GF driving me insane w/insecurity and overreaction

[Star Gazer]

I just broke it off. I feel dizzy...

 

Big hugs. You'll be okay.

 

How'd she respond?

[Phateless]

Big hugs. You'll be okay.

 

How'd she respond?

 

Thanks, I'm sure I will be ok someday, but I don't feel like it right now. She was crushed, told me I broke her heart, and before she left told me I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I genuinely feel like she's right, even though I know in my gut that this was the only choice.

 

I made the mistake of checking her facebook and her status was "the worst part of losing your best friend/love of your life is that it doesn't kill you." or something like that. Frankly, I feel the exact same way right now.

 

Ugh...

[Els]

Sorry to hear that. I do think that our gut is right more often than we give it credit for, and if you knew it was the right thing to do... then it's the right thing to do.

 

Stay strong.

[FebruaryAmor]

wow what a long thread... this brought tears to my eyes idk why. but from the beginning pages it seemed like you had so much faith in the rela.. and gave it a chance. I know it hurts. I can't fathom the pain you're going through, but just keep your head up.

 

 

R u planning to do full NC?

[Phateless]

wow what a long thread... this brought tears to my eyes idk why. but from the beginning pages it seemed like you had so much faith in the rela.. and gave it a chance. I know it hurts. I can't fathom the pain you're going through, but just keep your head up.

 

 

R u planning to do full NC?

 

I was planning to, but she texted me last night and asked me why, gave me some guilt and said some mildly mean things. I'm really thinking I made a mistake.

 

Is this just simple fear of commitment? I'm talking to my shrink today.

 

I just want to be snuggled up on the couch with her and the dog. If we both want to be together, how is not being together the right decision??

[Els]

If we both want to be together, how is not being together the right decision??

 

Did you not say that you didn't feel this R was right for you? If that were the case, why do you still want to be with her?

[xpaperxcutx]

Anybody mention if she could be borderline? Because if she feels insecure and constantly find faults with you and act completely blameless she could be suffering from borderline personality disorder.

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

Edited June 3, 2013 by xpaperxcutx

[FebruaryAmor]

I was planning to, but she texted me last night and asked me why, gave me some guilt and said some mildly mean things. I'm really thinking I made a mistake.

 

Is this just simple fear of commitment? I'm talking to my shrink today.

 

I just want to be snuggled up on the couch with her and the dog. If we both want to be together, how is not being together the right decision??

 

long post sorry.. but when i tell stories..i like to say everything. people say im a good storyteller.

 

you remind me of my bf so much. I have some same qualities as ur girlfriend (not diagnosed with bpd but have really bad anxiety and depression). when i'm really stressed out (looking for other work) i take most of my frusterations out on him. He's nothing but good to me. But i have the text book case of "oh my father abused me, cheated on my mother, i been cheated on, i can't trust no one" bullshyt and honestly.. its ruining all my relationships.

 

I started to lose respect for my boyfriend when he would just ALLOW me to walk all over him. Now i'm not saying I like doing that. I dont. But every little time we got in an argument.. he would just be like baby im sorry. This began the cycle where he became the follower and I felt like "The Leader" in the rela. How can I lead a relationship im not a man. I can direct where I want the relationship to go, which i did, but lead? Thats not my job.

 

My relationship with my father isn't bad its alright i guess. But one thing I can say about him is that I respect him (even after all the bad he has done). I will never cross him. I always think when a man really means business he needs to put his foot down and not allow the girl to take control. As much as u love her.. this is what needs to happen. And its happening in my relationship now.

 

 

My boyfriend told me a few days ago all the stress hes been feeling. He's never spoken to me like this before. He was direct and said hes not happy, hes shown me everything to prove i can trust him. told me i make him stressed blah blah. just hit the nail and flat out said i cant be with someone like this. and he also added "you need to get over your past bull**** or it will carry onto every relationship like it did in your past ones and into ours now". After he tore me a new one, he kept watching netflix as I cried in the corner. dude flat out ignored me like i wasn't there. He has control now and I really had time to think about everything he told me this past weekend.

 

I didn't speak back at him, when I tried to he shut me up and just said "no" this is how things are happening now. Youre not doing to disrespect me. Without him even asking for space, I decided to go No Physical Contact since friday.. also No First Initiating Contact. I don't text or call him, i only talk to him when he contacts me. The first two days we barely spoke. But now today, he called me in the morning as I got off my overnight shift and we chatted normal. Now he's leading.. and I find it kind of sexy.

 

I never want to let my emotions and fears ruin a relationship. If me and my bf do not end up working, I would like it to be about another reason. I do not want this cycle to repeat.

 

I would suggest you put your foot down and really try NC. It'll have her thinking trust. Also, suggest she go see a doctor to get a proper diagnoses. I dont like when ppl throw bpd around.

[FebruaryAmor]

If we both want to be together, how is not being together the right decision??

 

 

Do the PROS of being together (right now) outweigh the cons? I know how u feel trust. If loving you is wrong, i dont want to be right type love, we found love in a hopeless place type love. The type of love that just as much pains you.. also heals you. No one can tell you what to do only you can tell yourself what you want.

 

Do you feel like this is a toxic codependent rela? Like those kangaroos in winnie the pooh. cant function without eachother. if you feel like that, maybe u guys should try to be a little more independent and work on your issues, both see professional help, and really truly heal.

 

 

to answer your question.. sometimes what we like isn't good for us. I have a substance abuse problem and I drink my "pains" away. I know it's bad for me and not the way to go, but I get relief every time I take a sip. I'm not growing everytime I take a sip. Im just numbing the actual pain. Hope that makes sense.

[Treasa]

Ok, as someone who used to BE your girlfriend (obviously not literally), she's done a number on you. The exploding at you? That's crap. Once you're an adult, you need to learn to control your emotions, especially when it comes to work situations and people you love who aren't kind of stuck to you, like kids.

 

I used to be really hot-headed, and still get hot-headed in very specific situations, but I don't blow up at the people I love.

 

The crap she posted on FB? That is some seriously melodramatic horse****. That is seriously a cry for sympathy and attention, and it's passive-aggressive at best. FFS, wishing you would die because of a breakup? That's showing no gratitude for the gift of life. I did and felt that crap, too, back when I was really selfish and emotionally immature and insecure.

 

You are not there to support her bad behavior. You are not there to enable her. You are supposed to be a complement to her life, not a supplement.

 

With the whole telling you that you made the biggest mistake of your life, I am certain you dodged a bullet. Please don't feel bad about this. I understand it hurts, but you have to do what's right for you, and she needs to grow up.

[Treasa]

Oh yeah, and never hide your light under a basket when it comes to your accomplishments. I made that mistake at one time in my life. Never again. If she's insecure about her progress at the gym, that is on her. I give it my all and never feel like I left anything behind, and always feel awesome about my progress.

[tbf]

Anybody mention if she could be borderline? Because if she feels insecure and constantly find faults with you and act completely blameless she could be suffering from borderline personality disorder.

 

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist | A Shrink for Men

This would be my guess, one of the Cluster B personality disorders. It can be crazy making to partners.

[Treasa]

Or she could just be emotionally immature. This is how immature I used to be, and I don't have BPD, NPD, or anything other than OCD, some anxiety, and some depression, and those have all been in remission, so to speak, for a couple of years.

 

You aren't a psychologist/psychiatrist, so thinking that she has some issue that she can't control is only going to guilt you into wanting to "take care" of her. You can't possibly diagnose her. Honestly, I know a couple of true BPDs really well, and she doesn't sound like one to me, but I can't diagnose her any more than you can.

 

You've tried to end things. If you got back together with her, nothing will change EXCEPT that she will throwing it in your face that you broke up with her.

 

It hurts now, but this is really for the best.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Treasa

[clia]

I was planning to, but she texted me last night and asked me why, gave me some guilt and said some mildly mean things. I'm really thinking I made a mistake.

 

Is this just simple fear of commitment? I'm talking to my shrink today.

 

I just want to be snuggled up on the couch with her and the dog. If we both want to be together, how is not being together the right decision??

 

You feel like you made a mistake because for four years she has been a constant in your life. That is a really long time! You are feeling disconnected and lost without her to sit on the couch with. You probably almost feel like someone died. You are losing your best friend and your girlfriend all at the same time. It's tough!

 

However, this does not mean that breaking up with her is a mistake. To the contrary, I think it was the right thing to do. You have to keep your eye on the big picture as opposed to the small picture and who is going to sit on the couch with you on Sunday night to watch Mad Men. One day at a time. Write a list of all the reasons why you broke up with her. Read it every time you start to miss her. Don't make excuses. Don't tell yourself that "Oh, this is no big deal." It is a big deal; it's your life.

 

It is going to take some time (probably quite a bit) to get used to not having her in your life. There was a long time before you met her that you were living perfectly fine without her. You will get back to that point. Don't cave in just because you feel like you can't get through this. You will be happier for it in the long run to find someone who is better matched for you. You will get through it! Stay strong.

[Phateless]

Or she could just be emotionally immature. This is how immature I used to be, and I don't have BPD, NPD, or anything other than OCD, some anxiety, and some depression, and those have all been in remission, so to speak, for a couple of years.

 

You aren't a psychologist/psychiatrist, so thinking that she has some issue that she can't control is only going to guilt you into wanting to "take care" of her. You can't possibly diagnose her. Honestly, I know a couple of true BPDs really well, and she doesn't sound like one to me, but I can't diagnose her any more than you can.

 

You've tried to end things. If you got back together with her, nothing will change EXCEPT that she will throwing it in your face that you broke up with her.

 

It hurts now, but this is really for the best.

 

You feel like you made a mistake because for four years she has been a constant in your life. That is a really long time! You are feeling disconnected and lost without her to sit on the couch with. You probably almost feel like someone died. You are losing your best friend and your girlfriend all at the same time. It's tough!

 

However, this does not mean that breaking up with her is a mistake. To the contrary, I think it was the right thing to do. You have to keep your eye on the big picture as opposed to the small picture and who is going to sit on the couch with you on Sunday night to watch Mad Men. One day at a time. Write a list of all the reasons why you broke up with her. Read it every time you start to miss her. Don't make excuses. Don't tell yourself that "Oh, this is no big deal." It is a big deal; it's your life.

 

It is going to take some time (probably quite a bit) to get used to not having her in your life. There was a long time before you met her that you were living perfectly fine without her. You will get back to that point. Don't cave in just because you feel like you can't get through this. You will be happier for it in the long run to find someone who is better matched for you. You will get through it! Stay strong.

 

You guys might be right, and she's already started being pretty mean in our texts. Mostly just expressing her frustration, but also telling me that I'll never find this love again. That's exactly the kind of behavior that gave me doubts in the first place, 5 years ago.

 

Fact is, I love her and we've made huge progress together in the last few years, and with a little work, I think we can do this. I know I'm going through all the typical stages right now, but NOT having her in my life feels much more wrong than moving in with her did.

[Treasa]

Since it seems like you're going to get back with her, I wish you the best of luck.

 

ETA: Don't break up with someone unless you absolutely mean it and there's no going back. Otherwise it's a terrible mind**** and really hard to get over and trust again for the dumpee.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Treasa

[na49]

Seems like a bit of a knee jerk reaction on your part. I'd let her know how you feel sooner rather than later.

[SpiralOut]

I am yet another woman who can say I used to BE your girlfriend. I have not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Just become someone is acting crazy doesn't mean they necessarily have a psychiatric illness. However, I did suffer from extreme insecurity and lacked the ability to express anger in a normal way. I think a large part of that was due to the way I was raised.

 

I think you are doing both her and yourself a favour. You don't need to be dealing with that crap from her. Staying in a relationship only enables her to continue her behaviour since you're teaching her that it's okay to act that way. It took a couple of relationships blowing up in my face for me to realize that what I was doing wasn't right and wasn't working and that the real problem was me. She'll never realize that unless she gets cut loose and is left alone to think about her actions.