Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[PhoenixRise]

We've been three times. The MC said how "well adjusted" we seemed and how well we communicate and she could tell how in love we were with each other (!!!). She also said she had never seen a BS so calm and cool in all her years. Don't know what the significance of that is. At this point, I am so angry I don't know if a MC would help that much more. I don't know if it would be a waste or not. I don't know what she could possibly tell me that would make it better. I have a very F'ed up mind right now. Oops, there goes the F word again. We have a guest house which I am strongly considering one of us moving into, but then the kids would know and I can't imagine that's better than just working this out the way we have been doing within the main house.

 

Aeh

 

I think having your H move into the guest house is an idea worth considering. As much as you and your H have tried to keep this situation from affecting the kids, they probaly know something is very wrong. Do you think you can explain to them that you and H are working through a very difficult adult situation. That you both love them dearly and you are working hard to strengthen the family. AND that one of you will be temporarialy living in the guest house while you work things through?

 

Maybe it will help you to deal with your anger if you have your own space for awhile. I have successfully reconciled with my H but I did separate from him for awhile. I think it helped us tremendously. Talk to your MC about it and see what he/she thinks.

[aeh]

Two days of absolute fury. Almost to the point that if, like I said, we didn't have kids that I would have been g-o-n-e. The kids are what keeps me here in those angry hours. For all my rage, he comes home last night and we are courteous as always. We go on our usual walk after dinner, we are holding hands. He comes in last night to our bedroom and tells me he wants to take me on a "date" tomorrow night (tonight). I don't know why, it kind of struck me as funny. We go out to eat regularly, with and without kids, so the terminology made me giggle for some reason. We do go on lots of dates. Anyway, we end up cuddling in front of the TV and later having, as he put it, "mind-blowing" sex. Sheesh, one minute I want him to move to the guest house and the next.....

 

I did tell him last night that I am sure that no matter how many good moments/hours, etc we have together over the next however long, I know that I am still going to have one foot out the door for a long, long while. Maybe years.

 

The thing that drives me the most crazy is that it can be like that with us...we're lovey-dovey, snuggling, sneaking away for some "us" time, and then something triggers me, and I am angry beyond comprehension. It almost, , I said, almost, makes me feel sorry for him (nope, can't quite muster it) in the way my ups and downs are to the highest highs and the lowest lows. And all this from the normally most even-keeled person!!

 

So, even after the GREAT sex last night, and again this morning (yikes, sorry, guess it's TMI), my head is still swimming somewhat in the murky waters of betrayal, rage and bewilderment. I also told him it would have helped somewhat had I not had to be the one to discover the affair, had he stopped it and confessed. Especially considering some stuff that has happened to us over the last year which amazes me that he could still continue it.

 

Honestly, I am starting to feel mad again....this is nuts!

 

It might almost be laughable if I was posting hourly updates on my state of mind.

[aeh]

Aeh

 

I think having your H move into the guest house is an idea worth considering. As much as you and your H have tried to keep this situation from affecting the kids, they probaly know something is very wrong. Do you think you can explain to them that you and H are working through a very difficult adult situation. That you both love them dearly and you are working hard to strengthen the family. AND that one of you will be temporarialy living in the guest house while you work things through?

 

Maybe it will help you to deal with your anger if you have your own space for awhile. I have successfully reconciled with my H but I did separate from him for awhile. I think it helped us tremendously. Talk to your MC about it and see what he/she thinks.

 

Phoenix, how did the separation go for you? Did you talk every day? How often did you see each other? Were either of you "seeing other people"? What did the kids think? What prompted him moving back in?

[PhoenixRise]

Phoenix, how did the separation go for you? Did you talk every day? How often did you see each other? Were either of you "seeing other people"? What did the kids think? What prompted him moving back in?

 

 

I don't think my situation is exactly like yours Aeh. My H was busted, he didn't confess, then there was trickle truth, then there was no total NC established right away with OW. I left him. AND I went NC (as much as I could) with HIM.

 

We have one child. He would call a few times a day to talk to our child and to try to talk to me. It went something like this:

 

H: Hey sweetheart how are you doing.... I've been thinking about us and....

 

Me: Hey here is our child who wants to talk to you. I give child the phone.

 

After they are done talking I take the phone back.

 

H: Well like I said I have been thinking about us and we need to talk...I miss you and I love you and ....

 

Me: Well I am on my way out the door, Have a goood night.

 

 

I removed myself as completely as I could from his life while makeing sure he had as much access to his child as possible. I didn't talk to him about us or anything personal for a long time.

 

I wasn't seeing anyone else but he didn't know that for sure. I left the door wide open for him to have an open relationship with the OW if he wished. I told him before I left that If he really wanted her and she was going to be a part of his life I would deal with it and trust that he wouldn't chose some crazy person to involve in his child's life. So the presence of OW would not affect visitation with his child.

 

For our child it was somewhat confusing and she did miss daddy. She had to adjust to new living conditions and I had to help her make the adjustment.

 

Aeh. For me, the best thing that came out of my separation from my H was not the restoration of my marriage. The best thing that came out of it was the restoration of my trust in myself. I was building a very happy life without him. I was sad sometimes. I missed him like crazy (didn't let him know that) and I still loved him. But the life I was building without him was a good one. For me, knowing that I have what it takes within myself to be happy no matter what H does is what gave me the courage to be open to him when he did start to take concrete actions that demonstrated the work he was doing to be a better man.

 

The beginning of the end of the separation happened when showed up at my home unannounced for the Holidays. Surprised the Hell out of me because I had already asked him how he wanted to handle the Holidays in terms of having our daughter with him for part of the time and he had not wanted to discuss it so I assumed he was going to be spending that time with the OW.

 

After this, we started to talk. That is all. Just talk. We built from there, still separated for awhile. He ended up moving to where I was. He found himself a local IC and also found us a MC.

[PhoenixRise]

I should also say

 

 

What I did in separating from my H was not a tactic. It was not an effort to teach a lesson or to wake my H up.

 

When I left....I left with the intention of ending the marriage.

 

Leaving or threatening divorce when you don't mean it will probaly blow up in your face. (Not saying you would do this Aeh)

[Molley]

Aeh – like all the others writing to you here, I’ve been there and am going through it along with you. Yuck. Dday was late March, since then I’ve kicked H out 2 times, both separations lasted about a week. The last separation lasted 10 days and H just returned 4 days ago. Leading up to the separation, well, after a couple of months of NC with the OW, he left for a business trip and stared calling her non-stop. I found out about it when he came home and I checked his hotel receipt (I guess he’s not too smart about the cheating thing) and saw all the long distance calls he had made to her from the hotel room. When I asked him if he had contacted her while away, he lied to my face, that’s what hurt the most the flipping lying! So, I told him to get out, that it was over, non negotiable boundary for me broken. If he had called me to say that he was having problems, I would have reacted differently. Anyway, it took me a week to get him out of the house. I had packed a suitcase for him, wrote him a letter saying that I was letting him go, he could freely be with the skank, but he kept coming home after work each day!!! During this week, that’s when I finally started raging, I was crazy mad!!! Before then, I was calm, in pain, hurt, grieving… but calm… just trying to do the heavy lifting, making my marriage work. And the marriage seemed to be on the right track, H had clicked back into the marriage, things were moving along well. We were in IC, no MC (horrid experience with our last MC therapist.) Anyway… yes I finally became so angry that I would lash out at him every time he walked back through the doors. I kept telling to get the H**l out, but he kept coming back for more. He kept telling me was confused, that he loved me, that he just didn’t know what/how he could have done this to us. I kept raging, one evening I got so pissed I started hitting him and all the vile, black garbage that I had kept deep down inside of me, well it all came spilling out. Not one of my proudest moments. But man…. After I beat on him and spewed it all out, I felt so much better! The next day, all the fingers on my left had were black and blue from hitting him. I have to say… I’ve never, ever hit anyone in my life… I’ve never so much as yelled at another person, I’ve never in my 18 years yelled at my H when we argued… but I just went nutso.

Oh… then the next evening, yup… the rage came back. This time I went out into the garage and smashed all of his beer pint glass on the floor (he brews his own beer, he’s lucky I don’t smash his car boys with the new stuff in them.) He just watched me, then I fell apart and started sobbing hysterically. He just held me and we talked. The next evening we didn’t talk at all when he came home, I went out and spent the evening with a friend. The following day when he left for work, he also took his suitcase and finally didn’t come back that night. He called the next day to say he needed time to think things through, figure out what he’s done, make a decision because he felt like he was torn between 2 women. When he told me that he needed time to decide between us, I felt like he was making a decision about which puppy to bring home from the pound. I told him that I was moving on with my life. Then we didn’t talk at all. I spent the week ANGRY. The few friends who knew about what was happening, well they would get me out of the house and I would just let out all of my anger, I needed to talk it all out.

 

When he finally called and said that he had made a huge mistake, she was a mistake but he didn’t know how to fix things. He felt that he had messed it all up so badly… but wanted to come home and try, thought it was a MLC. Well…. He’s been back for 4 days and I was pissed the first 3 days that he was home. It was like he had walked in and all of the sudden I was again in turmoil, I was AGAIN anxious, again didn’t know how/ what to do… ugh!!! So I was pissed. Then yesterday, after reflection and talking with a couple good friends I realized that I needed to get a grip, that my anger at this point wasn’t serving me well, it was only widening that divide between us and that as much as I wanted him to do all the lifting now, cause I was so flipping tired, I still needed to man up and make him feel a bit more secure in the house, otherwise he would never start opening back up again, and we would never be able to come back together again. So, I wrote a letter to the OW, used up the last of my anger on her, sent it, let her go… and the anger seemed to also disappear, after about 3 weeks of continual rage, I feel much more at peace.

 

There comes a time when the anger just needs to be finished, it has to leave you because you won’t be able to move forward…. You’ll know when it’s time to move on. So get it out and then relax, put a bit of trust back into your marriage and your stupid husband and begin to build the marriage back up. Yes, I still do get angry, but I now don’t take it out on him. I’m totally scared that despite all my efforts things still may not work out, but that’s part of life, taking that chance.

 

Oh and like you and so many others, my H for the last 18 years has been the most wonderful man, honest to a fault, I would have never in a million years thought he would do this to me and our marriage… And like PhoenixRise, I needed to get H out of the house because our relationship had become toxic, I couldn’t stand listening to him tell me about how confused he was regarding the OW, how he enjoyed talking to her, she was fun and spontaneous… I needed him out so that I could regain control of my life, think about what I wanted, get myself healthy again

 

So… aeh, I’m totally with you here and so are all the other BS’s , we’re holding on.

 

PS... just had to add... the broken pint glasses, well they remained on the garage floor, I just walked over the glass for the last couple of weeks... H finally last night moved the cars out of the way and swept up the glass, tossing away all the broken pieces.

[NOTSURE7]

see aeh all wh are not that bad, i just gave you my post..lol

 

actually it has been great for me to read all of this as your situation has so many characteristics of mine..

 

i guess the only difference is i confessed to my w so maybe it helps a bit but really at the end of the day its all the same..

 

my w is really trying and giiving me a chance which is very important because as a remourseful wh you actually hurt for what you have done to your bs, i know it may be hard to beleive but its true,so when she gives me a tru chance i at least know that my efforts will not be wasted and that overtime and with plenty of change on my part things can grow stronger, it will never be what it was for her but i know i can offer a stronger M, but i also need to know she beleives that too, you need to make that decison aeh, its crucial..i have found mc to be very helpful, especially for my w...

 

you need to give your h that chance if you truly wants this m,because when he thinks you are letting him back in and your laughing and cuddling and talking and having mind blowing sex, to him that is progress and gives him that needed confidence that he can make this right...

 

i am in no way saying you shouldnt have the anger and sadness and all the emotions because they are essential to any recovery, i have realized that with my w and patience and reassurance are the key..

 

but i will tell you if your h is like me, he really means the things he is saying and doing,he really realizes what he has done and wants to spend the rest of his life making this up to you.

[whichwayisup]

i guess the only difference is i confessed to my w so maybe it helps a bit but really at the end of the day its all the same..

 

I think so too. You decided to face it head on and confess. You didn't get caught. In some ways, as hard as it was for you and as much as she's hurting, feeling betrayed, there's a part of her that respects you for telling her.

[PhoenixRise]

Notsure

 

I think the fact that you confessed and went immediate NC with the OW will go a long way toward rebuilding your marriage. I am sure your wife sees it this way. In the long term, I think it will help your recovery.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

see aeh all wh are not that bad, i just gave you my post..lol

 

I have to say that this thread has remained surprisingly ON topic for 26 pages! I also think any turn in direction or focus has been completely worthwhile.

 

Its also nice that several of the BS's are close in terms of there stage post Dday. It cycles here, but doesn't occur all that often.

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure

 

I think the fact that you confessed and went immediate NC with the OW will go a long way toward rebuilding your marriage. I am sure your wife sees it this way. In the long term, I think it will help your recovery.

 

i beleive my w appreciates that i did confess,although i dont think that it has made her any different than any other bs as far as the recovery process goes..

 

what has been important is the fact i went nc with the ow and we entered mc and ic not long after dday, also the fact that i have taken responsibility and tackled this head on have also helped..

 

my w always looked to me to be the leader in our life together, that was a role i cherished but one i obviusly took for granted, so i have tried to be the leader here too,she needs me to be strong in this and i understand that, my w more than anything is sad,she feels alone and worthless,it is me who needs to be there for her and reassure her..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

my w always looked to me to be the leader in our life together, that was a role i cherished but one i obviusly took for granted, so i have tried to be the leader here too,she needs me to be strong in this and i understand that, my w more than anything is sad,she feels alone and worthless,it is me who needs to be there for her and reassure her..

 

That's very true NS, but not exclusively. There are things that you can break but not fix. She's got to separate herself from you in order to heal completely. (Separate herself emotionally from the role of W) A woman who's identity has revolved around being a good mother and wife, who liked that and found great satisfaction in it (it can be quite an underappreciated role, no atta boys or high fives!) who finds that it meant nothing to you, needs to find herself in some ways apart from you. The role will NEVER be able to be the end all of her identity again... which is a good thing.

 

I think its noble (aside from the A) that you want to ride in as her knight in shining armor. I think its great that you came forward and confessed. I honestly have a lot of respect for that. Unfortunately, she's going to have to find her own way in some of this, and won't see you as the trust worthy leader again. She will NEVER place all of her faith in you without questioning you (in her mind). That to me is the saddest part. That even a truly regretfull WS looses then unconditional love and trust. One of the things the BS deals with aside from the hurt and betrayal, is the underliying knowledge that you will never be able to give that unconditional love and trust. Its a wonderful gift to give, and a beautiful gift to receive. Its unfortuanate that that type of unadultrated faith, cannot be restored, even with healing of the M and MPs.

[NOTSURE7]

my w always looked to me to be the leader in our life together, that was a role i cherished but one i obviusly took for granted, so i have tried to be the leader here too,she needs me to be strong in this and i understand that, my w more than anything is sad,she feels alone and worthless,it is me who needs to be there for her and reassure her..

 

That's very true NS, but not exclusively. There are things that you can break but not fix. She's got to separate herself from you in order to heal completely. (Separate herself emotionally from the role of W) A woman who's identity has revolved around being a good mother and wife, who liked that and found great satisfaction in it (it can be quite an underappreciated role, no atta boys or high fives!) who finds that it meant nothing to you, needs to find herself in some ways apart from you. The role will NEVER be able to be the end all of her identity again... which is a good thing.

 

I think its noble (aside from the A) that you want to ride in as her knight in shining armor. I think its great that you came forward and confessed. I honestly have a lot of respect for that. Unfortunately, she's going to have to find her own way in some of this, and won't see you as the trust worthy leader again. She will NEVER place all of her faith in you without questioning you (in her mind). That to me is the saddest part. That even a truly regretfull WS looses then unconditional love and trust. One of the things the BS deals with aside from the hurt and betrayal, is the underliying knowledge that you will never be able to give that unconditional love and trust. Its a wonderful gift to give, and a beautiful gift to receive. Its unfortuanate that that type of unadultrated faith, cannot be restored, even with healing of the M and MPs.

 

i fully agree and when i look back at it all now, it wasnt worth what i have lost, i am no longer her hero,her leader,her unconditional love..

 

yes she still loves me and we will have a stronger marriage together but its hard for me that i have done this to her and destroyed who she was, she didnt deserve that and i know i can never give that back to her.

 

but all i have is the days since dday, i cant take the past back and can only work toowards a stronger future..

[aeh]

That's very true NS, but not exclusively. There are things that you can break but not fix. She's got to separate herself from you in order to heal completely. (Separate herself emotionally from the role of W) A woman who's identity has revolved around being a good mother and wife, who liked that and found great satisfaction in it (it can be quite an underappreciated role, no atta boys or high fives!) who finds that it meant nothing to you, needs to find herself in some ways apart from you. The role will NEVER be able to be the end all of her identity again... which is a good thing.

 

I think its noble (aside from the A) that you want to ride in as her knight in shining armor. I think its great that you came forward and confessed. I honestly have a lot of respect for that. Unfortunately, she's going to have to find her own way in some of this, and won't see you as the trust worthy leader again. She will NEVER place all of her faith in you without questioning you (in her mind). That to me is the saddest part. That even a truly regretfull WS looses then unconditional love and trust. One of the things the BS deals with aside from the hurt and betrayal, is the underliying knowledge that you will never be able to give that unconditional love and trust. Its a wonderful gift to give, and a beautiful gift to receive. Its unfortuanate that that type of unadultrated faith, cannot be restored, even with healing of the M and MPs.

 

 

That's exactly it. Well said.

[aeh]

I have to say that this thread has remained surprisingly ON topic for 26 pages! I also think any turn in direction or focus has been completely worthwhile.

 

Yes, I was thinking to myself I had diverted and threadjacked a bit from NS's OP, even though I have been in the hysterical bonding phase for 7 weeks now...and then I was/am cycling through the rage and fury...but yes, I guess considering all of the passionate sex we're still having..

[Molley]

I have to say that this thread has remained surprisingly ON topic for 26 pages! I also think any turn in direction or focus has been completely worthwhile.

 

Yes, I was thinking to myself I had diverted and threadjacked a bit from NS's OP, even though I have been in the hysterical bonding phase for 7 weeks now...and then I was/am cycling through the rage and fury...but yes, I guess considering all of the passionate sex we're still having..

 

So when does hysterical bonding turn into just great sex? 4.5 months from original d-day, we've continue to have great sex. Maybe it's not everyday, like it was the first few months... now it's 3-4 times a week and we both enjoy each other. For us, I think it's a way to stay connected, the sex says what we can't seem to say it in words at this point. This really is wonderful, since it's something that was missing from our lives most of the time before the A.... how sad, but true. Sex... need to make more time for it, PRE-AFFAIR.

[taylor]

So when does hysterical bonding turn into just great sex? 4.5 months from original d-day, we've continue to have great sex. Maybe it's not everyday, like it was the first few months... now it's 3-4 times a week and we both enjoy each other. For us, I think it's a way to stay connected, the sex says what we can't seem to say it in words at this point. This really is wonderful, since it's something that was missing from our lives most of the time before the A.... how sad, but true. Sex... need to make more time for it, PRE-AFFAIR.

 

Molley,

 

You have me quite confused.

 

Did you not say on another thread that your husband was still cheating on you emotionally by resuming contact with the OW just a week or two ago?

 

You've kicked him out twice. Taken him back twice.

 

And the two of you are enjoying great sex..everything wonderful??!!

 

You say you wrote an NC letter to the OW to tell her to back off. Why didn't your husband write that letter? It was his to do if he wants to show you how committed (?) he is to you.

 

How could you continue to have great, wonderful sex with your husband when you know he was calling and texting the OW non-stop just a few weeks ago...lied to you to your face...and then continued contact with her after you threw him out the second time.

 

If you think sex is going to keep him home, think twice. He can get that anywhere..and he did.

 

You are rewarding him for bad behavior. What has he done to PROVE to you he can stay committed?

 

How will you feel if and when he cheats on you again? Will you reward him with amazing sex yet again?

 

He says it was a MISTAKE that he cheated on you, lied to you. It was no mistake. It was a choice he made over and over again. And he will do it again unless he is made to feel the consequences of his bad choices.

 

Kicking him out for a week or two so that he can resume contact with the OW is not "feeling the consequences."

 

What you are doing is sending a clear message to your husband that it's OK to cheat on you and just tell you it was a mistake...that you will take him back and reward him with wonderful, amazing sex.

 

Are you in MC?

[Molley]

Taylor - I don't believe it's sex that is keeping my H at home. He began calling her when he was on a business trip, I found out and it took me a week to kick him out, he kept coming back home every evening... he continued to tell me that he was trying to move past her, that he loved me, bla, bla, bla... I had packed a bag for him and told him to go, be with her. After a week, when he finally did leave, he said it was because he needed to clear his head, needed time to figure out why he has been doing this. He moved into a hotel on base and when billeting was full, he slept in an empty airplane hangar. He contacted her only a few times during the 10 days he was gone and she stopped by one time to give him some food. Around the 8th day he contacted me and told me that he had made a huge mistake by staying in contact with her. He didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be with me but he felt that he had gone down the road so far in making a huge mess out of our lives. He felt totally responsible for everything and wanted to know if I still thought we had a chance to make this marriage work. So a couple days later I said ok, come back home. I set boundaries and make clear what I will and won't accept.

 

Yes, I did write a letter to the OW, to make me feel better. My H didn't write a letter, he felt it was cruel to continue bringing it up to the OW, I didn't agree and for a number of days we were in a continual arguement over this. After speaking with a therapist friend she and several people on LS told me to just forget about insisting on the NC letter, at this point it would just hamper the R of our marriage. So, I've stopped asking for it. He ended it with her over the phone several days before he came back home.

 

We've been in IC and are now discussing options for MC.

 

We all know our spouses the best and I felt it was ok for me to resume sex with him, no different than many of the others on this thread.

[taylor]

Taylor - I don't believe it's sex that is keeping my H at home.

 

So what do you think IS keeping him home?

 

He began calling her when he was on a business trip,

 

Why, when he was supposed to be working at recovering his marriage?

 

He moved into a hotel on base and when billeting was full, he slept in an empty airplane hangar.

 

Sounds like he missed the comforts of home. How long can you sleep in an empty airplane hangar before you start missing a real bed?

 

The OW was smart to not let him stay at her place.

 

Around the 8th day he contacted me and told me that he had made a huge mistake by staying in contact with her.

 

What happened? Did they have a quarrel? Maybe she told him to go back to his wife.

 

So a couple days later I said ok, come back home. I set boundaries and make clear what I will and won't accept.

 

Only time will tell if he will respect these boundaries. His track record has not been good up until now.

 

 

 

Yes, I did write a letter to the OW, to make me feel better. My H didn't write a letter, he felt it was cruel to continue bringing it up to the OW, I didn't agree

 

Sorry, I missed the posts on this but if I had read them I would have agreed with you that HE needed to write the letter to the OW. He needed to do that to SHOW you he is serious about ending the affair with her and serious about recommitting to you. You denied him that important opportunity.

 

It concerns me that he refused to do what you wanted him to do (write the letter) so that he could spare the OW's feelings...that's putting her above you. Wrong move.

 

I understand your desire to let the OW know you are reclaiming your territory, but there really isn't alot of weight behind it in the OW's eyes because she could care less how you feel. She only cares how your husband feels about her and where he stands...and he refused to write her a letter to that effect.

 

several people on LS told me to just forget about insisting on the NC letter, at this point it would just hamper the R of our marriage.

 

I disagree, FWIW. I don't see how a WSwriting an NC letter to an affair partner could possibly hinder the recovery of the marriage. It can only help and he should have been willing to do it if he truly wanted to put the affair behind him and wanted to recover the marriage.

 

So, I've stopped asking for it. He ended it with her over the phone several days before he came back home.

 

Or so he says. Did you hear the converstation between them? Maybe she ended it with him. Or maybe there was no conversation to that effect between them. How do you really know for sure.

 

We've been in IC and are now discussing options for MC.

 

If he commits to MC, it will be the first move he makes in the right direction.

 

We all know our spouses the best and I felt it was ok for me to resume sex with him, no different than many of the others on this thread.

 

Of course, that's your choice. Has he been tested for STD's? Have you?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Taylor, why the heck are you being so hard on Molley? Recovery is a process, as is deciding what is the best course of action.

[taylor]

Taylor, why the heck are you being so hard on Molley? Recovery is a process, as is deciding what is the best course of action.

 

Not hard on Molley. Hard on her husband. Someone needs to be.

 

Molley has been trying to recover this marriage for MONTHS and she is back to square one.

 

What has recovery looked like for them?

 

After D-day he:

 

Contacts the OW again and lies to her about it.

 

She throws him out.

 

She takes him back and they have great sex.

 

He goes on a business trip and contacts his OW again and lies to her again.

 

She throws him out again.

 

He contacts the OW again.

 

He crawls back home to a comfy bed and calls the affair a mistake (bad choice of words)

 

He refuses to write the OW a letter telling her the affair is over, he is recommitting to his wife, and he wants no contact...all because he doesn't want to hurt the OW's feelings. He refuses to do what Molley asks him to do..so she has to do it herself.

 

They have great sex.

 

 

Does this even look remotely like recovery?

 

I know that recovery is a process and I know what it should look like..at least the beginning stages. This is FAR from it.

 

And I DO think she should be tested for STD's and insist her husband is, too, don't you think?

[taylor]

Taylor, why the heck are you being so hard on Molley? Recovery is a process, as is deciding what is the best course of action.

 

Have you read Molley's thread, "Marriage in Crisis. Husband has Retreated"?

 

Read post 317 by a poster TroyNJ..and then read the following one by TooDamnPragmatic.

 

In fact, read the entire thread.

 

It will give you some insight into where I am coming from.

 

Molley, I hope you and your husband get into MC to learn the necessary steps in how to recover a marriage.

 

Offering mind-blowing sex in between OW contact is not the way.

 

Recovery is a two-way street. You have been doing all the heavy lifting and he appears to have done nothing but contradict all that you have been trying to do.

 

All of your hard work and effort appears to have been wasted on a man who has yet to show you he is truly committed.

 

It's time for him to start doing the heavy lifting. In fact, it's past time.

[aeh]

Okay, almost two months out.....hysterical bonding has NOT stopped. Still 2-3 times a day, yesterday it was 4!!! (Pretty impressive for a guy in his mid-40s!) I am not sure who is reclaiming who anymore at this point....I would almost say it's him reclaiming me, but we're both enjoying it immensely:)

 

We went out on Sat nite with friends to a kind of place we never go to, and my H was not happy at all with the attention I was getting. I must say, I was THRILLED! (Yep, there's that battered self-esteem again )

 

Had a few triggers that night which made all the attention that much sweeter.

 

Shoot, I feel so childish!

[Dexter Morgan]

IF this is true, then stop saying how difficult it's going to be to "break" your cheating "HABIT".

 

was the point I was trying to make.

one can't say they have "changed" if they still wonder if they can keep it in their pants or not.