confused192 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Hi everyone. I came here to hopefully get some sound advice/support for the situation I am currently going through. I got dumped about a month ago by my boyfriend and I have not been handling the rejection well. I feel a whole mix of emotions ranging from feelings of inadequacy (how am I not good enough for him?) to anxiety (what if he finds someone new?) to just a real sense of loss because he was truly a very special person to me. We had dated casually for about 10 months but the last 3 months we had morphed into the "boyfriend/girlfriend" category (the previous 7 months, we worked together and he was my boss so we couldn't really be public about anything. When I quit, that is when we became exclusive with one another and public about our relationship.) We had an amazing time together from day 1. He was charming, smart, sophisitcated, funny, handsome...the whole package! We spent a significant amount of time together, we hung out with his daughter (which was a big deal for me because I am several years younger than him with no kids of my own) and we went on an amazing vacation together. We were both having a blast. About the middle of June, he decided to host a party at his house. He is a professional chef so he spent the majority of the party cooking and tending to his guests and he really didn't sit down and relax until later in the evening. I, on the other hand, helped out a bit and then spent most of the evening talking and mingling with his guests because I barely knew these people and wanted to get to know his friends better. I thought the party was great and that we had both enjoyed ourselves. About 4 or 5 days later, I sent him a text asking if everything was okay because we hadn't spoken much since the party. He called me and told me that he had gotten to thinking after the party that maybe he and I didn't have much to talk about. He said he enjoyed being with me but maybe this relationship wasn't good for either of us in the long run. He said he wasn't sure and that, although he didn't want to leave me hanging, he wanted to think about things. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it sooner so that we could talk about it. I tried to tell him that I was just trying to get to know his friends a little better and that I thought we had plenty to talk about, please don't judge based on one night. So he thought about it and about 24 hours later he told me that although he hated saying it and it wasn't an easy decision for him, he really didn't think he was going to change his mind, this was just how he was feeling. I said ok. Well, a month has passed and I have been feeling really badly about the situation. I have texted him often. He has responded to some of my messages and we have talked a few times. He told me during one conversation that he isn't sure what he wants right now. Since the breakup, he has invited me over twice for what has turned out to be a booty call. Both times I went and both times I felt bad afterward. I told him just yesterday that I missed him but that I couldn't do that anymore and that I am dating someone else even though I wish it were him that I was spending time with (which is partly true, I am kind of seeing someone but I don't care for him as much as my ex.) He said that he understood and he didn't want to use me, it's okay and good luck. I told him that I would delete his contact info and not speak to him anymore because I didn't want to bother him. He did not respond. First of all, can you believe that I got dumped because we didn't speak at a party?! Hello, Maturity! This man is 41 by the way. My friends all thought it was ridiculous. He has always been extremely honest with me, almost to a fault. But I seriously have a hard time believing this was the only reason...do you all think this was just a line? I think part of the issue is that his wife divorced him a little over a year ago and they were together for about 13 years. He has been suprisingly stable since the divorced and even dated 3 women before dating me, but I still think it affects him from time to time. Is there any hope here of a reconcilliation down the road? Or did he likely not see me as anything special and he won't even give me a second thought? I am really not going to talk to him anymroe but I was surprised that he didn't say anything at all when I told him that I would delete his contact info and not bother him, although perhaps he thinks I am bluffing. Was it a good or bad idea to tell him about the new guy I am seeing, who happens to be sort of famous? I wasn't sure, but I wanted to be honest since we had just slept together. I really just want this man back. But I don't know if I am wishing for something that will never happen... Thoughts? Thanks so much for any and all advice or support you all can offer!
Author confused192 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Any thoughts at all? I am so bored at work so I just keep reading things on this site...and I was just thinking about how great it would be to get to post in the "dating" forum but no, here I am, relegated to posting in the "break up" forum. Crap.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 This isn't about the party...At all. Maybe that night he may have made his final decision, but I can tell ya, it's been on his mind for a while. It isn't anything that you've done or haven't done, it's about him, his daughter and family.. He did say he didn't see you two as long term material, which does affect his daughter, since you have met her and been involved in the family dynamtic to a point. Don't take it personally..It isn't about you, it's about him and his kid. Sorry you're hurting, but try not to contact him anymore. He's made his choice, to end it..Try to respect that and give him space..Focus on healing. Keep posting.
Author confused192 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Yeah I think you are right. Even I was like, really you are going to dump me over a party? Seriously? And he was like, "Well, I just noticed Patrick and Connie (a couple at the party) and their relationship is just so amazing, ya know?" And I said "Well, I was talking to Connie that night actually and she said that she and Patrick have been friends with one another for almost 30 years...don't you think that might be one reason they are so close? Doesn't mean that you can't work up to that with someone, in my opinion." He didn't really ever acknowledge that comment. Probably because he didn't care. I think that likely, he didn't care much about what happened with me and when there appeared to be a potential problem on the horizon, he didn't bother to try and fix it or even alert me that he saw something as a problem. Lazy if you ask me. About his daughter, she is not a young child either. She is 17 and pretty much does her own thing. She is rarely home so he doesn't really do much parenting. She is going to college next year and he told me that that is when is obligation to her ends...so I don't know if it is about her or not. He did say that she really liked me and that she hadn't liked any of his other girlfriends and that her approval is important to him. So, who knows. It probably comes down to the fact that he doesn't care much about a relationship right now at all. He just lost the love of his life, whom he was with for 13 years, a little over a year ago and they don't even speak now at all (she was not the mother of his child). I think he gets lonely sometimes and so that is why he invited me over post-breakup for a booty call. But otherwise, he doesn't care about much right now except putting his daughter through her last year of high school and figuring out what he is going to do after she leaves. At one point, I had tried to tell him that his upcoming lifestyle change kind of fit perfectly with my life... i have no commitments anywhere, I like trying new things and seeing new places, and my parents are relatively young and healthy so I can literally go anywhere without having to worry about things. He thought that was great, but I guess not great enough. He also had an ex-girlfriend who would constantly text him and he thought she was super annoying but he never told her that he was dating someone because he "didn't want to make her angry because it would be a whole other conversation." That always made me a bit suspiscious but I don't honestly think they were seeing one another while I was in the picture. Actually...he kind of reminded me of Seinfeld a little bit! I had known him for several months before we ever even started dating and he would tell me stories of dates he had gone on and then dumped the girl for stupid, stupid reasons (ex. one girl had "ugly knee caps" he said). As soon as he told me that, I immediately thought of the 'man hands' Seinfeld episode and how Jerry would dump women for the dumbest reasons. I think my ex gets bored very easily...he barely gave us a test drive! Or he has serious issues. Either way, I am not taking it personally. When he says that he thinks it is okay if we remain friends, do you think he really means that? I don't care much about getting him back as a boyfriend, but aside from his little neuroticisms, he is a cool guy and I genuinely enjoy talking to him. I kind of wish we had never dated and just stayed friends, to be honest. Anyway, thanks so much for your insightful comment!
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