ratingsguy Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 As I mentioned in other posts, my GF and I have been together for 5 months. She's been pretty open about past relationships, and so have I. She has gone so far to come out and admit that she will never get over her most recent ex who dumped her and that she still loves him. This kind of bothers me, but other than one discussion about a couple of months ago, I let it go. They are friends on social networking sites. I asked her if he were to reappear (they were in an LDR...and are still separated by distance), should I be concerned? She said simply, it's over, it's not going to happen, and let's please change the topic. Things have been going really well between us, and I am pretty convinced that this is the woman I want to marry. We've talked about a future together and have even started thinking up names for our future kids. But the fact that she has admitted to me (on more than one occassion) that she doesn't think she will ever get over her ex does concern me. So before I spend several thousands of dollars on a ring and pop the question, which I'd like to do at the end of the year (about the 10 month mark), would it be unreasonable for me to say to her, "Before I propose to you, whenever that is, I need to know that you are over your ex." Bad idea?
kizik Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 the fact that she has admitted to me (on more than one occassion) that she doesn't think she will ever get over her ex does concern me. As it should. This girl sounds like trouble.
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 As I mentioned in other posts, my GF and I have been together for 5 months. She's been pretty open about past relationships, and so have I. She has gone so far to come out and admit that she will never get over her most recent ex who dumped her and that she still loves him. This kind of bothers me, but other than one discussion about a couple of months ago, I let it go. They are friends on social networking sites. I asked her if he were to reappear (they were in an LDR...and are still separated by distance), should I be concerned? She said simply, it's over, it's not going to happen, and let's please change the topic. Things have been going really well between us, and I am pretty convinced that this is the woman I want to marry. We've talked about a future together and have even started thinking up names for our future kids. But the fact that she has admitted to me (on more than one occassion) that she doesn't think she will ever get over her ex does concern me. So before I spend several thousands of dollars on a ring and pop the question, which I'd like to do at the end of the year (about the 10 month mark), would it be unreasonable for me to say to her, "Before I propose to you, whenever that is, I need to know that you are over your ex." Bad idea? This is bizarre. I feel bad for anyone really that is told "I will never get over my ex". It's kind of like..okay? you are dating me then, why? . That said, I cannot believe she still allows him to be in her life. I was once very..VERY in love with someone from my past. For months I cried myself to sleep over this guy and thought I'd never get over it..but eventually I did. Some time later I met my current partner, since then that particular ex has tried to come back into my life, I politely told him I did not wish for him to have any place in my life but I wish him all the best. That ship has sailed, we are over, I am madly in love with someone else who I find much better suited for me and there is no way I would put any man from the past before him. THIS is where SHE should be at if she were ready to marry you. THIS is what SHE SHOULD be telling the ex. I understand you care about her, but why are you even considering marriage with a woman who's still in love with someone else?
Author ratingsguy Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I totally agree, but is it my place to tell her to cut communications with her ex? I wish that would happen (as I've always cut communication with exes who've dumped me), but I'm afraid that it would make her desire the guy more as opposed to less. Kind of the "you always want what you can't have" sort of thing.
Author ratingsguy Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I think I misspoke. For what it's worth, she has told me that she may never get over her ex. Not sure if that makes a difference.
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 She loves someone else..... Don't waste your money.
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I totally agree, but is it my place to tell her to cut communications with her ex? I wish that would happen (as I've always cut communication with exes who've dumped me), but I'm afraid that it would make her desire the guy more as opposed to less. Kind of the "you always want what you can't have" sort of thing. You still haven't answered why you are persuing, dating, consdering marriage with a woman who is in love with someone else. Is it your place to tell her to cut communications with the ex? I guess that's debatable, but my partner didn't HAVE to tell me, I did it all on my own the second ex tried popping around. I love my partner, he is the man I want in my life. He is the man I adore and want to share myself with. I don't need to gain outside fulfillment from other men, least of all exes. If she were half as serious about you as you are her, she would re act along the same lines. ESPECIALLY a man she's told you she will not get over and still loves? I mean my god. Why? WHY are you settling for this?
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I think I misspoke. For what it's worth, she has told me that she may never get over her ex. Not sure if that makes a difference. No, it makes no difference whatsoever. She still continues a relationship with a man she has feelings for and is more important to her than you.
Outsider Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 The only reason i can think of that she kept telling u she could not get over the ex is that she doesn't want you to have too high expectation on ur relationship. It's like a warning or something if later on she did something stupid to hurt u she will have an excuse. If she's completely happy with u, why'd she bother to say stuff like that. And there is no difference. And its absolutely understandable that u may think there's a difference cuz I've been in this situation. You choose to believe the way u want to believe. My advice is DONT pop up the question!!! Give it more time!!
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 The only reason i can think of that she kept telling u she could not get over the ex is that she doesn't want you to have too high expectation on ur relationship. It's like a warning or something if later on she did something stupid to hurt u she will have an excuse. If she's completely happy with u, why'd she bother to say stuff like that. And there is no difference. And its absolutely understandable that u may think there's a difference cuz I've been in this situation. You choose to believe the way u want to believe. My advice is DONT pop up the question!!! Give it more time!! Give it more time? Really? Why on earth would you advise someone who is dating a person, who not only has admitted they still love their ex, may never get over them and continues to make them a part of thier daily life..more time to what? Be mistreated?
Confusedalways Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Oh! I was in an LDR and still hung up over my ex.... who is still separated by distance. There was a time in my life where I would have dropped anyone or anything if he came back into my life, even when I was in relationships. It's kind of a sad mentality, but she doesn't sound like she's getting over it. I hope you don't ask her to marry you, she is not ready.
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I agree with hoping2heal. If she is not over her ex yet...there is no point to the relationship. You love her, she loves her ex. There is nothing in it for you. You are the one who is gonna be hurt all the time...not her.
Outsider Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Give it more time? Really? Why on earth would you advise someone who is dating a person, who not only has admitted they still love their ex, may never get over them and continues to make them a part of thier daily life..more time to what? Be mistreated? Well they're in the relationship now. It still worth trying and apparently he loves her a lot. You can not expect a relationship to be perfect and It would be arbitrary to suddenly end a relationship because of the imperfection. I mean there's a still hope she can get over the ex. But you need to take it slow and be clear about where u r in this relationship. BTW its just my opinion. I guess my ex trained me well on being generous about relationships.
boogieboy Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You can give her (alot more time) for you to make her forget about her ex...and not reminding her of him. You can make sure youre doing things to make her not WANT to keep communication with her ex. Telling her not to do it will not work. Or you can bail out. especially if she talks to him often, and you see changes in her behavior. Step up your game. Figure out if shes really worth it.
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Well they're in the relationship now. It still worth trying and apparently he loves her a lot. You can not expect a relationship to be perfect and It would be arbitrary to suddenly end a relationship because of the imperfection. I mean there's a still hope she can get over the ex. But you need to take it slow and be clear about where u r in this relationship. BTW its just my opinion. I guess my ex trained me well on being generous about relationships. No relationship is perfect, no. Call me crazy though, if I were madly in love with a guy, wanting to marry him, but he told me "well I'm still in contact with my ex, who I still love and I may never really get over". Sorry, that would just be TOO much for me. I don't doubt he loves her a lot, but he should love himself at least enough to expect to give back what he gives. If a man or a woman persuing and investing their feelings and emotions into a person who remains in contact with an ex, and states they still love them and may never get over them is being "generous in relationships" your ex is a doorknob.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Reading this thread, now I know why she won't add you to her myspace. She is still emotionally involved/attached to her ex. He is still in her life in some form.. my GF and I have been together for 5 months. You don't know her that well RG. Why ask to marry her so soon? Get atleast a year under your belt before having that talk with her..
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 she has told me that she may never get over her ex WHY can't she can't over her ex? What is she hanging onto? How he makes her feel? Also, why doesn't she want to get over her ex?
alclarkey Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 If you tell her it's over, you'll find out how truly serious she is about you. If she begs and begs, and cries because you told her it's over, I'd say it's worth a shot on her getting over her ex. But if she is just kind of apathetic about breaking up with you, or I hate to put it this "doesn't cry enough", then you probably did the right thing in ending it.
Island Girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I totally agree, but is it my place to tell her to cut communications with her ex? I wish that would happen (as I've always cut communication with exes who've dumped me), but I'm afraid that it would make her desire the guy more as opposed to less. Kind of the "you always want what you can't have" sort of thing. My husband would never put up with staying in touch with someone that I have said I may never get over. He'd walk - I know it. I'd do the same. I realize you don't want to just walk away but she is supposed to be with you now. And she really never will get over him if he is still there. Under the circumstances - with you thinking of marriage and the LDR part over or soon to be over now (I forget your timeline sorry) then you have every right to put your foot down and let her know it makes you feel uncomfortable and like she has one foot in the relationship and one foot out. You need to know she is in 100% and working toward a future with YOU - not looking over her shoulder at what was while thinking about what could have been. And if she says she isn't doing that -- then it should be no problem letting him go.
eric82 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 First, you've been together for 5 months. I think bringing up marriage would be premature and a bad idea. At this point you should be weighing your compatibility outside of your feelings. Sure you're attracted and get along now, but how about in a decade? Can 5 months really answer that? Secondly, she told you to your face that she's not over her ex and may never be. In other words, she's more in love with him than you. If you were number 1 to her, she wouldn't be saying this and she wouldn't still be hung up on him. She would have cut ties with her ex because the focus of her feelings would be on you. Don't take it personally though, it just sounds like you got involved when she's emotionally unavailable. Been there, done that. It happens to everyone. With all that said, why are you even considering marrying her? Why the rush? You have a set life plan, get married by a certain age? Or is this about your feelings overriding your sense to look before leaping? I know, I know, you love her. But more importantly, does she really love you? The real answer to this isn't in your feelings, it's in her lingering feelings for her ex. Your relationship can't and won't progress as long as she's still stuck on him. That's why it's important that you put your foot down now and confront the issue. If you really want a successful marriage in your future, stop wasting your time by accepting the disrespect she's showing your relationship. If she won't cut ties with her ex and prove she's on your side, break up with her. She's not for you. Any objective person can see that. Maybe you leaving will force her to move on from him, maybe it won't. Either way, in the long run, you will be better off.
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