tigressA Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I've been having a basic ambivalency issue in regards to my relationship with my BF. We've been together for 20 months and over the last weeks, I've made an effort to feel better about things between us/work things out because I wasn't feeling the best about our relationship; I felt like we were really stagnant. We talked earlier and he told me that he hates himself, that he doesn't think he's a good person. In that moment I felt so frustrated. I said, "This isn't your fault; it's not about you not being 'good enough'...we're just really different and I'm not sure I can handle that anymore. We've had more than our share of problems that have been brought on by distinct, ingrained parts of our personalities that have so far proven impossible to change. And that's why I feel so guilty staying here; I'm using you and your family while I'm feeling like this. I should leave now; I should go...stay with my dad or something." He said, "You're not using anyone; I want you here. It's nice having you here. Don't think about it...don't think about 'feelings'. I don't care about us being different; I'm easy to please. You make me happy; I don't want you to leave." I was tempted to say, "Well, I guess I should just leave now then and end it all, since I deserve much better than to be with someone who's not a good person. You yourself said you're not a good person; what's to keep me from thinking the same thing?" But I don't know how he'd react to it. I wonder if saying that would actually help things--like make him see how he's acting and have it be a catalyst for positive change in our relationship, make him so angry that he would force me out of his family's home, or make him do what he's done after every talk we've had: pretty much nothing. I feel like I haven't done everything to try to make things work with him; I don't want to just give up. I do care about him a lot, but our conversation just made me feel like maybe this is a lost cause and I shouldn't bother anymore; I should just get out now and cut all the ties. Someone help!
mortensorchid Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You should dear, cut all ties and move on. I was in a situation like this years ago. This man was a bunch of raw nerve ends, self imposed damage and constant crying about how he wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. I was just reassuring him the whole time telling him "Oh no, honey, you're wonderful!" until he ran away like the scared little coward he is. He'll hurt you, and you'll feel like a fool because he wasted your time. Bitter pills to swallow, but you will feel better somehow someday. I promise.
burningashes Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 The man is basically insecure, and you never want to be in a relationship with an insecure person. He is looking for you to constantly compliment himself to help with his self esteem, and you enable it. Eventually you will start to resent it, because people who are like that don't compliment you on anything. You will just plain out get tired of it. This is from what I've observed in some other relationships, I don't know if this is true for you. Anyway- insecure people often experience depression, have you noticed any signs he might be depressed? This may be a red flag for the illness, so if it is a possibility, you may want to encourage him to seek help for it. He might learn how to love himself again, and in turn, love you better. Love thyself first. That also applies to you. If you are unhappy with this man, leave the relationship. Look after your own happiness first. If you want to give him a chance, I'd say go for it and be honest with him how you feel if that's what will make you happy. If not, I'd say you should leave.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 See, that's the weird thing--he doesn't go on and on all the time about how he's not good enough or he's a bad person and I really don't think he's depressed. It only seems to come out if I talk to him about an issue we've been having, which has happened often. He'll start saying, "I'm a jerk; I'm sorry, blah blah blah" and I'm starting to think it's a major-league guilt trip he's pulling, thinking that I'll always kiss him on the forehead and say, "It's okay, babe." I was doing that last night by saying that "It's not that you're not good enough; none of this is your fault", etc. I AM enabling him by allowing him to get away with these guilt trips and that's why I was thinking of turning all his words back on him just to see what would happen. We do have good moments in our relationship which makes me believe it's worth salvaging, but it's hard when the negatives are outweighing the positives. I don't feel like I'm getting out of the relationship what I used to; I am not as happy in the relationship as I used to be. I've been trying to change that but it's so hard.
espec10001 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 See, that's the weird thing--he doesn't go on and on all the time about how he's not good enough or he's a bad person and I really don't think he's depressed. It only seems to come out if I talk to him about an issue we've been having, which has happened often. He'll start saying, "I'm a jerk; I'm sorry, blah blah blah" and I'm starting to think it's a major-league guilt trip he's pulling, thinking that I'll always kiss him on the forehead and say, "It's okay, babe." I was doing that last night by saying that "It's not that you're not good enough; none of this is your fault", etc. I AM enabling him by allowing him to get away with these guilt trips and that's why I was thinking of turning all his words back on him just to see what would happen. We do have good moments in our relationship which makes me believe it's worth salvaging, but it's hard when the negatives are outweighing the positives. I don't feel like I'm getting out of the relationship what I used to; I am not as happy in the relationship as I used to be. I've been trying to change that but it's so hard. When the negative start to outweigh the positives in a relationship, it's time to jump ship. Though times can be tough and sticking together can make things stronger, when you start to see the relationship as more negative than positive it's time to cut your losses and move on. I learned this the hard way holding on to a dying relationship that only caused more distress the longer we stayed together.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 When the negative start to outweigh the positives in a relationship, it's time to jump ship. Though times can be tough and sticking together can make things stronger, when you start to see the relationship as more negative than positive it's time to cut your losses and move on. I learned this the hard way holding on to a dying relationship that only caused more distress the longer we stayed together. I know; things are hard right now. Well, they've been hard for weeks. I've talked to him several times and a couple of things changed for the better, but the biggest issues are still there, and those are ones that have cropped up over and over just because we are the way we are. I thought that we could make things work despite the fact that we're incredibly different, but being with him this summer has brought difficulties to a head. My BF suggests that part of it is because we've been around each other every day for more than 2 months now and we're normally long-distance, seeing each other every other weekend. I suppose that could be part of it, but...if things are like this now, how would things be if we ended up living together? And it's stupid just to keep a relationship long-distance so things can work a little better.
Author tigressA Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I think I'm just going to end it...I really don't think there's anything else I could do. Our relationship has been dying for awhile and I've tried to make things work but I can't think of what else to do. It's a real hassle because I'm staying with him for the summer and I'll have to have someone (most likely him) drive me to my dad's place, which is hours away. I'll have to quit my job that I have here and give up 6 weeks worth of pay, which is about how much longer I have until I start my new semester at school. I just can't stay here out of convenience, no matter how often he says that that's not what I'm doing. I wish I could think of something else to do though; I really do. I care about him a lot but I don't know how to hold on to that AND be happier in the face of all this...
hoping2heal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 So, he only acts like this in response to when you try and bring up an issue? That's almost even worse. No one is perfect, no one. Our relationships require work and smoothing out and compromise. If everytime I tried to work out our problems with my partner he just started crying and talking about how he isn't good enough, yikes. Makes me shudder to think about. I would tell him this ; do you want this relationship to work? Yes? No? You decide, and if that answer is yes, stop trying to manipulate me or guilt me by putting on a lifetime melodrama mini series, act like an adult and talk with me, that is what I need. That is what WE need if we're going to strenghten and grow our relationship. If he can't do that, I don't see the point of staying together because how will you two ever work out problems?
aloneanddepressed Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I know the guy I was dating felt the same way. he always threw comments at me like he wasn't good enough. he said i should find someone else. he even told me girls he dated in the past had friends who made comments, she could do better. its all some BS to make you feel sorry for them. I did end up hurt. he cowardly left the relationship and never said a word to me. i somehow feel lots of guilt , but i think it may have been he thought he wasn't good enough for me. he clearly was highly insecure, and i can't say i'm highly confident myself, but at least i don't go around saying crap like "im not good enough" blah blah...
Recommended Posts