mammax3 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Chatted via text with a guy for a few days, had one proper date (and one 20 min pre-date meeting) and I don't want to see him again. Can I tell him through text that this wouldn't work out for us (or if you've got another variation of words I can use that would be better, please share), or should I call him, or email or what? Thanks all.
littlewhiterose Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Well, for me, I always try to treat people how I'd want to be treated. So with that in mind, if the tables were turned, how would want to be told?
New Again Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Honestly, I think the important thing is that you're telling him; not so much the medium with which you choose to relay the message. That said, since you've mostly texted and only met him twice ever, if you're more comfortable texting him, then text him. If you'd rather call him, so that there's absolutely no room for misinterpretation (since hopefully he can interpret tone of voice for example, and you can chat for 2 mins instead of texting for 20 if he has questions for some reason), then call him. I struggle with wording myself, so not sure what I would suggest. You don't want to come across as a jerk, but you also don't want to get stuck with a guy who's trying to talk you into giving him another shot either.
Confusedalways Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'd shoot an email with something like hey ____, had fun on our date but unfortunately not quite the chemistry i'm looking for in a romantic partner. I wish you luck in finding someone more suitable for you!
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'd shoot an email with something like hey ____, had fun on our date but unfortunately not quite the chemistry i'm looking for in a romantic partner. I wish you luck in finding someone more suitable for you! This is a GUY she has to tell this to. She doesnt have to be gentle, and this statement is too vague, she has to make sure he knows that he doesnt have a chance, and wont try to fight for another date. This is what you text him. "After our date I realized that Im really not interested in you at all. Thanks for the (dinner)." Thats it, dont be nice. Hes a guy, he will be fine with that. If youre too nice, he might get the wrong impression and keep bugging you. Dont worry about if he will think badly of you, youre not going to see him again.
BobSacamento Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Either don't contact him or just say your busy. Eventually he'll be like "Damn I don't want a girl that's busy all the time, screw her."
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 This is a GUY she has to tell this to. She doesnt have to be gentle, and this statement is too vague, she has to make sure he knows that he doesnt have a chance, and wont try to fight for another date. This is what you text him. "After our date I realized that Im really not interested in you at all. Thanks for the (dinner)." Thats it, dont be nice. Hes a guy, he will be fine with that. If youre too nice, he might get the wrong impression and keep bugging you. Dont worry about if he will think badly of you, youre not going to see him again. lol, wow - are you suggesting that men do not know how to take a hint? Or rather, much more than a "hint?" I know they are competitive and these things may be incentive to try harder - but sheesh. I cant see why a "I had fun but the chemistry just isn't there for me, so thanks but no thanks" wouldnt work.
Talby Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Tell him, in an unambiguous way, that you hate his guts and hope he dies in a fire. This is how it'll feel for him regardless of what you say, so why not, eh?
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 lol, wow - are you suggesting that men do not know how to take a hint? Or rather, much more than a "hint?" I know they are competitive and these things may be incentive to try harder - but sheesh. I cant see why a "I had fun but the chemistry just isn't there for me, so thanks but no thanks" wouldnt work. NO! many men who dont know that the date didnt go well- do not know how to take a hint. From what Ive been hearing about the mentality of some of the single men that women around here have been running into, they cannot take a hint. Problem is, you women always speak in hints, and most men dont speak "hint". But you make yourselves feel too guilty to speak the absolute truth, which is what guys actually speak. These guys only see what they want to see at this point, and saying anything positive like "i had fun..." would tell him that he did everything right but missed something, and thats where they try again. Thats why you have to be brutal. Shes not going to see him again, it doesnt matter if he doesnt think highly of her afterwards. Mammax, dont feel guilty about it, just tell him straight up, with no positive phrases for him to latch onto, he will appreciate you for it. be straight up about it. No need to apologize either. "After our date I realized that Im really not interested in you at all. Thanks for the (dinner)."
Confusedalways Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yikes, I've used that message I wrote a few times and no man was ever confused or thought I was still interested. I see what you're saying BB, but I would never be able to tell someone that I was 'really not interested in them at all.' Just isn't something I would ever say. Interesting idea in theory but not one I would ever be able to put into practice.
v g Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Boogieboy, 'After our date I realized that Im really not interested in you at all. Thanks for the (dinner)' is mean and rude. She most certainly can be nice and explicit in saying 'no thanks.' BobSacamento, 'Either don't contact him or just say your busy' is mean and rude too. As the saying goes, manners are free and go a long way. The following is from the thread 'What's the best way to turn down a guy?' http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193920/: If I go out with someone and I am not interested in him, I don't contact him to say that. If he doesn't ask me out again, there is no need to let him know I'm not interested. Then again I am clear at the end of the first date whether I'm interested. If I am not interested, I thank him for the time and the meal or coffee or drink and that I have to continue my day. If I am interested, I say that I enjoyed his company and that if he wants to see me again, to give me a call. If he does ask me out again and I am not interested, that's when I let him know that I while I enjoyed his company, I don't feel chemistry and that I don't want to waste his time.
Author mammax3 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Thanks everyone for your opinions. The date sent me a text a little while after the date, and then the next morning - I didn't reply since I wasn't too sure what to say. He hasn't texted again but I wanted to avoid that "technique" of ignoring until they got the hint that I'm not interested, so leaving it as such feels mean.
utterer of lies Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Thanks everyone for your opinions. The date sent me a text a little while after the date, and then the next morning - I didn't reply since I wasn't too sure what to say. He hasn't texted again but I wanted to avoid that "technique" of ignoring until they got the hint that I'm not interested, so leaving it as such feels mean. It's very simple: most men are really stupid. Ignoring them will not work, or only after some time. Most will not notice or care if a date didn't go well. Therefore, your rejection should be crystal clear (but not cruel).
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Boogieboy, 'After our date I realized that Im really not interested in you at all. Thanks for the (dinner)' is mean and rude. She most certainly can be nice and explicit in saying 'no thanks.'. If she says "no thanks" he will probably ask why, and shes going to have to tell him shes not interested anyway. Thats the difference between men and women. Youre not a man, you couldnt handle talk like this. You cant even handle the post. Mammax, Ill say it again, you dont have to let him down easy. Hes a man, he can take a little straight talk. Its not rude, its straight to the point. Go ahead and send that to him. He'll thank you for it. it WILL NOT HURT HIM. Dont take the low road of lies. Tell the truth.
v g Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Oh, I forgot the best part. 'Good luck to you' is manspeak for I'm not interested. It works really well. Men get this. Bottom line is that if you've made it clear to him that you're not interested and he continues to pursue you, that's his being rude. Boogieboy, there's a difference in saying 'not interested' and 'not interested in you at all.' Adding the 'in you at all' is mean and not necessary. And she doesn't ever have to tell him she's not interested if he never contacts her again. Anyway, good luck to you. J/K
2sure Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 It's very simple: most men are really stupid. Ignoring them will not work, or only after some time. Most will not notice or care if a date didn't go well. Therefore, your rejection should be crystal clear (but not cruel). Took me a decade to realize this. I have found that the line/words: "I'm just not feeling it" are actually acceptable and convey your non interest while being vague enough to not make the guy feel criticized. Almost as if through no fault of his or yours, the chemistry inexplicably - just isnt there. Ultimately, most guys just want to know whether they should keep pitching or not. The why is not that big of a deal.
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Oh, I forgot the best part. 'Good luck to you' is manspeak for I'm not interested. It works really well. Men get this. Bottom line is that if you've made it clear to him that you're not interested and he continues to pursue you, that's his being rude. Boogieboy, there's a difference in saying 'not interested' and 'not interested in you at all.' Adding the 'in you at all' is mean and not necessary. And she doesn't ever have to tell him she's not interested if he never contacts her again. Anyway, good luck to you. J/K Like I said, thats a woman hangup, adding "in you at all" is direct, and isnt mean to a guy, but it is necessary to avoid bieng vague. Your empathy seems to make you think a guys wants to hear what YOU want to hear. A woman would see it as mean if it was said to her, but guy will get the point and if its followed by "good luck to you", its even better.
redhighheels Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 My standard I'm-not-interested email is "Hey, I really enjoyed your company but I'm not really feeling it. I wish you best of luck in your future endeavours!" The key elements are: I had fun with him, so he's not a complete socially inadequate tool; I don't have to explain the lack of chemistry since we've all been there and I end it on a positive note, so that the next time we randomly bump into each other I won't hear the word "bitch" uttered softly as I pass by. It works well since all the replies I got were along the same lines. They usually say they appreciate my honesty, that they enjoyed our time spent together as well and wish me good luck in return. I think you should give your fellow men some credit, boogieboy. Rejection in itself is unplesant enough, we don't have to be rude about on top of it, ya know?
Author mammax3 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 So I texted him a variation of the lines you all suggested. I would hazard the guess that he got it, there was no follow up text. I felt a bit like an idiot to spell it out that I wasn't interested, since it was apparent to me, but I hope that it went over fine. Funny how girls worry about this stuff.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 So I texted him a variation of the lines you all suggested. I would hazard the guess that he got it, there was no follow up text. I felt a bit like an idiot to spell it out that I wasn't interested, since it was apparent to me, but I hope that it went over fine. Funny how girls worry about this stuff. DOnt feel like an idiot, you just have to learn how guys minds work. We dont read hints, we like the words straight up to make sure theres no chance. We want to know theres no chance. Hints dont do that, especially for guys that are clueless. After a few bad dates, you'll get used to straight talk for a turndown and you wont feel so guilty about it.
Surfer Dude Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 When a chick isn't interestd in me, I expect her to ignore me. When I'm not interested in a chick, I ignore her. It's best to avoid any confrontation and possible bad feelings.
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