sedgwick Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 So I have a new neighbor, a guy, and earlier today I was downstairs at the mailboxes and he came down. I tried to say hi and introduce myself and he gave a little laugh and kept walking. As he went out the door, I said, "Okay, I'm sorry to bother you," and he just let the door fall shut and didn't look back. A few weeks ago, on facebook, a guy with whom I have friends in common made a post about how he was tired of looking for his ideal woman and was about to give up. Then he listed the qualities he wanted, and they described me perfectly. I replied, "That's exactly me," and he totally ignored it. Not even a, "Thanks, but you're ugly." NOTHING. A few months ago I bought a new bed, and the guy who moved it was kind of cute. I rode with him in his truck back to my place and we had a really interesting conversation. He asked for my email address, and contacted me. I agreed to meet him in a bar so he could give me a CD, as I was in charge of finding a band for an event (I should have known not to expect anything from a musician, but I was stupid.) So I met him at the bar and he didn't even offer to buy me a drink. A table freed up and I walked over to it and motioned for him to sit down, and he instead walked off with a friend to go watch the band playing in the back of the bar. I waited a while and then walked right past him to go out the door, and he said nothing. Not even goodbye. There's a guy I know from my yoga studio. He's one of the teachers and one time he actually said hi to me and hugged me, and I was on a cloud for a week -- not because I'm attracted to him (I'm not attracted to anyone but Joe) but because it made me feel like he wasn't embarrassed to be in my presence or to touch me. The other night I had a funny dream and he was in it, so I posted a comment to him on his facebook page telling him about it (nothing sexual at all, it was about being in a zombie movie together.) I thought the comment was really funny, and he totally ignored it. He replied to every other comment on his page. I'm really starting to feel like any mojo I had went out the door with Joe two years ago and will never come back. I mean, these guys have all treated me like I was invisible, or like I was too worthless to even speak to, to even treat with the courtesy you'd give the average human being. Are there really people who are just so worthless that others can see it from a mile away? And is it okay to deny those people common courtesy? Because I feel like that's what's happening to me. Is it because of my weight, or because I'm ugly? Is it that I'm so fat they're embarrassed to be seen in my presence? What? I feel like I'm unworthy of even being part of the human race. Guys have treated me like I don't even exist ever since Joe left me, and it just makes me worry even more that I embarrassed him and wasted his time. The guilt is overwhelming. NOTE TO ANYONE THINKING OF SUGGESTING IT: YES I DO TAKE MEDICATION, AND YES I DO HAVE A THERAPIST, AND YES I DID GET A NEW THERAPIST A FEW MONTHS AGO, AND YES I DID HAVE AN OKAY CHILDHOOD.
northstar1 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 So I have a new neighbor, a guy, and earlier today I was downstairs at the mailboxes and he came down. I tried to say hi and introduce myself and he gave a little laugh and kept walking. As he went out the door, I said, "Okay, I'm sorry to bother you," and he just let the door fall shut and didn't look back. A few weeks ago, on facebook, a guy with whom I have friends in common made a post about how he was tired of looking for his ideal woman and was about to give up. Then he listed the qualities he wanted, and they described me perfectly. I replied, "That's exactly me," and he totally ignored it. Not even a, "Thanks, but you're ugly." NOTHING. A few months ago I bought a new bed, and the guy who moved it was kind of cute. I rode with him in his truck back to my place and we had a really interesting conversation. He asked for my email address, and contacted me. I agreed to meet him in a bar so he could give me a CD, as I was in charge of finding a band for an event (I should have known not to expect anything from a musician, but I was stupid.) So I met him at the bar and he didn't even offer to buy me a drink. A table freed up and I walked over to it and motioned for him to sit down, and he instead walked off with a friend to go watch the band playing in the back of the bar. I waited a while and then walked right past him to go out the door, and he said nothing. Not even goodbye. There's a guy I know from my yoga studio. He's one of the teachers and one time he actually said hi to me and hugged me, and I was on a cloud for a week -- not because I'm attracted to him (I'm not attracted to anyone but Joe) but because it made me feel like he wasn't embarrassed to be in my presence or to touch me. The other night I had a funny dream and he was in it, so I posted a comment to him on his facebook page telling him about it (nothing sexual at all, it was about being in a zombie movie together.) I thought the comment was really funny, and he totally ignored it. He replied to every other comment on his page. I'm really starting to feel like any mojo I had went out the door with Joe two years ago and will never come back. I mean, these guys have all treated me like I was invisible, or like I was too worthless to even speak to, to even treat with the courtesy you'd give the average human being. Are there really people who are just so worthless that others can see it from a mile away? And is it okay to deny those people common courtesy? Because I feel like that's what's happening to me. Is it because of my weight, or because I'm ugly? Is it that I'm so fat they're embarrassed to be seen in my presence? What? I feel like I'm unworthy of even being part of the human race. Guys have treated me like I don't even exist ever since Joe left me, and it just makes me worry even more that I embarrassed him and wasted his time. The guilt is overwhelming. NOTE TO ANYONE THINKING OF SUGGESTING IT: YES I DO TAKE MEDICATION, AND YES I DO HAVE A THERAPIST, AND YES I DID GET A NEW THERAPIST A FEW MONTHS AGO, AND YES I DID HAVE AN OKAY CHILDHOOD. In my opinion, all this proves is that some people have better social skills than others. The first guy may have not even heard you as he went back inside. The other examples don't seem like rejection to me. Just people not replying to all the posts on facebook. And as for bed boy, sounds like he was too busy having a bromance at the bar to notice your table offer. I wouldn't sweat these things too much.
Author sedgwick Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Guy #1 definitely heard me, I was standing two feet away from him as he walked out of the building. He went right past me and didn't look back or even acknowledge my apology for bothering him. We were in a tiny hallway together.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Are there really people who are just so worthless that others can see it from a mile away? And is it okay to deny those people common courtesy? Because I feel like that's what's happening to me. Is it because of my weight, or because I'm ugly? Is it that I'm so fat they're embarrassed to be seen in my presence? What? None of the above. It is, however - this: I feel like I'm unworthy of even being part of the human race When you feel that way, it worms its way into every part of your being and others can see it as clearly as if you were wearing a T-shirt that says it. When people feel that way, a certain desperation creeps in and around them and comes off of them in waves and when men see that a woman does not value herself then they won't place value in her either. It would be like the one car on the used car lot that has a big sign on it saying "Lemon". Do you think someone is going to want to buy that car and drive it around for others to see? I'm not trying to kick you or anything - I am struggling with this myself. I have been rejected so many times in the past couple of years. The one guy who seems to like me refuses to have any real interactions besides sex and even he is leaving to move a dozen hours away next week. I tell myself to smile, act confident, don't talk about my rejections or let on that they even happened, don't appear to be 'chasing' or even 'wanting to be chased'. It isn't easy. I feel sometimes like I am disappearing, and there are times where I get sad thinking that the odds have me being alone for the rest of my life with the occasional lucky lay thrown in there. See how easy it is to fall into the funk? I was trying to be supportive and I fell right in the tarpit myself. You gotta put those self pity thoughts out of your head. I have managed to do that by literally changing my thoughts when they creep in like that. I'll deliberately think of something else, or pick up a book, or go for a walk - anything to keep myself from going further down. People can pick up on that like a noticeable smell - and let me tell you. The second they pick up on it, they usually jet. It is an 'intuitive' feeling that people get based on subconscious clues that you don't even realize you are sending out.
bluewolf17 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 What do you want us to say Sedgewick? This is a sign to give up forever. Never ever try again. The world is against you. Sorry. Brush it off and keep trying! Don't put so much pressure on yourself to make a connection. Just stay friendly, and open. If you feel like your getting a rejection or the brush off then take it with a grain of salt, smile and keep going.
northstar1 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Guy #1 definitely heard me, I was standing two feet away from him as he walked out of the building. He went right past me and didn't look back or even acknowledge my apology for bothering him. We were in a tiny hallway together. Well, maybe he doesn't speak english and so he just laughed. Quite possible
Author sedgwick Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 People can pick up on that like a noticeable smell - and let me tell you. The second they pick up on it, they usually jet. It is an 'intuitive' feeling that people get based on subconscious clues that you don't even realize you are sending out. I've been told that, but never once in my life have I just seen a person on the street or read a one-sentence comment they made on my facebook page and SMELLED their desperation. Never has anyone simply tried to say hello to me and made me think, "Oh, that person is desperate, I'm going to totally ignore them like they don't exist." Do other people have some kind of sense I don't have?
on edge Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 So I have a new neighbor, a guy, and earlier today I was downstairs at the mailboxes and he came down. I tried to say hi and introduce myself and he gave a little laugh and kept walking. As he went out the door, I said, "Okay, I'm sorry to bother you," and he just let the door fall shut and didn't look back. A few weeks ago, on facebook, a guy with whom I have friends in common made a post about how he was tired of looking for his ideal woman and was about to give up. Then he listed the qualities he wanted, and they described me perfectly. I replied, "That's exactly me," and he totally ignored it. Not even a, "Thanks, but you're ugly." NOTHING. A few months ago I bought a new bed, and the guy who moved it was kind of cute. I rode with him in his truck back to my place and we had a really interesting conversation. He asked for my email address, and contacted me. I agreed to meet him in a bar so he could give me a CD, as I was in charge of finding a band for an event (I should have known not to expect anything from a musician, but I was stupid.) So I met him at the bar and he didn't even offer to buy me a drink. A table freed up and I walked over to it and motioned for him to sit down, and he instead walked off with a friend to go watch the band playing in the back of the bar. I waited a while and then walked right past him to go out the door, and he said nothing. Not even goodbye. There's a guy I know from my yoga studio. He's one of the teachers and one time he actually said hi to me and hugged me, and I was on a cloud for a week -- not because I'm attracted to him (I'm not attracted to anyone but Joe) but because it made me feel like he wasn't embarrassed to be in my presence or to touch me. The other night I had a funny dream and he was in it, so I posted a comment to him on his facebook page telling him about it (nothing sexual at all, it was about being in a zombie movie together.) I thought the comment was really funny, and he totally ignored it. He replied to every other comment on his page. I'm really starting to feel like any mojo I had went out the door with Joe two years ago and will never come back. I mean, these guys have all treated me like I was invisible, or like I was too worthless to even speak to, to even treat with the courtesy you'd give the average human being. Are there really people who are just so worthless that others can see it from a mile away? And is it okay to deny those people common courtesy? Because I feel like that's what's happening to me. Is it because of my weight, or because I'm ugly? Is it that I'm so fat they're embarrassed to be seen in my presence? What? I feel like I'm unworthy of even being part of the human race. Guys have treated me like I don't even exist ever since Joe left me, and it just makes me worry even more that I embarrassed him and wasted his time. The guilt is overwhelming. NOTE TO ANYONE THINKING OF SUGGESTING IT: YES I DO TAKE MEDICATION, AND YES I DO HAVE A THERAPIST, AND YES I DID GET A NEW THERAPIST A FEW MONTHS AGO, AND YES I DID HAVE AN OKAY CHILDHOOD. It's impossible to know what was going on in their heads. The best thing that you can do is to brush it off, move on, and just keep trying. Everyone gets rejected or ignored, it just happens. It sounds like you are trying to move on and that is all that you can do. However, when you say that it may be because of your looks or your weight, are you sure that it isn't just a lack of self-confidence?
Phateless Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 If you're that concerned about your weight are you making any effort to change that? Exercise boosts confidence.
gd26 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I used to have my desperate moments in the past - and now looking back, I see how silly I was for not believing that I was worth it. I remember 2 years ago, I really like a guy's profile on an online dating site - and I tried to contact him a few times without a response (he never got my messages, as he never logged on to the site and his profile was deleted due to inactivity). On my last message to him, I wrote "sorry to harass you". Looking back now, and realizing how much I have to offer in relationships, I think it's sad that I actually thought showing my interest to someone was in any way "harrassment". I was nothing but sweet and nice. Last year I developed feelings for another guy. I was VERY good to him... treated him with gentleness, kindness, understanding, patience, sincerity... everything good. Initially he seemed gung-ho about me and was the one pursuing me intently, but later I started doing more of the work to keep things going, and he was the one becoming distant. Eventually he told me I was clingy, and dumped me. I remember the last time we talked (at the time he dumped me, nearly a year ago), I was apologizing to him for being clingy. Looking back, I realize how silly it was for me to be apologizing to someone for something like this.... after all, I was nothing but wonderful to him. I realize that being clingy isn't attractive; however, my being clingy was an affront to myself (for not valuing myself to know that I deserved to be treated better), not any crime against him. I owed MYSELF an apology for being clingy and not treating myself with more respect; I didn't owe him any apology for being myself... as I gave him nothing but the best of me, and my time and energies. Once your self-esteem rises you will see how much you have sold yourself short for all the great qualities that you have. Don't ever be apologetic for existing on this planet; you have as much value and right to be here as anyone else.
Ariadne Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Are there really people who are just so worthless that others can see it from a mile away? And is it okay to deny those people common courtesy? Sounds like you are just rubbing people the wrong way. Not that you are any of those things you mentioned.
hopesndreams Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Have you tried laughter? I take it that's not how you handle things though and no offense meant. Everyone gets rejected. Just the other week, no kiddin', I was standing at a bar, speaking to some guy standing next to me and he was fairly attractive, (he knew it) and just chatting away I was and next thing I know, he looks deep into my eyes and says "Why are you still here?" I chuckled just now typing this out. It's no big deal! Move on. Keep being you but just laugh at the those that you feel look down on you when they don't even know you. Their loss, right?
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I've been told that, but never once in my life have I just seen a person on the street or read a one-sentence comment they made on my facebook page and SMELLED their desperation. Never has anyone simply tried to say hello to me and made me think, "Oh, that person is desperate, I'm going to totally ignore them like they don't exist." Do other people have some kind of sense I don't have? The people you talked about have all spent more than just passing moments on the street, or one or two lines on Facebook. Their behaviors are not based on one or two things, but a collection of things they have noticed about you. If you devalue yourself, it shows literally in everything you do every moment. Your body language says it, even. You are thinking that there must be something wrong with you that repels people, and there likely isn't anything repulsive about you. You are more than likely sending out signals that say 'I'm not worth it' and they are picking up on it.
PinkToes Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Some people really don't have much in the way of social skills, and it sounds like more than a few are crossing your path. However that said, insecurity is exhausting to be around, and yes you can sense it in people. It's also a bit self-absorbed to look at the world around you purely in terms of how others respond to you. The new neighbor may be a jerk, or he may be preoccupied with something else. Who knows. Why would you assume that his behavior had anything to do with what you have to offer the world? It was very nice of you to introduce yourself, but apologizing for bothering him makes your effort a bit selfish: It wasn't about extending yourself and being friendly, it was about expecting something in return. Same goes for the others. People can be rude and thoughtless, no question. Those people are probably just as rude and thoughtless when they're around friends and beautiful strangers. It's their stuff. You give your best and let it go. Let go of the outcome. If it drives you crazy, stop thinking about what's wrong with you and consider what might be wrong with them.
Violetta Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Yes, maybe our childhoods were OK ,after all, we had enough to eat, got educated and survived. I nevertheless suffered from crippling low self esteem as a result of a series of "snubs" like the ones you recount when I was at an age when I just didn't have the skills to deal with it or laugh at it and the pain got so ingrained that it coloured my life for years, decades. I was an overweight immigrant girl and always different so when rejection happened it just felt like I the natural order of things. One example: I was with a group of teenagers getting into a car to go out and I was the last to get in and the only seat was next to a guy who, when he saw it was me getting in next to him, pulled a face and said "Hobson's choice!" Ouch. There were many experiences like that from rude, thoughtless people. But, things change, I pursued education, found a cognitive therapist, read countless self help books about assertiveness and self esteem and now, my friends tell me, am a force to be reckoned with. However I still get a broken heart from time to time, hence my having discovered this site. So, my advice, hang in there, avoid musicians and other big egos and seek out well -mannered people. Eliminate from your life those who don't value you. One of my salvations was becoming deeply involved with a charity which resonates with me and volunteering a lot of my time. Mixing with people who give to others and animals and have empathy is healing.
boogieboy Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 No one owes you common courtesy. Ever. You dont owe it to them either. If you try to talk to a guy and he doesnt like what he sees, he doesnt have to engage you. Not to be deliberately harsh, but if you are fat, that works against you, you know this, and you'd have to keep trying to find a guy who likes that. Although, someone who says theyre fat usually isnt as fat as they think. Welcome to the world of what men have to go through. You have to keep trying. Youre doing great though, you dont give up, you seize every opportunity you can, I love it actually. All Ive seen on this board are women who admit that theyre too afraid of rejection, you smack rejection in the face and say "bring it on, whos next!!" It is true that people can smell what they perceive as desperation. Its usually body language. If you smile too much, or move in too close, seem too happy, things like that. Prolly just have to be more non-chalant in your encounters.
Author sedgwick Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 If you try to talk to a guy and he doesnt like what he sees, he doesnt have to engage you. Not to be deliberately harsh, but if you are fat, that works against you, you know this, and you'd have to keep trying to find a guy who likes that. Um, wow. I'll be over here puking.
Phateless Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Um, wow. I'll be over here puking. Don't puke. Do some research on NUTRITION, not dieting, and start working out every day. Mostly cardio. If you want to be thin, make it happen. Otherwise, accept yourself the way you are and find someone who appreciates you the way you are. Constantly do things to improve yourself as a person and make you more valuable to society (in your own eyes) and over time you will find people are drawn to you.
Author sedgwick Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I'm not talking about puking to lose weight, I'm talking about puking at the comment. As for diet, I'm vegetarian (mostly vegan), dance and do yoga all the time, ride my bike everywhere, and have pretty big muscles. It's just that I'm not SKINNY. I have big boobs and a curvy butt. After years of anorexia and bulimia, I gained 40 lbs on psych meds, and I haven't been able to lose it. I'm in good shape in terms of strength; I live in a 4th floor walkup and run up and down my stairs several times a day with no problem. But I just feel like I'm too BIG, like I should be a size 5 again. I'm like a size 14 now and I feel like that's so huge I could never possibly be attractive to anyone, and that men are embarrassed to be seen talking to me. I don't really go out much because I just don't feel like I look cute in any clothes, and I don't want to embarrass anyone by making them be seen talking to me.
tinke Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I don't see why you would take their reactions personally. Could be they simply are not interested, so why blame yourself? Why would you twist the circumstances to only focus on you? Could be a number of reasons, maybe they are involved in a R., or who knows what they are dealing with on a personal level. Why would you think it is you?
boogieboy Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I'm not talking about puking to lose weight, I'm talking about puking at the comment. As for diet, I'm vegetarian (mostly vegan), dance and do yoga all the time, ride my bike everywhere, and have pretty big muscles. It's just that I'm not SKINNY. I have big boobs and a curvy butt. After years of anorexia and bulimia, I gained 40 lbs on psych meds, and I haven't been able to lose it. I'm in good shape in terms of strength; I live in a 4th floor walkup and run up and down my stairs several times a day with no problem. But I just feel like I'm too BIG, like I should be a size 5 again. I'm like a size 14 now and I feel like that's so huge I could never possibly be attractive to anyone, and that men are embarrassed to be seen talking to me. I don't really go out much because I just don't feel like I look cute in any clothes, and I don't want to embarrass anyone by making them be seen talking to me. Im sorry Sedgwick, I know I need to learn how to sugarcoat my words. I know big girls got it rough..although I dont know how tall you are... But I feel that I shouldnt beat around the bush of the subject of what Generally attracts guys. We ALL know how men are visual first, cerebral second.
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I know a girl whos a size 14-16 who isnt really...pretty? But the way she handles herself, my god. Even I think she is to-die-for. She has this aura of sensuality and fun. Like your life will be richer just having her IN it. She goes to my church, and I saw her last week at a bar and although I was with a bunch of friends I noticed her getting hit on left and right. She has gorgeous hair and her makeup is so pretty. She really makes an effort on her appearance, and she has this beyonce-esque way of walking and holding herself. I have to say, we can all learn a lot from a woman like that. I dont know her personally but I would love to know how and where she learned how to behave the way she does. That very same girl, if only with different body language, could repel everyone near her. Its a matter of how she carries herself. Sometimes, we have to fake it til we make it. Those who dont respond, well..that's unfortunate but no bother, because there will be others who will. I am currently trying to find a job and I get rejected because I am bleached blonde. I am seriously considering dying my hair because everyone takes one look at me and thinks I am stupid. But, society is what it is and the only thing we can do is find a way to make it work for us. I would try, if I were you, to take a pole-dancing class or something similar, anything that will increase your feeling of feminity and help boost your self esteem. Yoga is good for the inside but it doesnt do a whole lot for the way we carry ourselves, and that sort of thing. Just some thoughts to consider. And never, EVER apologize! Not unless you have somehow done something wrong. But by trying to reach out and meet people, well - thats not wrong at all.
Thornton Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 People can be shallow unfortunately. Of course it's polite to reply to someone who speaks to you and to treat them decently, but a lot of people have no manners. I'm not too bad looking, and I find a lot of the time that if I smile at an eligible-looking guy or make eye contact then he'll speak to me or try to chat me up, purely based on the fact that he likes what he sees (that in itself can be annoying, because the guy clearly likes you for your breasts or ass or face, not for yourself). So I can see how the reverse might be true - some shallow people might not bother speaking to someone if they don't like how they look, because of weight or any other reason. But those sort of people aren't worth bothering with, they clearly have no manners and you can do better than them. You are most definitely not worthless, but some rude people may treat you that way if they don't find you aesthetically pleasing. So you can either work on improving how you look, if you don't like your looks/style/weight, or you can just ignore those people with no manners and focus on finding people who are polite and decent, who will like you for you.
lovely81 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 It's proof that you feel sorry for yourself and reinvent every interaction you have to add to the case that the world hates you when it's actually indifferent and you hate yourself. Seriously if I had had those interactions, I would not have linked them all together in my head to make some big statement about how men perceive me. Give these people some credit. So what if they're not interested in you? They're just random people living their lives. They exist for other reasons than to make some statement about you and men and Joe and weight.
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