butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 . If you already had plans with her first, then why would you not just tell your uncle you already had plans? Exactly! It's not the change of plans that is wrong it is the idea she was making dinner and he shows up two hours late for it and expects her to just "understand" simply because he HAD to have dinner with his uncle instead. He could have declined dinner with uncle by simply saying "can't the wife is making me dinner already" OR better yet and what seems to be the most logical way to go about this is to simply explain to the girlfriend "I have to meet my uncle I love that you want to make me dinner but let's postpone that for another night where I can just enjoy it rather than for tonight when I have to see my uncle, and I really don't want to cancel on seeing my uncle as you can appreciate" She made dinner, she was not waiting around for him just to drop by, THAT is what makes it inconsidertate on his part. If that was my guy and he did that to me the next time I would serve him a cold big mac and tell him oh what you don't like cold junk food? I can't rely on you so why make the effort to cook for you? I ordered you take out, heat it up eat it and enjoy. Don't worry about me I had my steak and greens already! 1
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Exactly! It's not the change of plans that is wrong it is the idea she was making dinner and he shows up two hours late for it and expects her to just "understand" simply because he HAD to have dinner with his uncle instead. He could have declined dinner with uncle by simply saying "can't the wife is making me dinner already" OR better yet and what seems to be the most logical way to go about this is to simply explain to the girlfriend "I have to meet my uncle I love that you want to make me dinner but let's postpone that for another night where I can just enjoy it rather than for tonight when I have to see my uncle, and I really don't want to cancel on seeing my uncle as you can appreciate" She made dinner, she was not waiting around for him just to drop by, THAT is what makes it inconsidertate on his part. If that was my guy and he did that to me the next time I would serve him a cold big mac and tell him oh what you don't like cold junk food? I can't rely on you so why make the effort to cook for you? I ordered you take out, heat it up eat it and enjoy. Don't worry about me I had my steak and greens already! DUDE! You are not listening. she did NOT make the dinner she was NOT waiting around - i told her hours in advance that i would be late - we set a new time and we agreed on it simple reschedule - no big deal.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 If you already had plans with her first, then why would you not just tell your uncle you already had plans? Because I see her 3 times a week and I'm lucky to see my Uncle once a year. He's in from out of town, he's family, he should get higher priority. I would expect any normal person to be understanding. Besides, I did not blow her off. All I did was push the time back by two hours, which she agreed to. If the situation were reversed I would happily tell her to be with her family and we'll reschedule our dinner for next week. No need to flip out. You guys sound just like her.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I apologize for being short with you, I understand why you are confused. The original post made it sound like she made dinner already and I flaked, HOWEVER, that is not the case and I made FOUR attempts to clarify this. I am a little annoyed that none of those attempts registered and I am still answering questions about the original, incorrect, post. 1 -she had NOT cooked. -I let her know much earlier in the day - several hours at least -I told her 8:00 pm -she texted me around 7:00 (maybe??) saying she was upset that I ditched her again (a couple nights before i came over real late cuz I was out with my little sis for her b-day) -i got upset at her for raising drama again because we had already talked about it earlier that day and she said she understood. Why wouldn't she? 2 Agreed to that earlier than the dinner with Uncle was scheduled. Attempted to push back hanging out with her. (scheduled for 6:00 pm, wanted to make it 8:00 pm instead) Only wanted to push it back two hours, not cancel on her and she made it into a big thing. She was upset because she wanted to make me a nice dinner and I wouldn't be there for that. 3 Made plans with her first. THEN plans were made for Uncle dinner. Rescheduled with girl several hours before the original time had arrived. Girl flipped out before new time arrived. Make sense? 4 DUDE! You are not listening. she did NOT make the dinner she was NOT waiting around - i told her hours in advance that i would be late - we set a new time and we agreed on it simple reschedule - no big deal.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 BH - if his GF had issue with the plans being pushed off two hours, she should have said something when he requested the change in plans. I have MAJOR issues with girls who do this. Agree to let the guy do what he asks, expecting that he'll read her mind and do what SHE wants, and when he fails the test, he gets reamed. Give me a break. If she didn't like the idea, she should have been honest upfront. I don't see anything wrong with requesting of your SO that you spend some time with family. Gees. My BF usually lets me know ahead of time if he's going to be with family, and if that's the case - I don't have a set time in mind that he'd BETTER call me. Goodness. I think you guys are being a little hardcore about this. What happened to easygoing and flexibility? He was perfectly considerate - asked her if it was okay - she said it was. When he did what they AGREED ON, she flipped out. 1
Woggle Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 This will only get worse so just dump her on move on. You don't need this crap in your life because the more you try to accomodate her the more resentful she will become.
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 So, how many times have you told her that her behavior is begining to cause resentment? This behavior has been continuing for a year, and it isn't by accident. There is a cycle where you are accomodating it, and neither one of you are growing or learning how to better resolve issues. Does she know how strongly you feel? Has she heard it from you that her over reacting and insecurity are driving you insane?
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 BH - if his GF had issue with the plans being pushed off two hours, she should have said something when he requested the change in plans. I have MAJOR issues with girls who do this. Agree to let the guy do what he asks, expecting that he'll read her mind and do what SHE wants, and when he fails the test, he gets reamed. Give me a break. If she didn't like the idea, she should have been honest upfront. I don't see anything wrong with requesting of your SO that you spend some time with family. Gees. My BF usually lets me know ahead of time if he's going to be with family, and if that's the case - I don't have a set time in mind that he'd BETTER call me. Goodness. I think you guys are being a little hardcore about this. What happened to easygoing and flexibility? He was perfectly considerate - asked her if it was okay - she said it was. When he did what they AGREED ON, she flipped out. THANK YOU, SoulSearch! Finally someone gets it... Jesus Christ!! People on this board DO NOT LISTEN. Just like my gf, lol. This will only get worse so just dump her on move on. You don't need this crap in your life because the more you try to accomodate her the more resentful she will become. That's what I'm afraid of. I'm doing the best I can to be patient with her but when she pushes and pushes I break down. I think 4 times seems to be the magic number for me, lol.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 So, how many times have you told her that her behavior is begining to cause resentment? This behavior has been continuing for a year, and it isn't by accident. There is a cycle where you are accomodating it, and neither one of you are growing or learning how to better resolve issues. Does she know how strongly you feel? Has she heard it from you that her over reacting and insecurity are driving you insane? Yes she does. She knows it's a deal-breaker for me and she is trying to change and always reminds me of that, but the results I see are negligible. I tried to break up with her over this but she convinced me to stay and work it out. There has been marginal improvement. At least she's not cutting me down and being sarcastic and bitchy all the time now - only when she's upset about something, which is still often.
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 You badger her a lot. Now, I'm not pointing this out for the reason you may think I am. I'm not pointing it out to say, hey you're a jerk. No. Rather, it's glaringly obvious how resentful you've become of her, is more what I was thinking. You don't seem to be happy in this relationship and I don't blame you but once again, how much of these feelings is SHE aware of? 1
Confusedalways Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Wow you could have written this post about my best friend... and if your location didn't say where you were from i'd seriously think it was her boyfriend! To be honest, I don't know how someone can date someone like your girlfriend/ my friend. I think they just like to pick fights and regain control after ALREADY AGREEING and make you try to read the undertones of their messages. While I can't say I'm completely innocent of this behavior myself, doing it all the time must be tiresome. I'm even tired of my friend telling me every day how she's in a fight with her man and 90% of the time I'm on his side of the argument. I have no idea why they do that, but even more is I don't know how you put up with it. She, too, is trying to change and I just wanted to wish you luck. If it's any constellation my friend is crazy about her boyfriend and I don't think she realizes EXACTLY how obnoxious the behavior is. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yes she does. She knows it's a deal-breaker for me and she is trying to change and always reminds me of that, but the results I see are negligible. I tried to break up with her over this but she convinced me to stay and work it out. There has been marginal improvement. At least she's not cutting me down and being sarcastic and bitchy all the time now - only when she's upset about something, which is still often. She knows it's a dealbreaker how? Because you said it was, but you still stay with her? Unfortunately, bad behavior in relationships can be like dealing with children. You can tell them that if they don't knock if off there is going to be a consequence, but unless you follow through with what you said you would, they are going to know they can get away with more. This seems to be the case here. 1
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 You badger her a lot. Now, I'm not pointing this out for the reason you may think I am. I'm not pointing it out to say, hey you're a jerk. No. Rather, it's glaringly obvious how resentful you've become of her, is more what I was thinking. You don't seem to be happy in this relationship and I don't blame you but once again, how much of these feelings is SHE aware of? I have done my best to make her aware of all of them. You have no idea how difficult she gets whenever I try to talk to her about something that bothers me. She goes straight to defensive, explaining/justifying, refuses to validate my feelings or point of view until I get furious, then I get a weak apology and an indignant demand that I drop it while she insists she already did validate and apologize.
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I have done my best to make her aware of all of them. You have no idea how difficult she gets whenever I try to talk to her about something that bothers me. She goes straight to defensive, explaining/justifying, refuses to validate my feelings or point of view until I get furious, then I get a weak apology and an indignant demand that I drop it while she insists she already did validate and apologize. Understood. But it's working for her isn't it? What is her incentive to change her ways when she has acted this way for an entire year and you are still there by her side? What are your ages?
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I have NO issue with him making new plans with his family NO ISSUE AT ALL and of course she should understand that and not harp on it later it's a done deal if he let her know ahead of time. What I did have issue with is that he continued to keep the dinner plan and then showed up two hours late when she had made dinner. Now he says she didn't make dinnner, but that's not what the OP said. I was going by what the OP said. I am the OP. I did NOT keep the dinner plan, I moved it! I did not show up 2 hours late, she knew I would be late ahead of time. She never made the dinner at all. BH, if you're not going to read all of the posts in the thread, please stop posting. You obviously don't understand what I'm saying and are making your judgments based on inaccurate information. Will someone please explain this to her? I'm losing my cool here.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Understood. But it's working for her isn't it? What is her incentive to change her ways when she has acted this way for an entire year and you are still there by her side? What are your ages? She's 23 and I'm 28. I thought her incentive to change would be a happy and healthy relationship with no fighting, but apparently that's not motivating her. Your points about childish behavior are well understood and I completely agree with you, it does feel that way. We are currently on an agreement for one full week of peace with zero relationship discussions. This is probably the 5th or 6th time we've attempted this. Let's see what happens this time...
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 She's 23 and I'm 28. I thought her incentive to change would be a happy and healthy relationship with no fighting, but apparently that's not motivating her. Your points about childish behavior are well understood and I completely agree with you, it does feel that way. We are currently on an agreement for one full week of peace with zero relationship discussions. This is probably the 5th or 6th time we've attempted this. Let's see what happens this time... This is a repeated pattern with you. You keep trying something that does not work, I'm guessing in hopes that "just this one time it will". If something hasn't worked a 5th time why was there a 6th? Etc. etc. Just like how for an ENTIRE YEAR things have been not well between the two of you, yet it was allowed to persist for a whole year. No relationship discussions? Avoiding issues doesn't make them go away. Might keep the peace, but the conflict will still always lie as a root right where you left it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Alright...I missed the 4th page. See it was clarified. Carry on.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 This is a repeated pattern with you. You keep trying something that does not work, I'm guessing in hopes that "just this one time it will". If something hasn't worked a 5th time why was there a 6th? Etc. etc. Just like how for an ENTIRE YEAR things have been not well between the two of you, yet it was allowed to persist for a whole year. No relationship discussions? Avoiding issues doesn't make them go away. Might keep the peace, but the conflict will still always lie as a root right where you left it. You're right. I'm hoping that one week of peace will allow us to calm down and move past the "battle" phase of this. Hopefully if things go well for a week we can pick up a little positive momentum.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 5th & 6th attempt? Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I can't say that she is 100% at fault per se. You are enabling this behavior by not doing something to change it. 1
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 5th & 6th attempt? Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I can't say that she is 100% at fault per se. You are enabling this behavior by not doing something to change it. lol, that's MY favorite quote to post in threads here! It's true though Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yup. Time to live by my own words.
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 You're right. I'm hoping that one week of peace will allow us to calm down and move past the "battle" phase of this. Hopefully if things go well for a week we can pick up a little positive momentum. No, I think you're missing the point. I understand you're hoping 1 week of peace will start you on a new path, but it won't until clear understanding has been brought about. Here's the thing, Once upon a time I was a baaad, baaad girl. I didn't do it all intentionally, mostly I was just repeating behaviors I'd been taught/learned. I put my boyfriend through absolute hell dealing with me. I did try and make some sincere changes and I was genuine in my wanting to do that, but looking back at it now..I still didn't get it full circle. Then something wild happened! Basically, it was more than just a break up, he told me he was "losing it" for me. To me, that was MUCH scarier than a break up. I was baaad baaad girl who didn't deserve his forgiveness, and I know that but I still cared about him a lot and I knew he was one of a kind, really really special and it would be a devestating loss. Basically, what he told me scared the living **** right out of me. I mean, we'd "broken up" and got back together like 5 times by this point and that didn't shake me. But when he said those words, something snapped in place and needless to say I shaped up and got all my ducks in line PRONTO. I've been nothing but open, honest, devoted, attentive, thoughtful, caring since. I really cared for this person and I realised that if I didn't clean up my dirty act, I was going to lose a very very rare and precious man. It was my one last shot. Things were bad between us before then, BAD. All my fault from all the crap I pulled but we had bad and very very nasty fights. We didn't go more than 2 days without getting into knock down, drag out fights. Now? I'm happy to report that since I cleaned up my act and got my ass in line, we have only had 1 true fight in about 3 months time, and it wasn't even nothing compared to the way we used to go at it. I had incentive to change, the most special guy on the planet was going to stop caring about me if I didn't get it together. This girl needs to have the fear of God put in her, and she if she really loves you, she will get it together. I did! 2
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 No, I think you're missing the point. I understand you're hoping 1 week of peace will start you on a new path, but it won't until clear understanding has been brought about. Here's the thing, Once upon a time I was a baaad, baaad girl. I didn't do it all intentionally, mostly I was just repeating behaviors I'd been taught/learned. I put my boyfriend through absolute hell dealing with me. I did try and make some sincere changes and I was genuine in my wanting to do that, but looking back at it now..I still didn't get it full circle. Then something wild happened! Basically, it was more than just a break up, he told me he was "losing it" for me. To me, that was MUCH scarier than a break up. I was baaad baaad girl who didn't deserve his forgiveness, and I know that but I still cared about him a lot and I knew he was one of a kind, really really special and it would be a devestating loss. Basically, what he told me scared the living **** right out of me. I mean, we'd "broken up" and got back together like 5 times by this point and that didn't shake me. But when he said those words, something snapped in place and needless to say I shaped up and got all my ducks in line PRONTO. I've been nothing but open, honest, devoted, attentive, thoughtful, caring since. I really cared for this person and I realised that if I didn't clean up my dirty act, I was going to lose a very very rare and precious man. It was my one last shot. Things were bad between us before then, BAD. All my fault from all the crap I pulled but we had bad and very very nasty fights. We didn't go more than 2 days without getting into knock down, drag out fights. Now? I'm happy to report that since I cleaned up my act and got my ass in line, we have only had 1 true fight in about 3 months time, and it wasn't even nothing compared to the way we used to go at it. I had incentive to change, the most special guy on the planet was going to stop caring about me if I didn't get it together. This girl needs to have the fear of God put in her, and she if she really loves you, she will get it together. I did! Wow, that sounds EXACTLY like her! I guess I feel that there is no way we can have a clear discussion like this. I was hoping that a week to calm down would allow us to talk about things openly and honestly, but you're right, she'll do the same thing again a week later. Me trying to end it got her to snap her ass in line and stop being bitchy, mean, rude and sarcastic toward me, but her argument/communication style is still terrible to deal with. At that time I told her I was losing feelings for her. I guess I have to tell her again that if she doesn't sort out her communication stuff right now I'm leaving? I dunno, I just don't see that working. Right now she's already terrified that I'll walk out the door at any minute. She reminds me of this all the time. *sigh* I guess that's my last shot... She wants me to make a list of all the specific bad habits I believe she has with communication so that she can try to work on them. I guess that shows some kind of commitment to improvement? If I don't SEE the improvement then it's all just mental masturbation.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Right now she's already terrified that I'll walk out the door at any minute. She reminds me of this all the time. Actions, my friend. They do not lie. Words, on the other hand - are far easier to dispense.
hoping2heal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Actions, my friend. They do not lie. Words, on the other hand - are far easier to dispense. Agreed. If she was that worried, she'd get her rear in gear, I did.
Recommended Posts