Pillow Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hello all. I found this site from searching relationships. I'm just going to get straight to the point. Married 11 years, no kids. My H and I separated earlier this week because I left the house. He called me when he got home and realized I wasn't there and shouted at me, cursing!! and saying I left without telling him nothing or bringing up any issues. I admit I did do so. I didn't say anything after that; I waited to see what he was going to say. He then said what is this all about. Wrong thing to say! I told him I was sick of him being rude and hurtful and spiteful to me. We have some arguments and I have remembered every time he was condescending or rude and mean. I can recall incidences from 7 years ago! Did I ever say anything back? Nope, I just closed my mouth and stored it in my memory. I'm not an arguring type. Do you think he would apologize or come around and try to work things out or ask about my feelings? No he did not. I do it to him. I don't say mean things because I know how it feels. But you think he does- no! My H then got mad and started saying I don't like to communicate with him. I am passive aggressive (I don't even know what that means) and he can't read my mind. He says I hold things in and bottle them up till the last minute. Well that made me even angrier. I told him I don't owe it to him to tell him I feel bad. I am not the type to complain; if he can't see my emotions and he's my husband, then maybe he isn't that great of a husband anyway. He told me he was pissed and would call back later. He has called and emailed me everyday. For a few days he thought I was joking and said maybe some work was getting to me and I needed to chill, but now he sees I am serious about separating, and somehow he says he's the victim here. I am here because I want to know if I am right. He says I don't communicate my feelings- what is he talking about? I admit: when I get mad, I get quiet- really quiet and refuse to speak. He knows that!! I'm sorry but he knows I don't argue. I've been remembering all the things he says and does and have been calculating when I should leave. I never told him because he should have known!! He didn't think I would but I have!
BikerBeagle Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 In my opinion ...you are in the wrong here. First of all, you are admitting to be exactly the way he says you are ..."passive-aggressive" and the type to "hold things in and bottle them up until the last minute" ...so probably at least some - if not most, or maybe even all, of your relationship's communication problems fall on your shoulders. You can't expect someone - even your husband - to just *know* how you feel and what you are thinking ...that's just crazy. Secondly, you are being spiteful by your "I showed him!" attitude. This is real life, not junior high, and it screams "game-playing" to me. I'd suggest caution here ...the problem with playing games is that, eventually, you lose. It would be quite the eye-opener for you when you are ready to go back and he doesn't want you back anymore, wouldn't it? Frankly, you need to grow up and apologize for acting childish ...then work on your communication with your husband (and he with you). Arguments, differences of opinion, and even just outright complaining about one another is going to happen over the course of a lifetime with someone. It sounds like both of you could use some marriage counseling to learn how to communicate with respect and regard to the other.
Author Pillow Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you for your response but I think I will hear other opinions if there are some. I did not come here to get bashed when I am hurting already.
Woggle Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I know this comes as a shock to women but men are not psychic and can't magically read your mind. If you don't communicate how you feel he will not know it.
stuckinoz Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm not going to bash you - But you should probably think about & re-read your original post. Expecting your husband to know what you're thinking or what your emotions are when you won't tell him, is kind of expecting a lot out of him. MEN AREN'T THAT SMART:confused: Clamming up during arguements - while that does keep them from escelating - isn't really fair to him. He doesn't know what you're thinking. I told him I was sick of him being rude and hurtful and spiteful to me. We have some arguments and I have remembered every time he was condescending or rude and mean. I can recall incidences from 7 years ago! Now, he should NOT be rude to you - that's not a fair way to "fight"...But then again I don't think I know any married couples who fight totally fair. Keeping score so that you can leave once he's racked up enough "points" to piss you off.....That's kind of how this post is coming across. Is that really what you mean? I see you don't have any children - If you are this unhappy in your marriage, what is it you are staying for?
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Alas, I'll have to chime in with BikerBeagle here. There are fewer things more destructive in marital communications than the silent treatment, which is exactly what this is:I am here because I want to know if I am right. He says I don't communicate my feelings- what is he talking about? I admit: when I get mad, I get quiet- really quiet and refuse to speak.Your refusal to speak, IMO, is the fulcrum upon which this entire mis-communication rests. From my experience, my ex-wife was like that. She'd simply shut down and flatly refuse to communicate at all... then, when I least expected it, she'd erupt in a blaze of fury at the most inopportune time, completely blindsiding me with things like, "You should JUST KNOW!!" and "I told you I was fine but you KNEW I wasn't!" and similar. Thankfully, this can be rectified, but it's going to take effort on the part of both you and your husband - frankly, more you than him. Good communication is a skill that can be practiced. I humbly suggest that you use this as a wake-up call to work on that.
GorillaTheater Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 For what it's worth: I've been married alot longer than you. We didn't last this long because my wife hoarded and nursed her hurts and refused to explain how I hurt her. I no more know what she's thinking than she knows what I'm thinking. That's why you need to talk these things through. If one of you needs to walk away for a bit to allow you get emotions under control, no problem, but TALK for God's sake.
Author Pillow Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 I see you are all in accordance with my parents. As soon as I told my Mom the situation, she agreed I was probably not talking. Years back before I met H, she had made the same comment about me and she loves my H, so of course she would be on his side. I have admitted it's one of my flaws, okay?? but I'm just a human. I am allowed to have one of them aren't I? So yet again, everything's my fault. Well, thanks a lot. I just feel like I am walked over and everyone takes my kindness for a weakness like my boss and my H and my H's friends. I guess if I want to communicate I could next time just ram my H's head with an iron and that will be a first step in getting my feelings out, or is that not good enough Woggle?? I don't want to divorce my H. It's not about being unhappy; it's about showing him I'm not taking his crap anymore, and you can call it childish if you want, Biker. I don't care what's your opinion of me anyway- I realize I care too much what people think and not enough about what I want. I want him to respect me and apologize. My H has asked for me to come home. As of now, I haven't told him where I've been staying. I realized I am very good at no contact. What does IMO mean, Thaddeus. Thank you and Gorilla for answering. I have to go now.
stuckinoz Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 So yet again, everything's my fault. Well, thanks a lot. I just feel like I am walked over and everyone takes my kindness for a weakness like my boss and my H and my H's friends. I guess if I want to communicate I could next time just ram my H's head with an iron and that will be a first step in getting my feelings out, or is that not good enough Woggle?? I don't want to divorce my H. It's not about being unhappy; it's about showing him I'm not taking his crap anymore, and you can call it childish if you want, Biker. I don't care what's your opinion of me anyway- I realize I care too much what people think and not enough about what I want. I want him to respect me and apologize. My H has asked for me to come home. As of now, I haven't told him where I've been staying. I realized I am very good at no contact. What does IMO mean, Thaddeus. Thank you and Gorilla for answering. I have to go now. No one is saying it's all your fault. This just seems rather drastic - instead of talking.....I could understand if you had told him how you felt & he totally ignored you - Then I could totally get your leaving. If you wanted to "show him" that you're not going to take his "crap"...Why not say to him the same things you have said here. That you WON'T TAKE HIS CRAP anymore. Is it that difficult for you to talk to your husband, of all people, & tell him how you feel? It really does seem like you're unhappy (just going on what you've posted) & if you are going to leave just to "show him"....Is it your intent to go back? If it is - how will things be different than before?
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I see you are all in accordance with my parents. As soon as I told my Mom the situation, she agreed I was probably not talking.Is it possible that they may be correct? I mean, if we all have the same information and are all coming to basically the same conclusion, would you at least consider the possibility that there may be something to it? It's not about blame, it's about doing what works. Currently, what you're doing isn't working.What does IMO mean, Thaddeus.IMO = In My Opinion. (I know, the acronyms that get thrown about here so often can sometimes cause a little confusion.)
Phateless Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 My H then got mad and started saying I don't like to communicate with him. I am passive aggressive (I don't even know what that means) and he can't read my mind. He says I hold things in and bottle them up till the last minute. Passive aggressive means not reacting to something that angers you (passive) then reacting in a different way to get him back later (aggressive). Can you read minds? Is he supposed to be able to? It IS your job to communicate if something bothers you. How else should he know? Well that made me even angrier. I told him I don't owe it to him to tell him I feel bad. I am not the type to complain; if he can't see my emotions and he's my husband, then maybe he isn't that great of a husband anyway. Yes you do. How would you like it if a friend was upset at you and wouldn't tell you why? How would that make you feel? Can you read your friends' minds? Can you read your husband's mind? I think you hold in your feelings because it's hard for you to communicate them. People can ask you what's wrong but if you don't tell them when they ask, that's on you, not on them. Honestly, I think you need to learn some communication skills before you blame him for anything. Do some googling on "assertive communication." Assertiveness is NOT about being bold, it's about getting your point across in a calm and reasonable way without being reactive. Here are the top two results in Google for Assertive Communication. This search took me literally 2 seconds. http://ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Communication---6-Tips-For-Effective-Use&id=10259 http://www.uiowa.edu/~ucs/asertcom.html This is not all your fault, but you have made this 100x harder than it needed to be. Good luck.
redtail Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 etc... So yet again, everything's my fault. Well, thanks a lot. etc... Pillow, it's okay to take responsibility, no fault or blame is necessary. This is a human relationship, sh** happens, the key is to learn what you can do about it to make it better. Doing the same thing over and over and finding it just doesn't work, maybe a good time to reevaluate your strategy. I was very much like you in my first marriage, I got quiet and did not communicate my upset feelings to my wife. It ended because her solution was to have an affair. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but non-communication is a train wreck waiting to happen. Good luck to you!
Phateless Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I see you are all in accordance with my parents. As soon as I told my Mom the situation, she agreed I was probably not talking. Years back before I met H, she had made the same comment about me and she loves my H, so of course she would be on his side. I have admitted it's one of my flaws, okay?? but I'm just a human. I am allowed to have one of them aren't I? So yet again, everything's my fault. Well, thanks a lot. I just feel like I am walked over and everyone takes my kindness for a weakness like my boss and my H and my H's friends. I guess if I want to communicate I could next time just ram my H's head with an iron and that will be a first step in getting my feelings out, or is that not good enough Woggle?? I don't want to divorce my H. It's not about being unhappy; it's about showing him I'm not taking his crap anymore, and you can call it childish if you want, Biker. I don't care what's your opinion of me anyway- I realize I care too much what people think and not enough about what I want. I want him to respect me and apologize. My H has asked for me to come home. As of now, I haven't told him where I've been staying. I realized I am very good at no contact. What does IMO mean, Thaddeus. Thank you and Gorilla for answering. I have to go now. Oy vey.... Pillow, you don't see how you are your own worst enemy here. PLEASE read the articles I linked you to. I really think they will help you understand what's going on here. I would also encourage you to see a counselor on your own because it will allow you to talk about the things that bother you in a safe environment. A therapist can really help you with some great strategies on how to handle conflict with you H. Perhaps he can join you at some point too.
Author Pillow Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 It is good hearing other people's experiences in similar situation as mine. Good and scary. I don't want to divorce my H though my actions are not the best in this situation. I don't want my H to not want me back either, Biker- you are right. I still don't like your tone in your post though. It takes me awhile to think about what I'm going to say. Sometimes in the moment, you want to say something but you're not sure how to phrase your words and then as you struggle to string it together, the moment passes but the emotions are still there. I'm going to take some time and think about what to say and be assertive so I can make sure I get it all out when I go back. You are right Thaddeus and Redtail, I'm got to try talking if being quiet isn't working. Absolutely. I can do it. I might be losing my job as the company tries to "restructure" or whatever the crap they call it. I feel like if I do, I might just give my boss a piece of my mind too. I read your articles Phate thank you!! but I'm not seeing a counselor. Just not my thing. I like working things out by my own in my own head (and maybe some input from strangers online). I don't think aloud- I know I'm an introvert. Oz: You don't have to believe me but I am not unhappy in my marriage. Trust me: I will know if I were. I know me. I may not be suave in a conversation but I know what I want out of life and I will be the first to know if I'm unhappy. We have great sex and other than arguments where I feel left out, we get along. It's only when we disagree that we have a problem. I do intend to go back. And things will be different because I will have changed. I got to get my voice back. Not everyone's socially adapt as you are Oz, are you going to rub it in my face? I don't know what you'll do in this situation but I've done what I did, okay?? Anyway, I am reading you. A little while ago, I told H I wasn't going to take his crap anymore. He was quiet for awhile but then he sounded amused as he said "yes mam." He's still not taking me seriously but we'll see. I've been enjoying myself playing Chess though in the park after work. Again, thank you for the responses!!!!!!!!!!!!!
burningashes Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 It takes me awhile to think about what I'm going to say. Sometimes in the moment, you want to say something but you're not sure how to phrase your words and then as you struggle to string it together, the moment passes but the emotions are still there. I'm going to take some time and think about what to say and be assertive so I can make sure I get it all out when I go back. You are right Thaddeus and Redtail, I'm got to try talking if being quiet isn't working. Absolutely. I can do it. Oh, I have the same issue! My boyfriend gets quite frustrated with me when we get into arguments when I do try saying things and they never seem to convey my meanings. So I tend to get quiet when we start to fight and go on the defensive. I have told my boyfriend that I am not good in confrontational arguments, at least face to face because it takes time for me to think about what I'm going to say. I feel like I trip over my own words because I'm not getting enough time to think. We have come up with a solution, that we can walk away for a bit. I can take the time to write a letter and write all of my thoughts down while my boyfriend takes his time to cool off. We have agreed on only doing this for arguements on serious issues though. In the mean time, when we get into a little snitch, I can work on my communciation skills while he has the patience to work with me on it. You could try this, it could just be a matter of the method you guys are communciating though. Eventually you want to be able to communciate as well as the other posters you should be because you will be with him for life. Seek help somehow and let your husband help you or else I don't see this marriage lasting. He is your partner, let him be yours. You only need to let him know that you aren't taking his crap gently, and if he loves you, he'll get it without you having to be totally in his face about it. It's great you found your voice, but don't go too far, you might end up pushing your husband away and losing this otherwise great marriage you say it is.
stuckinoz Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Oz: You don't have to believe me but I am not unhappy in my marriage. Trust me: I will know if I were. I know me. I may not be suave in a conversation but I know what I want out of life and I will be the first to know if I'm unhappy. We have great sex and other than arguments where I feel left out, we get along. It's only when we disagree that we have a problem. I do intend to go back. And things will be different because I will have changed. I got to get my voice back. Not everyone's socially adapt as you are Oz, are you going to rub it in my face? I don't know what you'll do in this situation but I've done what I did, okay?? !! I think you are reading these posts as if we are being mean & scolding you. It's not the case at all. No none has rubbed anything in your face. Lighten up just a little - we're just giving opinions here. So you're happy in your marriage. EXCELLENT! I still say that leaving instead of talking to make your point is a drastic measure. But what works for one doesn't work for another. I do hope it works for you & that he starts to take you seriously when you find your voice.
65tr6 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I know this comes as a shock to women but men are not psychic and can't magically read your mind. If you don't communicate how you feel he will not know it. and "bottling it up" (which is exactly what my wife did - she admits by the way) makes it even worse. Nicely said. Woggle, just want to add that it is easy to say "just communicate" but more difficult in real life especially for women who suffer from low self-esteem or with passive aggresive behavior. I also believe that it is very important to talk/communicate about anything that includes having difficult conversations. If you havent done it before, start with something simple to begin with. It takes time, energy and practice but it can be done. OP, instead of blaming each other, just understanding what went wrong and taking steps to correct would be more constructive. Infact, I would even suggest sharing this thread with your husband as a starting point.
redtail Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 ... It takes me awhile to think about what I'm going to say. Sometimes in the moment, you want to say something but you're not sure how to phrase your words and then as you struggle to string it together, the moment passes but the emotions are still there ... Pillow, this is huge. You can open up and be sincere judging by your response to us, that's obvious. Now, seek a way to tell your husband before it's too late if you truly do not want him to leave, or if you are really happy in this marriage. I know how that is, to be unwilling to say the wrong thing, so you choose to say nothing. I've been there too. Speak from your heart, say how you're feeling, don't use "you" sentences, use "I" sentences. It sounds to me like you want this to work out, let your partner know you're serious about working it out, not serious about leaving. I fear that may be the message he's getting based on your actions.
Phateless Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I read your articles Phate thank you!! but I'm not seeing a counselor. Just not my thing. I like working things out by my own in my own head (and maybe some input from strangers online). I don't think aloud- I know I'm an introvert. Hey no worries, you're making progress bit by bit. The most important (and hardest!!) first step to take was posting here to seek advice. It will be hard but you have made a choice to move forward in your own life, so congrats to you.
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