overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I will do my best to make this short. I was 39, MY CLOCK was more than ticking and I met him. He wanted to get married. At first I thought, what the heck... I get a kid out of it. But then we actually spent some time together and even though I saw alot of the signs on the wall (wasnt supporting his daughter from first marriage as a result of not having a job, lazy etc...), my gut told me he was a good person inside. I thought that a new country and new opportunities would recharge him and get him on a new track.So he moved from Europe to the States and married me. Fast forward 3 years later. Our first year of marriage was a dream, but then my daughter was born (yay) and that is when all hell broke loose (not yay). We fought and fought and fought and pretty much killed what love we had. We tried to pick up the peices, and for a while things were calm. For the most part they still are. We dont fight that often and we have definately provided a loving home for our 14 month old. I get complemented consistently on the fact that its obvious that she is a happy and tremendously loved child. I am all about sacrificing myself for my daughter and I am ready to do that. i could stay in this marriage forever. But tonight, I am just really sad. My husband has not had a full time job since he arrived in America. Granted he didnt speak any english and that took a while, but now he does. And yes, I know the economy is tough but ....darnit.... I would have had five jobs by now. He is super lazy. He sits around the house all day. I have to beg him to help me and I am exhausted. I work all day and work all evening. Its now 12 am and I just got into bed from housecleaning and all my other chores. We dont have sex EVER. maybe about once a month,-- if that. He says that its because I snap at him alot and he just doesnt feel like having sex with me (I am a witch). Truth is... he is too lazy to have sex. he is too lazy to do much of anything, except unless it concerns our child. He sleeps in his own bed because of snoring. He has his own bank account (which he stocks with money his mommie sends him). He does not support my daughter financially. His mother supports the other daughter. He used to be nasty to me, ... until I threw him out a few months ago. At least that has changed. I am still here because of my daughter. Nothing else could keep me with this one. I asked him to leave many times and he says he wont until we get a divorce. I guess he has been talking to someone since we cant get a divorce unless we live seperate and apart for a year. My mom says that this is what marriage is like and you do it to have company. Am I wrong to dream about something else.
Author overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I think its important to mention he is not cheating. He is too lazy for that.
sally4sara Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Well, I'm not sure what you're hoping to hear. Divorce him I guess. Try really hard to not get married as a past time and to serve your biological clock only to then turn around and act like a victim who can't change the current situation she finds herself in. I didn't read anything that leads me to believe you're a victim in this. You said it yourself; you knew it wasn't for the right reasons but hey! you would at least get a baby out of it! Well, you got your baby so what is the problem? Right now, your daughter is young. Too young to be emotionally effected by the stress in her life. This will change before you know it. I think what you've described is that your husband is a poorly functioning stay at home father. Would you feel better about the situation if he kept the house up and cooked most nights? Would it fix things enough to make you not notice that "alive" co-worker? Do your husband's flaws bother you more since you made this new friendship? Have you tried marriage counseling? Don't take me the wrong way; what you described about his relationship with his mother sounds eerily like my ex husband's family dynamic. She is just serving to enable him to never grow up because she feels like it will keep him with her forever. She will help him in the divorce - just you watch! If you've tried all the options, then pull your self up and move out. Get your own place. Get divorced. But you run a risk of losing custody if he can make it seem like he is the primary care giver to your daughter. He is the one watching her while you work? I'm not sure housekeeping factors into the court's decisions. And parenting isn't suppose to require you to "completely sacrifice yourself". It can even be fun if you let it. That sacrificing yourself mentality is just more of you trying to act like this is out of your control. Good luck!
Author overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I tried to be brief and that made you read alot of the wrong things into this letter. First of all, I said I almost married him for the wrong reasons but we did spend time together and I actually did fall for him DESPITE knowing his faults. I am glad you asked about my husband and his ability to be the primary caregiver and would he get custody. My husband does not take care of the baby during the day. She goes to DAYCARE. So even though he isnt working I still have to shell out 1000 bucks a month for her to go to daycare so that he can look for a white collar job (he refuses to look for work anywhere) even though he doesnt yet know how to write in English. I have tried marriage counselling and he used it as a forum to play games with me. I decided that I would rather put that money in my daughters college fund then let him burn it in MC that he could not relate to. I am aware that being a parent is amazing. Its just not the focus of this post. If I were to write about that, it would be pretty long and nobody would want to read it. Because like most proud parents I could talk unendingly about what my kid did or said each day that brings tears to my eyes. that is not however what this post is about and my feelings about her are totally seperate from this whole issue. Stress, I doubt my daughter will feel too much. My sad moments tonight are rare. I am a human being after all. However I have decided that as long as she is healthy and happy and I am alive to see that, little else matters. I forgot to add, that while I am attracted to my co-worker as you so aptly pointed out, I am not going to go with him, as I aptly pointed out already. I know this may be hard to believe, but I love my husband, (although its not like passionate love anymore, its more a love based on what we have been through together). I am also not a cheater. But I did see notice my "alive" co-worker and it hurts that I cant have someone like that to talk to ...like right now..... Well anyway, I dont know how to make it work. I am sure tough love was fun for you, but its not fun for the person who is looking for a solution.
sally4sara Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I tried to be brief and that made you read alot of the wrong things into this letter. First of all, I said I almost married him for the wrong reasons but we did spend time together and I actually did fall for him DESPITE knowing his faults. I am glad you asked about my husband and his ability to be the primary caregiver and would he get custody. My husband does not take care of the baby during the day. She goes to DAYCARE. So even though he isnt working I still have to shell out 1000 bucks a month for her to go to daycare. While he is looking for a job. I have tried marriage counselling and he used it as a forum to play games with me. I decided that I would rather put that money in my daughters college fund. I am aware that being a parent is amazing. Its just not the focus of this post. If I were to write about that, it would be pretty long and nobody would want to read the diary I have about what my kid did or said each day that brings tears to my eyes. that is not however what this post is about and my feelings about her are totally seperate and the only thing that make me sane. I forgot to add, that while I am attracted to my co-worker as you so aptly pointed out, I am not going to go with him, as I aptly pointed out already. I know this may be hard to believe, but I love my husband, although its in way that recognizes all the stuff we have been through together. I just dont know how to make this work though anymore. He is a vacant shell of a human being who cant seem to get it together. I'm sure there are a thousand and one factors in your life no one on this forum can know about. You said you saw the signs before you got married; you even listed them. Do not fall in the victim trap where you ignore all those signs and the choices you made despite them. You need to avoid that so you can take control of the situation NOW. No point in ignoring the signs TODAY. If you've exhausted therapy and he doesn't contribute to the family unit in anyway - do something to change things. I know I'm coming of harsh despite the fact that I'm trying to be motivational. Holding your own actions and choices up to you as a mirror has that effect. It is the only tool I have to use; the info you give. Your first post in this thread sounded very defeated. I pushed you, and look! you gather yourself up and defend yourself very clearly. Apply same attitude to your circumstance and watch it change. Wallow in irresponsible victim mode and nothing will get better.
Author overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I actually do understand better now and appreciate your comments. I dont feel like a victim though at all. I know this is all bad choices on my part, and I dont take issue with that. I am actually pretty tough on myself. I am just sad tonight. I feel alone and I cant talk to him because he isnt my friend. Most of my girlfriends are single and they cant relate. " Leave him" they say. Its all different when you have a child. wanna hear something funny. I didnt get married until I was 39 because I broke up with guys left and right for their faults. I was very much into finding the right guy for myself. In retrospect, I married the worst one. hahaha (Well at least he was one of the hottest ones) Seriously, my only issue is that I cant decide whether I should stick it out for my daughter who adores him or get a divorce. I also keep praying that somehow he will land a job and that it will take care of at least some of his self-esteem issues etc... I guess my decision will take time.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 We dont have sex EVER. maybe about once a month,-- if that. He says that its because I snap at him alot and he just doesnt feel like having sex with me (I am a witch). Truth is... he is too lazy to have sex. I really doubt that it's because he is too lazy. He is probably telling you the truth. I'm not sure how to fix it though. Clearly you feel like the parent in this relationship. The harder you press him to do things, the more he is going to act like the rebellious teen. wanna hear something funny. I didnt get married until I was 39 because I broke up with guys left and right for their faults. I was very much into finding the right guy for myself. In retrospect, I married the worst one. hahaha (Well at least he was one of the hottest ones) Seriously, my only issue is that I cant decide whether I should stick it out for my daughter who adores him or get a divorce. I also keep praying that somehow he will land a job and that it will take care of at least some of his self-esteem issues etc... I guess my decision will take time. It's funny that my ExW probably could have written all this stuff about me at one point. Not too long after our divorce I stumbled into a fantastic career. Had we stayed married she could have retired. Odd how life works. Is he really so lazy and incompetent that he can't look after the child?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You married because you wanted a child. You have 2. Your husband will not even look after his daughter while you work. He hasn't looked for a job, keeps a separate account with money given by his mommy. He couldn't keep a job in his own country in his own tongue and you expect him get a job here? He does not help around the house at all. Add to that you come from a dysfunctional family (only need to read your mother's comments about marriage). And the creme de la creme..... None existent physical intimacy.... Wow and you don't know the answer. Fine I'll tell you.... Kick him out......
Author overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 The amount of time this man spends sitting and staring off into space is staggering. His problems, and lack of wanting to have sex all revolve around that. In addition to being lazy he is extremely self-centered. The reason my child went to daycare was because we were both taking care of her. I worked part-time and so did he. so we switched off, he worked in the afternoon and I worked in the morning. However my maternity leave only lasted for five months. I remember the day when he told me that she had to go to daycare. I was exhausted from cooking, cleaning and being up all night looking after the baby. He told me he needed MORE FREE TIME and that if I couldnt handle it myself I better get hired help around the house. I guess he thought I was Nelson Rockefeller and that I was stupid. I put an end to that notion very quickly. Now he cleans (albeit very grudgingly) and he takes on some (as few as possible) of the responsibilities as he can. All I ask for is for him to wash her bottles at the end of the day and clean the house once a week. I have to keep reminding him and hounding him because every few weeks he stops. I take care of the rest ALL OF IT. I am exhausted and overwhelmed.
Author overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 He has looked for a job and has had no luck finding one. He leans towards applying for HR jobs which is his profession. In this economy I think he would be better off just working anywhere he can lay his hands on a job. He it way too proud to do that though. Lately he has applied to a few Starbucks and Targets, but that is just a few and far between.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 overseas2004, I wonder if your husband suffers from depression? Seems that he might...lack of energy, not caring about things that are important, etc. I wrote something in another thread to you, in case you never saw it, I just want to say that I grew up with a mom who was sad all the time and a father who was never around and never helped with the housework. I ended up in several relationships that mimicked my parents' relationship. It would not be good for your daughter to grow up seeing you sad and unfufilled. Regarding what your mom said, I don't believe all marriages are like that, but I think a lot are because people get comfortable, are afraid to leave, think they can't leave (many reasons). You are in your early 40's right...time to be happy. You shouldn't have to work like a slave in your own house. Maybe your husband needs individual therapy. You did say you went to couple's counseling right? Did the counselor indicate that something may be wrong with your husband. Remember, it's important for you child to see that you don't put up with a bad marriage. Hopefully, that will help her to have a happy one.
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