tricky situation...Insight?

[gobs]

I'm recently divorced. The end of my marriage was mutual, but my ex-wife did a number of horrible things to me which has left me a little paranoid in my current relationship.

 

A friend that I work with envited me on a camping trip with a bunch of her friends. I didn't know at the time but she was trying to set me up with her best friend. Amazingly it worked. Her friend and I totally hit it off. She was a breath of fresh air and just amazing in so many ways. We started dating right away and spent entire weekends together for several months. Right away I started to notice some red flags. She had been pretty wild in her younger years with drugs and open sexual relationships. However, everytime she mentioned things like this she always followed up by saying that she didn't want that lifestyle anymore and that she was now a "retired bad girl." She gave me a lot of examples of things she'd done in the past to get away from those lifestyles, so I believed her. She has also for a number of reasons never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months. She moved a lot because of her job, didn't click with people...etc. She also told me that she had recently been taking birth control pills but had stopped taking them because it totally messed up her womanly bits and she was very numb down there now. She liked sex still but had a lot of trouble reaching orgasm.

 

She was very open to answering questions I had and said time and time again she didn't want that anymore. Early on when we became physical we both got tested and she said that if we sleep together than it had to be exclusive. A month later we decided that we had no interest in dating other people so we decided to kind of make things official. We were totally exclusive and moving forward.

 

Its been 4 months now. I've noticed a few times she said that I wanted to that she would be ok with me dating other girls. I told her I had no interest in dating other girls, did she want to date other guys?...she always said no. Then last weekend she just right out and said it first thing in the morning. "So its ok if we start dating other people right?" It hit me like a ton of bricks and she could tell. She said "Oh no! your totally mortified." I've always been good at staying calm in a crisis and so I asked her to tell me what is going on and what she really wants. She explained that she felt things were getting too serious and that she didn't want to miss out on meeting other people. She spend the rest of the day together talking and she was trying to comfort me saying that it wasn't rejection and that she still wants to be with me. She then said that we should take a few days to think about things and we could talk about it after we've had time to think.

 

I knew instantly that I didn't want that kind of relationship, but I did want to figure out where things went wrong. So I spent 3 very sleepless nights and days thinking about everything. I fully expected to get dumped the next time we spoke. She would send me text messages saying she was thinking of me and that she missed me durring this time...which has been normal all along. When we got together again to talk I just laid it right out. I wasn't cool with this and that if she wanted that kind of relationship she shouldn't be with me. I told her how it made me feel and started to ask her if she had really considered all the consequences of that arrangement. At this point she just started crying. She said that she was so sorry for suggesting it and that dating other people wasn't the real problem. The REAL problem was that she is totally broke and was too embarrased to tell me because myself and all her close friends all make good money and she feels like she just was never able to measure up. She said I was totally out of her league. She didn't want to date other people but she couldn't afford to go out on dates with me like we had been. She always offered to pay so sometimes I would let her. Mostly I paid though cause I knew she didn't make as much money as I do. She told me she needed to move out of her place and find something cheaper and closer to work and that if we continue dating that I would need to pay when we went out on dates, or we would have to do things that didn't cost money. I was totally ok with this and we both felt releaved. She also brought up that she felt pressure to make me happy with our sex life. She felt bad that she was having trouble getting into it sometimes and said that some of that was the birth control pills and some was all the money stress. She said it wasn't something I was doing wrong.

 

So several days go by and we're both feeling great. She is txt'ing me and saying how happy she is that we worked this out. Then not 3 days later we go to the movies together (I paid). Just before the show starts she brings up the dating other people thing again. She said we didn't have to have a relationship like that, but that I needed to be comfortable with the idea that she is comfortable with open relationships. Well this statement put me right back in that same place I was 3 days before. We went home after the movie and I told her the same thing again. I'm not cool with it and I don't want to be in a relationship like that. If she wants to be with me then she needs to ONLY be with me. I said if there was someone else she wants to be dating that she should dump me and go do it. She said she would try it and see how things went. She promised me she would break up with me if she decided she wanted to date other people.

 

She has never given me any reason to not trust her. I also know from third parties that she often talks about me, tells people how much she likes me and many of her friends and family are interested in meeting me. I've even spoken with her father on the phone before. She talks about wanting to meet my family and out of state friends also. her friend that set us up even made a special point to come tell me that she REALLY...REALLY likes me.

 

All of the evidence points to her being honest with me. She is actively trying to get her financial situation in order and has been true to everything she said as far as I'm aware. So here I am still worried that something just isn't right. I don't know why she decided dating other people would be a good cover up for the money thing, I don't know if she really wants to have an exclusive relationship with me or not, even though she said she did a number of times before all this and a couple times after. I could care less about what she did in her past as long as it stays there. I have no problem paying for things when we go out. I'm just very on edge now. A friend of mine suggested that maybe she really does like me, but something is missing that she wants and is not getting in our relationship and is not telling me about it. She's told me time and time again that she cheated once a long time ago and that the whole experience was so awful when her boyfriend found out that she would never cheat again. She has also mentioned a couple times in the week following all this that she "doesn't deserve me." I don't know if this is setting things up for a smoother break up or if she has some self esteem issues.

 

I'm hoping someone here has maybe been through a similar situation or could give me some ideas of what might be going on here. I've never been in a situation like this and I don't understand what might be motivating it all.

 

Thanks, and sorry for the huge post.

 

-T

[Female Tech]

It sounds like you are an incredible guy! You are patient, thoughtful, well spoken/written, intelligent, willing to work instead of bolting at the first sign of any quirk... just amazing! It does sound like she has so much going on though just from your post it would probably be pretty difficult to pin down just what is going on with her. I had a few thoughts but most you put to rest as the story continued. I had wondered if perhaps from her insecurities she wanted to be sure you didn't want a chance to leave the relationship. Perhaps she is the type that sabotages her own relationships. Maybe she still has the urge to be the bad girl. She mentioned it so often that maybe she feels she needs to stop that behavior but is finding it alluring still at times. She could very much want you and a good steady honest relationship yet her old habits are hard to stop. Again, I am truly guessing here as she does seem to be hard to pin point. I feel with her saying you are too good for her, that would cover any of the above issues as well. It almost sounds like she really isn't sure what she wants or isn't willing to dedicate herself.

 

You are doing all you can by talking to her and giving her chances to open up to you. You seem to not be upset or angry so she should have no reason to hide her reasons from you. All I can guess is that she just isn't sure from day to day what she wants.

 

Do keep us posted. I'm curious now to hear what comes of it. I wish you the best.

[gobs]

I had wondered if perhaps from her insecurities she wanted to be sure you didn't want a chance to leave the relationship. Perhaps she is the type that sabotages her own relationships.

 

I think there may be some truth in that. She had mentioned in passing a couple times before all this happened "Are you sure you don't want to date other people? I want you to be happy." Both times I replied "No, I'm perfectly happy only dating you. Do you want to date other people? To which she has always said "No" up until recently.

 

There has been a recent situation that made me very uncomfortable. I met my girlfriend through her best friend. Lets call her best friend Donna. Donna and I work together and have to work very closely. Her and I have been work friends for a while and we've all gone out and done things together after hours plenty of times. The other night we were working late and she asked me if I wanted to run to the bar next door and grab a drink before heading home. I said sure and so we went. While there she began talking to me about her boyfriend and how she was planning on moving out of his place, but not breaking up with him. She just wanted some space. Then she started asking for my "guy's perspective and advice" on her situation. I started giving her some honest advice, but I very quickly started to realize that something wasn't right about this. She was starting to ask me very familiar sounding questions that sounded an awful lot like my situation with my girlfriend. I felt like this was some ill attempt of hers to get information out of me. Since she was spinning it to sound like advice she needed for her relationship I just answered honestly and told her how I would feel about those things.

 

She then started saying she wanted to try to move in with my girlfriend. Them being room mates would help save money and they could spend more time together. I got a little frustrated with Donna because she was being very selfish imo. She wanted my girlfriend to chip in just as much money as she's currently paying and struggling with, wanted her to live far from her work so she would still have to commute and she wouldn't even have her own bedroom. I tried to politely point out that as fun as that would be it might not be the best situation for my girlfriend since she wouldn't really be making her financial situation any better or have any more time to work on her career. Donna back pedaled a lot and tried to justify her stance on it, but she quickly changed the subject. After that she said she had to leave...She had plans to hang out with my girlfriend still that night.

 

I haven't had a chance to get together with my girlfriend since work has required some very long hours this week. However, she continues to send me text messages and ask me how I'm doing. Asking if I have to work late (which almost always means she wants to get together). Acting totally normal really. It might be a good idea for me to mention that we text a lot more than we talk on the phone. She is almost completely def and needs to reads lips, so talking on the phone is difficult for her. Anyways, I can't shake the feeling that Donna was up to something. Part of me wants to ask my girlfriend what is going on? Why did I have such a weird experience talking to her friend? Is there something going on I should know about? But the other part of me knows that we are, hopefully, coming out of a big shake up in our relationship and I don't want to come across as being paranoid and untrusting. As far as I was aware we talked about the situation, I told her I wasn't comfortable and I gave her a chance to bail if she wasn't able to go along with what I needed in our relationship. She said "she had never been in an exclusive long term relationship, but that she would try it."

 

I can understand if she is afraid of commitment, because she's coming from a position of never having it. It sounds scary. Just like having an open relationship sounds scary to me, but to her its what she knows and is familiar with so its a safe place to be. She's less likely to get hurt that way. I can look past all the stuff she has done before. I see some truly great qualities in her and would like to see us continue. We have such a great time together. We've only been together for 4 months so I don't want to scare her away by seeming too paranoid and constantly bringing things back up.

 

Do you think it is better to maybe let this conversation with Donna slide and not mention it? Just carry on as though it didn't happen and wait for my girlfriend to say something. Or is it better to tell her the conversation happened and that it made me uncomfortable because it felt like a recon mission?

 

Thanks for your advice! I really appreciate it.

 

-T

[gobs]

I apologize for the long posts. I'd really appreciate any other ideas anyone reading this might have. Please.

 

I found out that my girlfriend decided to move in with her best friend. I think its a huge mistake, but its her decision and I'll stand by it. I haven't been able to talk to her about it yet, and I'm not sure I should point out that I think its a bad idea. She said her friend "talked her into it"...Her friend also conveniently went out of town to party with friends and told my girlfriend to find a place that fit all of HER requirements and send her pictures of all the places she goes to look at so she can help decide which place to get through emails. Her friend also said she wanted this to happen before the first of August for some reason so its a big rush. So she's dumped all this on my girlfriend to take care of while shes out partying. I feel like my girlfriend may really have some self esteem issues to let her best friend push her around like that. She said she wasn't happy that her friend did this to her, but that she would still try to find a place by then anyways. My girlfriend is def and can't talk to people on the phone. How inconsiderate and selfish her "best friend" is blows me away. her best friend is also a horrible influence on her old "bad girl' ways. Her friend is still very much a "bad girl" and the stories I hear about her though my girlfriend are shocking. My only comfort about it is that my girlfriend always says to me that she dislikes all the things her friend does and feels like she should try to keep her out of trouble.

 

-T

[zicke]

I think you and your girlfriend do not have the same dating goals, and you will end up hurt in the end. No offense, but if someone told me that they wanted to see what else is out there I would be hugely insulted and hurt by that.

 

Part of dating is figuring out if you and the other person are compatible. From what you wrote, you are not, as you both have different goals in dating. If she is a relationship saboteur, it's not your problem to "help" her through it, only therapy and self awareness will cure that.

 

You sound like a really great guy, don't waste months or years on a losing battle. There is a woman out there who you will also have great chemistry with that will want a commitment with you. This lady just sounds like she is going to beat your self esteem down to nothing and then take off when the next thing comes along. It's already started if you haven't noticed, by that I mean, you are changing your standards in commitment to meet her demands. Eventually, what other standards are you willing to lose?