aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Just thinking back to a situation with my Ex. I know will I ever stop thinking about things and analyzing. :)I just feel guilty and I keep wondering if I had the right to be upset about things. I am particuarly curious whether or not he was giving me BS most of the time about this stuff or was it the truth. Was he seriously just that irresponsible? He always had this problem with losing his phone. He claimed to have lost 3 phones in a approximately a years time. For about a month, he lost his phone, and didn't bother to get a new one. Come to find out after a month, it was buried in his couch the entire time. Yeah, an accident but dumb if you ask me. Unfortunately, it put a damper on our communication. He was living at home, so we both felt uncomfortable talking on house phone, mostly because we always had long hour or so discussions. There were times where I would call him and not hear from him for along period of time. He always said he couldn't find his phone or that he accidentally left it when he went out to the store or whatever. I tried to not expect too much from him, but this is ridiculous! The last time, I was planning on going up to his place, which is an hour away there was yet another issue. He went to a friends place and told me he would call afterwards(well within a certain amount of time that is), before I hit the road, so I would know exactly when to leave. Ok, so I never heard from him, but decided to go ahead and start anyways. I had already driven like an hour and he never called. I tried calling like 4 times and even his house phone, and i got nothing. He finally calls me and yet AGAIN says he lost his phone at friends house, and they were looking for it. He told me he had to go home to call me. DUH, use your friends phone. Of course I got aggravated at him, and he was like " I can't help I lost my phone". I think it sounds like crap. Who loses their phone that much or is he that stupid? Ok, so I'm curious if any of you have a partner who does stuff like this frequently or what? Does it sound like BS or what? I didn't think much of it at the time, but now thinking back it sounds rather fishy.
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 It's ok you will go through playing things out in your head about your past as long as you need to, it's natural to think and analyze even when things are done. It's all part of the letting go process. In regards to your question, my ex was extremely disorganized he was chronically misplacing things, it was bad however he was an extremely creative individual, very ambitious and total mover and a shaker. At times though I was convinced he had ADD or he was part genius he was no concerned with details and minutia always the bigger picture but in the process things would fall through the cracks. Things that he felt were unimportant until they would come back to bite him in the ass. It is quite possible that some people do misplace things but the idea that you could not talk on the house phone because you had long conversations is really weird to me. Can you please explain that!?!? It sounds like he played on the idea that he was proned to lose things to use as an excuse for not having to communicate with you. Sorry I don't buy it. If he really wanted to talk to you who cares if he lost his cell phone he would make an effort to call you from a regular phone.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Well he would call me like really late at night on house phone, if so. He was living with relatives, so I guess he just didn't like the fact that they could pick up the phone or something. Yeah, if someone really wants to talk they would call. I questioned him about this, and he got upset and asked me why I didn't call his house phone that much. i probably should have. I guess we both had an issue with this. I did get the feeling he didn't want to talk as much. also, i feel since he lost his cell, and this is his house phone, he should have called me more so. he had more of a busy schedule, so i never knew when he would be home anyways. come to think of it, this is when more arguments started. i started feeling insecure about his feelings for me. it may have been nothing, but i feel like if had his cell things would have been better lol It's ok you will go through playing things out in your head about your past as long as you need to, it's natural to think and analyze even when things are done. It's all part of the letting go process. In regards to your question, my ex was extremely disorganized he was chronically misplacing things, it was bad however he was an extremely creative individual, very ambitious and total mover and a shaker. At times though I was convinced he had ADD or he was part genius he was no concerned with details and minutia always the bigger picture but in the process things would fall through the cracks. Things that he felt were unimportant until they would come back to bite him in the ass. It is quite possible that some people do misplace things but the idea that you could not talk on the house phone because you had long conversations is really weird to me. Can you please explain that!?!? It sounds like he played on the idea that he was proned to lose things to use as an excuse for not having to communicate with you. Sorry I don't buy it. If he really wanted to talk to you who cares if he lost his cell phone he would make an effort to call you from a regular phone.
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Alone it was not "nothing" it was definitely something. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I insist he lost his cellphone, he had a busy schedule, he was not around much therefore he should have made efforts to call you on a land line. That said, you should have just called him on the landline as well. It's stupid that you can't have a conversation for fear someone would pick up, so what? so you tell them "I'm on the phone" and you continue on. Sounds like load of BS excuses. Good riddance to that dude, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but chin up and think that when you do meet a guy who wants to put enough effort into you as you do him you won't have any doubts or insecurities unless of course you are a little nutty which I am sure you are not.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Alone it was not "nothing" it was definitely something. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I insist he lost his cellphone, he had a busy schedule, he was not around much therefore he should have made efforts to call you on a land line. That said, you should have just called him on the landline as well. It's stupid that you can't have a conversation for fear someone would pick up, so what? so you tell them "I'm on the phone" and you continue on. Sounds like load of BS excuses. Good riddance to that dude, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but chin up and think that when you do meet a guy who wants to put enough effort into you as you do him you won't have any doubts or insecurities unless of course you are a little nutty which I am sure you are not. Well, things had been going fairly well before this. I guess I'm analyzing everything, and trying to pinpoint, where things started to really go wrong. I do know I could have made more of an effort on my part to call his house phone, but it does seem like he was being irresponsible. I started having doubts and more fights started. I'm starting to feel like I'm a little nutty, but then most of the guys I've dated they have turned into big jerks. I know I over analyze things but, just like this situation with the phones, I don't think it was wrong of me to start having doubts. He goes from calling me all the time to one brief phone call late at night, if even that. Maybe I need to trust people better, I don't know:(
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Just so you know where I am coming from, I believe no matter how a relationship ends or why there is always something to learn from it about ourselves and improve on. No one is 100% perfect and I am a firm believer we all have room for improvement when it comes to how we do things in relationships. Being able to recognize that you have some trust is issues is a very important revelation on your part, and you should do everything you can to improve on this aspect of yourself because you will carry that into your next relationships if you do not find ways to work on this. On the same token it does seem weird that if everything was going fine and he suddenly loses his phone and stops calling you that he would expect you to make more effort, what more could you have possibly done? Call a private detective to keep tabs on him so that you could figure out where he was during the day to know when he would be home so that you could call him? It was his responsibility that if he lost his phone to at least communicate to you when he would be available, not saying pass you a schedule but at least let you know roughly when he could be around for a call if he was not calling you. It seems fishy to me he just got cut off like that from one day to the next. Could he have met someone else or just realized this relationship was just not for him and wanted a way out? people do have a change of heart that's the risk of being in love it could end at any point and sometimes sooner than we are willing for it to end, no matter what we do.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 How long ago did you two break up? It's OK to pick apart details for a little while, but not too long. Otherwise you'll never heal and let go ..
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I forgot to add that, that we did talk during the day some through texting, but still I think it caused more fights, because I felt more distant from him. I couldn't hear his voice, some things start to be misinterpreted because you can't hear their tone or nothing. so yeah, we would chat and no phone calls. then i brought the issue up to him, that it bothered me we weren't talking on the phone as much. he always had an excuse. i remember the day i brought it up, he said he would call on his lunch..and he did for like 2 days then that was out. For the poster who asked how long we have been broken up. Well, its been like 2 weeks since I found out it was over. Yeah, he never told me it was, I had to figure it out. nice huh
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I take it that's before he lost the phone!?!? Texting is so useless unless you are using it to send a distracting hot message, or to make jokes with friends. To use texting as a form of daily communication it is the worst possible form or communication you could use, it is the kiss of death.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I take it that's before he lost the phone!?!? Texting is so useless unless you are using it to send a distracting hot message, or to make jokes with friends. To use texting as a form of daily communication it is the worst possible form or communication you could use, it is the kiss of death. Not just like phone text, but like AOL messenger. We did this some before he lost phone, but i felt like this was all we were doing after we didn't talk on the phone as much. i guess he thought it was fine because we had just texted/chatted before he lost phone, however it became ridiculous and like the only means of communication the last few months. he finally did get his phone but i think by then things had already gone down hill
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Something else which was burdened by not having his cell. I felt like I couldn't ask him to come up to see me because he didn't have a cell. Like who can drive for over an hour with no phone. His car was not that great either. Or say like meeting half way. How can you do this easily with no cell phone. Its like it was always up to me to go see him. I felt like he wasn't trying hard enough, and he needed to grow up and get a freaking phone.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 My BF loses his cell phone all the time. He's really scatterbrained about it. He has to snowmobile in and out to his house (7 miles) in the winter time and one time he lost it on the trail. LOL It wasn't found until after the snow had melted. It had animal claw and tooth marks all over it and looked like it had been run over by a snowmobile. He got a replacement for that phone out of the recycle bin at the cell store. Needless to say, the thing doesn't work very well. Every time he closes it, it turns off. So it's only useful when HE wants to use it by opening it to call out. But pretty much, it's pointless trying to reach him on his cell even when he's in cell service. So, YES, it is *possible* for someone to just not give a crap about their phone such that they misplace it constantly. HOWEVER... And this is huge in your case. The story about losing his phone at his friend's house and that they'd been looking for it for that entire hour that you'd been driving - that reeks of BS to me. ALWAYS trust your gut. I could see my XH using that kind of BS on me and it always smelled bad. Do NOT second guess your gut feelings. I wish I had listened to mine more often. Not to mention...and I might be a hard-ass about this, but if you make a commitment to do something and it doesn't work out quite to plan (oops, lost my phone), then you'd better find a way to keep your commitment (hey, can I use YOUR phone?). I was supposed to call my BF when I was leaving work, but my phone had died. I didn't have the slightest clue where the charger was - it was buried in my car somewhere (moving stuff - my car is packed with stuff). It was a pain to have to pull over and look for it. But I told him I would call, that was my commitment, so I pulled over and looked for the charger. It's called simple decency. It shouldn't become the other person's problem when you can't keep your word. I think that's downright disrespectful and my XH used to do that **** all the time.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I am still analyzing everything like some crazy person. Yeah, the more I think about it, I think it was total BS; the deal about him losing cell at friends house. I bet he didn't even want me to come to see him. Of course, when he finally called back, I didn't tell him I was on my way. I asked "what do you want me to do", and his reply was "I want you to come here". That is why I believed he wanted to see me, but maybe he just said that and was hoping I would say its too late. grrrrrrrrrrrr when will I stop thinking about this crap. I guess I'm trying to make myself feel better, like a bunch of this crap wasn't my fault, cause I've been feeling guilty. Yet, another incident pops into mind. The day before my birthday, I tried to call him at like 10pm at night, this was on a Saturday night. He did not pick up. I called him the next morning, on Sunday around 10am. This was on my birthday. He yet again did not answer. About 5 min later or so he called me. I was wondering how he didn't see I called the night before, and why am I having to make this second call the morning of my Birthday. He told me he didn't notice i called period, until he got out of shower that morning. When I answered his call, I was not in a happy mood, and unfortunately couldn't hide it. my voice indicated this. However, he did not wish me happy birthday or nothing. this only further made me upset. You would think if a person called you on your birthday, the first thing they MIGHT say would be Happy Birthday. Let me get this straight...I had to call him on my BD. He told me he didn't get my call the night before, because he went to a friends house. I wonder if he was hiding something. I'm surprised he didn't tell me he LOST his flipping PHONE again. GOD I'm going NUTS. Shoot me:sick:
CarrieT Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 My Ex went through four phones in one year and my Bro-In-Law went through six. Some people are just terribly absent-minded or (in the case of my Ex), an alcoholic who couldn't keep track of diddly....
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 A&D - if you don't mind me asking, how long were you two dating, how long ago did you break up, and how old are the two of you? I ask because I'm obsessing about my failed marriage and thinking I'M crazy...but I think mine failed longer ago than yours. Just trying to gauge how nuts I must be. LOL I keep thinking back on things I did, things he did, things he has said to me since the failure, things he has said to me since getting engaged to a new girl, etc. He was my first true love and it's like having an appendage removed. A gangrenous, infected, stinky appendage...but an appendage, nonetheless. I'd like to figure out what went wrong, where I might have failed, if it's possible to feel what I felt again (the good stuff) so I don't repeat my past mistakes. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, right?
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 A&D - if you don't mind me asking, how long were you two dating, how long ago did you break up, and how old are the two of you? I ask because I'm obsessing about my failed marriage and thinking I'M crazy...but I think mine failed longer ago than yours. Just trying to gauge how nuts I must be. LOL I keep thinking back on things I did, things he did, things he has said to me since the failure, things he has said to me since getting engaged to a new girl, etc. He was my first true love and it's like having an appendage removed. A gangrenous, infected, stinky appendage...but an appendage, nonetheless. I'd like to figure out what went wrong, where I might have failed, if it's possible to feel what I felt again (the good stuff) so I don't repeat my past mistakes. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, right? Well, considering you were married, you may laugh, because this only went on for 8 months.I guess it doesn't really matter how long we dated, it depends on the people and how the relationship was. We seemed to have the most awesome connection. He seemed different from others I had met or at least for a while. It has been 2 weeks since breaking up, and I'm 28 and he is 25. What has got me in such a mess, is there was no communication towards the end. He cowardly slips away from relationship, didn't tell me its over. I'm left with thoughts like what if he really didn't care. was most of it my fault..ect
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Well, hopefully time can give us both the answers we are seeking. Just don't be too hard on yourself, okay?
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 this only went on for 8 months. I would have been devastated had he disappeared on me around the 8-month mark. At least we got to the point where the initial magic was wearing off and I had urges to smother him in his sleep with a pillow. Ah...alas...nobody's pain is any greater than another's. Pain is pain.
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