lalucci Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 We been together for 10 years at the beginning of our relationship he cheated on me. He confessed and we worked things out now 8 years later he cheated on me again and got her pregnant. I decided to leave him every week, but I think about my two kids and we talk and talk but he doesn’t know what to do. I know if I forgive him he will come home, but I think he still has an emotional relationship with the other woman. For a woman with two kids that none of them have been legally recognized. I know that woman and a lot of my friends know her two because she has been with their husbands too. I felt sorry for her because she is looking for love on the wrong places and I felt sorry for him too because he is not mature enough to recognized what is really important in life. When I found out that she was pregnant I finally decided to leave him and I have been crying my heart out. Then I realize, if this was worth trying for because I will have this woman in our lives forever. I pray a lot to God at first to save our marriage know I pray for me to choose the right decision. When a person cheat is because does not have God in his heart, values, the self-esteem is at the lowest point and does not know what the meaning of the word LOVE is. My husband is good guy, love my kids (sees them everyday), he was very loving to me also. He recognizes that he made a mistake but he is not mature enough to take actions. I don’t want to be his psychology again. I feel like I am in advantage, because I know what I want in live and I now think that I deserve a person with the same level. I am in a point that I live a day at a time, sometimes I miss him and sometimes not. What should I do??
Trimmer Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I don't know that it really swings the story much one way or the other, but just to amplify your situation: you are married to him, correct? And is he the father of the children you call "my" children?
cracer Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Sorry this has happened to you. I would say try to work things out but getting someone else pregnant in my opinion is a deal breaker. Period! You say he is a good man and maybe he is to some degree. You already gave him a chance before. When it comes to cheating in my opinion one chance is all anyone should get, and that's if I was willing to give the relationship another shot. Cheating in general for me is a deal breaker. You forgave him in the past and now he pulls this. The ball is in your court. Don't let him manipulate you with his guilt and remorse. Do what is best for you. He had no problem sleeping with someone else not to mention that he put you at risk of getting an std which might always be a possibility. You say that this women who is pregnant with your mans child has been with some of your friends husbands as well. If this women is the same women that he cheated with before in the past then I think that this was probably an on going affair and it never stopped. "I felt sorry for her because she is looking for love on the wrong places..." Don't feel sorry for her. She's not a child. She knows right from wrong as does your man. I think if you stay with this man you will just be setting yourself up again for more hurt. You already forgave him once and by doing that you taught him that you are okay with him cheating well guess what, he did it again. Apparently the pain this man put you through the first time he cheated was not severe enough in his eyes. Are you going to let him do this to you again? Because if you give him another chance I can assure you that he will. "I know what I want in live and I now think that I deserve a person with the same level." I agree. It always seems that it's the good and truly faithful ones that get their heart stomped on. Hope everything works out for you. Please keep us updated.
citizen67 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 That's awful. You should leave him. Otherwise you send the message that you are willing to stick around and tolerate this behavior. You deserve better. Maybe he'll finally get mature and realize what he had with you, but not if you don't show him that there are serious consequences to not just cheating on you, but doing so without protection exposing you to potential STD's especially since she sounds like she sleeps with a lot of guys without protection, and so irresponsible that he would get her pregnant, when he has a wife and kids. An innocent person now brought into this ugly situation. You should say "what you did to me - your betrayal - is unforgivable. I want you to move out"
Ariadne Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Hi, You could do like some people I know, that have their husband and if he wants to go have his fun that's ok. Seems like he's been with her a for long while. And it seems like your life with him was pretty good. See if you can deal with all of that. That way, you won't be suffering and you'll be with the man you love. You'll need a lot of understanding and openness for this.
Reggie Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You know of 2 affairs. Good chance there are more, as the majority go undetected. Your H is what is known as a serial cheater. The prognosis for change is not good with these folks.
Author lalucci Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 You are totally right… I already gave him a chance. I also know that men will always be men and if an opportunity to have sex with other women is presented the majority of men will take it, the thing is at what point a person put the family in jeopardy. That’s what he did. Totally a moron, stupid and ignorant... I recognized that is time for me to move on... because I can not be with a person that is not mature enough to recognize what is important in life, and this time I’m not willing to show that to him. This is hard for me now because I am stage in live that I’m pretty sure what I want. Now have to change the plan and making the adjustment is and will be very hard for me and my kids.
Author lalucci Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I don't know that it really swings the story much one way or the other, but just to amplify your situation: you are married to him, correct? And is he the father of the children you call "my" children? I'm not legally married. We had been together for 10 years and he is the father of my two kids.
norajane Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I'm not legally married. We had been together for 10 years and he is the father of my two kids. If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer. If the other woman files for child support, then HER child gets first dibs on his income instead of your children. Do you have a legal agreement in place for child support?
cracer Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You are totally right… I already gave him a chance. I also know that men will always be men and if an opportunity to have sex with other women is presented the majority of men will take it, the thing is at what point a person put the family in jeopardy. That’s what he did. Totally a moron, stupid and ignorant... I recognized that is time for me to move on... because I can not be with a person that is not mature enough to recognize what is important in life, and this time I’m not willing to show that to him. This is hard for me now because I am stage in live that I’m pretty sure what I want. Now have to change the plan and making the adjustment is and will be very hard for me and my kids. Be strong. If need be ask for some help from your friends and family. You don't have to go through this alone. That is what they are there for. Maybe even see a counselor for your sake not for his. Whatever you feel you need to do to help make this transition less difficult for yourself. How is your relationship with your boyfriends/ex boyfriends family? Do you get along with them? Are they aware of what he has done? Does your family know? If not I would tell them both. It's not about getting even it's about letting him know how much he has hurt you. The shame and guilt he is going to feel is his problem not yours. He needs to truly understand what he's put you through and how devastated you feel. I believe that it is the only way he might ever change and I use the word might very loosely. Either way it doesn't matter whether he is going to change or not that is no longer any concern of yours. How has he been acting towards you lately? What is his side of the story? If you have made up your mind to leave this man I wouldn't tell him or anyone else just yet. Do want you need to do in order to prepare yourself for this separation first. Whether it's dealing with the children, legal affairs, whatever. The affair he had was his dirty little secret and this will be your dirty little secret. Telling him now that it is over might make things more difficult for you. If he ask you if it's over just tell him you don't know. Try not to talk about it because he will probably try to convince you to give him another chance. Keep your head up high. I think things will ultimately work out for the best. Keep us updated.
Author lalucci Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I don’t know why but I feel very strong at this stage maybe has to do that I loose over 20 pounds I think I am still young 36 and I have another promotion in my job. People notice the change for the better, and constantly told me what a good wife he lost. Let me tell you that everybody knows about his affair and everybody is supporting to me, I live in small town in PR so imagine..He has this good image because he don’t drink, smoke, play sports and he is a baseball little league coach. Now all relatives, neighbors, friends and parents know what H did. I agree with you regarding that I have to keep my decision to my self. About how is acting towards me I can tell that he can not look in to my eyes, he is very very ashamed, he treat me with a lot of respect/distance and lately told me that he is pretty sure that I will not give him a second change, I didn’t answer his comment. What I know is that they’re still together (him/ow), she seems to be very in love with him, and why not he will be the first one that will legally will support her; her other kids doesn’t have a father figure, but you know what that’s their problem. That is keeping me more away from him, if H had taken time to be alone and analyzed the situation H at least win some respect but guess what he didn’t. But I did and I will take every opportunity that God has for me...
MistyK Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Hi, You could do like some people I know, that have their husband and if he wants to go have his fun that's ok. Seems like he's been with her a for long while. And it seems like your life with him was pretty good. See if you can deal with all of that. That way, you won't be suffering and you'll be with the man you love. You'll need a lot of understanding and openness for this. Seriously? To say that she can be complicit in your H's affairs and that she won't be suffering is an oxymoron at best. I didn't get the impression she was interested in an open marriage".
cracer Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I don’t know why but I feel very strong at this stage maybe has to do that I loose over 20 pounds I think I am still young 36 and I have another promotion in my job. People notice the change for the better, and constantly told me what a good wife he lost. Let me tell you that everybody knows about his affair and everybody is supporting to me, I live in small town in PR so imagine..He has this good image because he don’t drink, smoke, play sports and he is a baseball little league coach. Now all relatives, neighbors, friends and parents know what H did. I agree with you regarding that I have to keep my decision to my self. About how is acting towards me I can tell that he can not look in to my eyes, he is very very ashamed, he treat me with a lot of respect/distance and lately told me that he is pretty sure that I will not give him a second change, I didn’t answer his comment. What I know is that they’re still together (him/ow), she seems to be very in love with him, and why not he will be the first one that will legally will support her; her other kids doesn’t have a father figure, but you know what that’s their problem. That is keeping me more away from him, if H had taken time to be alone and analyzed the situation H at least win some respect but guess what he didn’t. But I did and I will take every opportunity that God has for me... Wow, I can't believe that he is still with this other women and has the nerve to comment to you about a second chance. This other women you mentioned seems to have a lot issues. I just can't understand what it is about her that makes her so appealing to your husband. I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. Congrats on the job promotion that's great. If anything this betrayal by your husband should make you stronger and should motivate you to move forward in life. It's all about you now. Being selfish is generally not a good thing or so we are taught but I think that everyone needs to be a little selfish sometimes for their own well being. You can't just be selfless all the time. That's when people tend to walk all over you and under appreciate you. What did being selfless in your relationship get you? I think it's time for you to be a little selfish. What I mean by that is do what makes you happy. Try not to worry so much about insignificant things. If you're really leaving your husband then don't concern yourself with his feelings or anything else for that matter unless it involves you or your children. He has been damaged and tainted with too much guilt and shame for all he has done and the days of you being his crutch should be over. You seem to know what you want in life so go get it. You deserve it. Keep us updated. I'll be out for a few days. Feel free to pm. (Though I'm not sure if that's a feature that this site supports.)
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