m-j Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Facts for those who dont know my story: Dating BF just over a year Living with him for 5 months Cheated on me after 4 months of dating (relevent?) Going to a music festival this weekend I emailed him to say his friend asked me if i wanted to book the campsite next to theirs (im going to the festival with one of our female friends, BF is going with three of his male friends) and I panicked and just said yes because i didnt know where else we'd stay. I emailed my BF saying "i hope its ok" because I knew he wanted to have more of a boys weekend than spend it with me, which hurt.....this is how he responded: "It was never my plan to spend this weekend with you. I made that clear. I feel that you've undermined me at every opportunity to make of this weekend what you always fantasized it should be. I feel that you want to experience the reverse of what you went through the last time you were at {music festival name} in order to settle a score with your previous self, and that's fine... but it's not what I want. You have forced yourself into my time with my three best friends under the guise of you being just another festival goer. You have told me that I have no control because you are going with {our female friend} and it's a public event. Under these pretenses you have slowly but surely asserted your involvement. Our periodical arguments about {music festival name}, and your claims to not remember them, have left me soured toward the whole festival. I guess the answer to your question is that - I wasn't considered and no, it's not OK." How do I even begin to respond....
redant Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I would not want to be where I'm not wanted. But that's me. Can't you get another campsite? Can you have a good time without him? I would try to do that. If he wanted a boys trip you could have let him have it.
blueyedchika Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I would gracefully back out of the weekend and hold your head high. Apologize for not realizing that it was soooooo freakin important to him to spent the weekend without you. It was not your idea to include yourself & you were invited by his friend so maybe he should have been clear to his friends so it wouldnt have made it such a big deal between the two of you. It sounds to me like an honest miscommunication or lack of communication on every level. However, why is he so freakin insistant that you cant go? Its ok for the other girl to go but not you??????? Sounds a bit off to me
Author m-j Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 I would gracefully back out of the weekend and hold your head high. Apologize for not realizing that it was soooooo freakin important to him to spent the weekend without you. It was not your idea to include yourself & you were invited by his friend so maybe he should have been clear to his friends so it wouldnt have made it such a big deal between the two of you. It sounds to me like an honest miscommunication or lack of communication on every level. However, why is he so freakin insistant that you cant go? Its ok for the other girl to go but not you??????? Sounds a bit off to me i cant back out - the campsite is booked. these sites are as rare as hens teeth during this festival time and we are VERY lucky that we were able to book one. they cost alot of money and we cant cancel. i also spoke to one of his male friends and he said he wasnt aware it was a strictly boys weekend at all. it was ok that i was going with our female friend and we werent going with the boys. now the ownice is on me because i was aware that my BF wanted to spend time with his friends - i just wasnt aware of the scale to which he wanted to restrict me from seeing him. i dont understand why he wants to exclude me so badly - he has accused me of being clingy before, and then a day or so afterwards he has accused me of not spending enough time with him. i cant win. he hates talking about marriage with me or any kind of future plans. maybe hes JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. despite the fact that we have moved out together and he absolutely would not have done that if he wasnt serious (he has never done it with anyone else before). he is going to say i am not being considerate of his feelings and i will not have anything to say to that. i booked the site because i thought a) two girls should not be sleeping in a van on the side of a road at night when we are both going to be incredibly intoxicated and will have no way of getting to and from this van from the festival and b) i thought it might be fun to have a group of six friends (and yes, my BF) in a little group at a campsite that we will hardly be at the whole time i just dont know what to say to him.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 :eek: I don't think I even COULD respond to that. What an attitude. His friend is nicer to you than your BF. I agree with blue-eyed, except I wouldn't apologize for ANYTHING. I'd back out of the weekend and find something funner to go do - something where I'm actually wanted. And honestly - I'd have a hard time responding to that at all with any kind of composure. I'd probably ignore it and let him figure out WTH happened to me if he even cares.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 i cant back out - the campsite is booked. these sites are as rare as hens teeth during this festival time and we are VERY lucky that we were able to book one. they cost alot of money and we cant cancel. I'd try listing the thing on Craigslist. If they are in that high of demand, you'll find a buyer.
TDS45 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Wow, I sort of feel like he overreacted. I mean, he stayed calm in that e-mail, and it seemed well thought out, but just what he said seems like he's overreacting to this whole thing. But maybe you could reply by saying that it just happened to be next to theirs. Campsites are difficult to obtain, and it was an available one. And let him know that you didn't realize how big of a deal it was to him to have a boys day or whatever. You could just avoid him as much as possible (not in an immature way, but just so he wouldn't be annoyed). And if you're curious, maybe you could ask and discuss (possibly better in person or over the phone, to avoid more misunderstandings) why he felt the need to be away from you so much. You can apologize for intruding on his boys' time together, but let him know you were hurt by his remark, and you had no intention of upsetting him. But I do feel that his response was kind of rude to say to one's girlfriend. There may be more troubling him. Good luck to you!
D-Lish Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 i cant back out - the campsite is booked. these sites are as rare as hens teeth during this festival time and we are VERY lucky that we were able to book one. they cost alot of money and we cant cancel. i also spoke to one of his male friends and he said he wasnt aware it was a strictly boys weekend at all. it was ok that i was going with our female friend and we werent going with the boys. now the ownice is on me because i was aware that my BF wanted to spend time with his friends - i just wasnt aware of the scale to which he wanted to restrict me from seeing him. i dont understand why he wants to exclude me so badly - he has accused me of being clingy before, and then a day or so afterwards he has accused me of not spending enough time with him. i cant win. he hates talking about marriage with me or any kind of future plans. maybe hes JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. despite the fact that we have moved out together and he absolutely would not have done that if he wasnt serious (he has never done it with anyone else before). he is going to say i am not being considerate of his feelings and i will not have anything to say to that. i booked the site because i thought a) two girls should not be sleeping in a van on the side of a road at night when we are both going to be incredibly intoxicated and will have no way of getting to and from this van from the festival and b) i thought it might be fun to have a group of six friends (and yes, my BF) in a little group at a campsite that we will hardly be at the whole time i just dont know what to say to him. Yes you can back out- you just want to frame it that you can't. You can suck it up and eat the cost- someone else will go in your place. Okay- be honest at least. You wanted the site beside your bf because you don't trust him. It's not a coincidence that out of all of the sites you ended up beside him. Yes it's relevant he cheated after 4 months. He wants a boys weekend- you want to intrude on that boys weekend because you don't trust him. I think you are right not to trust him. But- I think your way of policing his weekend is the wrong way to go about it. You are kind of framing this like you just magically ended up beside his campsite- but that can't be the case. If you don't trust him- you shouldn't be with him. His response to you is venomous because his chances of scoring chicks will be lessened if you are camping beside him. You deserve better than this guy.
Author m-j Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 By saying "I can't back out of the weekend" I mean I won't. This festival is one of the biggest in Australia and tickets sold out in record time. I didn't plan to go with my boyfriend because I thought I would give him a bit of space and freedom and time with his friends. I did assume that we might be able to have a few moments together during bands that mean alot to both of us but maybe I'm asking too much. The campsite is directly next to the boys' campsite because that is the one that his friend was booking. I did not orchestrate that at all. His friend booked the one next to it because he (and my BF's other friends) enjoy the company of myself and our female friend. This is how I responded: "You have made me sound like I have deviously plotted to somehow take over your boys weekend, which is simply not true, and it offends me. {BF's male friend} phoned me on Monday morning telling me I had 5 seconds to tell him whether {female friend} and I would book the campsite next to the one he was booking. I quickly decided that it would be unsafe for me and {female friend} to park our van in a random spot on the side of a road as we would be most likely drunk and have no way to and from the van from the festival and WHO KNOWS what could have happened to us. Also, the police are cracking down on illegally parked campers and on the spot fines apply. With all this in mind, I hastily told {male friend} that yes, we would book the campsite for the above reasons. As a side note, I did discuss the fact that I didnt want to impose on the boys weekend and {male friend} told me he wasn't aware that it was strictly a boys event but that it was my decision to make. Unfortunately, the campsite is booked and cannot be cancelled so we will just have to get over it and move on. I will stay out of you way at {music festival}. Trust me; I do not want to be someplace I am unwelcome. We will hardly be at the campsite anyway. No one can ruin your {music festival} unless you let them." And i am not looking forward to sharing a bed with him tonight.
Author m-j Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 I might also add that my bf works at a law firm and is INCREDIBLY good at speaking and twisting conversation around to argue his point. which is why his response sounds so calm and collected - but trust me, it is full of venom.
D-Lish Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I might also add that my bf works at a law firm and is INCREDIBLY good at speaking and twisting conversation around to argue his point. which is why his response sounds so calm and collected - but trust me, it is full of venom. Well that is obvious. Okay, so you won't give up your space at the site. Whatever. Doesn't it bother you that he wants to be at this fesitval without you? Especially since you say the two of you have a mutual liking for certain bands? I am not sure what you are trying to justify here. You're boyfriend is an ass that wants to spend a drunken festival weekend without you, and now that you are going to be in his face he is mad. What does that tell you about your relationship and the character of your bf? He wants to go alone un-policed so he can fish for chicks. You just ruined his weekend because he can't cheat with a gf in the next camp site. Something sound wrong with this relationship to you?
TDS45 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Yeah, I agree with D-Lish, those are valid points. Being new to this site, I didn't know if it was appropriate to put down the subject of the post or not, haha. But yeah, I really think your boyfriend has some issues. Even though he may have just wanted to be with the boys for this occasion, he treated you poorly in that e-mail. He shouldn't be that upset if you decide to come. And I believe that his cheating on you before greatly relates to this problem now.
green/eyes Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 My lady I would like to find a silver lining in this cloud but it appears he had some other "things" to tend to during this trip. Time with the guys is important, but his reaction is fishy to say the least.
Author m-j Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Well that is obvious. Okay, so you won't give up your space at the site. Whatever. Doesn't it bother you that he wants to be at this fesitval without you? Especially since you say the two of you have a mutual liking for certain bands? I am not sure what you are trying to justify here. You're boyfriend is an ass that wants to spend a drunken festival weekend without you, and now that you are going to be in his face he is mad. What does that tell you about your relationship and the character of your bf? He wants to go alone un-policed so he can fish for chicks. You just ruined his weekend because he can't cheat with a gf in the next camp site. Something sound wrong with this relationship to you? Yes it does bother me which is why i began this thread. I was hoping someone could give me an explanation for his behaviour or some kind of advice based on their own experiences. I actually trust him and I dont think he wants to cheat on me at the festival. And even if he got a little too flirtatious his friends would pull him up immediately. I am assuming, D-Lish, that your solution is to simply dump him and move out of the house? I like to put effort in and work at relationships when things go wrong.
D-Lish Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Yeah, I agree with D-Lish, those are valid points. Being new to this site, I didn't know if it was appropriate to put down the subject of the post or not, haha. But yeah, I really think your boyfriend has some issues. Even though he may have just wanted to be with the boys for this occasion, he treated you poorly in that e-mail. He shouldn't be that upset if you decide to come. And I believe that his cheating on you before greatly relates to this problem now. You can be whatever kind of poster you want to be:cool: Being honest without being disrespectful is a cool way to go about it. Say whatever you want to say. Give your 2-cents. I hope I am being respectful in what I say to the OP. I just feel like her dude is mad because he wants this weekend away so he can cheat and she busted him.
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 How do I even begin to respond.... LOL, let him eat a silence sandwich and go to Gympie next month without him Seriously
D-Lish Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I was hoping someone could give me an explanation for his behaviour [/b]or some kind of advice based on their own experiences. We have- he's a cheater- and he's hoping to do it again. He's mad you plan to police his fun. I actually trust him and I dont think he wants to cheat on me at the festival. And even if he got a little too flirtatious his friends would pull him up immediately. Then why worry? And why do his friends need to police him? I am assuming, D-Lish, that your solution is to simply dump him and move out of the house? I like to put effort in and work at relationships when things go wrong. Nothing is simple. You asked what people think. What do you think? Doesn't it seem rather crappy that your bf is so adamant that you don't hang around with him this weekend? Yeah, I think he's a player (from what you've said)- and yeah- I think if he cheated before and stayed... He'll do it again.
Author m-j Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I would just like to let everyone know how my festival weekend went: I slept with my boyfriend every night and spent as much time with him during the festival as we could. I had some girl time with my friend and he had some boy time with his friends, but we met up alot and hung out as a group as well as spending a lot of time together as a couple. We were very affectionate all weekend and it was just perfect. I was worrying about nothing!
socialight Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 wow, where to begin. First, you moved in with this guy after 5 months of dating? Second, he cheated on you, and you are still together? Third, after one year of "Being together" you are still having serious discussions over email and not face to face or over the phone? I honestly can't recall reading more disfuntionality in a single post. I am sure I have, but I can't remember what it would be.
JustLooking123 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I would just like to let everyone know how my festival weekend went: I slept with my boyfriend every night and spent as much time with him during the festival as we could. I had some girl time with my friend and he had some boy time with his friends, but we met up alot and hung out as a group as well as spending a lot of time together as a couple. We were very affectionate all weekend and it was just perfect. I was worrying about nothing! How on earth did everything get so peachy? The situation you described earlier in this thread sounded so hostile; the tone of his email was so full of disgust towards you. Do you guys go back and forth like this often?
Author m-j Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Ok, I think that I VERY OFTEN over react and have anxiety issues so I make a big deal out of everything. And I think my BF says alot of harsh things sometimes that he doesn't mean. I am also all in favour of moving on asap if the opportunity is presented to me - which is what i did. I think he was worried I would cling to him the whole time and not give him any space. He was surprised to find that I did give him space and he decided he wanted to spend lots of time with me. Theres a chance he also has issues with girlfriends befriending his friends as he had a bad experience in the past with friends dating ex girlfriends. All that aside, we actually lived together in another city about 8 weeks after we started dating, lived together for about 2 months, returned home and lived with our families and then moved out again after a few months. I guess when you know its going to work then you know? Or you're at least willing to try. We argue alot and get on each others nerves alot. But we also love each other dearly and we are dedicated. Of course, next time something goes wrong I will be on here complaining and then a couple of days later i'll be singing his praises! I am seriously beginning to trust him, which is GREAT. I am also learning to reduce my anxiety which is not his fault at all. You are all thinking "poor naive girl" but believe me, i am skeptical of everyone and I am learning to trust again.
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