TeacupMovinON Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I am back in the dating scene after being single for over six months. I am ready to see what is out there. I found a nice fellow who, on paper, would be everything I want. Nice job, great personality, little or no baggage, very kind and patient... Here's the thing-- NO SPARK. I am not very into him. We have been on several dates and he is great but like I said I just don't get that excited feeling to see him. He is a great kisser but I could not imagine sleeping with him. Is the spark something that I can live without? Could the spark come later? Or should I head for the door?
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 IMO- Its not worth it if there isn't a spark. Relationship wise. Friend wise of course its ok. If you can't see yourself having sex with him, I think you need to rethink why you want to be with him. Do you like the companionship of not being single? I say wait until you find that person that gives you butterflies and you get excited to see! Wait for that spark.
stepka Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I married one of those thinking it wouldn't matter b/c the spark would be gone after a few years anyway. It did matter, and when he dumped me (after 23 years), I was so relieved. We got along well most of the time though.
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Frankly, this is a tough question, tougher than it may appear on the surface. This *spark* that you speak of - can you define it further? Reason I ask is that it's extremely common for infatuation to be confused with this *spark*. I say wait until you find that person that gives you butterflies and you get excited to see! Wait for that spark.Wait? Uh, no. The universe won't automatically deliver someone that you have a *spark* with. You'll actually have to go out and make an effort. Waiting will get you nowhere.
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 OP, define a positive experience that you've had with someone with whom you've had 'the spark'. Also, how do you delineate a great kisser from someone you want to be a great kisser with you? Thanks!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Reason I ask is that it's extremely common for infatuation to be confused with this *spark*. In my book, that's exactly what the spark is -- infatuation. For most people, this is a highly desirable part -- the crack cocaine -- of the first phase of a relationship. It's what literally addicts you to the other person sexually, kicking off all the same chemical bursts and feelings of bliss that come with hard drug use. (I enjoy learning about the science of love and sex.) Infatuation, by nature, always fades, but if there is real compatibility backing it up, with possible flashes of that infatuation throughout the course of the relationship from time to time, that is probably the best anyone can do. I myself would not bother to pursue a relationship that didn't start with a big, sexy bang. Though I am aware the intensity would decrease in time, the right big bang could send my stars soaring for a lifetime.
Author TeacupMovinON Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 For me, I guess the definition of spark would be the excited feeling when you see or hear the other person. The feeling of ultimate attraction and yes, the fireworks. I have had that many times before and obviously none of those relationships panned out but there were many WOW times that I would not trade for anything. Companionship with someone who is level headed and going in the same direction as I am is great. I would like to find that with the SPARK! Can it be done? Can you have it all?
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I have had that many times before and obviously none of those relationships panned out...What does that tell you?Can you have it all?If you can, you'd be the first.
Sam Spade Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 OP, define a positive experience that you've had with someone with whom you've had 'the spark'. Also, how do you delineate a great kisser from someone you want to be a great kisser with you? Thanks! Good way to thin about it . I've had it before, twice, and, two relationships later I can testify that it had no bearing on how those relationships unfolded what-so-ever. On the other hand, now I have a relationship that started with anything but spark, and have an increasingly good feeling about it . 'Sparks/ are overrated . It basically means 'i'm not quite sure what exactly's going on, but I like the rush in my brain'. Um, not very adult, and more importantly - I can make my own sparks, thank you very much . So, OP, look in yourself and determine what matters to you. But, I would advise against allowing yourself to be quilt-tripped into believing that "if you gotta ask, baby you ain't got it"
JUSTdaNCE Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 The universe won't automatically deliver someone that you have a *spark* with. You'll actually have to go out and make an effort. Waiting will get you nowhere. I didn't mean literally sit and wait for it. Sorry for the confusion. What I meant was don't settle for someone who doesn't *do it for you* (for lack of a better phrase) Go out and have fun...meet people...and I totally agree with Thaddeus- Go make an effort. You'll find that spark sooner or later.
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's funny how it's always the men who need a specific definition of "spark". A spark is a spark, it is excitement it is an electric reaction when you lock eyes with the person you admire. There is no other deeper secret meaning. It's either there or it's not. OP I think you need to walk away, there is no way that will develop with time. Sure you can grow to love this person people have been known to do that but that spark will never happen if it does not happen now. The spark is needed it is what sexual attraction is made of and don't let anyone who has never experienced that tell you otherwise. Having been in quite a few relationships and experienced both situations myself I can assure you the spark is needed and it will not come with time. Personally I find myself annoyed by the person in time, if the spark isn't there from the get-go.
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 The universe won't automatically deliver someone that you have a *spark* with. You'll actually have to go out and make an effort. Waiting will get you nowhere. Completely untrue! Spark is precisely something that cannot be made it happens organically.
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Completely untrue! Spark is precisely something that cannot be made it happens organically.I think you misunderstood. My point was that waiting around for someone who gives you that *spark* is useless. But if one goes out and meets people - that is, makes an effort - they're more likely to find someone, rather than sitting home along watch TV and eating popcorn.
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I think you misunderstood. My point was that waiting around for someone who gives you that *spark* is useless. But if one goes out and meets people - that is, makes an effort - they're more likely to find someone, rather than sitting home along watch TV and eating popcorn. Well maybe I did since I don't see the relevance of your comment when the OP said they are back in the dating scene, ie. out there dating again. So what is "waiting around for spark to happen" within the context of the OP???
Sam Spade Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's funny how it's always the men who need a specific definition of "spark". No, what's funny is how men almost never even bother to think about sparks-shmarks (99% of these threads are started by women and 90% of the participation is all female, telling each other how important the spark is). Which I actually completely understand ;in fact, the only way to have a happy relationship is to keep a girl's brain all warm and squishy through a lot of hanky-panky and chocolate :love:, hence the importance of the spark .
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I would term it to be being proactive about meeting people and engaging people with whom one senses attraction, rather than merely accepting approaches which are offered. Since the OP is female, that sounds relevant
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 No, what's funny is how men almost never even bother to think about sparks-shmarks (99% of these threads are started by women and 90% of the participation is all female, telling each other how important the spark is). Which I actually completely understand ;in fact, the only way to have a happy relationship is to keep a girl's brain all warm and squishy through a lot of hanky-panky and chocolate :love:, hence the importance of the spark . While that is a very loving gesture that is not spark. It's funny because all the men who fell really hard for me (and I for them) had one thing in common, they all told me that they had never felt the level of "intensitiy" they felt with me with women past and they also claimed they had never fallen in love before and didn't realize what it was until experiencing what we had. They all claimed it was instant. For the longest time I thought they were full of sht. But after reading so many times about how many men just don't know what that feels like, I am beginning to see that my exe's were not pulling my leg. Some of you guys really don't know what it feels like to feel that level of all encompassing infatuation or spark that later turns into love. I would term it to be being proactive about meeting people and engaging people with whom one senses attraction, rather than merely accepting approaches which are offered. Since the OP is female, that sounds relevant I have never approached a guy and never will, "spark" has been prevalent every so many men that enter into my life. I strongly believe no change is needed. Give it time and it does happen naturally. It's ok to date those non-spark guys in between it just makes you appreciate that big bang spark when it comes.
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Tell me how it is for the 'non-spark' filler man. OP, have you tried this? If yes, opinion? By 'non-spark filler man', I'm describing a man whom is attracted to you but with whom you feel no 'spark'.
Sam Spade Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 While that is a very loving gesture that is not spark. It's funny because all the men who fell really hard for me (and I for them) had one thing in common, they all told me that they had never felt the level of "intensitiy" they felt with me with women past and they also claimed they had never fallen in love before and didn't realize what it was until experiencing what we had. They all claimed it was instant. For the longest time I thought they were full of sht. But after reading so many times about how many men just don't know what that feels like, I am beginning to see that my exe's were not pulling my leg. Some of you guys really don't know what it feels like to feel that level of all encompassing infatuation or spark that later turns into love. Nah, as I said earlier in this thread - I have actually felt the so called spark and infatuation looong time ago, and still think that while it surely keeps you occupied, it is quite overrated. Or at least something with only moderate relevance for having a happy relationship. If anything, it can only blind you to the fact how wrong a relationship is for you (speaking of which - what happened to all those guys that you refer to since apparently you are no longer together?).
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Not sure if that was intended for me to answer but I'll give it a go anyway because reading back what I wrote it may have come off negative and that was not my intent. When it comes to dating or anything that I have opinions with conviction about I set out to test patterns first, to better understand myself meaning I will give a guy a chance even if that spark wasn't there right from the get go. I've done this enough times in my lifetime to come to realize that if it's not there by the second or third date it just won't be there. For me spark is a fundamental component in sexual attraction, if it's not there sex just ain't happening. Sex is an equal component in an all encompassing loving relationship, so for me one can't exist without the other. I hope I've explained it better.
Sam Spade Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Not sure if that was intended for me to answer but I'll give it a go anyway because reading back what I wrote it may have come off negative and that was not my intent. When it comes to dating or anything that I have opinions with conviction about I set out to test patterns first, to better understand myself meaning I will give a guy a chance even if that spark wasn't there right from the get go. I've done this enough times in my lifetime to come to realize that if it's not there by the second or third date it just won't be there. For me spark is a fundamental component in sexual attraction, if it's not there sex just ain't happening. Sex is an equal component in an all encompassing loving relationship, so for me one can't exist without the other. I hope I've explained it better. Well, sexual attraction is a given, of course I'm not suggesting trying to generate attraction - that's impossible if it is not there - but merely doubt that a spark is necessary for a healthy attraction. My understanging is that what women refer to as spark is what frenchies call "i don't know what" (), some magical quality of a relationhsip that if you don't get, you're just fooling yourself . Which I what I personally disagree with. As long as my girlfriend thinks that I'm hot and loves and respects me, and we have fun and get along together (and vice versa), I couldn't care less if there is a 'spark' or no .
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Nah, as I said earlier in this thread - I have actually felt the so called spark and infatuation looong time ago, and still think that while it surely keeps you occupied, it is quite overrated. Or at least something with only moderate relevance for having a happy relationship. If anything, it can only blind you to the fact how wrong a relationship is for you (speaking of which - what happened to all those guys that you refer to since apparently you are no longer together?). Well I never said spark guarantees a happy relationship, love, determination and common goals does. I knew you would ask that, relationships end for various reasons that's what happened. That's not to say they didn't have longevity or they didn't exist just beacuse they did not pan out to a "forever until death do us part" scenario. Divorce is costly both emotionally and financially, a break-up is not as bad. All I know is that I could not open myself in every sense to a man I feel no spark for. For me that's all I need to know. I could ask you the same thing, why aren't you married yet if spark is not an issue for you and you are in the ideal relationship?
Sam Spade Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I could ask you the same thing, why aren't you married yet if spark is not an issue for you and you are in the ideal relationship? But if I get married and move in together that would make the relationship less than ideal ! I'd probably have to pick up my socks from the floor ! Buy a station wagon ! A lawn mower ! Etc. As for the other points - fair enough, and the point is that people have different emotional needs, and more importantly, there are multiple pathways to true intimacy. If it takes 20 years of guarded communication instead of an instant 'spark' - so what?
butcher's hook Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 If it takes 20 years of guarded communication instead of an instant 'spark' - so what? Yikes Sam that sounds an awful lot like commitment phobia to me. As practical as I can be I am still a romantic at heart, time and experience has taught me life is just too short to create something that is simply not there and the idea of waiting 20yrs for something to happen magically is really scarier to me than being alone for the rest of my life. I agree though that everyone has a different set of needs. My biggest fear is spending 20yrs with someone waiting to make it "perfect" or waiting to feel a certain way that is just not going to happen. Having been in shorter relationships of 2 yrs and longer ones of 7yrs I know that you don't need more than a year to predict what the relationship with be like long term, or to figure out exactly what you feel for someone. If the spark is there I will make it to the year mark, if it's not I won't make it past a month.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's funny because all the men who fell really hard for me (and I for them) had one thing in common' date=' they all told me that they had never felt the level of "intensitiy" they felt with me with women past and they also claimed they had never fallen in love before and didn't realize what it was until experiencing what we had. They all claimed it was instant. For the longest time I thought they were full of sht. But after reading so many times about how many men just don't know what that feels like, I am beginning to see that my exe's were not pulling my leg. Some of you guys really don't know what it feels like to feel that level of all encompassing infatuation or spark that later turns into love.[/quote'] Same here. Every guy I've been with seriously has told me I'm "the love of his life" and said the sex was better than he thought was possible. I used to think they were just sweet-talking me, too, but the message kept echoing, and my female friends told me men never say those things to them. It's because we had what I call The Zing. A man who feels The Zing for you will work his ass off to move time and space, hang the moon, and totally rock your world. Once you've tasted that, you can never go back.
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