br0kinhart Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Maybe I should just back off.... A quick relapse... Ex left me 2.5 months ago due to excessive fighting between us. Recently started to contact each other. Went on 2 dates and a shared a few lunches together. Here are the last emails sent between us. Me to her after a lunch date for her birthday yesterday: "I just want to be clear as to what I meant during lunch. I still want to keep in contact with you however, I understand that you are at a point in your life that you are not interested in being in a relationship with me, so I cannot continue "pursuing" you the way I have been recently. I would love to still keep in touch. I feel that we are both mature enough to go out and get together to see where things go. Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel we have alot of love for eachother and its not something that should be ignored. If we can continue seeing eachother at this rate and just moderate our conversation a little, I think it will give us the space we need to work on ourselves, and the time we need to see if things may work between us. Let me know how you feel about this." I apologize for constantly repeating myself. This past week made me a little confused. Its NOT your fault, its the natural way of things. Please dont think of it otherwise, because Im not blaming you or myself for this. Her to me: "I absolutely agree. I would love to keep in touch, and I think this is what I need at the moment. I feel bad that I am such a confused individual. I truly am so confused as to a lot of aspects of my life, and I know I will never have all the answers, but I want to be happy at where I am in my life and i'm not. I definitely try to keep a positive attitude and try to be as happy as I can, but deep down I'm missing something and I need to find out what that is. I don't want a man to define my happiness. That is something that made our relationship hard on you. I made my life revolve solely around my relationship, and that just isn't healthy in any way, shape or form... You know I will always love you. That has never changed. I want you to know that was never the problem and never will be." Now I don't know if I should just leave her be and wait for her to contact me or continue initiating dates etc? Im so confused and I don't want to ruin a possible opportunity of us being together again if there even is one. HELP! All opinions are appreciated. Sorry for the mildly long post.
samspade Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Long posts are fine as long as you have paragraph breaks (which you do). The rule of thumb still holds: She left you, so you should wait for her to contact you. Honestly, you sound like you are hedging your bets and not solely interested in platonic friendship - meaning, you're wanting her back. Meanwhile, she sees that you're offering to be friends and is seizing on that. Her "confusion" is a way to rope YOU in. She is not confused about anything, she just doesn't want you to hate her and stop talking to her. When a woman dumps a guy, it gives her emotional satisfaction to know he still pines for her. Additionally, it soothes her guilt to keep him around as a platonic friend in her harem. But a guy who cuts contact and moves on without hesitation - well, that will probably drive her nuts with wonder. You need to make a decision. Either you can be friends and friends only, or you can cut contact. For YOUR sake.
Author br0kinhart Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I think your right. It just freaking kills me because she was soooo close to me that I find it soooo hard not to call her or text her about random things that are on my mind. Especially when we talk she says, "I can see us back together in a few months" then she says, "Im not ready to jump back into a relationship, right now" If I got a quarter for the amount of times she said "right now" I'd be a rich man. I still consider her the best friend I've ever had and that just sux, because I know its time to cut my ties. Im finding it to be an almost impossible task. I think about her constantly and want to call her all the time. But at the same time I have alot of respect for her and I want to give her the space that she now desires. I guess this has become of those dissapointing moments in my life that will eventually become a lesson learned. I guess I have no choice but to ignore the fact that Im madly in love with this girl and avoid any contact with her from this point on. What if she calls me? I dont know how to interpret that anymore? She knows that I dont want to be a "friend". So why agree to go on these dates and keep in touch? And then one half of me thinks that maybe she is testing me to see if I'm truly interested into her or just acting out of loneliness... I wish there were answers to these questions.... I just have a feeling it's going to be a long lonely road ahead for me. :-(
Ronni_W Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Now I don't know if I should just leave her be and wait for her to contact me or continue initiating dates etc? br0kinhart, Keeping in mind the caution to manage your own expectations so they are reasonable and realistic, how about regulating your contact and invitations -- maybe once a month or something? I agree with you that there are hopeful signs...but it also sounds as if that can change at any moment. Once she does gain some clarity around on or more aspects of her life, she may very well realize that you do NOT fit in with her own life's purpose/mission, goals, desires, etc. Believe me...I am confused for you . I totally get where she is, and also that where she is means that you are getting mixed messages. Or. How about just asking her what SHE thinks will work for her, insofar as your frequency of contact and you two getting together? And once you know that, negotiate and compromise on some type of 'schedule' that will work for both of you? In any event -- wishing you best of luck. --- Any suggestion that women "fake" confusion purely to manipulate men is...well, is to suggest that (a) women LIKE/ENJOY acting confused and, (b) are so freakin' intelligent/smart that we NEVER get confused! We just always have it all figured out. Both trains of thought are utter crap, obviously. If there are any smart/intelligent men out there...do NOT buy into this silly nonsense that women cannot and do not suffer very real, deep and sometimes debilitating confusion.
Author br0kinhart Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Hey Ronnie thanks for sticking with me through this. You have been a tremendous help to me and it has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated! So THANK YOU!!!! I think my main problem is accepting the fact that there may not be a future between me and her. After all, she did break up with me for substantial reasons and I can blatantly can see the magnitude of confusion going on in her head. When we started talking again, I got anxious and I felt I was acting slightly overwhelming. However, I constantly asked her "am I bothering you?", "do you want me to stop contacting you?" and never received a negative answer. This reassured my false hope and false reality that shes interested in seeing if things will work out. I know she did not intend to do this but it's the natural way things worked out. As far as the "schedule", we never really discussed an actual schedule and, we really started to talk a lot really quickly. This in turn seemed to cause her to be defensive and said that this will eventually lead us right back to where we left off and I totally support that opinion, and I'm trying my hardest to back off. So we went on 3 dates in 2 weeks. And one of them she initiated sex, which totally took my head for a spin. Im trying to not contact her but every day is a battle in my head. Yesterday we spoke briefly and I said that Im off from work next week and dont have many plans so if she isnt busy maybe we could get together after she gets out of work one day. I told her to call me if she is interested. She said she would love to, then suggested a restaraunt that I told her I would like to check out while we were dating and never had a chance to, and will talk to me after the weekend. So although I initiated this AGAIN! (Im a little angry at myself over that) but I kind of left the ball in her court to call me and set the date. Im not going to contact her and I will just sit back and hope she calls. Something inside me really does want to wait for her to be sure as to what she wants, but at the same time it makes me feel like Im acting a little pathetic. Im sorry for ranting but there is soo much going on in my head that it is a little relief to write it down so to speak.
Ronni_W Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 So we went on 3 dates in 2 weeks. And one of them she initiated sex, which totally took my head for a spin. Er...your head went spinning cos you got proof that you ARE hot, sexy and desirable??? Or to find out that women also get horny? (Is "horny" the word you young'uns use?) What is your own gut telling about 3 dates in 2 weeks -- too much? not enough? I constantly asked her "am I bothering you?", "do you want me to stop contacting you?" Yeah...stop doing that. It does come across as pathetic, needy, unsure, lacking self-confidence, etc. -- all the stuff you DO NOT want to be associated with. we really started to talk a lot really quickly. This in turn seemed to cause her to be defensive If you're needing (more) motivation to slow things down and not be contacting her but once a week, use that piece of information that you have about her. The more you 'push', the faster she'll run the other way. I know that you know this...it's just a matter of keep reminding yourself of it. Im not going to contact her and I will just sit back and hope she calls. Er...I really, really, really think that you meant to type: "Im not going to contact her and I will just carry on with the rest of my life, keep my eyes open for my next romantic partner, keep improving my mental, emotional and physical self, and SHE better hope that I'm free when she calls." That IS what you meant, yes? I know what you mean about wanting to wait even as you know that's not necessarily in your own best interest to do. It's a tough thing. More about minimizing the harm and damage to your own psyche than actually doing a mental "eff off and don't come back" in her direction. IMO, it's perfectly fine and acceptable to just a honour/embrace ALL your thoughts, feelings, desires and needs -- no matter how conflicting they may be. And then also to set aside globs of time where you are NOT going to think about it/her one way or the other, and just "force" yourself to think about ANYTHING else. Glad if I am contributing something useful...thanks for your kind comments. BIG hugs.
samspade Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Any suggestion that women "fake" confusion purely to manipulate men is...well, is to suggest that (a) women LIKE/ENJOY acting confused and, (b) are so freakin' intelligent/smart that we NEVER get confused! We just always have it all figured out. Both trains of thought are utter crap, obviously. If there are any smart/intelligent men out there...do NOT buy into this silly nonsense that women cannot and do not suffer very real, deep and sometimes debilitating confusion. Disagree....It suggests neither. In fact, when a woman says she is "confused," it usually means she's not ready to let go of one branch while she grabs onto the next. And what it means is immaterial. If you are a smart/intelligent man, you will not wait around for a woman who cannot make up her mind. Her confusion is not your problem, and you should not be waiting on her to make a decision. Make it yourself: Move on. brokinhart, BREAK your plans with her. You're asking her out - I hope you are not planning to pay her way. Save yourself some long term grief and cut contact until you're over her. Remember that DESIRE is the key factor in ANY stage of a relationship. If it's not there, the relationship has gone stale.
Author br0kinhart Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 So I've decided that I am just chasing a lost dream. Im no longer going to contact this woman and continue to enjoy living my free life. I have been acting way out of my normal character and my mind can no longer take the abuse I've been throwing at it. She hasn't called since my last "encounter" and Im taking that as a hint. Desire is a tremendous key to relationships at any stage and Im not feeling any of that from her. So I'm going to move on with myself and find another wonderful woman who loves me for me. I feel I've done everything possible to let her know I'm willing to try and see if things would work out and now the constant feeling of rejection must come to an end. I need to learn how to bury those feelings of love for her and truly move on. I've learned alot about myself and about relationships these past few months and I feel more prepared for next time. Hopefully my future has great things in store for me. Hopefully I will fall in love again and this time around I will be experienced and mentally prepared. Its sad when a great woman become so damn stubborn in her own ways that she misses out on the greatest thing that could have happened to her. Im actually relieved to get away from a woman who will manifest false realities in her head and convice herself they are true. Funny that it took me being devastated from the breakup to act like that, yet she has acted like that for the entire relationship and probably still doesnt even know she does it. Its fine though, maybe in a few years we will bump into eachother and I could show her how great my life is going and how happy I am......then............walk away.
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