RedDevil66 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 What a surprise title! The #1 reason for breaking up; lack of communcation. I'm at the end of my rope with my BF. He has ZERO communication skills and let's every issue just fade away My best friend is moving and I am really sad b/c she's been my friend for over 30 yrs and we were inseparable. I talk to my boyfriend and told him "I'm really sad because I'm sure I'm not going to see her much" He told me I was being "ridiculous" He always belittles and invalidates my feelings. He does this to his kids also. His kids are little zombies as well. He and his family are totally VOID of emotion. His 14 yr old son is in therapy because he has nervous issues, cannot give eye contact and refuses to talk to anyone about anything. His 12 yr old daughter is obese and cries all the time. I've never been with a man who has been this dead I've tried everything to get him to talk. He's been in AA for a year and has not even got up to talk yet. And he goes 4 x a week. And he was not really much of a drinker. He went because I told him I would leave if he didn't get help, so he goes to AA! I'm starting to wonder if he has some form of adult autism. There is no reason for being this dead! I seriously do not know how to deal with this. I've tried EVERYTHING, now I finally decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. For the last two days, I've been very curt. Just "yes, no" replies. Asked him "have you thought about what you want to do on our vacation this Thursday" His reply "Doesn't matter as long as we smile" WHAT THE F&CK IS THAT???? Normally I would have sent a long reply to why its always me that makes the plans etc.I replied "sounds good" He asked if anything was wrong cause I was being "cold" hahahah He always calls me cold when I reply like he does. I said "no, everything is really good" Is lack of communication a form of abuse you think? Yeah, I know I should leave. Some days I am DYING to leave, but it's not so cut/dry it seems. I'm new to this board, but I can see some people are brutal in their replies. Please be respectful in your replies. Tough love is cool, bashing is not!
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Is lack of communication a form of abuse you think? Abuse? No. Someone who's really been abused physically, financially or sexually would be mighty pi$$ed off if lack of communication is in the same category. It's clear, though, that you and he are not on the same page in communication skills. You cannot get him to change (but you already know that, right?), the only thing you can do is to either change your expectations of him OR end the relationship. How long have you been with him?
quankanne Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 not sure if it qualifies as abuse, but I can definitely see where it's a bad idea to remain in a relationship with a cold fish when you're not the same, tempermentally speaking. I think this is the best you'll get from him, he's just not hardwired to be emotionally available ... you've already seen what it's done to his own kids.
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Abuse? No. Someone who's really been abused physically, financially or sexually would be mighty pi$$ed off if lack of communication is in the same category. It's clear, though, that you and he are not on the same page in communication skills. You cannot get him to change (but you already know that, right?), the only thing you can do is to either change your expectations of him OR end the relationship. How long have you been with him? close to 4 yrs
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 not sure if it qualifies as abuse, but I can definitely see where it's a bad idea to remain in a relationship with a cold fish when you're not the same, tempermentally speaking. I think this is the best you'll get from him, he's just not hardwired to be emotionally available ... you've already seen what it's done to his own kids. I was so alive when I met him. Everyone around him withers. He's too blind to see reality.
asireen Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Yeah, I know I should leave. Some days I am DYING to leave, but it's not so cut/dry it seems. So, leave!!! He is your bf, not your husband. You have no kids with him. I wonder what the 'not cut and dried' reason is.
overseas2004 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I am married to a guy who is dead like yours, just in a different way. He has no goals, nothing makes him happy. he is lazy and just sits around. No job for years now. We have a daughter together who adores him and I cant leave even though I fantisize about it every night. There is a man in my office who is really alive.... amazing... he is my friend. I cant go with him because my child loves her dad. Dont go where I went.
StarChick Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 A person like that would drive me bonkers. If I had exhausted all possible avenues of communication with this guy and still got nowhere, I'd leave. Life's too short to be miserable. I do feel sorry for his kids, though.
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 OP, saving people is so over-rated. Once you unplug this Hoover that's sucking the life out of you, you'll see clearly what I mean. Best wishes
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 OP, saving people is so over-rated. Once you unplug this Hoover that's sucking the life out of you, you'll see clearly what I mean. Best wishes I agree, I'm working on "seeing clearly" I'm not quite there yet. I had this great job, I'm in school, I have a great home, I have lots of good friends, I live alone, I'm in my mid 40's and really have it together, but for some reason, I'm "stuck" with this. Well not really just for some reason, but because I've had a traumatic past with my ex of 14 yrs (long story) and then was with someone for 3 yrs who also did some messed up ****. I stay really b/c he has a great heart, will never cheat and I my mind/soul thinks that's enough. I've left him in the past for 2 months here and one month there. He was not even broken up over it. He just went out and slept with someone else. He's SO DEAD it freaks me out! I want out, but when I leave, I always go back. It's like the 8th wonder of the damn world to me!
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 A person like that would drive me bonkers. If I had exhausted all possible avenues of communication with this guy and still got nowhere, I'd leave. Life's too short to be miserable. I do feel sorry for his kids, though. I feel so bad for his kids also. They are so screwed up and no one, not even my BF, sees it. The reason why his son is in therapy is because I pushed to the point of making myself ill. His daughter is 11 and REALLY overweight and him, his ex wife and his family all say "oh, it's just baby fat" So on top of being dead, he's a master of denial. Kids have no chance
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I am married to a guy who is dead like yours, just in a different way. He has no goals, nothing makes him happy. he is lazy and just sits around. No job for years now. We have a daughter together who adores him and I cant leave even though I fantisize about it every night. There is a man in my office who is really alive.... amazing... he is my friend. I cant go with him because my child loves her dad. Dont go where I went. I'm already where you went , if where you went means being with a guy who's dead?! I'm in my mid 40's so no kids with anyone for me and I also am not interested in anyone else. At this point in my life, I'm sick of relationships and WILL NOT get into one again for a VERY long time!
asireen Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I'm in my mid 40's so no kids with anyone for me and I also am not interested in anyone else. At this point in my life, I'm sick of relationships and WILL NOT get into one again for a VERY long time! At 40+, chances of a relationship with someone of your liking go down dramatically, for most people. After a 'very long' time, you will be older, which will reduce your chances even more. A 50+ woman, in most cases, is not an attractive proposition for a relationship. Harsh, but true, in majority of cases. I guess you are sticking to him because he is the only option you have, despite him not caring. If you want happiness, a huge mindset change needs to happen. And men probably should not be part of it.
Thaddeus Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 A 50+ woman, in most cases, is not an attractive proposition for a relationship. Harsh, but true, in majority of cases.While I understand what you're saying, I don't necessarily agree. I'm 50 and have a lot of acquaintances and friends (both male and female) that hover around my age. And the single women in the group - there are a number of them - have really got it all together. Kids are out of the house, they're financially secure, they know what they want, they aren't afraid to be assertive in relationships and have little time for games. Sure, maybe their bodies aren't as taut and supple as someone 20 or 30 years younger, but what they don't have in the physical aspect they MORE than make up for in stability, brains and experience. Give me an all-together 45-50 year old single woman who has the experience of years under her proverbial belt over a game-playing vacuous 22-year-old hottie drama queen any day.
carhill Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Also, when an 'old' woman is emotionally dead and can't communicate, it's glaringly obvious and easy to avoid. IME, it's generally those who relied on their looks and sexuality to get them by when younger, obviating development of a healthy personality. The same holds true for men.
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 At 40+, chances of a relationship with someone of your liking go down dramatically, for most people. After a 'very long' time, you will be older, which will reduce your chances even more. A 50+ woman, in most cases, is not an attractive proposition for a relationship. Harsh, but true, in majority of cases. I guess you are sticking to him because he is the only option you have, despite him not caring. If you want happiness, a huge mindset change needs to happen. And men probably should not be part of it. You know what, harsh but great advice. And I agree, as I get older, there are less and less options. I am really active and look super young so can be a cougar, but not into that...haha! A change in mindset is what I really need. Now where to begin?! Thanks for this
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 While I understand what you're saying, I don't necessarily agree. I'm 50 and have a lot of acquaintances and friends (both male and female) that hover around my age. And the single women in the group - there are a number of them - have really got it all together. Kids are out of the house, they're financially secure, they know what they want, they aren't afraid to be assertive in relationships and have little time for games. Sure, maybe their bodies aren't as taut and supple as someone 20 or 30 years younger, but what they don't have in the physical aspect they MORE than make up for in stability, brains and experience. Give me an all-together 45-50 year old single woman who has the experience of years under her proverbial belt over a game-playing vacuous 22-year-old hottie drama queen any day. phewww, there is hope for me :-)
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Also, when an 'old' woman is emotionally dead and can't communicate, it's glaringly obvious and easy to avoid. IME, it's generally those who relied on their looks and sexuality to get them by when younger, obviating development of a healthy personality. The same holds true for men. really?! I would never associate the two thank goodness I am still a KNOCKOUT...haha!
HsMomma Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 . After a 'very long' time, you will be older, which will reduce your chances even more. A 50+ woman, in most cases, is not an attractive proposition for a relationship. Harsh, but true, in majority of cases. Boy, am I glad my stepfather didn't think the way you do! He & my mom got married when my mom (who was widowed a NUMBER of years back) was 66. She'll be 72 soon & they're still like teenagers. Like I said, glad every man doesn't think like that, asireen.
HsMomma Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Give me an all-together 45-50 year old single woman who has the experience of years under her proverbial belt over a game-playing vacuous 22-year-old hottie drama queen any day. Thaddeus, I'm sending you a great big CYBER-HUG for that comment. Most every woman I know who is single & over 40 would KILL to meet someone with your mindset!
Thaddeus Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Thaddeus, I'm sending you a great big CYBER-HUG for that comment. Most every woman I know who is single & over 40 would KILL to meet someone with your mindset! Care to introduce me to some of your single friends?
HsMomma Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Care to introduce me to some of your single friends? Sure, c'mon out to the sunny southwest & I'll be happy to!
Els Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 OP, how did you end up getting together with him? Or was he not always like this? I find it hard to imagine how someone who talks like that can have a girl interested in him. What drew you to him?
Author RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 OP, how did you end up getting together with him? Or was he not always like this? I find it hard to imagine how someone who talks like that can have a girl interested in him. What drew you to him? I met him on line, there was no chemistry for me but we had fun hanging out as friends, watching games etc. There was no sexual anything. Just friends. He was cool and fun and laid back. I didn't really hone in then if he was not a communicator because it really was not important to me then. Then 4 months into the friendship, I knew he liked me and I thought I would give it a chance. He was married 20 yrs to someone else and had a girlfriend after her for a yr before he met me. He's a good guy, good heart, but truly a emotional mess. But a "mess" in denial. He has A LOT of resentment towards me which I think is because he feels inadequate with me b/c I ALWAYS call him out on his denial and issues. No one ever called him out on anything. What drew me to him, well I had been out of another r/s fo 10 months and it was a terrible break up and her was a terrible person, so this BF seemed so nice and I think I needed nice at the time.
Els Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I met him on line, there was no chemistry for me but we had fun hanging out as friends, watching games etc. There was no sexual anything. Just friends. He was cool and fun and laid back. I didn't really hone in then if he was not a communicator because it really was not important to me then. Then 4 months into the friendship, I knew he liked me and I thought I would give it a chance. He was married 20 yrs to someone else and had a girlfriend after her for a yr before he met me. He's a good guy, good heart, but truly a emotional mess. But a "mess" in denial. He has A LOT of resentment towards me which I think is because he feels inadequate with me b/c I ALWAYS call him out on his denial and issues. No one ever called him out on anything. What drew me to him, well I had been out of another r/s fo 10 months and it was a terrible break up and her was a terrible person, so this BF seemed so nice and I think I needed nice at the time. Then it is obvious, isn't it? There's absolutely no reason for you to continue with this. If you do, one day you will meet someone whom you REALLY love and you'll be held back by a husband and 5 kids from being with him. This guy definitely isn't the one that you really love. I know it'll be difficult but I'm sure when there's a will, there'll be a way to extricate yourself from him. Good luck.
Recommended Posts