Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 my story, i'll break it down: 1)my ex, my first love, broke up with me cruelly back in Feb.. but didn't tell me, rather he ignored me til i took the hint and wouldn't answer questions until i finally left him alone. we were together 6 years so this was heartless behavior from him. 2)i go strict NC for months 3) i find out through the internet he is out partying at clubs all the time having fun (i feel awful, thinking he must have felt tied down with me and now he is enjoying his freedom) 3)he sends the odd little text message here and there, not often just every month or so, not saying very much, not begging me back just 1 liners like 'i miss u' or a blank msg.. i don't bite the bait and continue NC 4)he puts up attention seeking things on his msn (i keep him blocked and still don't bite the bait) i keep up NC for 5 months 5)then suddenly after 1 month of hearing nothing from him my ex texts me saying he heard i'm pregnant 6)i stupidly fall for this and answer him, partly because i feel i want to talk to him to get closure (i know the pregnant thing is just an attention seeking ploy but i decide to answer him so i can find out why he broke up with me and use it as an excuse to talk with him) 7) we talk through txts, he checks in with me finds out what i'm up to now, that i'm still alive etc and that is it. he doesn't say sorry or ask me back or say he missed me 8) afew days later we talk thru texts again when i bring up the pregnant story and ask him if he made it up, it gets jokey and fun.. we talk about old fun times, very brief tho then he drops several cool hints at meeting up, me taking him out in the car etc 9) after the weekend i stupidly initiate contact and ask him to meet up, and refer to the things he hinted at, like he still had my cd, when did he want to give me it back,etc. he told me he has a hangover then ignores me.. 10) i push further, he still ignores me, yet he doesn't say 'no i don't want to meet you' he just doesn't answer. 11) i go out get drunk come home and feel sorry for myself and angry that he ignored me reaching out to him so i decide to text him and tell him how much he hurt me, that i really loved him and he will never find a girl like me again and i hope it was worth it 12) he turns nasty tells me to go away, we argue back and forth through texts, me telling him i didn't deserve him treating me badly and him telling me to leave him alone, and him insulting my looks (funny he didn't have a problem with my looks for 6 years) he tells me to go away that he just texted me asking if i was pregnant and that was all (ie he didn't want to get into intense conversation or get back with me) then he says 'nice hearing from you bye bye' 13) now i'm back to NC for good, 100% (tho i still like to analyze it lol) So.. did i ruin things? why would he be so nasty? does he just not want to face up to the fact he did wrong things and hurt me? or is he just actually through with me and over me- tho why get in contact at all and hint at meeting up.. does he just see me as old reliable, old faithful who he can pick up when he gets bored of his new clubbers lifestyle? i now look like a weak doormat! do u think he meant the nasty things he said? i prob already know the answers, but i just want other opinions which is why i'm posting. i think he just didn't want to get into confrontation about how badly he had treated me, that he was ok with casual conversation and checking in with me and maybe if he felt bored in the future he thought he could meet up with me and then i pushed it too much and looked weak so technically i walked into it and he was nasty because he knows he can be.. do u agree? what do you guys think?? (i know i should never have broken NC in the first place btw, hindsight is a wonderful thing)
Thomas X Forever Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 This topic, to me, was around 8 or 12 reasons why not to give a damn about him. You obsessing over this, however, is causing you mental damage that will not easily be corrected. Heed that warning. You may want to consider professional help, possibly be looked at for an anxiety disorder, because what you're doing is very mentally damaging. This guy is an idiot, and we ALL here have told you that. You are obsessing, and there just isn't anything else we can tell you anymore. Not even the best of us at psychology, can get in his head and explain to you why he's doing what he is. My best guess is that if this obsessive behavior is an indication of how you were during the relationship, you smothered him.
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 i know you're right, the thing is i'm obsessing, it's not even him who is doing the damage to me anymore, i know i'm doing it to myself, i'm torturing myself, i just don't get why he would play with me like this.. hint at meeting then once he had reeled me in tell me to go away.. maybe he is actually just mental. i know i need to switch off from this.. just when i'm bored my mind starts to wonder.. tho either way i am def strict NC now and i've deleted everything again. the thing is i know i have plans for this weekend and i have things to occupy my time but i still continue to obsess. and looking back at the relationship i think he always had a hold over me, and that his behaviour now relates to that, him still wanting to have power over me or whatever.. i think he may have some serious problems tho, either that or he is just a heartless b*stard.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 No, YOU NEED HELP. It's not all him. I'm not intending to be cruel, but merely REALISTICALLY OBJECTIVE. So many people here will hold your or anyone elses hand because they can empathize with being a dumper. I, on the other hand, will tell you what you need to hear, and it'll hurt. Earlier I took a nicer approach, but now I see you have ANOTHER topic again asking the SAME things! Call the psychologist / councilor / therapist TODAY. Make an appointment. Preferably a psychologist, because they have the PhD in psychology. You need help. I know it hurts to have someone tell you this, but I know what I'm talking about, and you sure need to hear it. So swallow your pride and make an appointment. For your own good, do it. Your ex is so cruel to you now most likely because you didn't ever back off. You most likely smothered him, I'm about 95% sure. That's not to say he's INNOCENT by any means, because he is being WRONG in his actions now. But I was smothered by a girl once, and I sure as hell told her to go to hell, because she wouldn't EVER GO AWAY. There was ALWAYS another excuse, SOMETHING for her to say to contact me.
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 i posted the other thread just to be more specific because i regret sending that particular text and i was interested in how my ex would have perceived it.. tho i shouldn't give a damn.
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 it's only when i am alone and bored, restless that i come on here and post and vent and go on and on and on asking for answers. i work, i have friends i go out i have hobbies but the days when i am alone is when i obsess. when i'm occupied or have something else to focus on i am ok (still not over it but ok) and there are other reasons why i obsess, aside from my ex treating me like that.. i've reached a crossroads in my life, i just finished university which occupied my hours for 4 years, now i'm working out what to do with my life.. my ex is gone and that part of my life is gone, i'm looking to find things to occupy my time and when i get down about it i post ridiculously. another thing is that my ex controlled me in the relationship, he was almost obsessive, he loved me and didn't want anyone else to have me(i know this is unhealthy btw and i should be glad to be free of that) BUT that is why its hard to comprehend that now he doesn't give a damn because just afew months ago he couldn't be without me, he loved me obsessively..
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 i know i shouldn't obsess so much, i'm just trying to understand HIS behaviour rather than mine. thats why i posted this story so ppl can read it and tell me why he might be behaving like this? cuz i really don't think it is anything i did, i think my behavior is irrelevant, whether i hounded him with texts or not.. ? it's like why text me and hint at meeting up one minute then the next minute tell me to go away? it doesn't make sense!!!!!! if he wanted me to go away why text at all?!!
boogieboy Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I told you what his behavior means in your other thread. But youre obsessing so much, no answers will be good enough for you. You have to make a concerted effort to stop obsessing, or at least stop engaging your obsession in a way that makes you search for more answers that are never good enough for you. Youre going around in circles and looping these thoughts in your head. What I mean is, you might have to stop posting about it here because it is making you look more for answers that were already answered. Or you can try looking for a new man, searching for someone new helped me stop obsessing.
marmaliade Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 it's like why text me and hint at meeting up one minute then the next minute tell me to go away? it doesn't make sense!!!!!! if he wanted me to go away why text at all?!! To keep you mentally attached and to reassure himself that you're still holding on to him I bet he'll do it again, it looks like he is having good time playing with your feelings... Just ignore him. Good luck
t0ri Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 You're obsessing because you don't understand his behavior...but you will never know why he did what he did. People do things and nobody can explain why, except them, and sometimes not even them. Your story is a little similar to mine, though. My ex dumped me out of the blue by changing his facebook status to single, and was extremely cruel about it when I confronted him. So I went NC and he text me every week for 3 weeks saying mean things, which I ignored. Then he accused me of cheating on him, so I caved and replied to defend my loyalty throughout our relationship (over 2 years, btw). Then he came back and we discussed what went wrong in our relationship, and he was nice and we agreed to slowly start things over between us (this lasted a month). Then one night we got in a small fight over something I had every reason to be mad about, and the next day I get a text dumping me again. I then run into him at school an hour later and he is completely rude, and later tells me he wants me out of his life forever. So you and I are similar in the sense that they dumped us cruelly, were nice for a bit, then back to being nasty and done with us. We'll really never fully understand what happened or why they acted like that. BUT, if I had to guess, I'd say your ex dumped you because he wanted to be without you, obviously. Then maybe he didn't think talking to you would be a bad idea, and wanted you to want him still. But then once he tried that idea out, he realized it wasn't even worth it. Probably since you got a little eager and smothered the situation (which I can understand, I think I'm guilty of doing that as well). I'm pretty positive my ex had second thoughts on if he made a mistake in dumping me, which he told me he had, and then the MINUTE we had ONE fight, his feelings were verified that I wasn't worth the time or work. It hurts, I know! You didn't ruin things, and you didn't deserve to be treated cruelly. I can bet you're in panic-mode, over-analyzing everything, looking for answers from everyone and anyone, because you're hurt and don't understand! I don't think that means you need "help." Lots of people go through that, including me. I talked to everyone about it trying to figure out why he was treating me badly and such. You just need acceptance of this situation - that you won't understand why he acted that way, and you can't blame yourself, but yes, he is most likely done with you. He told you to leave him alone, like my ex told me he wanted me out of his life forever, so save what dignity you have left and do not contact or reply to him ever again! And eventually you'll let go of those unanswered questions. I have, and it's been 3 months for me! But the thing I'll never understand is how mean my ex was to me. Like after 2 years of loving me, suddenly I'm dirt to him, and he made that clear by his actions. That's unfathomable to me. And I don't think it was to get a point across, as some would say. So I can't help you there. Good luck
moo Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'm starting to let go of the unanswered questions too. I will NEVER get answers to my questions. Besides, he's a liar, so even if he did, I wouldn't believe him any way. At some point, you just have to let the "whys" go. I know it's hard and I know it's not fair, but what else can you do except drive yourself crazy? I'm a firm believer in therapy and I think therapy can make it easier on anyone who is shocked, or traumatized, or miserable from a break up. To be honest, I think everyone in the whole world should be in therapy at one time or another in their lives, simply because life can be sooo hard and so painful at times. Break ups can literally be traumatizing...of course there are worse things that can happen to you, but the pain can be soooo real, sooo intense and almost crippling. But one day, the sun really will come out again.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'm starting to let go of the unanswered questions too. I will NEVER get answers to my questions. Besides, he's a liar, so even if he did, I wouldn't believe him any way. At some point, you just have to let the "whys" go. I know it's hard and I know it's not fair, but what else can you do except drive yourself crazy? I'm a firm believer in therapy and I think therapy can make it easier on anyone who is shocked, or traumatized, or miserable from a break up. To be honest, I think everyone in the whole world should be in therapy at one time or another in their lives, simply because life can be sooo hard and so painful at times. Break ups can literally be traumatizing...of course there are worse things that can happen to you, but the pain can be soooo real, sooo intense and almost crippling. But one day, the sun really will come out again. Quoted 4 truth.
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 thanks for the replys every1, great post t0ri. i know i prob will never get exact answers and he certainly won't give me them i am certain of that. i keep torturing myself and those around me, bugging them for their opinions. people can tell me why they think he most likely behaved this way but only he knows for sure yet he is acting like a complete *******, like he has done nothing wrong, he'll never give me answers/closure the thing that i really don't understand is how he just turned on me like that after 6 years of adoring me- and i know he did love me. now he just treats me like something he has stood in. i could understand if i had actually done something to him like if i'd cheated or something horrible but i actually did nothing wrong. it's like why does he seem to hate me all of a sudden. i still wonder if he will ever get in touch again. he wanted me out of his life yet he kept my number all these months and i checked today and i'm still on his msn contact list (i have him blocked tho) yet the last time we talked he told me to go away and said "i heard something and i asked you about it that's all so bye bye good hearing from you" that is just so cutting and cruel it's like he has suddenly become someone else. i miss what he was, the person i knew back then but it seems like he is just someone totally different now. over the relationship we had fights ofcourse but he has actually never been as nasty as this before. how can he suddenly hate me if i did nothing wrong. i'm heading out this weekend and i know i'll be drinking, and i must be really weak but i have this urge to text him at like 4am and just say 'i miss u' because that is how i feel. then if he is nasty again, i'll just say i did it because i was drunk. I ALREADY KNOW THIS IS AN IDIOTIC THING TO DO! and i know i should stick to NC and never contact him again. i don't even know why i want to do it, i know it's dumb, he did it to me once afew months ago... i need to be done with his stupid games and do NC. i know that. it's hard to accept he is completely done. but he's just changed so much.
t0ri Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 DON'T DO IT! Delete his number! (You probably have it memorized, though, like me). He seriously does not deserve the satisfaction of knowing that you miss his sorry ass! You really need to respect his will and leave him alone. Once my ex told me he wanted me gone forever, I was. End of story. You need to do the same, so you won't continue this cycle and end up hurt and confused anymore! He already knows how you feel, that you miss him, and there's nothing left for you to say. He got his point across by blatantly telling you to leave him alone. Get your point across that you're done with his BS by not saying a word to him. He's probably expecting to hear from you at some point, but shock him that you actually DO have some willpower and self-respect by keeping NC! I'm sure you'll be hearing from him again if you do that, NOT that that is an incentive to do it. Do it for yourself dear! You're going to keep bringing yourself to square one if you keep breaking NC, especially for pointless reasons. Why try talking to someone who doesn't want to hear from you? You're clinging to whatever's left, but really it probably is just pushing him further away, if that is possible.
aloneanddepressed Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Chairmaine, this guy sounds without a doubt, a jerk. I have read some of your other posts too. It sounds like he is just stringing you along and seeing how much he can control you. He may be getting a kick out of you not getting the answers you want. The guy I dated was a jerk, but this sounds worse, and after 6 years, what is he thinking? You do deserve better than this, I would completely ignore him for good. I still have got not answers from the loser I dated, and maybe never will. I will continue to wonder about this for a good while I'm sure. If I EVER am able to send private IM's, I will give you my AOL name or whatever, and maybe we can chat, as we seem to be going through the same thing, although yours seem a lot worse.
moo Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I believe that people just don't suddenly change and behave completely different in a relationship. It's my guess that once time goes by and you get some distance, you may realize that he didn't treat you as well as you think he did. It's important because there are so many red flags that we don't see, or we see them and we choose to ignore them. The way my ex treated me in the end was a total SHOCK...but it shouldn't have been. He acted like an unworthy a-hole throughout the entire relationship. If I didn't keep making excuses for him, I would have left him before our second date. I would have saved myself time, anguish, pain, and extreme stress.
georgia girl Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Charmaigne, Perhaps this is the cruellest thing to say to you, but I think it's the most honest. If you contact him, you're only going to turn him off. He will see you as an overly emotional, hopelessly attached woman that he got a lucky escape from. He's not going to feel bad for hurting you. In fact, he will use your stalking him (and that's what this is) as a rationale for his previous behavior. Contacting him will make you more unattractive to him than you've ever been. Go out there and get on with life (as I am now going to - it's time for my yoga class). This thing is over. Let it go.
lovdnlost Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 This thing is over. Let it go. this is all you need to know.
New_life Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 hang in there dont contact him. You and me are in the same boat, hang in there dont contact him you also told me that once, I took the advice and didn't contact, yesterday she texts me song lyrics how she misses me but I hold on. When I don't contact her she is the one thinking About me. If I contact her she is sucky and mean.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Well, my ex forgot about me while I was still his gf. Sad, but true. (Sigh). I'm a little sad today. It's so hard when you are forgotten and replaced before he even breaks up with you. It's sad when he tells you he loves you, but says "no" to couple's counseling and then leaves you. But what can I do? All of this stuff has already happened to me. No magic wand will erase that. I do know that I will never have another relationship with someone who is apathetic about the relationship. I don't think relationships should be horribly difficult all the time...but they do require work. I want someone who is willing to do that, not someone who's attitude is "stay or go, I really don't care." All I can do is just keep healing. It sucks.
t0ri Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Well, my ex forgot about me while I was still his gf. Sad, but true. (Sigh). I'm a little sad today. It's so hard when you are forgotten and replaced before he even breaks up with you. It's sad when he tells you he loves you, but says "no" to couple's counseling and then leaves you. But what can I do? All of this stuff has already happened to me. Wow, I completely relate. How old are you, Moo? If I may ask... AND original poster, how old are you? If I may ask... Just curious, as I feel alone at my age in similar situations.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I am 43. I've had very few relationships. I think I am learning things that some learn in their teenage years or early 20's.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Charmaigne, Perhaps this is the cruellest thing to say to you, but I think it's the most honest. If you contact him, you're only going to turn him off. He will see you as an overly emotional, hopelessly attached woman that he got a lucky escape from. He's not going to feel bad for hurting you. In fact, he will use your stalking him (and that's what this is) as a rationale for his previous behavior. Contacting him will make you more unattractive to him than you've ever been. Go out there and get on with life (as I am now going to - it's time for my yoga class). This thing is over. Let it go. Georgia girl there is another thread that needs this post SOOOO bad, so im gonna quote you over there...another stalker.
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