Kezzie Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years (living together for 6yrs) and over the last year he has become pretty friendly with a girl he works with. I've mentioned before that it makes me uncomfortable and that I'm jealous. I was out of town for a night recently and when I got home my boyfriend had left his email open on the computer. There was an email conversation with the girl discussing going out for dinner on the night that I was away. I flicked through the other emails and found one from her saying "p.s. I saw you naked". I confronted him and he said they just went for a bite to eat after work because he had nothing else to do. He also said that the naked comment referred to her walking in on him at work while he was changing in the office. He has told me that he has never and will never cheat on me, that he loves only me and just didn't realise that his actions were inappropriate or that he would hurt me. Should I believe him and stay together or am I being a fool and should I just cut my losses and get out of there? Please help, I'm so confused. Thanks for listening
2sure Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Your gut is telling you something for a reason. You did the right thing and were honest and told him you were uncomfortable and feeling jealous about his friendship with this woman. Thats good! Even with his assurances, you checked his email and I dont blame you for being hurt about what you found. He had dinner with her while you were out of town and he kept it from you. Ok, this is wrong. He is going to use the excuse "I knew it would needlessly upset you". Thats gaslighting. He knew it would upset you, so he should have told you about it in advance if it was so important OR if it wasnt important to him he shouldnt have gone at all. Period. If you want to know if there is more, check his cell phone bill or his email account further. An affair requires communication. And be as emotionally honest as you already have been. Dont sneak. Tell him: I want your password, I want the cell phone history. Right Now. Now.
Author Kezzie Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 He is going to use the excuse "I knew it would needlessly upset you". OMG that is exactly what he said! He said it was completly innocent. I just don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt and try to salvage the last 7 years of mostly happiness! But I just can't get passed the idea that my boyfriend went on a date with another woman while I was out of town, it's a heartbreaking thought!
AlektraClementine Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 do Exactly what 2sure said. Ask for his cell phone and records. And ask for his passwords. If he's innocent, he'll hand 'em over. no problem. But don't do this until he's in front of you. You don't want him deleting anything.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 He's gaslighting you. Aka, making it seem like you're the crazy paranoid one. Honestly, if I were you, even after 7 years of being together - KICK HIM OUT. Make him realize that you won't put up with his behaviour. Don't take him back until he can prove to you that he's truly sorry and that the OW is completely out of the picture.
sammyhalliwel Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Just confront him maybe he is already tired and bored with you're relationship.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Oh god - I know this story ALL too well. Have you met her? 15 minutes alone with her will tell you a lot. Suggest you all go out for drinks one night, and innocently invite her to the ladies room with you when you have to go. No one will be the wiser, and you can take her out right then and there. Just kidding But when in the ladies room you can talk girl talk and see what she says. I did this, and it made me sick. They had pet names for each other, they talked about stuff they did together that I knew nothing about. I confronted him, and he did the ol "I was preserving you from being hurt, I thought it would upset you". I told him, if you thought it would upset me and you did it anyway, you are disrespecting me. The one you CLAIM that you "love". We do not treat the ones we love in that manner. Its wrong. Then - point out that if he does or says anything to her that he wouldnt say or do with you present, is emotionally cheating. I hope yours turns out better than my story went. It dragged on for over a year, me finding texts from her that we're gut wrenching "I luv you" sh.t, he explained she says that to all the guys in their friend group. Anyway - this is a very tricky situation. If you ask for phone records and such, and you find things you dont want to see, he will explain them. I use the word "explain" losely...he will say enough to keep you on his side, and your emotional attachment will fill in the rest. Denial is a bizarre thing, indeed.
Sharbuncle Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 It sounds to me like he is attempting to make you feel silly for worrying. He is demeaning your feelings, and acting as if you have no right to feel suspicious. here is the thing: How would he act/feel if YOU were the one in such a situation? Obviously, he is making it fairly difficult for you to get the answers you want/need. He assures you there is nothing going on, yet the emails prove otherwise. you have voiced your concern, and rather than back down and accept your feelings, he has persued a relationship on an innappropriate level with this woman. The problem lies at the source. Contact the woman, and let her know you are uncomfortable with her being around your husband. Voice that you find it inappropriate, and would appreciate it ending. Follow your gut..... I did, and I found out MUCH more than I ever imagined was possible. The thing about a lot of men is they love a woman, and want her to be their wife...but they are genetically predisposed to window shop, and act on impulse. there is the girl you take home to mom, and genuinely love....and then there is the office slut.... Attack the source. Go after the girl changing his window shopping into ' trying on a new outfit'....if he makes the purchase, he better realize there are no returns.....and that old, familiar outfit that he loves so much is gonna be gone. Let me know what happens...good luck. (=
aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years (living together for 6yrs) and over the last year he has become pretty friendly with a girl he works with. I've mentioned before that it makes me uncomfortable and that I'm jealous. I was out of town for a night recently and when I got home my boyfriend had left his email open on the computer. There was an email conversation with the girl discussing going out for dinner on the night that I was away. I flicked through the other emails and found one from her saying "p.s. I saw you naked". I confronted him and he said they just went for a bite to eat after work because he had nothing else to do. He also said that the naked comment referred to her walking in on him at work while he was changing in the office. He has told me that he has never and will never cheat on me, that he loves only me and just didn't realise that his actions were inappropriate or that he would hurt me. Should I believe him and stay together or am I being a fool and should I just cut my losses and get out of there? Please help, I'm so confused. Thanks for listening I might be in a bad mood, but this sounds like nothing but lies. It is possible he is telling the truth, but probably like a 2% chance of that. LOL. the fact that he went to dinner, when you were "Away". something sounds really off
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