2sure Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 GEL - you describe your status as former other woman. But your protests and accusations make you sound like you still think and feel like an OW. And a bitter one at that.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 GEL - you describe your status as former other woman. But your protests and accusations make you sound like you still think and feel like an OW. And a bitter one at that. We are all entitled to our opinions. So throw all the stones you want. GEL
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 LOL is that what your husband says to you when he wants to go out with the "guys". What an assumption to say her husband is pussywhipped because they discuss their conversations with others with one another. It's called best friends and confidants. Underlined: WHAT?????? My parents are very happily married for 40 years (and still going!) and have been friends since they were 10 and 14 - and have been best friends for 45 years; NEVER has either one of them told the other something that someone told them in confidence. You don't do that - that's why it's called "confidence/confidential". I am at their house - I just asked both of them - they both looked at me like I was crazy to even ask such a thing. A few of my best friends are married - if they ever told their spouses things that i have asked them to keep in confidence, I'd be HURT - but I know for a fact they would not. But, hey, different strokes for different folks, i guess!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 From what male perspective? I would expect if my husbands best friend was having an affair he would tell me considering we socailize with them all the time. Our friends know when we tell each other something in confidence we are also telling their spouses. I guess you don't want to look at it from a male perspective. Maybe that's how it is in your M, but that's not how it is in every M. I would think most men wouldn't even tell their W's.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I'm sure she talks to him. That's what best friends do because they trust it to go no further. It does go further, though. See my point?
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I guess you don't want to look at it from a male perspective. Maybe that's how it is in your M, but that's not how it is in every M. I would think most men wouldn't even tell their W's. You'd be wrong in my case, at least. And yes complicatedlife, different strokes indeed. There are a few matters I can't share with my wife due to legal and professional ethical reasons. Everything else, and I do mean everything, is on the table. If someone wants to share something with me in confidence, I tell them upfront that I may well share that with my wife, and my wife does the same. I have a hard time fathoming how keeping secrets from a spouse is ever a healthy thing.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 lol you sure they were being honest? It's hard to answer YOU that honestly because of all the times you said to mom, "don't tell dad, blah blah blah...". I'm sure she talks to him. That's what best friends do because they trust it to go no further. I just showed your post to them. They both laughed, and my mom said, "Just because your spouse is your best friend, it doesn't mean that you disrespect another friend's request - that is not Christian- like." See - my dad is a minister as well as a marriage and family therapist in the church, and my mom counsels as well, and that is not a practice that they believe in or "preach". For the record, in the past, I and my siblings have tested both of my parents - and if I told either my mom or dad something and asked it not to be told, they never did tell. But my mom has said, "I'm sorry - but I HAVE TO tell your father about this" followed by WHY she had to. So, you see, not everyone shares your philosophy on telling the spouse other people's business. I'm not criticizing your view, I am just strongly opposed to the view, and so is a 40+ year married couple who are best friends. But, of course, we are all entitled to our own views. If we were friends in real life, I wouldn't tell you anything I wouldn't want your spouse to know!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Again I ask what male perspective? Explain it to me. Does your husband leave you out of conversations he has with his friends like it's none of your business? Honestly I don't know what you mean. I think most men would confide in their wives this. Are you around men in general alot? Do you work outside the home? Have you had many male friends? Have you seen Benchwarmers? There is a saying,"Bros before hos." Now it is a very rude phrase, I think. But it describes a phenomena known as male friendship. It is the practice of not dissing your buddies for women. And I'm using it loosely to explain what I'm talking about to you. M is a very different R and I don't mean to demean it in any way or downplay the R between a H and W. Basically, most men would never betray their buddies. This means they wouldn't tell their W something they think she would take farther and make their buddies' life worse or hellish. That's what I'm talking about here. I know my explanation is not the best, but oh well. As for my M, I have already told my H, I don't want or need to know everything about his friend's lives. (you just can't unknow something). I am different than you NF and my H and I share pretty much everything together, but if it doesn't concern our R and it's just gossip, I don't need to know it. I hope you know that I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm just trying to explain. GEL
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 So your parents know you post on an other woman board? Do your parents know YOU post on an OW board? GEL
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 GEL I'm worried about you. Has your husband stopped communicating with you the same now that you are married? Is he convincing you that just is how men are? Actually, I'm worried about you. You're becoming a stalker. Get over me and my H and worry about your own M. GEL
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You'd be wrong in my case, at least. And yes complicatedlife, different strokes indeed. There are a few matters I can't share with my wife due to legal and professional ethical reasons. Everything else, and I do mean everything, is on the table. If someone wants to share something with me in confidence, I tell them upfront that I may well share that with my wife, and my wife does the same. I have a hard time fathoming how keeping secrets from a spouse is ever a healthy thing. Just so I understand, let me give a hypothetical: You have a best friend. This best friend (this is completely outside of work as I work in healthcare and know that if it's work related, I am bound by HIPAA and a code of ethics, which is why I said a :best friend")....becomes severely depressed because of something that happened in his childhood that is resurfacing and starts seeing a therapist. He tells you about it IN CONFIDENCE because he TRUSTS YOU and tells you that he is not telling his wife about it at this time, for whatever reason he may have....you're going to tell him that you're going to tell your wife what he just asked you to keep in confidence?
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Oh and I think your mom is right in her feelings for her relationship but she doesn't believe that if someone will get hurt (taken from her I'm sorry I have to tell comment) In this case someone is getting hurt very badly. The cheaters wife and kids not only emotionally but possibly physically with stds. No - she says it's different when it's your child. If her personal friend was involved in an affair and she was also friends with the other spouse, she says she would encourage the AP to tell because it's the right thing to do and she would pray for them. And she would not tell my dad IF SHE WAS ASKED NOT TO, nor would she tell the other spouse. But she said she would also pray for them and with the AP. So, as I mentioned before, everybody's different - there's really no right or wrong here, it's a personal belief/opinion on how to handle what you feel should or should not be confidential between friends and a spouse.
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Just so I understand, let me give a hypothetical: You have a best friend. This best friend (this is completely outside of work as I work in healthcare and know that if it's work related, I am bound by HIPAA and a code of ethics, which is why I said a :best friend")....becomes severely depressed because of something that happened in his childhood that is resurfacing and starts seeing a therapist. He tells you about it IN CONFIDENCE because he TRUSTS YOU and tells you that he is not telling his wife about it at this time, for whatever reason he may have....you're going to tell him that you're going to tell your wife what he just asked you to keep in confidence? My best friend would know (and does) that I may well share anything and everything with my wife (with the exception I've already mentioned). If he wouldn't want her to know, he'd have to tell someone else. If there was any doubt about his expectations, I'd tell him up front that he should know that I could tell my wife. Everything's on the table in advance. No one gets "betrayed". Just to be clear, my first loyalty is to my wife, not to my friend.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 So your parents know you post on an other woman board? ???? Why in God's name would that matter? LOL. I am well into my 30's, thank you, I highly doubt it's their business! And for the record, a few of my friends, as well as my mom knows that I post on an "OW/OM" site because I tell them about some of the posts/threads here- they don't get why I come here because frankly, the few who have come to look find some of the people and posts here to be the on the extreme end of being insensitive towards others. My mom is a lot more internet savvy than my dad so she might ask - "what site is it that the "mean people" are on again?"; you wouldn't want my dad to know about this forum or to be internet happy - he'd come on here on a daily basis trying to save everyone from their sins! But, on the other hand, my dad cares ZERO about my online activities. I suppose your parents monitor your online pursuits? What a ridiculous and irrelevant question to ask me. LMAO!!
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I have not told my wife I post on this site. I'd be fine if she saw my posts here, but for whatever reason I've held back and I suppose that makes me a hypocrit. So be it. But to that extent what I'm doing is not healthy for our relationship, and doesn't change my mind regarding what the ideal should be.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 My best friend would know (and does) that I may well share anything and everything with my wife (with the exception I've already mentioned). If he wouldn't want her to know, he'd have to tell someone else. If there was any doubt about his expectations, I'd tell him up front that he should know that I could tell my wife. Everything's on the table in advance. No one gets "betrayed". Just to be clear, my first loyalty is to my wife, not to my friend. While I understand about loyalty to a spouse, what I don't understand is 1. non-loyalty to a friend, whether it's "first" or "primary" loyalty in relation to a spouse and 2. If this scenario did happen, WHY the need to tell the wife - why is it something that is necessary for her to know when it involves other people and has absolutely nothing to do with her in any way, shape, or form? I'm not asking you to answer, but rather, trying to share my thought pattern as to WHY I don't understand. Because when I was married, if my husband told me that and I knew it was supposed to be in confidence, I'd be upset that he broke his friend's trust, but I'd also be like, "Why in God's name do I need to have that information- what do I do with it and where do I place that?" Anyway, just sharing a different perspective.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I have not told my wife I post on this site. I'd be fine if she saw my posts here, but for whatever reason I've held back and I suppose that makes me a hypocrit. So be it. But to that extent what I'm doing is not healthy for our relationship, and doesn't change my mind regarding what the ideal should be. I don't think your W would care if you post here. H's/W's are partners, not prison wardens.
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 While I understand about loyalty to a spouse, what I don't understand is 1. non-loyalty to a friend, whether it's "first" or "primary" loyalty in relation to a spouse and 2. If this scenario did happen, WHY the need to tell the wife - why is it something that is necessary for her to know when it involves other people and has absolutely nothing to do with her in any way, shape, or form? I'm not asking you to answer, but rather, trying to share my thought pattern as to WHY I don't understand. Because when I was married, if my husband told me that and I knew it was supposed to be in confidence, I'd be upset that he broke his friend's trust, but I'd also be like, "Why in God's name do I need to have that information- what do I do with it and where do I place that?" Anyway, just sharing a different perspective. Maybe I wasn't clear, but I tried to convey the idea that there would be no breach of a trust. Everyone would know upfront where I stood. Why would I tell my wife? Two reasons offhand: 1) to get her perspective and insight on the issue, and 2) if what I was told bothered me to such a degree that I felt the need to share it with her. Much like the OP's husband did.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You said YOU SHOWED YOUR MOM the post. I found that very odd that you would share your posts on an ow board with your mother. Why is it a ridiculous and irrelevant question when you just stated you showed your mom the post????? I was just making sure I read that right by asking you if your mom knows you post on an ow board. Just doesn't seem like something you'd share with your MINISTER dad and you said you asked them BOTH. Come on, now, "noforgiveness" - don't be coy, you know you read right! I have no problems articulating myself on here! I happen to write very well. You were trying to be funny, but it's cool - no harm, no foul. I certainly did share the post with them!! They were out here with me in the backyard earlier, so I asked them. Is it odd that a family is close and can share things? My parents and I don't always share the same views, but I can still go to my mom and my MINISTER, yep, again - MINISTER dad about anything. Repeat: ANYTHING. I love that. By the way, he thinks he needs to pray for you because of your screen name! Lol. Matter of fact, I told my mom about MM from the beginning and she never told my dad. How 'bout THEM apples - wanna try to attack that one?
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I don't think your W would care if you post here. H's/W's are partners, not prison wardens. I think this reflects the difference in our perspective. I don't think that the importance of having everything on the table with our spouses equates to prison. We've been married for over 25 years. The only time our marriage was in trouble was when we were "holding out" on each other.
complicatedlife Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Maybe I wasn't clear, but I tried to convey the idea that there would be no breach of a trust. Everyone would know upfront where I stood. Why would I tell my wife? Two reasons offhand: 1) to get her perspective and insight on the issue, and 2) if what I was told bothered me to such a degree that I felt the need to share it with her. Much like the OP's husband did. Ah, I see. Well, i can understand that if the person is given the disclosure so they can make a choice on whether they would want to share or not at that point. But I personally couldn't do that to a friend - i mean, what if I was the ONLY person he felt he could trust with that information and he NEEDED to share? I'd feel that I would need to offer and give him full confidence. So while I wouldn't necessarily agree with how you would handle it, I certainly do understand - especially your #2. Isn't it great to agree to disagree and have a polite discourse?
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Matter of fact, I told my mom about MM from the beginning and she never told my dad. How 'bout THEM apples - wanna try to attack that one? My religious views are largely an unsorted-out muddle, but this does make me honestly wonder about what their view is on the concept of "one flesh". Not an attack, just curiosity.
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 ??? But from your first post: If your husband told you nothing, how did you know: While he did not admit to the affair, he admitted to thinking about one?? Neither myself or my husband had to say another word, we both just knew, I knew from the way my husband reacted that I was in fact right & he knew because he could tell Tom was lying to his face.
Author Caitlyn Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Quote: Originally Posted by donnamaybe I'm not sure what the above means. Can you please enlighten me? Here you go: Quote: Originally Posted by Caitlyn I'm shocked you seem to think that bolded part is the normal outcome of an affair. That's hard to get in any relationship, let alone one burdened with additional stress from the start. Sorry, but that was a statement on relationships in general. My marriage is fine, has been from day one because we have trust, honesty & communication. Anyone claiming their marriage is all of bed of roses is either comletely delusional or lying to themselves. No marriage is perfect, mine is no exception, but I have no doubts regarding our strenght as partners. If anyone is projecting an insecurity here, it's Greeneyedlady, not me.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I think this reflects the difference in our perspective. I don't think that the importance of having everything on the table with our spouses equates to prison. We've been married for over 25 years. The only time our marriage was in trouble was when we were "holding out" on each other. I agree. This is the difference in our perspectives. You took what I meant completely literally when it was meant to illustrate that mates are partners and not our keepers and I mean that in a good way. And I'm not going to say anymore about it because you seem to want to argue and you're not going to understand me anyway. Perhaps it is a generational gap, because I am younger than you and I see things differently. My parents have been married 36 years and I use them as an example. They are best friends. But they don't feel forced to tell each other everything (though they usually do), and they have space to be their own person. I guess I'm really talking about free will here, but I don't really think that this is a good place for a discussion about it. I certainly didn't mean to imply that M is prison (or I would not have married again.) But I am happy with the M I have and you seem to be happy with the one you have so I guess that we just have to agree to disagree and use what works in our own M's. GEL
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