kiasuten Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 And I need some advice. I'm 19 and a college student. I just started working at a restaurant near school, and my co-workers and I have 6 managers that share supervising shifts throughout the week. A few weeks into my job, one of my managers actually texts me "Please don't show anyone this, but I wish you were older and single." I didn't know what to respond, so I thought about what to say for a few hours, and said "Hahaha very funny. And if you're not joking, I would rather not know. I like working here." I tried to play it off as if he was joking. There was definitely tension that day and every day I worked for like a week after that. Then things started to go back to normal, but he told me he was thinking of me. This isn't harassment yet, right? I'd rather not have to go to his supervisor,piss him off and get me fired, and I'd rather not have to quit. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 What do I do?It doesn't amount to harassment, at least not yet. So what to do? Nothing. Don't flirt with him (I don't think you are anyway), don't respond to his texts. If he continues to do this sort of thing, keep a record of it. Dates, times, exact words, etc. But do not respond in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 He's harassing you and you're worried about getting fired? Ok, I don't think the first time was harassment, but the 'I'm thinking about you' comment after that is definitely pushing it. If you have inter-office email (which I doubt if it's a restaurant), send him an email and very nicely let him know that you would appreciate it if he would refrain from making comments about anything personal between you and him, and - this is very important - let him know that you consider his behavior harassment. That way, you have it in writing and he's been told that he's harassing you. If you want to go another route, you can have a letter couriered over to him that says the same thing, and make sure he has to sign for it. That way, you have proof that he received it. If you can't correspond with him through email, then tell him once to his face, or through a text, that you don't appreciate the personal remarks he's making toward you, that you feel they're inappropriate and they make you uncomfortable, and if he doesn't stop immediately, you will report him to his boss. Document everything he has said and done (write it down because you will forget details). Or, you could just tell your husband or boyfriend and let him take care of it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You handled this EXACTLY correctly. Its harassment if you feel harassed. If you participate, and then one day decide you dont like it anymore...it may not be considered harassment. So, dont participate or acknowledge these kinds of probes at work. You said NO. Effectively, and politely, and gave him an out to save face. WOW. Good job. If he were to ask you out, unless its against company policy, thats not harassment. If you tell him: NO. STOP ASKING ME. IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE. Yet, he continues to do so. Thats harassment. The trick regarding harassment - is that you have to identify the behavior and tell him to stop or tell his superior to talk to him. Its hard to do sometimes. You did great. If he makes you uncomfortable, tell him to stop. "Look, this conversation makes me uncomfortable. This is not going to become a professional problem for you is it?." Puts it right in his lap. His problem. Tells him you are not intimidated by him. In the least. Said with the right tone, it means: Bring It. And men who genuinely do harass women...simply cannot. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 This will not be the first or last time, a crush will happen in a work environment. In this, you have to learn to handle it in the way that works best for you. What's worked for me is to ignore a man's come-ons, when disinterested, particularly with a superior. If you continue to act professionally but civilly, most will back off and respect it. Don't tease, flirt or joke with him. When he's inappropriate, ignore him or freeze him off with the "look". This guy is pretty stupid if he's putting something in writing, which can be verified and used, in a sexual harassment case. If he continues hitting on you, tell him to cease and desist, in a serious but cold way/non-angry manner. If he doesn't stop, take it up further, to the next level of boss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiasuten Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 "Don't tease, flirt, or joke with him." I'll be treating him much differently than I do my other co workers because I joke and tease them, and it's fine. He just overstepped a boundary by sending me that text. Now I feel like I may be reading too much into things... but, then again, others don't. I don't want to jump to any conclusions or assumptions... after all, we all know what happens when a person assumes. It could make things much more awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You handled this EXACTLY correctly. Its harassment if you feel harassed. If you participate, and then one day decide you dont like it anymore...it may not be considered harassment. So, dont participate or acknowledge these kinds of probes at work. You said NO. Effectively, and politely, and gave him an out to save face. WOW. Good job. I agree - that was a good response from all all angles. Too bad he didn't get the message ONCE and keep his mouth zipped from then on. "Look, this conversation makes me uncomfortable. This is not going to become a professional problem for you is it?." Puts it right in his lap. His problem. Tells him you are not intimidated by him. In the least. I like this, too. Be strong and confident - you don't have to submit to such comments, and you are absolutely entitled to express that you want it to stop. Have confidence and communicate professionally here. (And it sounds like you are; I'm impressed by your reply to his text...) Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I would pull him aside directly and tell him that he is making you very uncomfortable and you would like to have a friendly work environment for both of you. I would also approach his boss and just let him know that you are uncomfortable but that you don't consider it harassment yet. Tell him you'd just like the guy to back off. I think you'll be ok. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
russelA Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 all you can do is you better keep away from this person so that he won't harass you. don't mind him saying those things, just ignore it. maybe he's just playing around to young girls like you. don't fall on his trap. Link to post Share on other sites
BoredPerson Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You work at a restaurant and part of the reason men work at restaurants is so that they can try and sleep with all the <25 year old women that work there. Otherwise they'd get another job that is better. Just say that you are not interested. A waitress making a sexual harassment complaint is ridiculous and you'll probably end up being considered weird by other workers and appropriately, eventually fired. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 How old is the 'boss'? Have you met the restaurant owner, or is it a corporate owned unit? So far, you're doing excellent. That said, any strategy should be tailored to the workplace culture and your desire to stay (or not). Link to post Share on other sites
wontgohomewou Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Text him back saying 'I wish you were younger, so I could tell your mom that you're a creep' Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Text him back saying 'I wish you were younger, so I could tell your mom that you're a creep' Haha, nice. Yeah, just blow him off and let him know in no uncertain terms that you're not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
RickValentino Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You need to avoid him like the flu. He's certainly trying to approach in the most indirectly exploitative manner. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Just say that you are not interested. A waitress making a sexual harassment complaint is ridiculous and you'll probably end up being considered weird by other workers and appropriately, eventually fired. You're saying that it's appropriate that she would get fired in response to making a sexual harrassment complaint? Do you long for the good ol' days when the "little ladies" in the secretarial pool knew their places, to serve and please the men in the company? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You're saying that it's appropriate that she would get fired in response to making a sexual harrassment complaint? Just wanted to note that it's generally easier to win a retaliation suit than one based on the original underlying facts. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You work at a restaurant and part of the reason men work at restaurants is so that they can try and sleep with all the <25 year old women that work there. Otherwise they'd get another job that is better. Just say that you are not interested. A waitress making a sexual harassment complaint is ridiculous and you'll probably end up being considered weird by other workers and appropriately, eventually fired. What a rude thing to say. Why should a waitress be any different to any other worker? Harassment in the workplace is not defined by the particular workplace- its defined by the behaviour taking place in the workplace. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You're saying that it's appropriate that she would get fired in response to making a sexual harrassment complaint? Do you long for the good ol' days when the "little ladies" in the secretarial pool knew their places, to serve and please the men in the company?These are rhetorical questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You're saying that it's appropriate that she would get fired in response to making a sexual harrassment complaint? Do you long for the good ol' days when the "little ladies" in the secretarial pool knew their places, to serve and please the men in the company? That's hysterical - and so completely on target. Thanks for the laugh! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 These are rhetorical questions. The first, actually, was literal: I was aghast and was double-checking my understanding of the phrasing, "...you'll probably end up being considered weird by other workers and appropriately, eventually fired," as meaning that he/she considered that it would be appropriate for her to be fired in that circumstance. The second: yes - pure, shameless, rhetorical flourish. Link to post Share on other sites
love_darlings Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 And I need some advice. I'm 19 and a college student. I just started working at a restaurant near school, and my co-workers and I have 6 managers that share supervising shifts throughout the week. A few weeks into my job, one of my managers actually texts me "Please don't show anyone this, but I wish you were older and single." I didn't know what to respond, so I thought about what to say for a few hours, and said "Hahaha very funny. And if you're not joking, I would rather not know. I like working here." I tried to play it off as if he was joking. There was definitely tension that day and every day I worked for like a week after that. Then things started to go back to normal, but he told me he was thinking of me. This isn't harassment yet, right? I'd rather not have to go to his supervisor,piss him off and get me fired, and I'd rather not have to quit. What do I do? It's not yet. That's why you must be very careful now. As other saying don't flirt with him and don't reply to his text messages. If you can ignore him then ignore him. However, it's still best if you transfer to other place if you don't like seeing him. Remember prevention is better than cure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiasuten Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 The restaurant I work in is owned by the University I attend. All of the people that staff the place are either students or staff who regularly make up the cafeteria staff during the school year. Work today wasn't uncomfortable, and this manager was there all day. I can't transfer to another place because there's not really another option right now, and I literally can't afford to lose my job. It's helping me pay my outstanding balance on tuition. I kept a decent distance from him today, but it's not always easy, as he is sometimes the only manager on duty and I do need to occasionally ask him for things having to do with job. My main concern was whether or not I should file a complaint, and whether I was taken advantage of in any tiny way-- I tend to make things my fault, so I needed others' opinions to set me straight. Thanks for the advice. I am definitely being more careful around the workplace now. Link to post Share on other sites
frankie881388 Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 You work at a restaurant and part of the reason men work at restaurants is so that they can try and sleep with all the <25 year old women that work there. Otherwise they'd get another job that is better. Just say that you are not interested. A waitress making a sexual harassment complaint is ridiculous and you'll probably end up being considered weird by other workers and appropriately, eventually fired. How sexist can you get to assume men working in a particular industry to get laid! In fact, it is more common for young women to work in any industry to seduce their male bosses and file sexual harassment suits to get money so they can stop working and sit on their lazy assess. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 How sexist can you get to assume men working in a particular industry to get laid! In fact, it is more common for young women to work in any industry to seduce their male bosses and file sexual harassment suits to get money so they can stop working and sit on their lazy assess. Yeah, because that's not sexist at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I gave this same advice in another thread recently. Chat with another manager real quick and just say "Hey, I wanted to let you know that I feel like _____ is flirting with me a little more than I'm comfortable with. Don't worry, it's not a big deal and I'm going to go talk to him myself right now, but I just wanted to keep you in the loop." This way, you are protected as having already mentioned it in case this guy tries to switch the story on you, and your boss knows you're doing this to sort things out and NOT to create drama. Then go talk to your boss and tell him outright, "I love working here and I love hanging out with everybody but the amount of attention you're giving me is making me uncomfortable. I would like us to be just friends and to have a professional working relationship." If his behavior improves, then problem solved. If not, you can go to the other manager and say that you've talked to your boss and got nowhere. There's really only a few options in this situation. 1. accept it and deal with it 2. file a formal complaint and go through the whole process 3. quit. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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