TheJam Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I have had the same boyfriend for 3 years. The relationship is overall pretty good, sure we have the occasional argument, but we have lots in common and a similar outlook on life. Mostly things are going well. There is one issue that remains larger than any other issues that cross our path. Lately, (as in the last 5 months or so) whenever we would be intimate, he would go limp. We try to get it back up, do different things, try different positions, rubbing, etc. But he can only get it up again maybe half the time - and its not for long. I don't show my disappointment, I am always truly excited when we are in bed, I am always eager to try and get him started again. But lately, I am getting tired of it (though I don't say anything). He is 40 (about 15 years my senior) and has always had a low sex drive. Last week, I called up an ex that always was able to provide what I needed in bed (and is closer to my age) and I cheated on my boyfriend. I am not leaning on my ex for any kind of support - emotional or otherwise. I feel kinda bad for cheating, but not enough to confess. All that being said, I just don't know what to do right now. I am looking towards my future with my boyfriend and I really don't want to have to try and kick start his engine ALL THE TIME. But I don't want to hurt him or get caught if I was to continue with an affair. I am just confused about my next step. Any advice????
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Any advice???? Sure. Have enough personal integrity, consideration and self-respect to honor the commitments you make and the strength to be honest with your partner when you can no longer make them. This would include communicating to him those things, like ED, which are dealbreakers for you. Don't be passive/aggressive by acting excited in bed with him and then extracting your revenge by cheating. That would be a start... Mr. Lucky
Author TheJam Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Don't be passive/aggressive by acting excited in bed with him and then extracting your revenge by cheating. That would be a start... Revenge? No. I am not trying to get back at him, especially for something that he has no control over! I don't think its HIS fault he can't get it up. I am not "acting" excited either, I am excited. I WANT to f**k my boyfriend, make no mistake of that. But I do respect your honesty and would like to communicate with him on this. He is old school though, REALLY uncomfortable with talking about sex. How do you think I can bring it up in a way that makes him comfortable AND not feel like it is his fault for what is happening?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Revenge? No. I am not trying to get back at him, especially for something that he has no control over! Then what motivated you to call your ex? Mr. Lucky
spiraling downward Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Revenge? No. I am not trying to get back at him, especially for something that he has no control over! I don't think its HIS fault he can't get it up. I am not "acting" excited either, I am excited. I WANT to f**k my boyfriend, make no mistake of that. But I do respect your honesty and would like to communicate with him on this. He is old school though, REALLY uncomfortable with talking about sex. How do you think I can bring it up in a way that makes him comfortable AND not feel like it is his fault for what is happening? I always thought I had that problem with my ex... with my MW, I have no problems at all... maybe your boyfriend isn't that into you? Have you considered that?
Author TheJam Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I always thought I had that problem with my ex... with my MW, I have no problems at all... maybe your boyfriend isn't that into you? Have you considered that? I have. He gets really excited when we get started. Literally, all we have to do is kiss and he is up. We can make out, have some foreplay, get things going and he is still up and everything is fine. Then somewhere in the middle.....
Author TheJam Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Then what motivated you to call your ex? Mr. Lucky The hormones in me wanted sex and well, penetration (from a human - not a toy). The woman in me wanted to know that it wasn't me or my body that turned him off and that I still had that ability to excite. Excuse my crudeness, there is no other way I can explain it.
spiraling downward Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I have. He gets really excited when we get started. Literally, all we have to do is kiss and he is up. We can make out, have some foreplay, get things going and he is still up and everything is fine. Then somewhere in the middle..... With your age difference, this might be harder for you to deal with. You will have to make a decision about whether you are willing to be patient with your older boyfriend... or if you need someone who is a bit more capable... I understand where you are coming from with this.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I feel kinda bad for cheating, but not enough to confess. just kinda? All that being said, I just don't know what to do right now. easy, break up with your boyfriend I am looking towards my future with my boyfriend and I really don't want to have to try and kick start his engine ALL THE TIME. looking to the future with a man that you felt the need to screw another guy behind his back? I don't care what you bf's problem is...he doesn't deserve this. But I don't want to hurt him or get caught if I was to continue with an affair. I am just confused about my next step. Any advice???? yes, again...break up with him and set him free from you. then you can go off and have all the sex you want with whoever you want.
fooled once Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 With your age difference, this might be harder for you to deal with. You will have to make a decision about whether you are willing to be patient with your older boyfriend... or if you need someone who is a bit more capable... I understand where you are coming from with this. OP - you sound very young and immature; which is why you turned to an ex instead of talking to your current boyfriend. As for age - 40 isn't 'old' I have a 52 year old husband who performs like an 18 year old Could be an actual HEALTH issue or he really isn't that into you or he has someone on the side and feels bad for being with you when he really wants to be with her???
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 My H apparently had some 'going limp' problems with his OW over the year they were together... I reckon from the guilt... he's NEVER had that issue, not once, with us -- either before, during, or after that A... my H is in his late forties... and LOL about age 40 being 'old school' in sex attitudes... I don't think so... ha ha... it must be an Individual attitude he has. Anyway, he should have himself checked out medically... has he ever had this problem before with others? Is it a psychological problem, or more? What does he think? Or do you mean to say you both ignore the Pink Elephant in the room?
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Do you love your boyfriend? Do you see a long term future with him? Marriage/kids etc? If NO, then walk away now so he can find love with someone else. You cheating on him isn't going to help this situation IF/WHEN he finds out. (just hope you used a condom, god forbid you give your bf something..) Anyway - It's your choice, but instead of cheating, why not just be HONEST with him and let him know how you feel? Buy a vibe so he can use it on you..That way you won't have to hurt/cheat/betray/lie to him.
norajane Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 and LOL about age 40 being 'old school' in sex attitudes... I don't think so... ha ha... it must be an Individual attitude he has. Yes, it's the "I'm too embarrassed to talk about why my weenie won't work" attitude. Being 40 means he was a kid during the free love 70's, a teen during the "Like a Virgin" Madonna years, and finished college right about the time Nirvanah was making the rounds in Seattle and Madonna was in her bondage/SEX book years. This is not "old school". He needs to see a doctor to check out what might be happening to him physically. 40 is too young to need Viagra. Is he on medication? Does he drink too much? That can make him go limp. And it's also possible that he went limp once or twice, and then it became this big huge psychological issue for him and now he's anxious whenever you get started that he's going to go limp again...so he ends up with a self-fulfilling prophecy and goes limp. You two need to talk about this. As for you running to your ex to get laid, sorry, but you are nowhere near ready for a "future" with anyone if that's how you deal with issues with your partner.
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 fooled once- I may be young, but not immature. One mistake does not determine me so. I do not think my boyfriend is old. I said he was old school, btw, congrats on your husband!
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Anyway, he should have himself checked out medically... has he ever had this problem before with others? Is it a psychological problem, or more? What does he think? Or do you mean to say you both ignore the Pink Elephant in the room? Athena - We both ignore the elephant in the room (if its pink, not so sure). Where he comes from (he is not from this country) they didn't talk about ANYTHING involving sex. No parent to child, no sex ed class, no nothing. He is even uncomfortable with me mentioning if I had a good time or liked the way he did something in bed. That is what I mean by 'old school', not the generation but the upbringing.
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Yes, it's the "I'm too embarrassed to talk about why my weenie won't work" attitude. Being 40 means he was a kid during the free love 70's, a teen during the "Like a Virgin" Madonna years, and finished college right about the time Nirvanah was making the rounds in Seattle and Madonna was in her bondage/SEX book years. This is not "old school". He needs to see a doctor to check out what might be happening to him physically. 40 is too young to need Viagra. Is he on medication? Does he drink too much? That can make him go limp. And it's also possible that he went limp once or twice, and then it became this big huge psychological issue for him and now he's anxious whenever you get started that he's going to go limp again...so he ends up with a self-fulfilling prophecy and goes limp. You two need to talk about this. Madonna, yes. Nirvana, eh. More like Pearl Jam for him. But like I said in my previous post, I am referring to the upbringing and not the generation or time period. He is not on any kind of medication and he doesn't drink - at all. I agree with the psychological aspect as well as maybe a possibility of physical. He won't see a doctor, hasn't been to one in years. Even when sick.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 So what are you gonna do, keep cheating, leave or turn towards your boyfriend in hopes that he'll open up to you. You shouldnt be so nonchalant about cheating. You just sound like a flakey woman who has no idea that her actions bring dire consequences. If the shoes was on the other foot and your man cheated it wouldnt be nice now would it? Make a choice!
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Do you love your boyfriend? Do you see a long term future with him? Marriage/kids etc? If NO, then walk away now so he can find love with someone else. You cheating on him isn't going to help this situation IF/WHEN he finds out. (just hope you used a condom, god forbid you give your bf something..) Anyway - It's your choice, but instead of cheating, why not just be HONEST with him and let him know how you feel? Buy a vibe so he can use it on you..That way you won't have to hurt/cheat/betray/lie to him. Yes, I love him. Marriage/kids? Not so sure, but that is his issue, not mine. I agree that the sex didn't help the situation, it was wrong of me, I never denied that. Of course I would use a condom, that's just stupid to mention. Did the vibe thing and some others, but he gets really discouraged and just doesn't want to anymore. How can I tell him that it is getting frustrating for me? After that, the intimacy is going to completely stop.
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 So what are you gonna do, keep cheating, leave or turn towards your boyfriend in hopes that he'll open up to you. You shouldnt be so nonchalant about cheating. You just sound like a flakey woman who has no idea that her actions bring dire consequences. If the shoes was on the other foot and your man cheated it wouldnt be nice now would it? Make a choice! I am not nonchalant about cheating, I am trying to be nonchalant about these posts and really try to see what these people are trying to say. You are stating the obvious (except for that flakey part). And I have been cheated on.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I am not nonchalant about cheating, I am trying to be nonchalant about these posts and really try to see what these people are trying to say. You are stating the obvious (except for that flakey part). And I have been cheated on. Really? Doesnt sound like your sorry for what you done. There's nothing to even indicates any type of remorse or any emotion other than how can you get away with it. And has your current boyfriend cheated on you or the ex???
Author TheJam Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I am sorry. I am not trying to get away with it. My ex and my ex before that. Not the current. How can I talk to him about this?
fooled once Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 This is what I mean about immature. I agree with you not sounding remoresfull, only dissatisfied with not getting the whole stiff weenie and so, immaturely you ran to an ex boyfriend to get your rocks off. Most mature adults wouldn't do that. And if you can't talk about the situation, then there are obviously communication issues in the relationship. I mean, what do you do when it goes limp? Ignore it? Turn over? How about "sweetie, we need to talk about this. I am worried about you and since I know you won't bring this up, I am going to. Let's get you an appt with a doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with you. I don't want to lose you to something that may have been able to be prevented if caught in time." I mean, how can you guys NOT talk about it??
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yes, I love him. Marriage/kids? Not so sure, but that is his issue, not mine. I agree that the sex didn't help the situation, it was wrong of me, I never denied that. Of course I would use a condom, that's just stupid to mention. Did the vibe thing and some others, but he gets really discouraged and just doesn't want to anymore. How can I tell him that it is getting frustrating for me? After that, the intimacy is going to completely stop. It isn't stupid to mention! There are some who have posted on here who don't use condoms, so yeah, I do agree with you, it's stupid, but it is fair of me to mention. You need to work on things with him, do counselling or seek couples therapy, sexual therapy together. If you don't, then you might as well end it with him because you can't keep cheating on him, eventually he'll find out.. Also, you're right, intimacy between you two will get less and less - and eventually you'll have to break up since sex is important to you. And that's OK, it's just that you haven't really sat down and talked to him. I understand his way of handing this isn't great, but you need to take the bull by the horn and explain to him why it's important he gets help, why communication has to happen between you two.
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 First of all, the fact that you don't feel all that bad about what you did pretty much says it all. Not to mention the fact that you most likely looked up your old flame with the intent to cheat, so your heart really isn't in your relationship. You need to just end things with your boyfriend. Despite the fact that the two of you have many things in common, it's not enough glue to make this relationship stick. There are always good things in every relationship - which is why we stay. But when the negative outweighs the good, it's time to face facts and do the tough thing. And don't waste your time trying to fix it or hoping things will get better. I can't tell you how much time I wasted in my life doing those very things. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Just move on. Something is definitely missing in your relationship - I think for you and for him. He's too young to have ED, and you're really too young to be with a 40-yr-old man. Think what this age gap will mean when you're 35 and he's 50; when you're 55 and he's 70. I've seen these relationships where there's a big age gap of 15 to 20 years and they are often very trying to both parties. And trust me when I tell you that it is so not worth it to stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. If you feel this way about him while you're dating, multiply that by 10 and that's how you'll feel if you marry him. Without all the hurtful confessions, just end things with him. This relationship isn't going to work for you and you need to stop wasting your time...and his.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 ve seen these relationships where there's a big age gap of 15 to 20 years and they are often very trying to both parties. It will only work if those involved truly love eachother, no matter what.. In your situation Jam, it isn't like that. You don't love, respect or deeply care about your boyfriend. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing what you're doing..Or you'd be beating yourself up, feeling awful and guilty, which you don't. Let him go so you both can find happiness with other people. Is it possible he's cheating on you as well?
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