Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 This is what I mean about immature. I agree with you not sounding remoresfull, only dissatisfied with not getting the whole stiff weenie and so, immaturely you ran to an ex boyfriend to get your rocks off. Most mature adults wouldn't do that. And if you can't talk about the situation, then there are obviously communication issues in the relationship. I mean, what do you do when it goes limp? Ignore it? Turn over? How about "sweetie, we need to talk about this. I am worried about you and since I know you won't bring this up, I am going to. Let's get you an appt with a doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with you. I don't want to lose you to something that may have been able to be prevented if caught in time." I mean, how can you guys NOT talk about it?? When he goes limp, sometimes we both try to get it back up again, in different ways. But there are those times where he would get completely frustrated and turn over. I haven't turned over. I don't want him to think that I pity him or think of him as less than (and I don't). Very good dialogue. That is actually a very good way of saying it, without actually SAYING it.
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 you sound very immature, you talk about cheating like its no big deal. You should dump him and be alone until you can learn what a relationship is really about
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 In your situation Jam, it isn't like that. You don't love, respect or deeply care about your boyfriend. Is it possible he's cheating on you as well? How do you know that, whichway? Have you never made a mistake in a relationship? Is it because I am not leaning on your shoulder crying or saying so in these posts? In the 3 years I have been with him, I have NEVER given of myself to anyone but him. Something is wrong, he doesn't want to talk about it, and me being human, woman, and thinking about the present and not the future, I made a mistake. A mistake that is WILL NOT be repeated. I know that what I did was wrong, and I do regret it. But is it impossible to imagine for one second that I am a person too? Is it all so black and white? That I cheated, therefore I am a whore? Think of me as your best friend, your sister, your aunt - is this the same advice you would give to them?
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 It will only work if those involved truly love eachother, no matter what.. In your situation Jam, it isn't like that. You don't love, respect or deeply care about your boyfriend. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing what you're doing..Or you'd be beating yourself up, feeling awful and guilty, which you don't. Let him go so you both can find happiness with other people. Is it possible he's cheating on you as well? Even when they love each other, those relationships can be very trying. Unless the people meet when they're older and more mature, a huge age gap is usually very bad. Especially when the woman is in her 20's. This is simply a bad mix most of the time. I'm not saying it never works, I'm just saying that the majority of the time, a woman that young will get bored with an older man. It happens over and over again - men and women seem to never learn. If they're just looking for a good time - great. But if they're looking for something lasting, it's a huge gamble and I've seen it too many times - most of the time they end because of the age gap.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 When he goes limp, sometimes we both try to get it back up again when that happens, instead of trying again, change the pace. Do massages, cuddle and talk. Put 'sex' on hold until/IF he wants to try again. I'm sorry if I came off harshly... Imagine how your boyfriend would feel if he finds out you cheated on him. Doesn't matter what I think at all, or anyone else here. It counts what HE will feel and think. That's the bottomline. I said what I said because you mentioned you don't feel any remorse in cheating on your bf with your ex. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. A bad choice... Doesn't mean you're a bad person.
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 How do you know that, whichway? Have you never made a mistake in a relationship? Is it because I am not leaning on your shoulder crying or saying so in these posts? In the 3 years I have been with him, I have NEVER given of myself to anyone but him. Something is wrong, he doesn't want to talk about it, and me being human, woman, and thinking about the present and not the future, I made a mistake. A mistake that is WILL NOT be repeated. I know that what I did was wrong, and I do regret it. But is it impossible to imagine for one second that I am a person too? Is it all so black and white? That I cheated, therefore I am a whore? Think of me as your best friend, your sister, your aunt - is this the same advice you would give to them? It's good to know that you don't intend to continue cheating but maybe I misunderstood earlier that you did intend to continue cheating and try to decide what to do. I don't really think this is a matter of you not loving or caring deeply about your bf. I think it's simply that there is something seriously wrong between the two of you, and the lack of desire on his part to resolve it. And, yes, I do think it's very possible that he's cheating on you, or that he's interested in someone else. Usually, walking out the door is a great way to wake him up and get a conversation started....
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Also, please don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say or even think anything like whore while writing to you. I was trying to wake you up so you can see what you're doing. So many people get wrapped up in their own emotions, become selfish and forget that they're hurting their partner/spouse. Again, sorry that I was harsh, I just hope that you understand that if he finds out, the devastation he'll feel, let alone the trust and faith he has in you will be gone. THAT is what should matter to you, not what I think or anyone else on here.
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Whichway - I guess it came out the wrong way, so much is lost in translation when writing in forums. I didn't think you were calling me a whore, I was just trying to prove a point. It's not a simple cut and dry, there is a bigger picture. Angel - No I don't want to cheat again. I want to be with my boyfriend intimately. He is a very good lover (I taught him well ;o) ). I need to talk to him, but he is SO closed off, and it is such a delicate situation. No man can handle that talk well. That is why I came here, to seek advice on how I can talk to him. And to vent because I did cheat, and I won't tell him, but I had to tell somebody.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yes, there is a bigger picture here..But going outside of your relationship is not going to fix the problem. It's only going to make it worse. Tell your ex not to contact you and that what happened between you two isn't going to ever happen again.. Tell your current boyfriend that you love him and want things to get better. Maybe if he knew how much this is affecting the relationship with you, he'll seek counselling, with you and also on his own (see his family Dr, or do sex therapy too)..Something that will help him mentally..I'm sure inside he's hurting and probably feeling depressed that he can't peform the way he wants to. Take it slow..Instead of having an evening in bed and having sex, have a bath together and give eachother massages. Do some touching and let it build up but don't have sex. Maybe less pressure to have the big bang sex at the end isn't in his head, he'll relax more and just enjoy fooling around.. One thing and I have to ask. Would your ex tell your boyfriend? It's just that if your bf finds out on his own, it's going to be worse than you confessing.
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I don't get the impression that you really have a good relationship with him because you wouldn't have been so nonchalant about cheating on him. But I'll go with what you're saying - you're there, I'm not. If you really want to be with him, then become completely disinterested in sex, and also become disinterested and bored with any illusion to conversations about "the relationship". Don't explain yourself at all. If he asks you about it, pretend you hadn't noticed the change in yourself and blow it off. His own ego and mind will become his own worst enemy and he'll begin thinking of all the reasons why you have lost interest in sex - he's horrible in bed, you're sick of his impotence problems, you're cheating on him (although he'd be right about that), he's too old for you, blah, blah, blah. After a short while, he should be bouncing off the walls to be with you. Men are very predictable - they always want what they can't have. If that doesn't wake him up, then he's cheating on you, or he has lost interest in you.
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Take it slow..Instead of having an evening in bed and having sex, have a bath together and give eachother massages. Do some touching and let it build up but don't have sex. Maybe less pressure to have the big bang sex at the end isn't in his head, he'll relax more and just enjoy fooling around.. One thing and I have to ask. Would your ex tell your boyfriend? It's just that if your bf finds out on his own, it's going to be worse than you confessing. We haven't tried this. I will give it a shot - thanks. I seriously don't think that my ex will tell my current - I think that is why I went to him.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Mention it to the ex anyway. For all you know, he may ask you for sex again, call or come by and see you..never say never.. Anyway, talk to your boyfriend.
Athena Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 How can I talk to him about this? You should be able to desensitize him to the subject of sex. Of course, being a guy, he must have spent a fair amount of time thinking about it at least, if not talking about it... so... try by watching some porn together? Or looking at sex manuals? Or playboy/playgirl... if you do it and talk about it, in a non-embarrassed way, eventually he will feel more comfortable with speaking about sex as a subject, and about what turns you on etc, heaven forbid he's going limp because of something that is turning him off in the bedroom, but he feels he cannot tell you!
Athena Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 He is a very good lover (I taught him well ;o) ). in the three years that you have been with him, has he always had this impotence problem? Or did it start recently? Any stress he is under, that you know of? Can you link the start of the problem to anything else going on?
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 There is such a huge double standard on LS. If a man came on here and said his wife isn't having sex with him so he hooked up with his secretary, he would be skinned alive.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 There is such a huge double standard on LS. If a man came on here and said his wife isn't having sex with him so he hooked up with his secretary, he would be skinned alive. Resentment? Are you a part of this society at all? Have you noticed than men are congratulated on their success with large amounts of woman partners, and woman are slu.ts for the very same thing? C'mon. To the OP - it doesnt surprise me there's judgement being thrown left and right here - without actually taking in to account that you wouldnt be here if you didnt care, or you weren't concerned...or moreso, you were immature about it. You understand there's a problem and youre being VERY mature and level headed. Your actions may not be very well-minded but we make mistakes, we are ALL here to learn and grow (here as in, on this planet). I agree with the post that suggests you approach him sometime (not in bed obviously) and tell him you are concerned and need to talk about it. I wouldnt confess what you have done though, not if you want to stay with him.
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Resentment? Are you a part of this society at all? Have you noticed than men are congratulated on their success with large amounts of woman partners, and woman are slu.ts for the very same thing? C'mon. To the OP - it doesnt surprise me there's judgement being thrown left and right here - without actually taking in to account that you wouldnt be here if you didnt care, or you weren't concerned...or moreso, you were immature about it. You understand there's a problem and youre being VERY mature and level headed. Your actions may not be very well-minded but we make mistakes, we are ALL here to learn and grow (here as in, on this planet). I agree with the post that suggests you approach him sometime (not in bed obviously) and tell him you are concerned and need to talk about it. I wouldnt confess what you have done though, not if you want to stay with him. Oh please, anytime a woman cheats everyone wants to understand why she did it and figure out what is wrong in the relationship. If a man cheats we flame him. Look, you even wrote that she is being mature about it, what has she put on here that makes this mature? Her bf is going through a rough patch and can't talk about it, so she calls up her ex and screws him. Now she will just go on like nothing happen and you think that is mature. I think she said this problem has been happening for 5 months, does that mean if a couple are separated for 5 months its ok for both parties to sleep with other people? If a guy wrote something like this there would be 100 post about what a jerk he is, and how he should let his gf go so she can find someone worth being with. But now that it's a girl, all we are getting is "hey everybody makes mistakes". Which by the way, this was not a mistake. She planned it out, that is the exact opposite of a mistake.
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 any long term relationship will have periods where sex is low, but if you are serious about your relationship you don't cheat. If you are mature, you find away to help or you leave. Five months is nothing compared to what a lot of couples go through.
Owl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 40 is NOT too young to be dealing with ED. There are a huge number of underlying causes/issues that could be causing it. And at 40, he well COULD be prescribed Viagra or something similar. It seems to me that INSISTING that he get treated for this (at least see his doctor) would be a hugely better step than calling your ex up.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 fooled once- I may be young, but not immature. if you cheated, yes, you ARE immature. Mature people don't go out and screw other people when they aren't getting what they want. They either try to work through the problem, or they leave the relationship. One mistake does not determine me so. it wasn't a mistake, you went LOOKING for sex with the other guy. You knew what you were doing and WANTED to do it. It wasn't a mistake.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yes, I love him. you cheated on him...so no....you don't.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 How do you know that, whichway? Have you never made a mistake in a relationship? again, not a mistake. you went looking for sex with an X. And even if you didn't go looking for it, you had sex because you wanted to have sex with someone else. Not a mistake. Quit trying to downplay what you did as if it was a mistake. YOU WANTED IT.
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