Phateless Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 The title says it all. I just can't take it anymore. Everything I do is overanalayzed and blown out of proportion. If I apologize, she keeps pushing the issue until she gets me furious at which point I go off on her and demand she apologize for starting a fight. Eventually she finally apologizes briefly and then expects me to drop it instantly, but I can't just let it go like nothing happened once I reach that state of anger. This goes around in circles and I just have no idea what to do. In the beginning I tried to stay assertive and calm but she has pushed me to the point where I'm bordering on rage every time she brings something up. (which is almost daily) They're ridiculous things too, like being two hours late to her house and missing a dinner she made because my uncle is in town from across the country and I had to have a family dinner with him. I even kept her updated ahead of time and she still got all butt-hurt. She brings up little stuff that upsets her and wants to talk it out with no regard to her being insecure DESPITE me doing nothing wrong. I have to argue with her 10 - 15 mins before she admits that maybe I didn't do anything wrong, but it always turns into a fight first. She never backs down and apologizes until she gets me furious. Is there hope with this one? Is she insane? Should I run like hell? What can I do to make this work? I'm exhausted....
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Doesn't sound like much fun to me! Maybe it's time to cut and run. Relationships should enhance your life, not exhaust you.
Author Phateless Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Doesn't sound like much fun to me! Maybe it's time to cut and run. Relationships should enhance your life, not exhaust you. I just keep thinking that it will improve. She's taking steps to improve but they are baby steps and I'm not sure if I have the patience for the marginal improvements I'll see.
crissie Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Funny, you posted to my last post, and it was good advice....Then I read your post and had to laugh because I believe it may be my boyfriends side of the story if it was possible to hear both....Relationships suck! 1
Author Phateless Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Funny, you posted to my last post, and it was good advice....Then I read your post and had to laugh because I believe it may be my boyfriends side of the story if it was possible to hear both....Relationships suck! lol thanks. Agreed, they do suck.
Thaddeus Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Sounds like she's got the drama-meter off the scale. She's not going to change - you know that, right? - so the question becomes, "How long am I willing to put up with this for? Is the cost outweighing the benefit?"
mammax3 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Sounds like a tough situation. The 10 -15 mins of discussion/arguing that comes after helps reinforce her freaking out, if you know what I mean. If the comments she's making is due to her needing/wanting attention, then she's getting that attention each time you discuss her issues. I imagine, based on what you said, that it's not due to your uncle's dinner but the lack of attention on her. Is that what you feel it is, attention seeking behaviour? (I'll post more based on what you feel is driving the behaviour)...
Trialbyfire Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 She's pretty young Phateless so it might take awhile for her to figure out that drama does not equal passion. Have you also figured this out? Also, there are times where people aren't compatible for the long run, due to something within, that brings out the negative in the other person. Sometimes you can pinpoint it, other times, not. For the times you can't, it's usually how people analyze and process external input. 1
paddington bear Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 So, basically she is always on the attack, and you are always on the defensive. She apologises because she knows that's what you expect, but she doesn't truly mean that apology, because she's just going to go on and do the same thing over and over again. A true apology is from someone who has assessed their behaviour and yours and has come to the conclusion 'ok, maybe I over-reacted a bit there, that was wrong. I will not only apologise and mean it, I will learn from this and try to alter my behaviour so that I don't make the same mistake again and hurt my boyfriend'. Has she altered her behaviour? No. Maybe you're not going mad. Maybe she has the problem: from: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/ The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Questions: (1) How long has the fighting/push-pull been going on? (2) Can you give some examples of things you've done that have upset her? (Your comment of her being upset for you being "two hours late to her house and missing a dinner she made because my uncle is in town from across the country and I had to have a family dinner with him. I even kept her updated ahead of time and she still got all butt-hurt..." makes me think that there are other issues at play here that are NOT all her fault.)
paddington bear Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Questions: (1) How long has the fighting/push-pull been going on? (2) Can you give some examples of things you've done that have upset her? (Your comment of her being upset for you being "two hours late to her house and missing a dinner she made because my uncle is in town from across the country and I had to have a family dinner with him. I even kept her updated ahead of time and she still got all butt-hurt..." makes me think that there are other issues at play here that are NOT all her fault.) This is a valid point, but it depends on a couple of factors: Did she know that in all liklihood he was not going to make it to her place for dinner, but cook anyway and then blame him for not coming back for the meal? or... Was she completely unaware that the OP's uncle was in town, that cooking a meal for her and the OP would in all liklihood end up being a meal for one? The OP did say "I even kept her updated ahead of time and she still got all butt-hurt." which indicates that he told her up-front that he had family duties and might not make it back, or would be delayed and she went ahead and cooked a meal for them both and then got upset that he wasn't there as if he hadn't taken the time to be polite and keep her informed. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 This is a valid point, but it depends on a couple of factors: Did she know that in all liklihood he was not going to make it to her place for dinner, but cook anyway and then blame him for not coming back for the meal? or... Was she completely unaware that the OP's uncle was in town, that cooking a meal for her and the OP would in all liklihood end up being a meal for one? The OP did say "I even kept her updated ahead of time and she still got all butt-hurt." which indicates that he told her up-front that he had family duties and might not make it back, or would be delayed and she went ahead and cooked a meal for them both and then got upset that he wasn't there as if he hadn't taken the time to be polite and keep her informed. OR, did he say, "Sure babe, I'll be there for dinner, when is it? 7? Okay, I'll be there, just gotta hang out with the fam' first," and then text her at 6:45 to say he's running late, and then again 30 minutes later, and then again 30 minutes later, and again, and again... I mean, WHY would she make dinner for him if she knew, or even thought it possible, that he was going to be having dinner with his family? 1
paddington bear Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 OR, did he say, "Sure babe, I'll be there for dinner, when is it? 7? Okay, I'll be there, just gotta hang out with the fam' first," and then text her at 6:45 to say he's running late, and then again 30 minutes later, and then again 30 minutes later, and again, and again... I mean, WHY would she make dinner for him if she knew, or even thought it possible, that he was going to be having dinner with his family? See your point. Let's see what the OP has to say
paddington bear Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I still think though that for me in the original post there are some alarm bells, I know we're only getting one side of the story here...however what Phateless said was: I just can't take it anymore - he is at snapping point due to the same behaviour over and over and over again, with no apparent solution If I apologize, she keeps pushing the issue until she gets me furious - she gets angry, he feels bad, apologises, but she doesn't want an apology, she wants an argument, hence, to her the apology is meaningless, it's not what she wants, she wants drama and will go to any lengths to get the drama she requires. This goes around in circles - cycle of abuse, I blame you, you apologise, I get angry and push you until you get angry, you get angry, I blame you for getting angry and then it starts all over again. She brings up little stuff that upsets her and wants to talk it out with no regard to her being insecure DESPITE me doing nothing wrong - maybe this indicates the OP's reluctance to admit that he has in fact done something wrong, however, in light of the other points he makes, I think not. I am imagining a constant stream of questioning his behaviour from her, be it small or big things, thus leading to his assessment that she is insecure. Discussing our wants and needs is one thing, but blaming someone else and complaining non-stop about every single thing someone else does is not normal and one wonders if she's that dissatisfied with her boyfriend why is she there herself? Why doesn't she just leave? She never backs down and apologizes until she gets me furious - because she's not looking for an apology, she's so consumed with her own anger that she needs to make someone else feel the same way she does I'm still going for my borderline personality disorder theory based on the above, but let's see what the OP says. 1
aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'm sorry, but you can guarantee theres a lot more to it than the dinner with uncle deal. Maybe she does overreact, and yes I'm one to do this so I can relate, BUT, maybe you are being insensitive towards her feelings. Its not right if she is constantly seeking attention, and has a fear of being alone, but especially being a woman, she may expect a little more sensitivity. Not saying you are not doing this, I don't know what all your disagreements are over. With my ex, I know I overreacted at times, but he also was being incredibly inconsiderate. I feel like at times I made a big deal of out things, that may have seemed like "little" things and were ridiculous. He was no doubt being a jacka**, not saying you are. From what you are saying, it does sound she may be exacerbating the arguments more than they should be.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I still think though that for me in the original post there are some alarm bells, I know we're only getting one side of the story here...however what Phateless said was: I just can't take it anymore - he is at snapping point due to the same behaviour over and over and over again, with no apparent solution If I apologize, she keeps pushing the issue until she gets me furious - she gets angry, he feels bad, apologises, but she doesn't want an apology, she wants an argument, hence, to her the apology is meaningless, it's not what she wants, she wants drama and will go to any lengths to get the drama she requires. This goes around in circles - cycle of abuse, I blame you, you apologise, I get angry and push you until you get angry, you get angry, I blame you for getting angry and then it starts all over again. She brings up little stuff that upsets her and wants to talk it out with no regard to her being insecure DESPITE me doing nothing wrong - maybe this indicates the OP's reluctance to admit that he has in fact done something wrong, however, in light of the other points he makes, I think not. I am imagining a constant stream of questioning his behaviour from her, be it small or big things, thus leading to his assessment that she is insecure. Discussing our wants and needs is one thing, but blaming someone else and complaining non-stop about every single thing someone else does is not normal and one wonders if she's that dissatisfied with her boyfriend why is she there herself? Why doesn't she just leave? She never backs down and apologizes until she gets me furious - because she's not looking for an apology, she's so consumed with her own anger that she needs to make someone else feel the same way she does I'm still going for my borderline personality disorder theory based on the above, but let's see what the OP says. You pretty much nailed it, PB. She doesn't mean her apologies. She apologizes and then invalidates it by explaining herself some more, often in the same sentence. "I'm sorry, BUT..." This has been going on for about a year (we've been together 1.5 years) Most of the time she's upset over something I've done (but these are usually things that nobody else would consider "wrong"). Sometimes she's upset over something I did do wrong but I make every effort to admit that and disarm her right away. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes she pushes it and we fight. Fact is, I resent her that I make it easy when she needs to talk but she's impossible when I want to talk. Now I feel like I shouldn't make it easy on her and am beginning to be difficult out of spite. I am losing my cool and am beginning to doubt my own ability to be assertive. The dinner example: -she had NOT cooked. -I let her know much earlier in the day - several hours at least -I told her 8:00 pm -she texted me around 7:00 (maybe??) saying she was upset that I ditched her again (a couple nights before i came over real late cuz I was out with my little sis for her b-day) -i got upset at her for raising drama again because we had already talked about it earlier that day and she said she understood. Why wouldn't she?
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Question: why do you agree to have her make you dinner if you are already committed to possibly having dinner with your uncle? Nip it in the bud and she won't have any excuse to go off the deep end. If she is still unreasonable about that then yeah you have a real needy person on your hands.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 PB, with all due respect, I've been following Phate's threads about his GF and their "fights," and it is NOT one-sided, at all. Would greatly appreciate your perspective! If you link another thread, do it in a PM? I don't want to clutter this thread. Thanks so much SG! I haven't posted much about her in the past year. Just want to make sure you're not confusing her and my ex.
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Question: why do you agree to have her make you dinner if you are already committed to possibly having dinner with your uncle? Nip it in the bud and she won't have any excuse to go off the deep end. If she is still unreasonable about that then yeah you have a real needy person on your hands. Agreed to that earlier than the dinner with Uncle was scheduled. Attempted to push back hanging out with her. (scheduled for 6:00 pm, wanted to make it 8:00 pm instead) Only wanted to push it back two hours, not cancel on her and she made it into a big thing. She was upset because she wanted to make me a nice dinner and I wouldn't be there for that.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yuck, she souns like pretty intense person, filled with insecurities, worries and concerns. Also, seems abit immature..Wanting to 'talk talk talk' all the time. She needs to relax and just enjoy the moment, not get into it so much. Honestly, I would end it soon, unless you're totally inlove with her..But, it sounds like you're not and it's just a matter of time before it ends either way.
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Agreed to that earlier than the dinner with Uncle was scheduled. Attempted to push back hanging out with her. (scheduled for 6:00 pm, wanted to make it 8:00 pm instead) Only wanted to push it back two hours, not cancel on her and she made it into a big thing. She was upset because she wanted to make me a nice dinner and I wouldn't be there for that. Did you agree to push it back 2hrs or did you just show up 2hrs late? Big difference there. Plus, if you were already having dinner with your uncle why in the world would she insist on also cooking you dinner and you agree to go with that!?!? That's sounds ridiculous to me. 1
Author Phateless Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Did you agree to push it back 2hrs or did you just show up 2hrs late? Big difference there. Plus, if you were already having dinner with your uncle why in the world would she insist on also cooking you dinner and you agree to go with that!?!? That's sounds ridiculous to me. Made plans with her first. THEN plans were made for Uncle dinner. Rescheduled with girl several hours before the original time had arrived. Girl flipped out before new time arrived. Make sense?
butcher's hook Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yeah dude what you are saying is what I thought, even though it doesn't make sense, just wanted to make extra sure I understood it correctly before I said what I want to say next. It's your fault man, you acted totally inconsiderate if you made plans with her to have dinner then you cut your uncle short or tell her the day of that dinner will not mesh because you HAVE to meet your uncle which is totally fine and understandable. If you are pssyfooting around her trying to make everyone happy this is what you end up with. You don't keep the plan and then show up two hours late for her dinner. :rolleyes: 1
aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 OMG, I can't stop posting tonight, but I wanted to make another comment about this thread. To the last post, this sounds a little similiar my ex. He did things like this. He would try to please EVERYONE, and there were a few times i remember, he would basically put me last, and someone else before me. He did this more than once. I realize family is important, but come on. If you already had plans with her first, then why would you not just tell your uncle you already had plans? It makes her feel unimportant. She still may have overreacted, but who wants to feel like the last priority on your list. 1
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