infracanis Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 My husband's first affair happened when we were engaged. I only found out about it because he re-connected with her through email and a couple phone calls soon after the birth of our first son. We were planning a short trip to the city where she was living and in the emails he asked if she would be around so he could stop by to see her. During this time I began digging around his computer usage and found that he had posted a profile on "Wife Swapping". Along with this I found some very disturbing emails. Somehow we got through this. Mostly because I had a 6 week old child and didn't see any other option. For the next 7 years everything went OK. I still found he was surfing on-line porn. I found this insulting but not worth leaving him over. We finally reached the compromise that as long as I knew what he was doing and he didn't clear history files that I would accept this. He is military so he is gone a lot and I still didn't trust him but worked on it. Then about 4 years ago I had an emotional affair with a guy. Hubby was gone for a year and became emotionally unattached. I cried to him and begged for attention but he continued to treat me badly. I knew the relationship I was involved in could not go anywhere but I was lonely and stupid. Of course my hubby found out about it. And once again we struggled through and somehow stayed together. Two years ago he cheated on me again. This was a full blown affair. hidden visa receipts, trips out of town, secret phone calls, the whole nine yards. When I confronted him he blamed it on what I had done to him 2 years before. Feeling guilty and scared, I accepted the blame and forgave him. We went through counseling and once again got through it. During the time we were working it out I dug through his computer and found more pornography searches and even a profile posted on "Adult Friend Finder." Once again the promise was no more profiles and pornography unless I could see his history and cache etc. Here we are in the present. His military job took him to another state and he has been living there since November 2008. I noticed his text messages went crazy. He was texting anywhere from 30 to 90 times a day. He started spending time with a group of 3 other people. Of course 2 were girls. Long story short, I told him to stop hanging around unmarried girls and he didn't. So I told him I have had enough and that I want a divorce. That was 4 months ago. Today we spent 2 hours on the phone and he is begging me to give him another chance. He promises that this time will be different and he will live his life as an open book. As I write this I realize that it seems ridiculous that I am even considering taking him back. But what makes it difficult is the times between the affairs are so good. He is a wonderful husband and father in all other ways. And I hate to admit it, but I do miss him. I also worry that I may never find anyone as good as he is. Please keep in mind that if you take the infidelity away he is really a good husband. So here's the million dollar question. Do I try again or do I just face the facts that he may never change?
MistyK Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I had a similar situation with my xH. He was an alcoholic porn-addicted sort who constantly degraded me sexually. At the time of the D, he swore up and down he'd change THIS time that he FINALLY understood how important it was to me (because apparently before when we talked about it I must have been kidding). Two big questions here: 1)do you think he's capable of change AND willing to go to IC or whatever it takes to fix himself? and 2) Would it matter if he did, or has too much damage been done?
Owl Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I would venture to say that he's a serial cheater. I don't believe that he is likely to change. He may believe in his own mind that "this time is different"...but looking at it from your angle, can YOU see anything "different" this time? Personally, I wouldn't give high odds for true reconciliation here.
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You can try again, as you put it, but it will mean the two of you need to LIVE together... you must sort that out in order to give your M a chance. Also -- the two of you are having affairs on each other, seems like you two are avoiding emotional intimacy. Have you gone to counseling? Both of you. How old is your child now?
2sure Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 He keeps cheating. He cheats, you find out , and the two of you talk about it. Then it happens again. So, talking isnt doing anything. Have you considered DOING something or are you each time just hoping that the results will be different? I for one think that if you both want to , you can save your marriage. But things have to change. Tangibly change. Your lives have to change because this isnt working. He has not been able to stop himself so you have to consider helping him change his behavior. There has to be complete transparency between you here. No privacy as in cell phones, emails , schedules and whereabouts. These changes dont always have to become a permanent part of your life but they do have to made to create a window of opportunity for your husband to begin to change his behavior and his perception of marriage. If these things cannot be done, or if both of you are not willing to accept complete transparency...then hang it up.
Author infracanis Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 2 Sure: We did go through counseling right after the full blown affair. That helped a lot until his job took him away again. We have tried the "full transparency" idea. For a time I had access to all his emails, cell phone, whereabouts... everything. He resented "being treated like a child" and slowly began changing passwords and sneaking around on the computer and hiding his computer activity. Yes I admit I had an emotional affair and it was incredibly stupid. I take responsibility for that and it never happened before and has never happened again. We have tried talking, changing patterns, seeing a counselor, I don't know what else to do. He told me he started seeing a counselor for his sex addiction after I separated from him in February. That lasted approximately 4 or 6 weeks. When he realized I was standing my ground this time, he put a profile on "morefish"- a dating website. I found out about it because a friend of a girl he met found me through facebook and sent it to me. Did I mention he went on a ski trip in March with the girls I have asked him to stop being around? Or the trip he is taking with them this weekend? (Boy that sounds bitter.) Actually I think he is doing these things in response to my leaving him. I think he is trying to stay busy to get over it. That's how I rationalize his irrational behavior. MystyK: I'm not sure I can get over it. The only thing that keeps me from choking him is I don't have any full on proof that he is cheating. Owl: I think he is a serial cheater and have always worried, NOT about the affairs I have caught, but the ones that Have gotten by me. For every rat you see there are 50 you don't see. The only reason this time might be different is this is the first time I really threw him out. All the other times I left for a couple days then came back. BUT, I still feel like he doesn't see the problem in his behavior. Athena: 3 kids now ages 9, 10, 11. I would love to live in the same state or house and work it out. Unfortunately he can't quit the military and it moves him so much and so quickly it would be a true hardship on the kids to move about every 9 months or so. He will be back here in November and be staying in the area for the next 2 years. We did try counseling. It helped for a time but here we are back to the same patterns.
2sure Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 [QUOTE=infracanis;2287964]We have tried the "full transparency" idea. For a time I had access to all his emails, cell phone, whereabouts... everything. He resented "being treated like a child" and slowly began changing passwords and sneaking around on the computer and hiding his computer activity. He felt he was being treated like a child? He felt you were treating him as if he could not be trusted? He felt his personal space was violated?? Did he really think that you wanted to have to check up on him?? Did he really think you signed up for this? No. Sorry. He is acting like a child, and you have enough kids . Time to show him the door. Sadly, he will continue to be treated like a child because his paychecks will be dispersed through the courts. YOU have to be done with this. Your children cannot be raised by someone who is being abused in this way.
Author infracanis Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I know I need to leave him. And I am in the process of doing that. My friends are tired of hearing about the situation, but every now and then I start questioning my decision and it helped a lot to replay the whole mess from the beginning. It helped me to gain prospective again. I will continue on with the divorce proceedings. It sucks though!!! Thanks for hearing me out and being painfully honest!!!
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I know I need to leave him. And I am in the process of doing that. My friends are tired of hearing about the situation, but every now and then I start questioning my decision and it helped a lot to replay the whole mess from the beginning. It helped me to gain prospective again. I will continue on with the divorce proceedings. It sucks though!!! Thanks for hearing me out and being painfully honest!!! I suggest you start writing in a journal so that when you ever start 'second guessing' yourself, you can go back and read WHY you should continue...
Dexter Morgan Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 So here's the million dollar question. Do I try again or do I just face the facts that he may never change? face the facts, and get rid of the d!cksmoke.
Recommended Posts