OhioRed Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hey... I'm hoping this is a place to vent my frustrations over my marriage. I wish I was chiming in on how great it is. For several years my wife of over 10 years has denied me affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands and saying "I love you") and sex was very infrequent. Originally she said she was unaffectionate because her father was unaffectionate. Of lately she is denying me sex and basically says it's my fault for hurting her. The things that she is accusing me of are very real to her but to the average person would be seen as petty. She denies being resentful and says she forgives? I wish I could give examples but that would only give me away... You see, I'm not supposed to discuss my issues with a friend or get counseling. She refuses going to marital counseling with me. Things have been going bad for several years between us and I'm just tired of being alone with her bitterness. Now I'm not a bad guy... We have two children and debts out the yazoo... I've been fighting the temptation but I'm about to cave in and just get a divorce. It will crush me financially. I'm concerned for the children. I believe this will likely send her down a dark road. I don't see any hope or light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not asking for permission. I just need to vent and hear people's comments.
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hi, have you spoken to your W about how you feel? Have you made it explicilty clear to her that unless things change you feel you are unable to continue in the marriage? Also, what exactly do you mean you are not supposed to talk to a friend or seek counselling? Is your w controlling? Or has she asked that you keep personal matters personal?
Author OhioRed Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 LisaUK, I'm on the other side of the stick. Explaining to her how I feel, especially when she insists I am at fault, just leads to more alienation. She does not care to hear how I feel. This is all about her. I did threaten to leave once only to recant. She insists that act also injured her. I've grobbled and kissed up to her so many times I'm beginning to feel ashamed. I'm not supposed to discuss our problems with others (specifically close friends). She doesn't want personal matters out in the open. She has said I can go to counseling on my own. I spoke with a pastor friend and basically he had no idea what direction to send me in. Sigh!
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I understand, if she won't listen then what can you do? I guess at this point if you have decided that you are going to divorce her then you have nothing to lose by laying it in the line. If you do this, make it clear it's MC or you are out, then it is up to her to decide if she wants to go MC or lose you. Have you decided you want out? Would you be willing to lay it on the line and tell her this is the only way you can stay and mean it?
Author OhioRed Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 LisaUK, That's actually a wise idea. MC or else... I haven't committed myself but I am struggling with every inch of my being. I truly care for her and don't want her or our two children to be damaged by a divorce. I'm just tired of feeling unloved and missing out on her companionship. I'm absolutely miserable... Red
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 From my own situation and from having been on these boards reading others experiences and stories, what hurts when a spouse leaves is when the left spouse feels they weren't given a chance to resolve the issues first. If you are willing to try then that is great. You may find if you lay it on the line this way that intially she may tell you to go, then after you have gone she may ask you to come back. This is because often people don't realise until it is too late, often it seems it can take a complete shock to make them understand or realise just how unhappy you are. Like I said it is fantastic that you are still willing to give it a go, it seems many don't make their feelings clear and I mean really clear and then just walk. You are giving your W every opprotunity to work on your marriage first. How you approach this may be difficult and many arguments may result, I think you need to approach it in a way that you acknowledge her feelings regarding what ever it is she has complained to you about, then say your feelings, then what you need to happen and that you want it to work but you cannot go on if this doesn't happen.
Author OhioRed Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 LisaUK, Very sound advice and I'm glad to hear from someone who has been discussing these issues. Your right it will result in an argument. I'll have to put some consideration and prayer into this... It will be a battle for sure. Red
hopesndreams Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 You are being emotionally abused and you already know that. She has taken complete control of this relationship, based on her own fears. She is the weak person in all this but has made you out to be that weak person. When, in fact, you have been very strong in putting up with her abusive behavior for as long as you have. A person can only stand so much though (7 years is way too long!) and you have reached your breaking point. I've been fighting the temptation but I'm about to cave in and just get a divorce. It will crush me financially. I'm concerned for the children. I believe this will likely send her down a dark road. Perhaps it's time for her to go down that dark road. I don't mean divorce her, but treat her differently and start respecting yourself again. No longer kiss her azz! Sure, continue to be the kind, patient man you are but do not let her reel you into confrontations. Control freaks get off on that sort of thing. Don't believe the crap that spews from her mouth, turn a deaf ear to all of it. I can only guess that this is the sort of stuff that she does because your not divulging much information. Even while posting, you are under her thumb...she's told you, TOLD you not to discuss what's going on with anybody. I guess that includes a forum. Guess what? You can decide for yourself what you want to say or not say, don't let her control you.
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It will be a battle I am sure! My situation is very different from yours, my ex left me 10 months before our wedding, after 18 years, without any knowledge that he was unhappy and without any explanation on his part before he left. He would not even consider MC, not even for a trial period, it was literally "I want you gone, I don't love you as much anymore", yet 3 months prior he had set the date to marry because "as I did love you, I wanted it to work out". It has been very painful for me. I would have done anything needed, all I could to have worked things out with him, but personally I think he has commitment issues and is projecting on me. As long as you give her a fair chance and you do everything you can to save your marriage, that is all you can do. You sound like a great guy to me, you are willing to work on things and even if she doesn't see this right away, hopefully she will when it becomes clear and the emotions lift,
Ariadne Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm about to cave in and just get a divorce. Just do it! Unless you want to continue to be miserable with that woman that deprives you of sex and affection. (Oh, and the story with the father is nonsense, only naive people would believe that she is acting the way she does because of that)
Author OhioRed Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Wow, thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments. It helps just to get it out and hear everyone's response. I'll give it a shot at trying to save us first, then I'll put the ball in her park. MC or else. Sounds like the way to go. Then at least I know it's over because she isn't willing to go the last mile with me. That is what she said "I do" to. I'll try to post the results later if I can. You have all been very kind. Thanks for your time. Red
CM2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Man bro I feel for because I'm also going through something similar, I know its hard bro but stick to your guns and if you know you've tried your best then she'll realize it later on.
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