delajoonal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 ok, so here is what is running around in my head these days... how does one move on from a spouse that has left and NOT said WHY? have any of you dealt with or are dealing with this trauma? i say trauma...because IT is so devastating to have your spouse walk away after 14 years together and then some... my H had an online EA, but it only lasted 3 weeks and it was over... the OW cut it off.... long story short...my H left anyway...why? i know he was still in that EA FOG and SO NOT himself...it is very weird to hear him talk or see him, he doesn't even LOOK like my H anymore.. anyway...we are unable to speak...he is very hostile these days.. and has NEVER EVER given me a reason to date or anything on WHY he left??? how are you all dealing with this? ack! it is an awful feeling...another LS member posted it is almost like my H is dead, and so i can't talk with him or get any answers to my questions, etc... thanks all...in reality i sure hope none of you are dealing with this sort of break up/separation/divorce....but, kinda hoping there is at least one member that knows what i am talking about? and can help explain how they are dealing with it? thanks again...
lupa Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 ok, so here is what is running around in my head these days... how does one move on from a spouse that has left and NOT said WHY? have any of you dealt with or are dealing with this trauma? i say trauma...because IT is so devastating to have your spouse walk away after 14 years together and then some... my H had an online EA, but it only lasted 3 weeks and it was over... the OW cut it off.... long story short...my H left anyway...why? i know he was still in that EA FOG and SO NOT himself...it is very weird to hear him talk or see him, he doesn't even LOOK like my H anymore.. anyway...we are unable to speak...he is very hostile these days.. and has NEVER EVER given me a reason to date or anything on WHY he left??? how are you all dealing with this? ack! it is an awful feeling...another LS member posted it is almost like my H is dead, and so i can't talk with him or get any answers to my questions, etc... thanks all...in reality i sure hope none of you are dealing with this sort of break up/separation/divorce....but, kinda hoping there is at least one member that knows what i am talking about? and can help explain how they are dealing with it? thanks again... This is exactly where I am, and this is exactly why I'm practically useless in everything I do. I cannot turn it off, it doesn't make sense. Nothing she told me about it makes sense, so I can't compartmentalize it and put it away. It is out there in front of me every second of every day. No closure here, dela. I know what you're going through. This is just awful.
Author delajoonal Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 i'm sorry lupa for you too...it IS a strange feeling, huh? i am one of those 'organized' people, everything has ITS place, etc... but THIS...there is NO place for IT...and i can't figure IT out to find a place for IT... you know what i mean right..
lupa Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Yeah -- if this made any sense at all I could just let it go. There is no closure when it doesn't make sense. That is why making the comparison to death seems to be the only option -- because that rarely makes sense, and it looks like the grieving process is similar.
Thaddeus Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Here's the thing about this mythical "closure" that seems to be yearned for with such zeal: There is not such thing as closure. It's just "Oprah-speak" for "getting the last word." The "why" is irrelevant. The "what" is the only thing that matters. And the "what" is the fact that, rightly or wrongly, for better or worse, the relationship is over. Yes, that's sad and it's heartbreaking but yearning for some mythical "closure" will not make one bit of difference to your pain. The "closure" you need will not be found through someone else. Makes no difference what the other party says, there will always be one more question, one more accusation, one more thing you think you should have said. It never ends until YOU decide it ends. Closure will only come from within yourself. YOU decide when the heartache stops. YOU decide when you've had enough pining for the other party. YOU decide how long you stay down in the dumps. None of this has anything whatsoever to do with anyone else other than yourself.
LisaUk Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I just posted you a reply on my thraed Dela. The way I think I have found my way through this issue (or so I hope), is to do some reading, go back over the relationship with fresh eyes.
Author delajoonal Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 well, i guess that is what this site is all about...opinions...thank you thad..for yours:) however, when i am making my H's lunch one day, love that night and the next he says he is leaving...UM ya, i think i NEED SOME ANSWERS!!!! i wasn't kidding what i said, he kissed me goodbye on his way to work and said i love you sweetie, then the next day..he walked out... so i think there are different answers for certain circumstances! and tho you are right, there will always be ONE more question unanswered or one more accusation...i do believe i deserve MORE than just H walking out with NOTHING NOTTA an effen word!!!! and now..i get called names..WHY???? who knows..i have been so disgustingly kind, loving and nice...you would think I WAS THE ONE that walked out....that is how mean he is being to me now...but the mean part, i am thinking is because of alimony...he is paying for IT that way;)
LisaUk Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Yes, it kind of equates to those spouses you hear of on sitcoms that just go to the shops for milk and NEVER come back! Left you a reply re this on my thread Dela.
broken hearted Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Dela, I feel like our stories are very very similar! My husband did the exact same thing! He was home one day saying, "I love you more than anything!" and the next day he up and left, went to his friends house and didn't come home. The next day he wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts and finally sent me a text late afternoon that said he was very hurt and angry by things I've done and said and needed some space and time to think....WHAT!?!?!? I had no idea anything was even wrong! Since then, things have gotten worse and worse! It's so difficult bc to this day I feel like I still haven't gotten answers as to what the hell actually happened and why he left! Like you, all I want to know is why? The pain is so intense, feeling as though I have been abandoned and I have no idea why! If things were wrong or if he was upset about something, he should have taken whatever measures were necessary to make me aware of them so we could work through it, not just run away from it! Clearly my vows meant something different to me than his did to him!
Author delajoonal Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 broken... aww..the vows...see i am a true believer that marriage is a covenant NOT a contract...and that in 13 years, sure there were times when i was NOT so in love with my H..but did i leave, NO... see now i believe in God, i have Spirituality, and Faith, so our vows were huge to me....it was said in front of God and about God...but somewhere along this marriage, my H stopped believing..in BOTH... lisaUK turned me on to a website about MLC, midlife crisis...Oh man...it is amazing.. i am just riveted by this website and what this woman has written..IT is as tho the author wrote IT about MY H.... please please go read it..i am sure you ALL will find some answers there? i can tell you for sure, that i have found MANY MANY answers to this mess..i can't even tell you how grateful i am for lis posting it! well, i did tell her..LOL anyway, go to lisaUK original post and it should be near the bottom..she listed the website link/address there.... let me know what you think? anyone can contact me via the private messaging system via LS, as they (LS) does not like us to post person to person comments, it leaves other members out..? etc... i got in trouble a few months back..BEFORE i knew of that rule... anyway.....it is written by a woman mostly for women...BUT she does state that it can be for women too...so you men out there with walk a way wife syndrome...might get something from IT too???? it just has so many answers...
broken hearted Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 How old is your husband? Mine will only be 28 next month! He couldn't possibly be going through a midlife crisis can he? If so, gosh, he won't live long.
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'm 20 years the other side of where your at? And I still don't know why? All I ever got was "You've got to change!" This all went down back before the internet, e-mail, LoveShack, MarriageBuilders, DivorceBusting, Ya~da, Ya~da about! One thing I was Hell-bound For Leather about? I'd be damned if I would sit in the old folks home talking about my first, second, third or fourth ex-wife! No doubt? Being a career Marine didn't help matters? Nor did Beirut, nor did the First Gulf War, nor did Panama, nor Cuba, nor Hurricane Andrew. Rwanda, Nicaragua, Honduras,................................... Parris Island was a Bitch! As a 'marksmen" coach, As a Primary Marksmanship Insructor "PMI" or as a DI! It sucked!
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 How old is your husband? Mine will only be 28 next month! He couldn't possibly be going through a midlife crisis can he? If so, gosh, he won't live long. Usually from 40 onwards, although it is possible form about 30 years old, some experts do believe it is possible in the 20's but that is extremely rare. It isn't possible that everyone on here's spouse is in MLC, but I do believe some of the members spouses are, from what I have read on peoples posts. All of us have to go through midlife transition, it is a part of the psychological processes of life, some go into crisis. It is these people that demonstrate the crazy "youthful" behaviour and projection. Abondaning their spouses, jobs, children etc. Broken, I don't think your H is in MLC, I'm not sure what is up with him, but I do know you deserve much better than the way he has treated you.
tojaz Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 broken... anyway.....it is written by a woman mostly for women...BUT she does state that it can be for women too...so you men out there with walk a way wife syndrome...might get something from IT too???? it just has so many answers... Agreed, My wife walked away and I found a lot of answers on that website. She is only 30 but matches up to a tee, so much as matching examples word for word. It he;ps a ;ittle to understand what has happened, but it dosen't take the pain away. TOJAZ
broken hearted Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Right now, I'm convinced my pain will never go away and that I will love this man as much as I do now until the day I die! I still just don't understand any of it and that's what makes the pain so intense...the not knowing, the waiting, the limbo, the betrayal, the abandonment...I guess everything is painful! I was doing pretty well sleeping for a while but I am back to waking up 2, 3, 4 times in the middle of the night and just thinking about the whole situation and how much I miss my husband!
Author delajoonal Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 broken... my H is 39...we got married when he was only 25 years old..i had an 8 year old child and i was 30 years old...my H has always since he was a kid, had that old man mentality..just an old soul...quiet, mellow, never really acted like 25 year old boys act...my son is 23 now, and now HE does act like a 20 something crazy kid still...lol but my H never did...see, i knew my H when he was a kid...long story short, we kinda grew up together...can't say too much for giving away too much about myself (LS Rules). anyway, Lis is right, NOT everyone is going to be dealing with the MLC, but i can say for SURE that MY H is...and boy, it is more clear and evident daily... i had no NC for 6 days, had to contact yesterday for legal papers/reasons... and he just started right in...geesh...a week goes by..and H i still in that Monster mode...now today, his texts seem to be in HIS SELF mode...hard to explain... anyway, being your H is in his 20's still, the reasons could be so vast? i would just get myself some IC and keep posting here and join a group in your area... and then with time, maybe your H will sit down and give you what you need to move on ..either way:) good luck... keep posting K..
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I agree Dela, from what you have said in your posts, sounds like your H is MLC to me!
Author delajoonal Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 LOL...BOY OH BOY IS HE!!! thank you again lis...i am telling you...i sooo needed those answers..i even showed my friend last night and when she saw that pic..you know the one..she just about passed out..LOL...she even said it sounds like it was written about my H.. this friend..she is the that introduced us...funny thing was, we knew each other when we were kids..LOL...another story..more private, if you wanna know..message me via the private LS system ..dont' want to get in trouble again..cause i SOO need this board..lol
LakesideDream Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Dela, "Closure" is something made up by Dr. Phil and Oprah. Closure doesen't exist in the real world. Before Phil and Oprah we just hitched up our belts and moved on. Now when someone dumps one of us we expect that person to soothe us, explaing their reasons, in essence supply us with an emotional parachute. That's NUTS! Do your best. Meet everyday as best you can. Don't expect the miracle of "closure". Closure was made up to sell commercial time on television.
Author delajoonal Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 lakeside...i see we all have different views and ideas and that is what makes this board so interesting...but honestly, i can say i have never even watched/listened to either of those people (dr. phil/oprah) from what i have seen in bits and pieces, i just didn't like either one... closure to me means TO ME something i have NOT elaborated on... not sure if you read ANY of my posts starting from 5 months ago... but ALL situations are different..and there are a few of us on here that our spouses actually JUST LEFT.just left!! ..these stories have been posted in the past few days in other threads.... so, i believe to each we have our OWN idea of closure... although we all have an opinion, i feel that your comment to ME personally was a little hostile and short sided...which is really NOT like you...i have followed YOUR posts for several months, even before i posted originally on LS....so i am little surprised at your brazen tone:( i am actually in hopes of a miracle.. as i believe God has a plan for me....so if my H comes back to me, its a miracle, if i make it out the other side in one piece, without my H coming back to me, that too will be a miracle... see, i am VERY fragile these days...and i realize there are mostly men on this site, that have been jaded by their walk a way wives....but i am NOT one of those wives..i was faithful, never cheated, never lied, cleaned cooked and all the bedroom stuff and in between...that was not the problem...so my H says., H never has really said what THE PROBLEM was/is? maybe you can be just a little more caring to the women who just lost our H's...after all, women are more sensitive and like i said above, we aren't ALL the WAWS...we have been left, dumped and hurt horribly too...so kinder words would be appreciated...please:) after all, would you want to be the reason that someone who desperately NEEDS this website to heel and MOVE ON...to drop off because of the harsh posts left by you or some others?... thanks for reading Lake...and understanding from a broken hearted wife:(
tojaz Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Hi Dela, I have been reading for some time, but i don't think I've written you before. I understand what your looking for in closure. I am in the same boat with my walk away wife. Just up and left. I have the same desire to understand what has happened and where the woman i love has gone. The unfortunate truth is, we may never know the truth. Even more unfortunate is THEY may never know why. I've heard everything from it was what is best for me, to I am abusive. Every time something dosen't fit, she just replaces it with something else. The sad fact is, our spouses are dead. The people we love are nothing more then empty shells being occupied by something else. You may get all the excuses in the world, or nothing at all, it won't heal the pain and searching for answers just seems to prolong it. I am guilty of this many times over and have been miserable because of it. There is a lot of truth in the MLC sight that Lisa has been passing around, but the one thing I took from it more then anything else is, what makes sense to them will never make sense to us. TOJAZ
Author delajoonal Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 tojaz.... wow...for some reason YOUR post just really hit home with me... THANK YOU! i am crying..LOL..but it made sense..like YOU really got what i am feeling...and you are right, and by the by, thank you for putting IT in kind words, the fact that WE may never really know what went wrong, how or why..and when you stated that our spouses, the people we fell in love with are gone/dead...that is what reallly HIT ME HARD...cause it is sO darn true...my H is gone...OMG..now i can't stop crying.. sorry.. ok...he was the sweetest most gentle person i have ever known...i could go on about how wonderful he was to me and for me... now he is that crazy picture posted on the MLC site...he is so incredilbly mean and the verbal abuse is beyond what i can comprehend most days...i am sure some alien has abducted my sweet husband and replaced him with some mean horrible evil version of my H.... thank you again tojaz...i am glad i found your post tonight... i guess it really is time for me to move on.. ok, can't stop crying gotta go...
Gunny376 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Closure comes from within! Not without! Its comes from self acceptance of all your short comings, your flaws, your acceptance as a human being. It comes from your acceptance that your not perfect, your not the perfect human being! The acceptance that you were the best spouse, person, individual you possibly knew how to be at the time? Could you be a better spouse, person, individual than you were? Absolutely! But you weren't who you are now for the experience? The person you are now? Is because of the experience you've gone through! Would the person you are now? Have made the choices and decisions that the person you were back then? I doubt it! So cut yourself some slack, go easy on yourself! Quit beating yourself up! See it for what is? Its very much the dog chasing its own tail!
tojaz Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 tojaz.... wow...for some reason YOUR post just really hit home with me... THANK YOU! i am crying..LOL..but it made sense..like YOU really got what i am feeling...and you are right, and by the by, thank you for putting IT in kind words, the fact that WE may never really know what went wrong, how or why..and when you stated that our spouses, the people we fell in love with are gone/dead...that is what reallly HIT ME HARD...cause it is sO darn true...my H is gone...OMG..now i can't stop crying.. sorry.. ok...he was the sweetest most gentle person i have ever known...i could go on about how wonderful he was to me and for me... now he is that crazy picture posted on the MLC site...he is so incredilbly mean and the verbal abuse is beyond what i can comprehend most days...i am sure some alien has abducted my sweet husband and replaced him with some mean horrible evil version of my H.... thank you again tojaz...i am glad i found your post tonight... i guess it really is time for me to move on.. ok, can't stop crying gotta go... Yes Dela, I think I get it. It was the same for my wife. The woman she is now she would have hated before. I wrote this on my thread when it really hit home for me, I don't know if you already read it. I go back and read it sometimes, just to keep things clear in my head. Remember how she changed and what she has done. (also notice 13 years together) TOJAZ I realized yesterday, that I'm chasing ghosts. My wife as I knew her is dead. I fell in love with a selfless and compassionate person. A woman who loved her life, was creative and open. A woman who for 13 years our life still felt like a honeymoon. Plenty of romance and fun right up to the end. She is gone. Replaced with a woman i do not know. A woman who is cold and selfish, hurtful and cruel. A woman I do not like, A woman I cannot love.:( A good friend of mine wrote to the misses, very upset that she refused to be with me to help me through Allies death. Left me to fend for myself when I needed support. I didn't really expect much. Hope maybe but not expect. The wife sent me the response. It states pretty clear that she ws indifferent to how i was feeling. Came to my side out of obligation and left as soon as she could. With me in a heap on the floor. In the letter she tells me that this is compassion, to leave me alone and that she has a life waiting for her that she needs to get to. It also stated that I should be able to do the same, rather then grieve for Allie and the loss of my marriage. Pretty much said "GET OVER IT" because she already has. I reached out to her, for support, for ashoulder to cry on when i needed it. For a friend! She told me that it was in my best interest to go it alone. Told me that I ddin't understand how i felt, told me what I needed and that what I asked for myself was wrong. All I asked was to not be left alone. My wife would not do this, even a friend would not do this. my wife would have held me through the night, my wife would have felt the pain with me. My wife is gone! I need to accept that, what is left, I don't want. Something ugly has taken her beautiful body and i don't think she is coming back. She wanted to find herself, and what she found scares the hell out of me. Now I have another death to grieve.:o
tojaz Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Dela, You might want to check out this book. Obviously it will not give you any specific answers but it covers a lot of what happens psychologicly on both ends to contribute to the break up. Why it seems so sudden and why they deal so much better then those left behind. I found it somewhat helpful to understand what she was going through as well as seeing what lies ahead. http://www.amazon.com/Uncoupling-Turning-Points-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0679730028 Tojaz
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