A Different Perspective

[Caitlyn]

So Tom actually said that he told her you knew about the affair in order to take heat off of him? How does that work? Did he think that he would look his wife in the eyes and say "sure honey, I cheated... but caitlyn knew about it, and that's even worse... right?". Caitlyn, is Tom a complete idiot? Were you best friends with Rainman? Also, the idea that he only told your husband because he expected you to do his dirty work and tell her yourself... then why didn't he actually admit to it if that was the plan? What, he wanted you to tell his wife that he was thinking about an affair? That's all he admitted to that night, right? You explain that part away by saying that he assumed you would "figure it out". Wow, that's some deep thinking and elaborate plan making for such an idiot...

 

Caitlyn, you really did not do anything "wrong" here, but IMO you acted out of emotion and ignorance. You weren't trying to hurt anyone, but you and your husband freaked out and jumped the gun. Whether you want to admit to it or not, neither of you acted like Toms friend here. You acted like his guardian, and forced him to do your version of the "right" thing. The right thing would have been to end the affair and then rebuild the marriage. The problem is that Tom was in the "affair fog" and needed you(as his friend) to help him see the correct path... which BTW, was NOT immediately telling his wife before he had an opportunity to really think this thing through. You did not know about the other factors or any specifics regarding the affair back then, so you can't use them to justify your poor actions as Tom's friend during that time. This whole thing might have worked out completely differently than it did. All of these OW/OM haters can blow sunshine up your butt all they want, and you can use their twisted comments as justification if you need to, but the truth is that you were just as ****ty of a friend to Tom as he was to you.

 

I'm sorry if you view that as a personal attack.

 

I don't think he thought much at all. To me, he was acting in panic & he wasn't thinking clearly about anything. I mean, at that momment, Tom knew his OW was pregnant, his boss had told him he was being let go because of the affair & his world was imploding.

 

I just think Tom was looking for a way where he would not have to actually say those words to Lisa at all. Wether that makes him an idiot or just a man who was thinking in blind panic, who knows?

 

Then again, there is also the real possibility that Tom is still lying & that what he said the other night is not the truth at all. I mean my husband is good at calming people down, but I think this would of even been out of his league.

 

As for if my husband & myself were wrong, everyone will see that differently. I just stand by the fact that Lisa was an equally good friend to both of us and I feel we did the best we could, with the knowledge we had, in a situation with no really good option.

 

Also, my husband asked him point blank that night, "are you sleeping with this woman?" Tom said nothing, and to my husband, that spoke volumes. So I guess now that I think about it, in a way, he did admit to the affair. (if that makes sense)

 

 

BTW, at this point I'd say that yes, Tom is an idiot. Maybe not at a rainman level, but he definitely isn't acting all that smart.

[In_Repair]

Like I said pages ago caitlyn, this is ultimately all on Toms shoulders. I just think that you handled it poorly as his friend.

 

For what it's worth, Tom does sound like a jack-ass.

[donnamaybe]

And she handled it WONDERFULLY as the BS's friend.

 

Who should she have shown more loyalty to? The cheating, lying friend who was betraying her innocent friend, or the innocent friend who was being cheated on and lied to?

[Reggie]

And she handled it WONDERFULLY as the BS's friend.

 

Who should she have shown more loyalty to? The cheating, lying friend who was betraying her innocent friend, or the innocent friend who was being cheated on and lied to?

 

Exactly. Those recommending silence seem to forget about their other friend and the duty owed to her. WTF, were they supposed to let her ,potentially , get an STD?

[NoIDidn't]

Gosh!

 

As a new W I found this all a bit OTT! I can't speak for any other fOW, but speaking for myself I certainly didn't want my H's xW's life, not a bit of it! Throughout the A I was always smug about how perfect my own life was, compared to her sorry mess of a life, so why on earth would I have wanted hers when I had a wonderful R with a wonderful guy (my now-H) while she had an estranged, abusive M which he'd checked out of; I had a fulfilling job in an exciting place while she was pushed out of hers because no one could get on with her; I lived in a wonderful place and had - have - a great circle of friends while she hated where she lived, and the only "friends" she had were those friends and colleagues of her now xH's that she hadn't completely alienated; I have great kids that I'm really close to, while hers lived in fear of her and spent their time away from her as far as possible. What's to envy???

 

Ironically, as things worked out, I'm now living in the house she hated (having spent months exorcising it and redoing it), working among her former colleagues, and enjoying a hectic social life among the friends she may once have invited round (as well, of course, as my own friends, and other friends my H and I have made as a couple). But the dynamics are very different, my relationships to friends, family and colleagues could not be more different from hers, and my M and my R with my H's kids are strong, vibrant, fun, and completely devoid of drama and pain - the antithesis of hers.

 

So no, I can't relate to that kind of "life envy" at all - and imagine that anyone who aspires to that must either have no life of their own, or have such low self-esteem that the best alternative (of which they consder themselves worthy) that they can picture is the misery package of a reject and her life.

 

So the "common ploy" wasn't applicable to you. No need for the dissertation.

 

But the fact that you mention your relationship with her kids vs. hers with her own kids shows that you want to out do her in something. And that's part of the "common ploy" theme. I'm not saying this to demean you or devalue your M with your former MM. Its common to new W's vs. exWs. But in the affair dynamic, its worse and much uglier because the MM actually tries to basically just have the OW replace the W in previous relationships without giving friends and family a real chance to adjust.

 

Its the whole "get over it" part that upsets the people that have the new spouse thrown on them that's so annoying. People take married couples as a package deal. When the package changes, and the manner in which the package changes, affects those relationships. Sometimes for the better (as you say in your case) , and sometimes for the worse.

[OWoman]

So the "common ploy" wasn't applicable to you. No need for the dissertation.

 

But the fact that you mention your relationship with her kids vs. hers with her own kids shows that you want to out do her in something. And that's part of the "common ploy" theme. I'm not saying this to demean you or devalue your M with your former MM. Its common to new W's vs. exWs. But in the affair dynamic, its worse and much uglier because the MM actually tries to basically just have the OW replace the W in previous relationships without giving friends and family a real chance to adjust.

 

Perhaps. I certainly want my M to work, and my Rs with family, friends and colleagues to work... which, I guess, would equate to outdoing her. I hadn't considered it a competition, I was merely citing it here to support my claims that I didn't want her life, but perhaps that does involve some kind of comparison or competition, dunno.

 

Its the whole "get over it" part that upsets the people that have the new spouse thrown on them that's so annoying. People take married couples as a package deal. When the package changes' date=' and the manner in which the package changes, affects those relationships. Sometimes for the better (as you say in your case) , and sometimes for the worse.[/quote']

 

I guess the difference in our case was that we were already known to them as a couple, and they could have taken or left it back then (under the guise of loyalt to her, if necessary) so there was no "getting over it" involved. It was simply a formalisation of what was already in place.

[complicatedlife]

All night scrabble game? Who won?

Hey, we like Scrabble! I carry a "Travel Scrabble" game with me in my car! (I'm not kidding!)Lol. We actually DID play for a little while....if I'm going to be brutally honest...he wins more than I do.