DustySaltus Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Story.... About ten years ago I met my ex fiance at a summer camp in NY. She is Israeli and I am American. We had a summer fling but she was my first love...I went away to school, she went back to Israel.....fast forward 8 years. I was on facebook one day and saw her as a "recommended friend" so I added her and we started having casual conversations for a few months, which led to phone calls and eventually me deciding that I wanted to visit there. At first it was for about 10 days, just to see the country and see her for a day or two. Well, I wound up staying at her place for about 3 weeks. About 4 days into the visit we got into a huge fight when she overheard me on the phone telling my friend that I was missing home a little bit....she told me that the entire thing was a mistake and told me to leave. Went to the airport, AT THE GATE....call her to say goodbye for good, she tells me NOT to gte on the plane. 2 hours and 400 angry passengers later, I hop in a cab back to the house. For the rest of the vacation everything was EXCELLENT and we addressed everything. She then came to NY for a month....... One again everything was great for the first few days...but she started to check my phone and questioned me about who female colleagues were...she walked out on me in the middle of dinner because of this. At this point I told her to pack her stuff and leave, I've had enough. She looked at me and told me....."You will be my Husband"...I just laughed and looked at her like she was crazy. We fot home, she started packing and once I heard that last zip of the bag, something came over me and I told her that I wanted her to stay. From that moment forward the rest of the trip was excellent..I mean she is a great woman, beautiful, smart and hilarious. The highs were the highest I ever had and the lows were the lowest. We went back and forth to visit each other a few times until the decision was made that I would move to Israel for various reasons that made sense with her at the time, but i can't really talk about. I was all set to quit my job, but in this economy and our turbulent history I decided to take a Leave of Absence instead, just in case something happened. We had an agreement that in one year if I was offered my dream job in America, we would consider moving back...more on this later. So I moved to Israel, went through the entire process of obtaining citizenship and the whole nine yards. Started looking for work over there and that was a job in its self, plus the salaries are not comparable to the US. It kind of had me down, because I wanted to be the MAN and contribute, but without knowing the language right away my immediate options were limited. In the meanwhile things with us were great, we really got to know each other a lot better and would stop disagreements right away before the escalated. We really learned from our mistakes. Then I received a call from that job a lot earlier than expected, they needed me in NY in one week. At this point she became different and told me that she didn't see herself moving in the next year if at all. I was devastated...I need to choose between a career and the woman of my dreams. I needed to make this decision in the next few days. Well, as it turns out she was checking my emails for a few weeks. She knew I hadn't quit my job and read emails to my mother saying that I was "thinking" (again, keyword "thinking") about maybe coming back. However, I was still in Israel trying to fight my way through things and breakthrough that initial culture shock. I asked her how she knew my password and she said that my computer was open. So when she left for work I sent an email to my friend on purpose saying..."im coming back tomorrrow:...well about an hour later she came back from work and told me to pack up and leave. She took my key, told me she never wanted to speak with me again and told me that she would send emails to both my job and dream job to tell them what kind of person I "really was". And I was just about to call my job and quit for good and put an end to any questions. Well, at that point I just got back on a plane to america. It turns out that she did send an email to my boss trying to get me fired. She won't give me the ring back and lied about sending it back in the mail a few times but the "address was wrong". She also told me that she was seeing someone else that treated her better than I ever did (and that was one week after I left..does this guy exist?!?!). I've been back for a few weeks now and am trying to figure out if this is really the end, considering all that has occured. Love is illogical sometimes and I know I should probably just move on, but at the same time I have no doubt that she was the love of my life. What should I do?
headlesschicken Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 dude this is the FOURTH time you've posted this. you need to chill out some.
Author DustySaltus Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 im asking a different question here.....why don't you offer some input instead of playing thread police.....yeah, i'm confused i'll be honest
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 The credits are rolling, the popcorn is crunching under people's feet as they stream to the exits. It was a good film and now it's over. Hope that helps
headlesschicken Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 geez, i'm sorry. i just saw what appeared to be a very long, copy and pasted post, and i had seen it three times before, and did not care to read through the entire thing looking for a "different" question. my apologies.
Author DustySaltus Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 There's no need to apologize...the question is whether or not I should go back over there at this point after all of that.
Island Girl Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 The credits are rolling, the popcorn is crunching under people's feet as they stream to the exits. It was a good film and now it's over. Hope that helps carhill is a wise soul. He is dead on here. Walk away from the drama and get over the extreme highs and extreme lows addiction that FEELS like a relationship (that isn't how a relationship that is going to last really IS - that is only dysfunction). It wasn't healthy and it would continue to be unhealthy. It is now as it should be: OVER.
mark982 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 you hardly know(knew?) her and she was checking your phone,hacking your computer,and on top of that checking up on you using her computer using your password! you really can't be that dense. RUN like you got a hot poker stuck in your rear end.
sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 you hardly know(knew?) her and she was checking your phone,hacking your computer,and on top of that checking up on you using her computer using your password! You really can't be that dense. Run like you got a hot poker stuck in your rear end. 100% agreed!!!!!!
Island Girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 you hardly know(knew?) her and she was checking your phone,hacking your computer,and on top of that checking up on you using her computer using your password! you really can't be that dense. RUN like you got a hot poker stuck in your rear end. I think you missed that the initial recontact was TWO YEARS ago. They now know each other pretty well. That said it is no excuse for all of the betrayal and communication issues that plagued this relationship. You should be glad it's over and move on to someone else.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yikes, blessing in disguise much? This woman would be the death of you if you married her. I know some people thrive on passion and a little drama in between, but this is down right insanity. You'll see - in time, anyway - that this was for the better.
mark982 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 island girl,i didn't miss nothing. they had a 2 month fling,a 3 week visit,one month visit,and flying back and forth a few times.which really can't be considered a relationship,except long distance.so really the one time he does opt to move and try to make a relationship, she turns out to be a nut case.personally i would of tossed her butt to the curb on her first visit when she was going through my phone,that showed her true colors.but now add in her calling his future employer to m.f. him, this lady has serious problems and she needs to be avoided at all costs.
Author DustySaltus Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 The saddest thing here is that she thinks because she found certain things in my emails that she didn't like she was JUSTIFIED in checking them and now she says that she could never trust ME..talk about the pot calling the kettle black. But for some crazy reason I still miss her incredibly.
Island Girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 The saddest thing here is that she thinks because she found certain things in my emails that she didn't like she was JUSTIFIED in checking them and now she says that she could never trust ME..talk about the pot calling the kettle black. But for some crazy reason I still miss her incredibly. So you didn't go there and arrive with a lie in tow? You told her you quit your job, right? So that in itself would lean toward you not being trustworthy, correct? She snooped through you phone and e-mails so that causes you not to be able to trust her. That makes absolute sense. But I don't think it would bother you as much if you had nothing at all to hide. For the record, if my husband wanted to see my e-mails I couldn't care less and I'd give him the passwords myself with no hesitation. There are trust issues on both sides and immature behavior on both sides. She is prone to freakish outbursts that escalate in intensity each time (and they started at an 8 out of 10 to begin with). You don't communicate well with each other. So that plus the HUGE issues you'd have to work out spells an impossibility. This is the kind of "love story" that has a spousal murder at the end of it. Just be DONE dude. Move on and quit looking back at the shyte storm.
Author DustySaltus Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 She knew that I was going to try and continue to work from over there so it wasn't that I was unsure, it was that I was I wanted to have money coming in. I had absolutely NOTHING to hide at all....but personal emails to my mother, i'd rather not let anyone see no matter what they say. If she asked to see my emails I would let her because again I have nothing to hide whatsoever. I just feel that it makes sense to maintain a little personal space. I suggested that we needed to go to counseling a few times but she is just too proud of a person. I am too but I let my pride go for the sake of us and said lets get help. She has admitted that she had trust issues but whenever she looked for something in the past it was in vain, because she found nothing. Now she finds emails to my mom and job AFTER we get engaged and just kicks me right out. I never cheated, put things upfront she just wanted to hurt me before I hurt her by taking that job in a year when she had no intention on moving back. As far as what type of "love story" this is, I think the way you are describing it is a little far fetched.....when she kicked me out, I said lets sit down and talk...not only did she not respond but she threatened to ruin my career. You know what I did......I walked out the door, didn't say a word.
Island Girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 As far as what type of "love story" this is, I think the way you are describing it is a little far fetched.....when she kicked me out, I said lets sit down and talk...not only did she not respond but she threatened to ruin my career. You know what I did......I walked out the door, didn't say a word. The way you reacted to her kicking you out isn't really the issue. Her threatening to ruin your career and following through is an indicator as is all of it. Now that you are back in the US watch a few episodes of "Snapped". Women killing their husbands/boyfriends/lovers. Her actions and reactions are way over the top and shows she acts without really thinking - not only that but sending that e-mail to your boss was an attempt to get at you to seek retribution or make you "pay" somehow for what she feels you did. This kind of action is along the same lines as the actions of women who do murder their SOs. It is caused by the same type of thinking. On your side looking at going back to the relationship shows you are bought in to the drama. There comes a point where a person steps away. You passed that point and are still thinking of jumping back in. Believe me I am not trying to bash you. I am just trying to open your eyes to how bad all of this really is and how much worse it easily could get. This girl has no boundaries as far as passionate behavior. And this is why the murders caused by such thought patterns are called crimes of passion.
Author DustySaltus Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I understand where you are coming from, sometimes I feel that I am past the point and should count my lucky starts but at other times like at this moment when I slipped up and looked at her picture, I feel like somehow I messed up a good thing and want to try and make things work. I need to get past this point because I'm going back in forth in my head between......"its really over and i need to try and salvage something"..how do I go about this? But I guess based on what she has done so far, if I really did something to piss her off, who knows what the stakes may be.
Island Girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I understand where you are coming from, sometimes I feel that I am past the point and should count my lucky starts but at other times like at this moment when I slipped up and looked at her picture, I feel like somehow I messed up a good thing and want to try and make things work. I need to get past this point because I'm going back in forth in my head between......"its really over and i need to try and salvage something"..how do I go about this? You go NC forever. No matter what. Go to the NC buddy thread here and get one. The two of you can empathize and rant to each other but talk each other down when you feel like you are going to say "Ef It" and contact her. IT WOULD BE A MISTAKE. You will have bad days. But they get fewer and far between as you go on. And get into working out, your hobbies, and your friends. Keep busy. And you haven't been able to be around your friends in a LONG time so get going on catching up. Make those plans for in person hanging out. But I guess based on what she has done so far, if I really did something to piss her off, who knows what the stakes may be. Even if you did nothing but it was perceived you did you'd have cause to worry. Who knows what she is really capable of especially if you did become her husband - then she may feel as though she should go to the Nth degree to get you back - including harming you or causing you to cease breathing.
Author DustySaltus Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 First let me say thanks for your insight, i really appreciate it. What do I do when that inevitable call comes from her a month from now saying she's sorry?
Island Girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 First let me say thanks for your insight, i really appreciate it. What do I do when that inevitable call comes from her a month from now saying she's sorry? If I am speaking from my viewpoint you are past the point of no return. NC means NC. If she calls - you don't answer (I'd change my number and block her e-mail address - if there is a chance of her getting a different e-mail addy and contacting you I'd shut down the e-mail), if she leaves a message don't listen to it BUT if you can't help it you are still in NC which means no matter what is said you do not call back. You do not have contact in any way shape or form. I'd block any way possible that she could. Delete Facebook, MySpace pages, etc. A clean break. Hopefully lessons learned.
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