Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[taylor]

i will also say that once i removed myself from the A and the fog lifted and i was consumed with the A and the fantasy land excitement the ow proivided me and i came back down to earth things became clearer and i set my goals and i truly want to be honest and live a clean life going forward.

 

You act as if you are doing something admirable..noble..by deciding to live a clean and honest life. You constantly remind all of us how DIFFICULT this is going to be..to be honest and clean.

 

You aren't doing anything that MOST people do every day...without pats on the back...without the feeling that they have made some grand gestures.

 

You screwed up your marriage and now you are trying to unscrew it. Big deal.

 

What would have been a big deal would have been not falling for temptation in the first place.

 

You talk about how difficult it's going to be going forward. Why? If you truly love your wife, why so utterly difficult to love her and be faithful to her? Why so difficult to make her happy?

 

So, what exactly have you done so far to fix your marriage. You talk about the "hard work." So, what "hard work" have you done to fix your marriage?

 

So far, the only thing I have seen is you agreed to go to MC.

 

You asked your wife to make your child sleep in his own bed. She agreed and talked to the child about it. That's something your wife did for you to help the marriage.

 

What have YOU done so far to help the marriage? Have you talked to your wife about her needs? Have you started to address some of her needs? What are they?

[OFGnomore]

NS,

 

 

 

I recall calling you "fickle"...similar to another poster accusing you of "flip-flopping." I think it's because it's hard to believe that a human being could get so intimately involved with another person...and two weeks later feel absolutely nothing.

 

I agree, this is why I think NS7 is fooling himself still. It's all or nothing with him. And he keeps defending himself over and over again here. I'm beginning to think he just enjoys the attention. Like a true narcissist.

 

My point is, just like he'll say what he needed too to keep the OP strung along, at this point he's doing the same to keep the wife too. It really amazes me how BSs defend their WHs by saying, oh he lied to her but he's now honest with me??? Wake up, he was lying to you too and he broke vows he made before God, family and friends. Seriously, you'd think they might take pause and say, I don't even know who I married but time, work and counseling will determine if this is someone I want to be with.

 

Sorry, NS7, you've got a long way to go before becoming a "man" IMO. You've made some positive steps but time will tell. And any man who hasn't cheated on their wife (and most men don't), will see you as a weak, little boy who is more concerned with soothing himself than being a man who honors their commitments. 3 weeks and you think your that man? Please, I'm beginning to feel lied to by you. You say you're done defending yourself with certain posters but then you go right back to defending yourself?? You're still wishy/washy.

 

Defend away....

 

Please respond to my post directly, if you want to respond, I'm done reading through pages of the same stuff. But honestly, I hope you don't. I'll be more interested in reading about the "new you and the better marriage" in a year from now.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

[confusedinkansas]

confused did you do a 180 in 2 weeks? If I remember right you separated for a year right.

 

Sure anyone can change but this like NS7 is stating doubtful.

 

If you believe NS7 then everyone does not feel he his a troll, I am just making the suggestion that might be. You folks need to learn the difference between conjecture and a statement.

 

• No way did I do a 180 in 2 weeks.
  
• We separated 2 years after d-day & the separation had nothing to do with the affair.
  

I think that NS chan change & maybe he's doing.....How's the saying go.........Fake It Til You Make It - It's a possibility & it does work for some people.

[confusedinkansas]

I think some posters are questioning your feelings because you are not POSTING about your lingering feelings about the OW, whether it is just fondness or nostalgia, or missing how she made you feel or whatever.

 

Truthfully though, I think if your WERE posting about these things, you would have other posters here telling you that you should be focusing on your wife and your marriage and fixing yourself so that you can be an honest man.

.

 

See NS - You won't be able to win one way or the other. So keep posting your honest feelings.

 

I will say this in addition to PKN... & this post - as far as not getting over the other person right away......You get pissed at them at first, then like I have said, after the dust settles there is that little bit of a nag at ya where you start to think of the good times you had with that person. (AND there were good times otherwise you wouldn't have stuck around them as long as you did) And, those feelings, I don't think, ever go away entirely. They just subside over time. You don't think so much of the other person.

I think that NS is & has thought of the OW. If he says he isn't I believe he's being less than honest. Because TRUTHRULLY - can you continually post here about your marriage & the cause of this spirial downward - if you weren't thinking of the other woman. The thoughts & feelings NEVER EVER just disappear. They resurface when you least expect them. But you can push them back & there is a time where the other person doesn't enter your thoughts for months at a time.

 

Stay the course NS......You're doing great! If it's really what you want - I believe you can do this.

[Lizzie60]

ok so most of you know my story almost 2 weeks since dday(i confessed)..i have been thinking about this so called phase of hysterical bonding.

 

my W and i have had sex for 12 days straight now,it has been intense,excting and intimate.she seems to crave it even more than me,so i know this is the hysterical bonding phase.

 

so my question to everyone out there is, does hysterical bonding have to only be a phase or can it be a springboard into helping couple grow and reclaim there M after the A?..has anyone gone through the hysterical bonding phase and had it just contimue as normal?..i am just curious about this whole "phase" because it seems so intimate and normal and makes us so happy being together that im wondering if it always just ends.

 

Not sure why you need to know.. just enjoy and work on your relationship... what difference will it make if someone tells you it's only a 'phase' and it will soon disappear... why would you want to know that..

 

Why not, instead, work on your relationship and enjoy it.

[NOTSURE7]

You act as if you are doing something admirable..noble..by deciding to live a clean and honest life. You constantly remind all of us how DIFFICULT this is going to be..to be honest and clean.

 

You aren't doing anything that MOST people do every day...without pats on the back...without the feeling that they have made some grand gestures.

 

You screwed up your marriage and now you are trying to unscrew it. Big deal.

 

What would have been a big deal would have been not falling for temptation in the first place.

 

You talk about how difficult it's going to be going forward. Why? If you truly love your wife, why so utterly difficult to love her and be faithful to her? Why so difficult to make her happy?

 

So, what exactly have you done so far to fix your marriage. You talk about the "hard work." So, what "hard work" have you done to fix your marriage?

 

So far, the only thing I have seen is you agreed to go to MC.

 

You asked your wife to make your child sleep in his own bed. She agreed and talked to the child about it. That's something your wife did for you to help the marriage.

 

What have YOU done so far to help the marriage? Have you talked to your wife about her needs? Have you started to address some of her needs? What are they?

 

wow do you have to be careful what you say on this site, what a shame i cant just be honest without having some people beleive it is for selfish purposes..

 

i never claimed to be admirable, but my past is my past, so now what, i am young still, can i not try to clean up my act and make the rest of my life honest, yes i lived a lie, i cheated,i failed but can i not at this point say i want to try and make my life and my m better by looking at the past and changing my future.

 

with your thinking, should they not have rehab facilities because people who have abused drugs or alchcol cant change?, i mean its ridiculous thinking to say someone cant change.

 

that being said,its not easy to always break a mold and yes i beleive it takes alot of work.have i changed overnight, of course not but i beleive i will..thats all i am saying.

 

and if you must know, so far besides mc and ic,i have asked my w for a list of the things she needs from me,i have talked to her extensivley about her feelings and what i can do better and what she needs from me.she told me she needs to feel loved and wants a h who thinks she is the center of the universe, i agreed that she deserves that no matter what and i am working towards being that man.

[NOTSURE7]

I agree, this is why I think NS7 is fooling himself still. It's all or nothing with him. And he keeps defending himself over and over again here. I'm beginning to think he just enjoys the attention. Like a true narcissist.

 

My point is, just like he'll say what he needed too to keep the OP strung along, at this point he's doing the same to keep the wife too. It really amazes me how BSs defend their WHs by saying, oh he lied to her but he's now honest with me??? Wake up, he was lying to you too and he broke vows he made before God, family and friends. Seriously, you'd think they might take pause and say, I don't even know who I married but time, work and counseling will determine if this is someone I want to be with.

 

Sorry, NS7, you've got a long way to go before becoming a "man" IMO. You've made some positive steps but time will tell. And any man who hasn't cheated on their wife (and most men don't), will see you as a weak, little boy who is more concerned with soothing himself than being a man who honors their commitments. 3 weeks and you think your that man? Please, I'm beginning to feel lied to by you. You say you're done defending yourself with certain posters but then you go right back to defending yourself?? You're still wishy/washy.

 

Defend away....

 

Please respond to my post directly, if you want to respond, I'm done reading through pages of the same stuff. But honestly, I hope you don't. I'll be more interested in reading about the "new you and the better marriage" in a year from now.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

 

this is more of the same nonsense,which has nothing to do with my original question on this post.

 

i dont see how i am wishy washy excpet for the fact that people dont agree with everything i do...

[NOTSURE7]

See NS - You won't be able to win one way or the other. So keep posting your honest feelings.

 

I will say this in addition to PKN... & this post - as far as not getting over the other person right away......You get pissed at them at first, then like I have said, after the dust settles there is that little bit of a nag at ya where you start to think of the good times you had with that person. (AND there were good times otherwise you wouldn't have stuck around them as long as you did) And, those feelings, I don't think, ever go away entirely. They just subside over time. You don't think so much of the other person.

I think that NS is & has thought of the OW. If he says he isn't I believe he's being less than honest. Because TRUTHRULLY - can you continually post here about your marriage & the cause of this spirial downward - if you weren't thinking of the other woman. The thoughts & feelings NEVER EVER just disappear. They resurface when you least expect them. But you can push them back & there is a time where the other person doesn't enter your thoughts for months at a time.

 

Stay the course NS......You're doing great! If it's really what you want - I believe you can do this.

 

i am seeing that and i agree, i cant and wont win, nor am i looking to win, i am just being honest in my day to day life as to whats going on and whats happening, if things change that i cant foresee then i will adress them accordingly but all i am doing now is giving an honest account of whats is going on in my head day to day.

[silktricks]

there is that little bit of a nag at ya where you start to think of the good times you had with that person. (AND there were good times otherwise you wouldn't have stuck around them as long as you did) And, those feelings, I don't think, ever go away entirely. They just subside over time. You don't think so much of the other person.

I think that NS is & has thought of the OW. If he says he isn't I believe he's being less than honest. Because TRUTHFULLY - can you continually post here about your marriage & the cause of this spirial downward - if you weren't thinking of the other woman. The thoughts & feelings NEVER EVER just disappear. They resurface when you least expect them. But you can push them back & there is a time where the other person doesn't enter your thoughts for months at a time.

 

Never is an awfully long time. I must disagree with you on the idea that those thoughts and feelings don't ever disappear. Some people I'm sure have positive thoughts and feelings about past loves, but many people do not. Sometime the only feeling to arise when something or somebody reminds them of a past lover is a feeling of embarrassment - and sometimes you don't even remember their name.....

[confusedinkansas]

and sometimes you don't even remember their name.....

 

Gee - How many affairs do you have to have before you "don't remember their name"...Interesting. I suppose those who had brief affairs - I can understand that. But affairs that run over the course of a few + years ~ You really don't forget their name. Specifics fade sure - but that happens as we get oder & we forget things....Ha Ha Ha:lmao:

____________________________________________

 

NS - There are MANY MANY MANY in LS that do not believe people can change. And, I mean EVER.

The alcoholic will never stop drinking / the shopaholic, won't ever quit shopping / the addictive personality of a serial cheater - will NEVER STOP cheating / the one time cheater - will cheat again.

 

Don't buy into these theories.

 

Several will keep bashing - at any cost. I hope you're not taking it personally (I did when they did it to me for a while) I got over it & realized they don't know my situation or how it came to be the way it is or was.

 

How was the weekend anyway!~~~~

[taylor]

i never claimed to be admirable

 

You carry on for 16 pages saying how difficult it is going to be to become a clean, honest, decent person..and how you are going to give it your all, your best..you know it's going to be tough, but you are going to work your hardest at it.

 

At the same time, you have a number of posters cheering you on ..you can do it..you can do it... like you are the in the midst of making a final touchdown in the superbowl.

 

Ridiculous. Put the pom poms down.

 

You cheated on your wife like a thousand other husbands have for selfish reasons. Your OW wanted to end the relationship..You pulled her back in and then dumped her. Now you are clinging to your wife..claiming to have seen the light.

 

You never answered my questions:

 

Why is it so "DIFFICULT" for you to love and be faithful to your wife? Why is this going to be such hard work?

 

Usually, if a person loves another, it's EASY to love them..EASY to be faithful, EASY to be clean, honest and decent.

 

Withdrawal...lingering feelings for the OM...is what made my marital recovery challenging. But as the feelings for the OM subsided, it became EASY to love my husband again.

 

BUT you have no residual feelings for your OW. So, what's making it so difficult for you to love your wife the way she deserves to be loved...by an honest, faithful, giving husband?

 

 

And, the other question...what specifically are you DOING to fix your marriage. WHAT NEEDS does your wife have that you are addressing by your ACTIONS?

 

should they not have rehab facilities because people who have abused drugs or alchcol cant change?, i mean its ridiculous thinking to say someone cant change.

 

Please don't compare infidelity with drug and alcohol abuse. Alcoholism is a disease. You don't have a disease. And drugs cause major chemical shifts in a person's body that require medical treatment in many cases to come off of them.

 

its not easy to always break a mold

 

You mean it's hard to not be selfish?

 

she told me she needs to feel loved and wants a h who thinks she is the center of the universe, i agreed that she deserves that no matter what and i am working towards being that man.

 

So, what have you DONE to make her feel loved? And how hard is it for you to do that?

[NOTSURE7]

Not sure why you need to know.. just enjoy and work on your relationship... what difference will it make if someone tells you it's only a 'phase' and it will soon disappear... why would you want to know that..

 

Why not, instead, work on your relationship and enjoy it.

 

thats exactly what i am doing..thanks

[NOTSURE7]

Gee - How many affairs do you have to have before you "don't remember their name"...Interesting. I suppose those who had brief affairs - I can understand that. But affairs that run over the course of a few + years ~ You really don't forget their name. Specifics fade sure - but that happens as we get oder & we forget things....Ha Ha Ha:lmao:

____________________________________________

 

NS - There are MANY MANY MANY in LS that do not believe people can change. And, I mean EVER.

The alcoholic will never stop drinking / the shopaholic, won't ever quit shopping / the addictive personality of a serial cheater - will NEVER STOP cheating / the one time cheater - will cheat again.

 

Don't buy into these theories.

 

Several will keep bashing - at any cost. I hope you're not taking it personally (I did when they did it to me for a while) I got over it & realized they don't know my situation or how it came to be the way it is or was.

 

How was the weekend anyway!~~~~

 

i dont take it personally, i find it kind of sad actually and i think its self defeating for someone to post on a site that is supposed to help people but instead they take out there obvious anger or resentment or make some opinion based on having no idea of who or what the person is really about or going through.

 

the weekend was actually great, we are really connecting with one another these days..we had a date night on saturday and saw the movie the hangover, it was hilarious.we have been talking alot and i have been working on the things she needs and she has been working on the things i need, we continue to talk and of course she has breakdowns but we talk through them and i asnwer all questions she has,she is sleeping better and eating better too whih helps.

[taylor]

..i mean its ridiculous thinking to say someone cant change.

 

Never said you can't change. Maybe you can. Won't know until temptation rears it's ugly head again. Who knows when that will be..6 months, a year, 2 years from now.

 

But you are making a huge fuss about the fact you DECIDED to take steps to change. Why the big fuss?

 

Like I said, it's really no big deal..the fact that now you want to live a clean honest life.

 

Millions of people do every day..and they don't even have to think about it..not even for a second.

 

But you are carrying on for 16 pages saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm gonna change. I'm gonna start being a clean, honest, decent person."

 

Again, big deal.

[PhoenixRise]

i dont take it personally, i find it kind of sad actually and i think its self defeating for someone to post on a site that is supposed to help people but instead they take out there obvious anger or resentment or make some opinion based on having no idea of who or what the person is really about or going through.

 

the weekend was actually great, we are really connecting with one another these days..we had a date night on saturday and saw the movie the hangover, it was hilarious.we have been talking alot and i have been working on the things she needs and she has been working on the things i need, we continue to talk and of course she has breakdowns but we talk through them and i asnwer all questions she has,she is sleeping better and eating better too whih helps.

 

 

Notsure

 

I am glad that you guys had a good weekend. If in the middle of all this you guys can still laugh together that is great. I am also glad to see that your wife is taking care of her self and eating and sleeping as she should. You guys are starting MC this week right?

[NOTSURE7]

Never said you can't change. Maybe you can. Won't know until temptation rears it's ugly head again. Who knows when that will be..6 months, a year, 2 years from now.

 

But you are making a huge fuss about the fact you DECIDED to take steps to change. Why the big fuss?

 

Like I said, it's really no big deal..the fact that now you want to live a clean honest life.

 

Millions of people do every day..and they don't even have to think about it..not even for a second.

 

But you are carrying on for 16 pages saying, "Look at me. Look at me. I'm gonna change. I'm gonna start being a clean, honest, decent person."

 

Again, big deal.

 

you really need to give it up already with this..

 

so ok again, i am not making a big fuss, never did i say it was a big deal or earth shattering news,i dont see myself saying look at me or i am better than anyone else, all i am doing is giving an honest assesment of how i am doing and feeling each day, i am well aware things can change and that i might have to adapt my thinking as i go but i certainly am not looking for any ls awards or trophies or anyone to pat me on the back..

 

but i am asked questions and i answer them, i tell my feelings and what i am going through and look for advice ,i dont get why people on here get so upset if i want to beleive i can make that change and if i truly beleive things i am saying, i never said i am better than anyone, in fact i am far from that,so i post here to get advice and maybe some guidance but instead i get bashed and have to defend myself,which is a complete waste of everyones time.

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure

 

I am glad that you guys had a good weekend. If in the middle of all this you guys can still laugh together that is great. I am also glad to see that your wife is taking care of her self and eating and sleeping as she should. You guys are starting MC this week right?

 

the weekend was nice,the weekend gives us good time to be together and i find it very helpful.this time is not at all easy but yes it was nice to laugh and take a break for a bit.

 

i know this might offend some but we are truly taking things day by day and so far i am really feeling really good about our relationship and it really feels good to be honest and open with her and to have a clear mind and truly give us a real chance to succeed.

 

yes i am happy she is eating and sleeping, it was really hard to see her not being able to do either.

 

we have our first mc on wed, i had first ic last week..

[silktricks]

Gee - How many affairs do you have to have before you "don't remember their name"...Interesting. I suppose those who had brief affairs - I can understand that. But affairs that run over the course of a few + years ~ You really don't forget their name. Specifics fade sure - but that happens as we get oder & we forget things....Ha Ha Ha:lmao:

 

not so old yet that I can't remember anything ... and not so many love affairs .... point of fact, though, is that until I sat down and really thought about it, I couldn't remember the name of the last lover prior to my husband.

 

Which is my point, of course. I don't think about past lovers, why should any part of the experience be something that would forever linger? I'm not with any of them, I'm with my husband.

 

The idea that forever after good memories of the affair will come up every few months is simply not true.

[confusedinkansas]

Well, maybe forever is an incorrect word to use then.

I'm 3 + years post affair.

The thoughts still pop in there from time to time - Can't control them.

If my husband & I go to a restaurant that the OM & I had been to - Sure, I think about him. (even if it's brief) Even though an affair is a heartbreaking thing for all involved - doesn't mean that the memories I have AT THE TIME aren't fond ones. Also, doesn't mean I want the OM back in my life either. Just means that we can't always control our minds & what pops in there & when.

[Dexter Morgan]

The thoughts still pop in there from time to time - Can't control them.

If my husband & I go to a restaurant that the OM & I had been to - Sure, I think about him. (even if it's brief) Even though an affair is a heartbreaking thing for all involved - doesn't mean that the memories I have AT THE TIME aren't fond ones.

 

BOOM, you just gave the reason why in my mind it isn't worth keeping a partner that cheated.

[confusedinkansas]

BOOM, you just gave the reason why in my mind it isn't worth keeping a partner that cheated.

 

I get your point Dex. Completely - BUT.....Just because something - that you can't control pops in your head - doesn't mean that you can't be IN a marriage & correct any wrong doings & move on in your life with your spouse.

I do not ACT on any of the 'thoughts'........I dismiss them. It's VERY rare anyway. I'm just making a point. It's not something that just disappears out of your memory banks.

My point is - You can't control your thoughts! No one can. And - EVERYONE has a past & memories from that past.

 

Just like NS in this thread - Thoughts of the other woman will pop in his head from time to time. It will just happen.

[taylor]

BOOM, you just gave the reason why in my mind it isn't worth keeping a partner that cheated.

 

If we all had the power of selective amnesia, we could all forget our past love interests.

 

But we don't.

 

I can remember the names of every guy who ever kissed me, going back to age 15.

 

But I can also remember the name of every girlfriend I had since kindergarten and the names of every teacher I had in school.

 

You can't expect a person to totally block out memories of an affair partner, just like you can't expect someone to totally block out memories of any past love interest, school friend or teacher.

 

It doesn't mean they are a part of your current life or that you want them to be a part of your current life. They are memories..meaning they are from the past and will remain in the past. And you can't change your past, whether you want to or not.

[confusedinkansas]

If we all had the power of selective amnesia, we could all forget our past love interests.

 

But we don't.

 

I can remember the names of every guy who ever kissed me, going back to age 15.

 

But I can also remember the name of every girlfriend I had since kindergarten and the names of every teacher I had in school.

 

You can't expect a person to totally block out memories of an affair partner, just like you can't expect someone to totally block out memories of any past love interest, school friend or teacher.

 

It doesn't mean they are a part of your current life or that you want them to be a part of your current life. They are memories..meaning they are from the past and will remain in the past. And you can't change your past, whether you want to or not.

 

Perfectly said Taylor!! Exactly my point as well.

[taylor]

you really need to give it up already with this..

 

No, you need to give it up already. 16 pages of telling people how hard it's going to be to lead a clean, honest, decent life. Enough already.

 

How would your wife feel if she read these pages and learned how hard you think it's going to be to love her and stay faithful to her?

 

If you were my husband and you told me you wanted to be faithful, thought you might be able to change, was going to work hard at it, knew it was going to be difficult to do...I would tell you not to bother if it was going to tax you that much..and I would show you the door.

 

Enough already with how agonizing it's going to be to try to be a decent, faithful husband.

 

I surmise you truly don't love your wife. Or at least, not enough. She loves you and you know it so you don't want to lose that. But you don't love her back the same way..that's why it's so difficult for you to be faithful to her. She's not enough. And she will probably never be enough for you.

 

Right now you are trying to convince yourself that she is enough for you. You are going to work hard to make her the center of your universe. It shouldn't be hard to do that...not if you truly love someone. It should be EASY to make them front and center.

 

I am not bashing you. Never my intention. But I do believe you are in a fog regarding your feelings for your wife. I think you are fooling yourself. You aren't being honest with yourself. You are afraid to look that deep inside your heart.

 

Ask yourself why you cheated on your wife over and over. Really think about it.

[whichwayisup]

My point is - You can't control your thoughts! No one can. And - EVERYONE has a past & memories from that past.

 

Just like NS in this thread - Thoughts of the other woman will pop in his head from time to time. It will just happen.

 

But one CAN control pushing those thoughts out of their head. Ofcourse she may pop into his head, but it seems he's chosen not to spend any time reminising or remembering.