complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 My religious views are largely an unsorted-out muddle, but this does make me honestly wonder about what their view is on the concept of "one flesh". Not an attack, just curiosity. Well, before I answer that,if you would like an answer, what is your religious background? We are non-denominational and my parents are faith believers/Charismatic. Maybe that gives you some insight? Keep in mind: One flesh doesn't mean one mind- don't wanna get all religious/spiritual here. Though I will say this: my mom is BIG on confidence and so is my dad, especially in the ministry. Outside of that, my mom is BIG on it and will keep it without any problems, but my dad....if I had told HIM as opposed to my mom about MM, it's a safe bet to say that he'd be angry that he promised not to tell my mom, and he'd bug me about that because he likes to tell her things to get HER prospective. But he still wouldn't tell -besides, I am his daughter, and I am a grown woman who makes her own decisions and choices who is VERY independent and they know if they don't keep my confidence when it's promised to me, I am going to call them on it. Sorry for the threadjack, Caitlyn.
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Maybe Caitlyn is happy, but I bet her H isn't. Now he looks like he is p**** whipped. And we usually make comments based on our experience. Her experience seems to be that most M's rarely make it to relatively happy. GEL Have fun with the insults because they don't bother me in the slightest. I know their not true & the only person they reflect negatively on is you.
donnamaybe Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Tom was sneaking and lying: to his W. It was a marital issue that he was going to discuss with his friend. Tom did do it to himself, he was dumb to say anything to this woman's H. Caitlyn didn't undo anything. Tom is married now to that woman and they're having a baby. GEL But had they NOT forced his hand, Tom may have kept up his lying and sneaking for however long he could get away with it, wasting away yet more of his W's life. Just because the OW was going to have a baby doesn't mean he would have told anyone anything. We all see MANY women on here who have had babies with their MM - some of them MULTIPLE babies - and they continue the affair - one I saw for five years. The W is now free to move on and find a better life for herself.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 My parents have been married 36 years and I use them as an example. They are best friends. But they don't feel forced to tell each other everything (though they usually do), and they have space to be their own person. I guess I'm really talking about free will here, but I don't really think that this is a good place for a discussion about it. I am high-fiving you all day long, everyday!!
donnamaybe Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 LOL is that what your husband says to you when he wants to go out with the "guys". What an assumption to say her husband is pussywhipped because they discuss their conversations with others with one another. It's called best friends and confidants. THANK YOU! EXACTLY what I was going to say! I guess I've been under some kind of misconception regarding what it means to be a "man."
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 LOL is that what your husband says to you when he wants to go out with the "guys". What an assumption to say her husband is pussywhipped because they discuss their conversations with others with one another. It's called best friends and confidants. I am completely dumbfounded that some seem to think that a couple who openly communicate & share every part of their lives is somehow a bad thing? I thought that was what marriage was all about? That should get a good laugh out of my husband.
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 GEL - you describe your status as former other woman. But your protests and accusations make you sound like you still think and feel like an OW. And a bitter one at that. I agree. Sounds like marriage isn't all it was cracked up to be.
donnamaybe Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I guess I'm really talking about free will here, Oh, and Caitlyn isn't allowed to have HER own "free will" though? Odd.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 THANK YOU! EXACTLY what I was going to say! I guess I've been under some kind of misconception regarding what it means to be a "man." '' Is anyone else here scared? Someone else on the forum was going to say EXACTLY the same thing as noforgiveness?! GEL
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 I said that because his friends confides in him about possibly starting an A, then the OP forces her H to tell her what his friend said and then they both tell him that if he doesn't tell his W, they will. NF, I know you are not blind and I know that you think they did the right thing, but look at it from a male perspective. GEL There you go assuming again. No one forced my husband to do anything, we decided together since it affected both of us.
donnamaybe Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 '' Is anyone else here scared? Someone else on the forum was going to say EXACTLY the same thing as noforgiveness?! GEL Really, what's your point? Yet another thinly veiled insult. Since I have MY big girl panties on today, I'm going to exit this ridiculous conversation.
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You'd be wrong in my case, at least. And yes complicatedlife, different strokes indeed. There are a few matters I can't share with my wife due to legal and professional ethical reasons. Everything else, and I do mean everything, is on the table. If someone wants to share something with me in confidence, I tell them upfront that I may well share that with my wife, and my wife does the same. I have a hard time fathoming how keeping secrets from a spouse is ever a healthy thing. My marriage is the same. And all of our friends are well aware of this. In fact, it usually ASSUMED by most that things are shared with spouses. That's why most people will ask you to not even share something with your spouse when they are swearing you to secrecy.
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Well, before I answer that,if you would like an answer, what is your religious background? We are non-denominational and my parents are faith believers/Charismatic. Maybe that gives you some insight? Keep in mind: One flesh doesn't mean one mind- don't wanna get all religious/spiritual here. Though I will say this: my mom is BIG on confidence and so is my dad, especially in the ministry. Outside of that, my mom is BIG on it and will keep it without any problems, but my dad....if I had told HIM as opposed to my mom about MM, it's a safe bet to say that he'd be angry that he promised not to tell my mom, and he'd bug me about that because he likes to tell her things to get HER prospective. But he still wouldn't tell -besides, I am his daughter, and I am a grown woman who makes her own decisions and choices who is VERY independent and they know if they don't keep my confidence when it's promised to me, I am going to call them on it. Sorry for the threadjack, Caitlyn. This is probably answer enough, thanks. It was enough to satisfy my curiosity and I don't want to threadjack either.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I am completely dumbfounded that some seem to think that a couple who openly communicate & share every part of their lives is somehow a bad thing? I thought that was what marriage was all about? That should get a good laugh out of my husband. And the couples who don't share every single part of their lives and conversations are probably dumbfounded by your perspective, don't you think? But does that mean that either one is wrong? No - every couple does what is right for THEM. Why do we have to criticize the way a couple chooses to conduct their relationship, and why do we have to think that OUR WAY is the "right" and "only" way for a couple to be? Marriage is what the people in that marriage make it, just like a relationship is what those people in that relationship make it. The closed minded thinking on here is in very high doses.
donnamaybe Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 But one last thought: My take on the attitudes of some is that certain people - ahem - are PO'd that an affair was thwarted.
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I just showed your post to them. They both laughed, and my mom said, "Just because your spouse is your best friend, it doesn't mean that you disrespect another friend's request - that is not Christian- like." See - my dad is a minister as well as a marriage and family therapist in the church, and my mom counsels as well, and that is not a practice that they believe in or "preach". For the record, in the past, I and my siblings have tested both of my parents - and if I told either my mom or dad something and asked it not to be told, they never did tell. But my mom has said, "I'm sorry - but I HAVE TO tell your father about this" followed by WHY she had to. So, you see, not everyone shares your philosophy on telling the spouse other people's business. I'm not criticizing your view, I am just strongly opposed to the view, and so is a 40+ year married couple who are best friends. But, of course, we are all entitled to our own views. If we were friends in real life, I wouldn't tell you anything I wouldn't want your spouse to know! Your parents are the way they are, IMHO, because of their PROFESSIONS not because they don't share things with each other. Many therapists and counsellors don't discuss other's personal business with their spouses because its unethical to their profession. They are decidedly in the minority of married couples, though. Most couples share everything with each other unless professional ethics declares it illegal or undesireable.
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 And the couples who don't share every single part of their lives and conversations are probably dumbfounded by your perspective, don't you think? But does that mean that either one is wrong? No - every couple does what is right for THEM. Why do we have to criticize the way a couple chooses to conduct their relationship, and why do we have to think that OUR WAY is the "right" and "only" way for a couple to be? Marriage is what the people in that marriage make it, just like a relationship is what those people in that relationship make it. The closed minded thinking on here is in very high doses. Though to be fair, the issue arose when the OP took a hit due to the fact that her husband told her in the first place. "Close-mindedness" cuts both ways.
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Have fun with the insults because they don't bother me in the slightest. I know their not true & the only person they reflect negatively on is you. Now ain't THAT the truth. Smug posters should be put on Ignore.
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 lol you sure they were being honest? It's hard to answer YOU that honestly because of all the times you said to mom, "don't tell dad, blah blah blah...". I'm sure she talks to him. That's what best friends do because they trust it to go no further. Bingo. Even though we don't come out and say it, every one of our friends know if you speak to one, then you are actually speaking to both. Even the small stuff gets shared & I see nothing wrong with having that level of communication. (Oh wait, there is one topic that we don't share, that is girly things as he calls it. I.E. tampons, pms, etc. That is a TMI subject in his opinion LOL)
NoIDidn't Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 And the couples who don't share every single part of their lives and conversations are probably dumbfounded by your perspective, don't you think? But does that mean that either one is wrong? No - every couple does what is right for THEM. Why do we have to criticize the way a couple chooses to conduct their relationship, and why do we have to think that OUR WAY is the "right" and "only" way for a couple to be? Marriage is what the people in that marriage make it, just like a relationship is what those people in that relationship make it. The closed minded thinking on here is in very high doses. But isn't that closed-mindedness that you are accusing others of the very same thing you are doing to the OP? Telling her that her relationship with her H is somehow wrong because they share everything? Maybe you should lower your own dose of said "close-minded thinking". I liken it to hypocrisy, though.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Your parents are the way they are, IMHO, because of their PROFESSIONS not because they don't share things with each other. Many therapists and counsellors don't discuss other's personal business with their spouses because its unethical to their profession. They are decidedly in the minority of married couples, though. Most couples share everything with each other unless professional ethics declares it illegal or undesireable. Hey, NID - my parents probably are in the minority as they have a lot of views on marriage that would shock many here, even for being in the ministry. But we're talking about a couple who have known each other for 51 years, with 46 years being best friends, and 40 years being married - and they have NEVER - even before they were counselors and involved in the church, ever told the other about something that a friend told them in confidence. My mom is back here with me - she said, "There have been a very few times when your father told me something someone told him years after a situation, but never at the time that the confidence was asked for. But I have NEVER told your father at the time the confidence was asked for, or ever, and I never will." Now that, I didn't know about my dad! What they have decided in that regard has worked for them, apparently, and hopefully what other couples have decided on as far as confidence works just as well for them.
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Wow no no no bros before hos is for unmarried men. Wife and family come before friends. You beat me to it. Wow, my husband would dump every friend in a NY minute if it were to harm our relationship. Me and the kids ALWAYS come first in his eyes & I feel bad for any woman in a relationship where that is not the case.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Though to be fair, the issue arose when the OP took a hit due to the fact that her husband told her in the first place. "Close-mindedness" cuts both ways. Oh, that is true - but I wouldn't say everyone who shared that view was being closed minded - it is what it is; a different view being shared, not a view being disclosed as being the "only" and "correct" one - there is a difference. For example, I gave my own point of view and while it i=may be a strong view and opinion, and even expressed in that way, never once did I say that Caitlyn's view was WRONG or INCORRECT. Hope that makes sense.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 But isn't that closed-mindedness that you are accusing others of the very same thing you are doing to the OP? Telling her that her relationship with her H is somehow wrong because they share everything? Ms. NID - show me and/or quote me where I say/write that Caitlyn's relationship/marriage is "wrong because they share everything" - PLEASE SHOW ME. Because one thing I am not....I am not bigger than saying I am wrong or apologizing. But, please - show me! I'll be waiting - but I am sure you will come back with nothing and then try to paraphrase something that I have written incorrectly. Maybe you should lower your own dose of said "close-minded thinking". I liken it to hypocrisy' date=' though.[/quote'] For the first time since I have been here for the past 2+ years, I actually take a post written to me offensively - in none of my writings here have I been a hypocrite, NID, NOT ONE,I have continually shared my thoughts and opinions here without EVER putting a poster down as YOU MOST CERTAINLY HAVE......and I certainly don't appreciate the sentiment nor the accusation. Please back up your theory with fact, or keep your unmerited thoughts about my posts to yourself.
silktricks Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Underlined: WHAT?????? My parents are very happily married for 40 years (and still going!) and have been friends since they were 10 and 14 - and have been best friends for 45 years; NEVER has either one of them told the other something that someone told them in confidence. You don't do that - that's why it's called "confidence/confidential". I am at their house - I just asked both of them - they both looked at me like I was crazy to even ask such a thing. A few of my best friends are married - if they ever told their spouses things that i have asked them to keep in confidence, I'd be HURT - but I know for a fact they would not. But, hey, different strokes for different folks, i guess! My husband and I also believe and follow this. If something is told to him in confidence it stays confidential - likewise for me. However, if I see that something is something is eating at my husband badly I will ask him what is wrong. We also came to an agreement during our troubles that we would never protect someone else above our marriage - and keeping some things confidential can/has affected our marriage - depending upon both the source and nature of the confidence. This thread has been interesting to read (in fact I haven't read all of it, but it's been very interesting.) We recently dealt with a situation that held similarities to the Tom/Lisa situation. My husband's very good friend told him about an affair. He was told the information in confidence, so did not talk to me about it. However, he (like Tom) could not eat or sleep. Our sex life suffered. He was a wreck. He gave me some hints, but did not talk about it. Finally, I sat him down and said that he was falling apart, and if he didn't want to talk to me about it, he needed to talk to someone. He chose to talk to me. After talking to me - (I really had no input, I only listened and cried a little for the wife) - my husband met again with his friend. My H told his friend that if he didn't stop the affair immediately he would no longer have any relationship with him. The man did stop the affair, but I doubt their relationship will ever really be good again - my husband's choice - not the other man's.
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