lovelydemon Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We both don't have any family in this country and moved in together shortly after we met; I think more for convenience than for love. He is a wonderful man. I cannot help but admire him. He is everything I ever wanted in a husband: he is ambitious, responsible, respectful, easy going and handy. He never raises his voice and always cares for my wishes. Overall, he is an ideal husband, BUT he never tells me any compliments, NEVER; when I cook or do something he will never say it came out good (I know it did!); I never was overweight but recently lost over 10 lbs, bringing my weight to 120 lbs. I didn't hear a word of support or a compliment. Even if i ask for a word of approval I 'm getting nowhere, but come off as a nagging wife. I am getting really tired of such relationship, and i am only 27. I don't want to have kids and live miserably until they leave for college - i have only 1 life. My self-esteem is the lowest I remember, as obviously "i am not attractive, have no hobbies or interests". The reason i am posting this message in this forum is that since i joined the gym i get involved in EA. It is so very recent that i have to tell you I am in a " chemistry" fog and am obsessed with this OM, who I see every workout (4-5 times a week, lately more than less). Yes, he tells me complements every time he sees me and touches me in a friendly way, when my H never touches me unless we have sex. Should i proceed with the EA?
samspade Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You're already considering it...I'd say your marriage is doomed whether you pursue the other guy or not. Most women will not consider such things unless their interest in their husband or boyfriend has dropped significantly. If you're looking for permission to cheat, you won't get it from me, but I doubt that will stop you.
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I'm confused. The title says marriage but you've been with your 'boyfriend' for five years. Are you married? I think you are and may have just thrown in boyfriend by mistake. Should you proceed with your affair? IMO, the easiest way to answer that is to imagine your husband asking us that very question about a potential affair partner he is interested in. If he did, how would you feel and respond? Proceed from there. Now, all that said, what is the worst thing that could happen if you were to divorce your husband? Secondarily, you state that your husband is a wonderful man and cares for all your wishes, save for complimenting you. Tell me, how is the physical non-sexual affection in your relationship? Hugs in the kitchen. Kisses upon greeting and leaving. Etc.
2sure Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Consider the fact that you are taken, married, unavailable. To the guy at the gym - you are safe. Safe as in no strings attached, no obligations. For a man who is willing to have an affair with a MW , your position is perfect. You are vulnerable. You are needy. His compliments are all you need to be persuaded. Ask him, or even yourself if he would be interested in a relationship with you if you left your husband. Your H not giving you compliments is justification for feeling there is a problem in your marriage. There is no justification for betraying your husband in this way. Have the affair or dont, but stop with the justifications - they only cloud the issue.
HsMomma Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 If you're looking for permission to cheat, you won't get it from me, but I doubt that will stop you. Holy cow, Sam, we are in absolute agreement on this!! OP, you KNOW the answer to your last question...seems to me to petty justification for enormous betrayal. Have you at least TRIED to talk to your boyfriend/husband about your need for compliments from him? I think he might react with some degree of urgency if he were to know that your marriage is at risk over this...
65tr6 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Should i proceed with the EA? what is your dear husband's opinion on this ? You rather trust us strangers than your own beloved husband ? (in your own words...he is ambitious, responsible, respectful, easy going and handy. He never raises his voice and always cares for my wishes) Most of us know the answers to the questions we have yet we go searching for them. I could never believe bringing low self-esteem into a marriage could potentially cause such devastation. Not anymore. For the record, you ARE already in an EA.
Author lovelydemon Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 The main thing that is bothering me is that there is no "the physical non-sexual affection in our relationship. Hugs in the kitchen. Kisses upon greeting and leaving. Etc." are non-existent. I cannot even touch him - he doesn't like it, also i stopped trying to initiate sex, because most of the times when i did he would be too busy either reading smth on the internet or doing a favor for smbody (how would anybody feel?). I tryied to talk to him about it many times but he doesn't understand. When i tell him i want to leave him and need some time to myself he starts crying; i see it really upsets him. After that, he would be trying to be there for me but it feels fake and even if i try to work with him, he gets comfortable in less than three days. I feel that i 've tryied everything, including scheduling "us" time. but i always feel like i am least important for him, after his friends, or our neighbours. Honestly, I just cannot leave him,because he is not bad enough , and i think i am trying to get out through an affair. At least i would know that i am #1 for myself.
doushenka Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Honestly, I just cannot leave him,because he is not bad enough , and i think i am trying to get out through an affair. At least i would know that i am #1 for myself. I don't know, LD... sounds like grounds for counseling at the very least. There's a major disconnect between you two, and it needs mending or the relationship will end.
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