dimsteps Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 This thread applies more to on/off relationships, but feel free to add your thoughts regardless. I got out of an on/off relationship about two months ago. I was dumped. We both broke up with each other several times through out our nearly two year relationship. Whenever I broke up with her, it was easier to deal with life and try to move on. And vice versa for her, I'm sure. Are we that simple? Is having the power to reject somebody all it takes to make breaking up easier? You know full well that the other party would have broken it off at some point, so why is the fact that you broke it off this time such a big factor in how you feel afterwards? It makes it all seem so trivial, all of these power games. Does anybody have any insight on the psychology of rejection? This was a bad relationship and I do not want to go back to it, but I feel rejected even though I know I would have broken up with her anyway. It's almost semantic, but why does it feel bad?
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 IMO, it's an interplay with power and control. Think about non-romantic relationships and the role of power and control in them. Simply, by proactively rejecting someone, you process your feelings in advance and, at the moment of the act, care the least and have the most control and power, even if the relationship with that person is strained and their interest and care is generally low. Imagine, for a moment, that you've agreed to divorce amicably. There's no rancor, no anger, little pain. OK, then one of you has to actually file the papers and serve the other person to properly go through the process. What is the difference between being the server and the served? How does it feel? I'll let you know in a month or so
burningashes Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Yup, who wants to be the dumpee however sucky the relationship was? The dumper/dumpee relationship is basically a win/lose one. The dumpee essentially loses the power to the dumper and the dumper feels empowered in rejecting the dumpee. Yes, you "would" have broken up with her anyway, she still dumped you first. Sorry to hear that you feel sucky about it though
Exit Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Yeah I feel that way about my situation. Even with each and every piece of the puzzle in the exact same place, knowing what I did wrong in the relationship, knowing what she did wrong, if I had been the one to initiate the breakup, I know I wouldn't still be thinking about it. I've tried to get myself to move on my telling myself exactly that, to be conscious of all her faults, and to pretend that I'm the one who ended it. I certainly had enough reason to. It makes me feel better for moments at a time but doesn't actually change the reality of the situation.
Thaddeus Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Carhill has it right on. Like all human relationships, there's a power dynamic that can't be ignored. Someone on the boards mentioned that the one with the most power in the relationship is the one that cares the least. And in the dumper/dumpee relationship, that power is manifested in its most final form. As one who's been on both sides of the equation more than once, I know from personal experience that being the dumpee is always more painful, especially when she throws in the "let's still be friends" insult. That's not to say that being the dumper is free of angst; it's just that the one being rejected is more likely to suffer pain than the one doing the rejecting.
redhighheels Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Good points have been made so far. I agree that power is an incredibly powerful force when it comes to breakups. Along with rejection, the dumpees also lose control when the other person is making a decision that affects them and in which they have no saying whatsoever. I think this sudden and unexpected loss of power that has such a huge impact on your life can be quite debilitating. That's why most people fantasize over and over about the ex coming back and begging for a second chance, only to be rejected. As delusional as that might be, this type of thinking has a therapeutical value to it because it allows the dumpee to gain back some power. It's the same with victims of violent crimes who replay the events in their mind only this time they stand up to the aggresor. It helps to heal.
Taucher Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I believe that power can be gained in other ways. My situation changed about 2 weeks ago, when I spoke to my ex on the phone. I called her and said that I cannot be friends with her because I need to move on and I still have strong feelings, and that I am deleting all of her and her friends from my Facebook to help me move on. She got incredibly angry at this, saying I was cutting her out of my life and even called me 'cruel'. She cried and cried and told me that she will never meet anyone like me. Note: SHE LEFT ME! Suddenly. Basically, she had control of our romantic and loving relationship. I took control of the friendship. I got SOME power back. As a result, our relationship has sort of changed and it would appear to other people as if I were the dumper and she the dumpee. T
Els Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 No. In my case it was easier for me to break up with my ex than for him to take it because I was PREPARED for it. I'd mulled over it and cried my heart out for months already. So yes, when the time came, it was easier for me. That doesn't mean that it hurt me less. Just at a different time.
Trialbyfire Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 People tie break up into their self-esteem. 'Tis all about pride and rejection. If more caring had been put into the relationship and less on pride/ego, more relationships would work.
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