Author sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I know big girls got it rough..although I dont know how tall you are... This is really icky. Would you mind not commenting again? I would try, if I were you, to take a pole-dancing class or something similar, anything that will increase your feeling of feminity and help boost your self esteem. I'm a bellydancer, I perform both solo and in a company, and take class three days a week.
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Pole-dancing will increase your feeling of femininity? I suppose for some it would, but not me. Belly dancing is cool though. Size 14 is not large people! Once in the day that was considered the perfect size. Marilyn Monroe wasn't a fatty. It's funny how some women are size 8 though and can look chunky. But, when all the makeup is off, the pole put away, and you are lounging around in a moo moo and not something slinky, it's personality that rules!
broken_promises Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Great replies from Lucrezia... listen to them! I used to often feel the way that you do (and I still do, to some extent) but TRUST ME on this one... the desperation of seeking external validation to combat your feelings of worthlessness is absolutely, 100% apparent to people. Even on Facebook. Honestly, I used to lament about "what is wrong with me?" and "why don't people like me?" And I never understood when I just couldn't convince them that I was worthy to get to know. Then, two things sort of happened... first, I realized that I have to feel good and confident about myself and feel like I'm worthy to get to know. (Easier said than done, I admit.) But the biggest revelation came when I had two different experiences with people that were WAY more into me than I was into them. One was a friend situation and the other was when I was out with friends and introduced to an acquaintance of theirs. Both people expressed interest in body language and verbally and via email and Facebook... all feel weird and like they are hovering or I know they are trying to get me to respond and I don't want to respond because I'm not into them. I'm just not. There is nothing they could do to convince me otherwise. Honestly, unless they went out to the Confidence Store and bought a whole lot of it, there is just nothing attractive to me about them. It isn't really about their looks at all. It is the neediness and desperate that comes from having low self-worth. It feels... creepy. It's the only way to say it. And my only inclination is to avoid leading them on. One of them has posted multiple nice things on my FB page... offering to help with stuff at my apartment, leaving innocuous and innocent comments... but my only reaction is not to reply because I am not interested. And I swear to you, until I had these two experiences, I had no clue what it felt like to other people when I was doing the desperate thing with them. As soon as I was on the other side of it though, I was like, "Ohhhhh... I *totally* get it now." You have to work on your own self-worth and not putting so much meaning into all of these interactions. It is great that you are putting yourself out there, but you have to find a way to not place so much hope/weight in each interaction.
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 This is really icky. Would you mind not commenting again? Yes I would mind. Wow, now I see where your mentality is. Youre a big girl, everyone is saying the same thing I said, own it and make it work for you instead of feeling sorry for yourself.
Author sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Yes I would mind. Wow, now I see where your mentality is. Youre a big girl, everyone is saying the same thing I said, own it and make it work for you instead of feeling sorry for yourself. No, what you said was "I know big girls got it rough, but I don't know how tall you are," and that it would be a challenge to find a guy who liked me, and that I needed to face it that guys were visual rather than cerebral. Those things are very different from "own it and make it work for you," which would be a POSITIVE statement.
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 No, what you said was "I know big girls got it rough, but I don't know how tall you are," and that it would be a challenge to find a guy who liked me, and that I needed to face it that guys were visual rather than cerebral. Those things are very different from "own it and make it work for you," which would be a POSITIVE statement. Oh so you only want positive statements and not the truth? Arent you an adult? "own it and make it work for you" is great and all but it doesnt tell you the full reality...which is: "you can feel your best but not everyone is going to care, so feel good for yourself and take your encounters in stride" I said I dont know how tall you are because we all know a size 14 means different looks for someone who is 5' or 6'. So I dont know if you look like brook hogan or a fire hydrant. if YOU say youre big, then you already know its a challenge, but you keep trying anyway dont you? You keep starting up conversations with guys and plow on even though they blew you off. Yes, guys are visual first, cerebral second, but like everyone else said, your hangups are going to show in your behavior. If you dont have the typical look that the guys youre approaching like, you will have to hook them with personality. And you will have to up your numbers to find the guy who DOES like how you look at first glance. Is that so hard to accept? Youve been putting yourself out there constantly, youre making moves. Dont worry about who doesnt react to your advances, and worry about who does. Youre doing good.
fabulous_chk Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Get a makeover! Lose the weight, lose the dreadlocks, change clothing style - shake things a bit! Clothes make a big difference in how you feel! I have this hot dress I wear if I want to get numbers. I just feel good in it. Being confident is sexy. Being naughty is sexy. Don't be too serious! Lighten up, relax, look like you're having a fabulous time. People will believe what they see. Like what I've said before, you are your own salesman. Don't sell yourself short.
Author sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 lose the dreadlocks I love my dreads!! I worked hard on them. Are you saying you think they're working against me?
NopeNah Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I love my dreads!! I worked hard on them. Are you saying you think they're working against me? I'd never date a girl with dreads. I think they're dirty.
Author sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I'd never date a girl with dreads. I think they're dirty. That's one of the great misconceptions about dreadlocks! I wash mine every two to three days with delicious-smelling products from Lush. I never use any kind of styling products, which means there's no buildup on my hair like on most people's. They have never once smelled bad, and I am meticulous about my personal hygiene. Dirty hair won't dread in the first place -- your hair has to be clean and oil-free in order to lock. So I dont know if you look like brook hogan or a fire hydrant. I need you to try to comprehend how misogynistic your comments are, and I would like to ask again, respectfully, that you stop. The things you're saying are really disrespectful to women and are the reason I don't have much to do with men. I *don't* put myself out there much at all -- the four interactions of which I speak have taken place over 18 months. Honestly, I'm too afraid of guys like you to try more, and you have no idea how much the things you've written have upset me over the past couple of days. Knowing that guys think about and speak to women the way you do makes me want to hide in my apartment for the rest of my life. Please, please, if this is really how you view women, comment on someone else's thread and not mine. I can't take reading more of what you have to say.
NopeNah Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Cool..didn't know that! Guess because of my age early 30's, I just don't get it. Actually I've never been attracted to dreads, at any age.
Author sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Cool..didn't know that! Guess because of my age early 30's, I just don't get it. I'm 38.
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 That's one of the great misconceptions about dreadlocks! I wash mine every two to three days with delicious-smelling products from Lush. I never use any kind of styling products, which means there's no buildup on my hair like on most people's. They have never once smelled bad, and I am meticulous about my personal hygiene. Dirty hair won't dread in the first place -- your hair has to be clean and oil-free in order to lock. I need you to try to comprehend how misogynistic your comments are, and I would like to ask again, respectfully, that you stop. The things you're saying are really disrespectful to women and are the reason I don't have much to do with men. I *don't* put myself out there much at all -- the four interactions of which I speak have taken place over 18 months. Honestly, I'm too afraid of guys like you to try more, and you have no idea how much the things you've written have upset me over the past couple of days. Knowing that guys think about and speak to women the way you do makes me want to hide in my apartment for the rest of my life. Please, please, if this is really how you view women, comment on someone else's thread and not mine. I can't take reading more of what you have to say. I agree. The things said were disrespectful, and I cringed while reading them. Not all men speak about and view women that way. You need to get out more. Guys like that have a certain look about them and when you have more experience being around loads of people, you just weed those ones out, and disregard. There are many nice men out there. People come in all packages, looks are really meaningless, it is so much more important to get to know the inner person and those who concentrate on the outer, looking for those that are "beautiful"...aren't worth your time. That saying is true "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
northstar1 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Look it comes down to this. To meet people, whether it is to meet friends or date, you need to put yourself out there. Everyone has experienced rejection and rudeness, it is all part of the human condition. I'm sure everyone on this board, and the majority of people in the world (save for perhaps Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba) have faced rejection. You either dust yourself off and carry on, or you draw yourself into a ball. You've encountered some rude people in the past year and you'll encounter rude people in the future. Everyone will. That's just how it goes. Have confidence in what you offer and you will meet people who do want to be around you, whether as friends or lovers. There will be plenty of time to sit around your apartment when you are 90, and the highlight of your day is tea and biscuits and Jeopardy.
fabulous_chk Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I love my dreads!! I worked hard on them. Are you saying you think they're working against me? Yes! It looks good on youngish women, because when you're young you can wear anything and still look attractive. You are forty, maybe a little bit tame and womanly look is good for you. You can always go wild with accessories, but your hair must be romantic and classy. Don't get me wrong I love dreads, my ex and my brother had them at one time, but there's something about the hair that affects your personality. When i had red curly hair, i had a bubbly personality. When my hair was black and super-long, i was mysterious and seductive. Maybe trying out a new hairstyle might change some negative behavior. I think I sound crazy right now but it is true in my case. My hair dictates my flirtiness. Try to experiment with a new look! Your goal this year is to change, change, change and attract people to your life, whether romantic or platonic.
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Yes! It looks good on youngish women, because when you're young you can wear anything and still look attractive. You are forty, maybe a little bit tame and womanly look is good for you. You can always go wild with accessories, but your hair must be romantic and classy. Don't get me wrong I love dreads, my ex and my brother had them at one time, but there's something about the hair that affects your personality. When i had red curly hair, i had a bubbly personality. When my hair was black and super-long, i was mysterious and seductive. Maybe trying out a new hairstyle might change some negative behavior. I think I sound crazy right now but it is true in my case. My hair dictates my flirtiness. Try to experiment with a new look! Your goal this year is to change, change, change and attract people to your life, whether romantic or platonic. a la Pat Butcher? That kinda look? Hey, you are an old woman now and you need the big clunky earrings, string of fake pearls, and a bright red lipstick! How about a roller set instead of dreads? lmao.
Author sedgwick Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 You are forty, maybe a little bit tame and womanly look is good for you. You can always go wild with accessories, but your hair must be romantic and classy. Heh...did you know I'm also working on a full bodysuit of tattoos, have 1" earlobes and ring in my septum, my dreads are jet black and Manic Panic red, and I usually get mistaken for about 25? The memoir I'm about to turn in is about the process of becoming a tattooed lady -- the one thing I DO love about my body is that I have work from some of the best artists in the world.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I need you to try to comprehend how misogynistic your comments are, and I would like to ask again, respectfully, that you stop. The things you're saying are really disrespectful to women and are the reason I don't have much to do with men. I *don't* put myself out there much at all -- the four interactions of which I speak have taken place over 18 months. Honestly, I'm too afraid of guys like you to try more, and you have no idea how much the things you've written have upset me over the past couple of days. Knowing that guys think about and speak to women the way you do makes me want to hide in my apartment for the rest of my life. Please, please, if this is really how you view women, comment on someone else's thread and not mine. I can't take reading more of what you have to say. Sorry kiddo, free board for opinions. I dont disrespect women in any way at all. Youre blowing it out of proportion. Just because you cant take straight talk doesnt mean Im mysogynistic. Just because you dont like the cold hard truth that men go on looks first and you dont want to accept it doesnt mean you should lock yourself up in the house, but maybe you should. Dreads are not sexy on anyone IMO. With you working on a full bodysuit of tattoos, 1" earlobes and ring in the septum, you are further narrowing your dating demographic. I just hope you already found places to hang where people are into that sort of thing.
Author sedgwick Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 You know what? I would really like to direct this post toward the topic of what posters think is sexy in a 40-year-old woman. I wrote this when I was really feeling low, and now, a few days later, I've seen my shrink and I'm feeling better. The fact is, I am not a conventional-looking woman and I never will be. My body is very altered. I get stopped on the street constantly by people wanting to talk about my tattoos. I get talked to about my appearance CONSTANTLY. I live in one of the most fashion-conscious cities in the world, and there are models all over the place, so I see more VERY skinny women in my day-to-day life than most people. The response I get from people to my appearance is overwhelmingly positive, but it's all centered around the tattoos. I have the whole pinup-girl look going on, and I perform at bellydance/burlesque events. This is my day-to-day life. OF COURSE there are men who think I'm disgusting-looking, because I have a very specific look, and if you don't like the Suicide Girl thing you're not going to be into me, and that's fine -- obviously I know I'm not for everyone, and "normal" guys bore me to tears.Yeah I'm a big girl but with the exception of my belly, I'm solid muscle. I was a gymnast as a kid and that's my body type (except taller.) It's just that I'm going through an increasingly crippling body dysmorphia ever since this guy left me. I'm performing a lot as a dancer and that puts even more focus on my body -- I spend a lot of time in studios in front of mirrors. The reason I'm so hung up on Joe is that he wasn't a normal guy -- he was this weird beautiful eccentric Ichabod Crane-lookin' dude of the type I so rarely find. I don't want some guy who watches sports and wears clothes from the Gap and listens to the Dave Matthews band, I'd shoot myself in the head. I want the crazy nut who sits in his room and fixes Victrolas and talks about Tesla in the middle of a pile of cigar box banjos. And you find that kind of guy once or twice in a lifetime, and I found him, and it was like he was the other half of my soul and my brain, and then all of a sudden I wasn't a musician and it was over. So yeah, that's my deal. Whew.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 You know what? I would really like to direct this post toward the topic of what posters think is sexy in a 40-year-old woman. This is where I bite my tongue. Ok, you got a "look". So arent you already going to places to socialize that have more weird eccentric Ichabod Cranes looking for Pinup-suicide-girls?
Treasa Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Hmm, I'm gonna have to agree with boogieboy on this one. In one post you're saying how you must be fat and ugly, but as soon as someone suggests that maybe the guys you're interacting with aren't attracted to you, you get really defensive and suddenly seem to be trying hard to sell yourself. I agree that your look is going to attract a more narrow selection of guys, and even then you still have to be inwardly attractive. Show confidence, enthusiasm, etc. On the one hand you talk about how no one wants you, and then you turn around and talk about all the reasons why people should be attracted to you. Which is it? Because you really seem all over the place. If it weren't for the really sad posts that make me want to PM you to offer friendship (yes, I'm sure you don't want to be friends anyway), I'd wonder if you just like to brag about yourself to get attention and praise. Yes, we know. You're a dancer, a writer, have a cool look, etc. You sing your own praises quite often. But only when someone ticks you off. So which is it? Do you feel badly about yourself or not? I think how you REALLY feel about yourself is what's key in why you may not be attracting the kinds of guys you like. ETA: And yes, I'm sure you're going to ask me not to post anymore either because you don't like what I have to say, or will ignore what I have to say, but I've been in your position, and have tried to offer you friendship in the past, which you've rebuffed. So at this point I'm just going to say that if you don't like the advice given, don't post. A lot of people here have tried to help out repeatedly.
PinkToes Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I have a thought. (Yes, alert the media; it doesn't happen very often.) You've described a rather unique outward appearance, by your own admission, that gets noticed. I'm sure it's very attractive to certain people. But those aren't the people you're interacting with and wondering about. The superficial traits you describe aren't attractive to them. That doesn't mean you're not attractive or worth knowing; just that these people have a different playbook. It sounds like you're looking for a more human connection with these men; something deeper than appearance. But you're playing on their home turf. They have their own rules. If you wanted them to be interested in you, you'd have to be that kind of woman. And of course it's not worth changing your appearance to get a better response out of potentially superficial men. If you wanted to play with these particular people (which I don't think you really do) you would probably have to subscribe to the same superficial standards of beauty that they do. You're choosing not to do that. And that's cool. Your appearance isn't working with them. It doesn't have anything to do with the person you are inside. It doesn't have anything to do with your accomplishments. And you know that if you really wanted to play that game, you could. Which is to say that what's been happening to you is just plain random. OK, did I lose the plot there at the end? Sorry. I'm just saying it's your choice, really.
fabulous_chk Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I think by covering your body with artwork you have made yourself an object of interest and not a person. (I have tattooes)
bluewolf17 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I have been following this post.. Gotta say, Treasa hit the nail on the head. Couldn't have said it better or more tactfully.
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