broken_promises Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 While I should be enjoying the freedom that comes from moving on (getting in shape, doing things with friends, making my apartment my own without thinking of what my ex is going to say, doing what I want and becoming myself again) I guess my pessimistic slant on this is two-fold. First, this kind of rediscovery happens to me (and many people) after a breakup. They start to do things they haven't done since they were single, feel freedom again without having to consider someone else, and start doing new things. After my first major breakup after 6 years with my b/f, I discovered my bisexuality, lost weight, and traveled extensively. After the next breakup after 4 years with my g/f, I worked out, started running (something I'd never done) and went on a solo, life-changing road trip across the U.S. And know what? After a while, I got lonely and restless and started to date again. And I got into a great relationship, thought I could preserve my sense of self and life, and spent 3-1/2 years with someone new... only to breakup and find myself right back where I was after my LAST breakups. Having to work out again and find myself again after losing my independence to a relationship. And, quite honestly, I am finding little comfort this time around. I'm bored of this human inclination for a grass-is-greener mentality. When you are in love or in a relationship, it is all great and wonderful until you or the other person loses their sense of self or gets bored with the daily life of a relationship. When you are single, freedom and coming back to your own identity is amazing until you get lonely and want to be with someone. It's a pendulum and I want off. I want to figure out how to combine the two because it seems like people can either be single, thin, and adventurous or in a relationship, fat, and boring/stifled. The other component of my pessimism is that while I am feeling all of this freedom and newfound sense of self and confidence, so is my ex. Ugh. And that thought makes me want to die. Again, that is something messed up about me, but it is why I am finding little comfort in suddenly doing all the "single" things again... because you know what? He is too. As did my ex before him and the ex before that. Can't I just have one ex that completely flounders after we breakup? Everything goes to pieces and they don't find happiness and they certainly don't get married? (Both of my exes got married after me and I'll bet that this one will too. And probably have kids, even though he said he didn't want to when we were together.) I'm just bored with the whole relationship/breakup process. I seem to have little motivation this time around. Last time, it felt like there was a purpose to getting in shape and finding new adventures. This time, I'm just bitter and angry that I have to do this all over again.
Sbrizio Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Hello Broken_promises, this is a very good point you raise. Sometime i start to wonder if the real fallacy of human nature creeps out slowly the more we progress in our experiences and relationships. I still hope these thoughs are an effect of the post breakup pessimism. Most of the people professing the "moving on" underline that you ought to be a satisfied person within yourself..I don't believe this is possible, though. Moving on is probably just the best of the bads, in the sense that if one doesn't focus on himself, if one doesn't fill his life with new experiences, it would take so much longer before he can expect to find a new kind of happiness. So i guess the problem here is that we are struck in a cycle of "loss - work to regain stability - meet someone new". And i agree we're not supposed to enjoy the "move on" part so much. Do these cycles last forever? Or maybe as we get older we'll feel more and more the heaviness of being single, and we (and our SOs of the time) will be more keen in making a R work even if it is not the best relationship possible? I am 33 now, and i have several female friends of my age who reason in this way. They started to look after the "not the worst" option for their life. I'm quite pessimistic right now, also because i'm starting now to move on, and i was so confident i had found the right one, that i'm disgusted with the whole idea of starting the cycle anew. But what's the option, really???
adamt Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Do you find as you get older you get more fed up with the getting together and breaking up process over and over. when i was in my early 20s it was much easier as you were expereincing life. In my late 30s, i thought my ex was my long term partner. it didnt work out after 3 years. but i'm at the age where i want to settle down now. things seemed to have changed in the last 3 years or so and more of my friends are now settled with families. You would think in your late 30s people know what they want and dont mess about then break it off after a couple of years. I just dont feel i have the energy to start from scratch anymore.
sedgwick Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Adam: totally agreed!! I'm 38 and thought that with my last bf, I'd found the one I'd be with forever. I was madly in love and treated him better than I've ever treated anyone. And then, suddenly, one day, without warning -- dumped. That was two years ago and I haven't even been on a date since. I just feel like I'm too old, and like everyone good is taken. Sigh.
adamt Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 yeah its the feelings that they are into you and serious about taking the relationship to the next level. then when you hit a difficult patch they just think "what the heck, i'm not that bothered afterall in working on it so time to go". you don't seem to even get the chance to work on things
joseffrost Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Do you find as you get older you get more fed up with the getting together and breaking up process over and over. when i was in my early 20s it was much easier as you were expereincing life. In my late 30s, i thought my ex was my long term partner. it didnt work out after 3 years. but i'm at the age where i want to settle down now. things seemed to have changed in the last 3 years or so and more of my friends are now settled with families. You would think in your late 30s people know what they want and dont mess about then break it off after a couple of years. I just dont feel i have the energy to start from scratch anymore. Jesus, I'm 25 and I feel the same... perhaps I'm old before my years!
adamt Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 25 years old is still young. get out there and travel the world. leave the settling down until you are well into your 30s. When i was 25 i had barely started my career job. Go with the flow and see what comes up as you go along you path. i look back and wish i did a lot more things for myself at that age.
huck Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Just to put a slightly positive slant on the age thing.. Was in the pub with my mate on the weekend and he was talking about his gran whos in her 70's.. Shes just met a new boyfriend and they are ' AT IT ' so to speak.. They were his words - obviously weird talking about your granny having sexy time. No matter what age you are - theres always someone out there - surely ???
Author broken_promises Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Thanks for all the replies... it helps to know that I'm not the only pessimist when I start feeling frustrated with this. Yes, I find that after this breakup (my third long-but-short-term one) and now that I'm 33, I am just tired of the whole process. My ex is a commitment phobe - he made big "life partner" promises from the start and then didn't follow through and we broke up 3-1/2 years later. (I was his longest relationship, btw.) I said to him during the breakup, "I don't understand... you are 37 and you have gone through relationships like you go through toothbrushes. How is it that you don't know yourself well enough at this point to tell the girl you are dating: " Hey... just so you know... I tend to fall really hard for someone, make all these promises about a future together that includes marriage, and then flake out as soon as things start to move closer to real commitment." He was NOT too fond of me phrasing things like that, but seriously... so I guess that yes, many people even into their 30's just haven't figured themselves out and still think that there is this magical "one" out there for them. I guess I'm at the point where I do want love, but it's different than when I was younger. I'm also looking for some sense of security to go along with the love. And yes, it is soooo frustrating to feel like you found the right person only to have to start all over again. Not to mention, as you get older, you start to feel like you have less and less time to find someone who isn't already taken and/or also carrying around 15 years of dating baggage. And a little thank you note to Huck... that story does help counteract the pessimism a bit.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yes, I find that after this breakup (my third long-but-short-term one) and now that I'm 33, I am just tired of the whole process. My ex is a commitment phobe - he made big "life partner" promises from the start and then didn't follow through and we broke up 3-1/2 years later. Well, you are definitely not alone. I just turned 33, I have had four serious relationships in which the men initiated serious conversations about marriage, and my last boyfriend was a commitment phobe who swung from telling me I was the love of his life and saying I was the first woman he wanted to marry and have a family with to repeatedly getting "scared" and pulling away. I feel pretty cynical about the prospect of lasting love, for the first time in my life, and that scares me a little. I want to figure out how to combine the two because it seems like people can either be single, thin, and adventurous or in a relationship, fat, and boring/stifled. I don't think that's true. But you do need to have a healthy, balanced relationship that supports your own personal goals for development, health, and so on. That's the hard part. I've only really had that once, and it was with the one guy who was great on paper, but didn't really light my fire. It's not an easy balance to find. Hell, it's not easy to balance your OWN life, let alone your life blended with someone else's. *makes margaritas for everyone*
Battlewax Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'm trying to figure out why this last one was so much easier to get through than the last couple. I guess I wasn't as into the relationship than I thought
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