting to know what's "out there", what makes sense for me in terms of an R, and I am not talking about a serious serious R here folks. All told, I feel like I am at a crossroads--but I have felt that way since college and nothing has really changed, even though I have. I'm probably going to stop posting for a while, mainly because life is busy, but wanted to get one last rant in. Great relationships are hard to come by but when you have one, you know. Just have fun, date if you can and meet people. Don't focus on finding a relationship, focus on finding and perfecting you. Do you count ONS as dates? lol
Author Isolde Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Great relationships are hard to come by but when you have one, you know. Just have fun, date if you can and meet people. Don't focus on finding a relationship, focus on finding and perfecting you. Do you count ONS as dates? lol I don't do ONS, you're asian and lizzie, but thanks for chiming in. Yes, there's nothing wrong with being single. And many things right, or at least, right enough
Author Isolde Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Yeah I was a bit confused. My bad. I thought she was taking herself out of the dating pool all together. It is tempting to say I will never go on a date again but I'm far too logical and rational to take an extreme, all or nothing approach to this.
pandagirl Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Isolde, you are a young, intelligent, sensitive, introspective lady. I don't know you very well, but I feel like you remind me of myself sometimes (seven years ago!). You just want something meaningful, and not something that's empty. I just got out of a situation that I *wanted* to be meaningful, even though deep down inside, I knew it had no potential to be. But, if you don't care, what's the point in dating? Some people can casually date with no problem, but it feels empty and sad to me. It's very rare that we meet someone who we can love and loves us back. I've yet to find it. You just haven't found a guy who is awesome as you are!
Sam Spade Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You just haven't found a guy who is awesome as you are! She has, but we are not meant to be :mad:. On a more general note, there is an inverse relationship between degree of introspectiveness and the ability to imagine yourself with someone else. I'm just sayin', for the record. It will eventually happen, but probably won't be anything like what you fantasized . Things are progressively worse if above average intelligence is involved. I performed a thought experiment, and for all my years in academia I can picture you next to no more than 2 guys (myself not included ). Even the smart ones (not a majority) often lack some degree of refinement - intellectual and otherwise - that you seem to exude and require; but if it really matters to you, you should probably move overseas . I like to **** on american women, but unfortunately, american men are not much better . Alternatively, you may adjust your expectations. After all, dating is a very small slice of life, and most needs can, and perhaps shoud, be met outside of a relationship. Easier said than done, but works okay for me.
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