pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I don't think I can keep dating this guy. I haven't seen him in almost two weeks, and he's made no attempt to see me. Last week, he admitted to me he suffers from depression, aniety and mild agoraphobia, which is why we didn't see each other over the weekend, because he was too depressed. He's never made any plans to see me over the course of dating. My therapist said he might be too anxious to make plans. Either way, it doesn't jive with me. I was re-reading our emails today. After our fantastic first date, he wrote me and told me what a great time he had, how happy he is that we got together, etc. But -- he didn't ask to see me again -- I remember thinking that was weird. He always calls when he says he's going to call, and whenever I call him, he always calls back within the hour. He gives me presents. He took down his dating profile, and I am positive he is not seeing anyone else. But these are the only positives. When we are together it is great, but to be honest, he's kept me at such a distance, I feel like I am losing nothing by ending things. I'm going out of town on Wed for work. I emailed him and asked if he wanted to get together tomorrow night. We'll see what happens. If I don't hear back from him, I'm just forgetting about it. If I do see him, I'll talk to him about all of this. It's disappointing, but I know better than thinking I can change someone like this.
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hi panda, I've been following your story with this guy, and I must tell you what everyone else already has - you deserve better. I know it's a cliche, but what I mean is that relationships are supposed to be mutual experiences, and YOU are doing all the work. Not only does this guy have a host of problems you'd have to deal with down the road (agoraphobia, etc.), he's also an unmanly, inconsiderate wimp. No woman should have to do as much work as you have in this thing. I think that you're sweating him b/c currently he's the only dude on your proverbial plate, but once you meet someone who, you know, acts like a freaking MAN who's not flaky and shy, you will realize just how much of your time you wasted on this douchebag.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 PG, I think that you were so euphoric about his exceptance of your HSV status, that you didn't fully try to get to know him as well as you should. He obviously has issues, but this doesn"t mean he is not able to have an open and committed relationship . He was very accepting of you, shouldn't you try to return the favor? IMO
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 He was very accepting of you, shouldn't you try to return the favor? IMO Totally disagree. HPV or no, this guy has been treating her like an option, always keeping her at arm's length. From the sound of it, he is simply not a reliable guy. He frustrates her more than he makes her happy. End it with this loser.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 PG, I think that you were so euphoric about his exceptance of your HSV status, that you didn't fully try to get to know him as well as you should. He obviously has issues, but this doesn"t mean he is not able to have an open and committed relationship . He was very accepting of you, shouldn't you try to return the favor? IMO Yes, I totally agree! Him having a mental disorder is not a deal breaker. Heck, I am on anti-depressants, and for years and years I suffered from bouts of depression that left me unable to leave my bed. In a sense, I can totally understand. But, he told me that he thinks this is something he can deal with on his own, that he doesn't want to take meds, and that this is "just who he is." I know well enough from my own experience that it was impossible to have a relationship with me before I started going to therapy and starting treatment. You push people away. Anxiety and depression are very real things. I don't fault him for not seeing me because he was depressed/feeling anxious -- it makes complete sense to me. The hitch is, he doesn't want to try to get better. However, I think it was a big deal that he told me. It means he trusts me and feels comfortable enough to share this personal information with me. I don't take that lightly.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Totally disagree. HPV or no, this guy has been treating her like an option, always keeping her at arm's length. From the sound of it, he is simply not a reliable guy. He frustrates her more than he makes her happy. End it with this loser. I promise you -- this guy is not a loser. He is kind, intelligent and genuine. I seldom meet people like him. Yes, he is keeping me at arm's length, but now that I know he suffers from depression/anxiety, it makes a lot more sense.
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 OK, well, now you're waffling. Which is it, the sweetheart puppy dog with problems, or the inconsiderate jerk? I still feel you're rationalizing. You said in your OP that you want to end it. Based upon having read several threads about the guy's inattentiveness, it sounds like a good idea.
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Yes, he is keeping me at arm's length, but now that I know he suffers from depression/anxiety, it makes a lot more sense. Those things are not your problems. Yes, dysfunction brings people together, and then they have a dysfunctional R. Go for the normal ones who aren't projects. But my guess is that the projects are the ones you're unconsciously attracted to.
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 PG, you are such a sweetheart:love: These issues are exactly the things you need to talk about when you meet. Tell him of your concerns and that you want to continue, but he must make an effort to get a handle on his MH issues, then see what he says.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Those things are not your problems. Yes, dysfunction brings people together, and then they have a dysfunctional R. Go for the normal ones who aren't projects. But my guess is that the projects are the ones you're unconsciously attracted to. I think it's obvious I DON'T want a project. I know I can't "fix" people nor do I have the desire to. What I can do is be supportive and understanding though. Everyone has issues and problems; his may just be a little more prominent. It doesn't define who he is.
green/eyes Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Could you give a little background? How long have you two been seeing eachother? Yeah I know I could go through the previous threads, but it does not hurt to ask.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Could you give a little background? How long have you two been seeing eachother? Yeah I know I could go through the previous threads, but it does not hurt to ask. We've been dating for two months; we met on a dating site. Last week he took down his profile He's never instigated a planned date with me...he'll just call me and ask to see that night. Whenever I make plans, he's always very receptive and happy to see me. When we are together, it's like we are bf/gf, very affectionate, attentive, sweet. But it's almost like out of sight out of mind. We've both been out of town a lot. Last weekend was the first time we were both in town, and he had been saying for weeks, "I'll be in town next weekend..." "We can hang out more this weekend," etc. But when that weekend came, he bailed saying he was sick, which I found strange since I he has been "sick" since I met him! Finally last week I called him and he admitted he was really depressed that weekend and couldn't leave his house. So, that's about it!
northstar1 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 We've been dating for two months; we met on a dating site. Last week he took down his profile He's never instigated a planned date with me...he'll just call me and ask to see that night. Whenever I make plans, he's always very receptive and happy to see me. When we are together, it's like we are bf/gf, very affectionate, attentive, sweet. But it's almost like out of sight out of mind. We've both been out of town a lot. Last weekend was the first time we were both in town, and he had been saying for weeks, "I'll be in town next weekend..." "We can hang out more this weekend," etc. But when that weekend came, he bailed saying he was sick, which I found strange since I he has been "sick" since I met him! Finally last week I called him and he admitted he was really depressed that weekend and couldn't leave his house. So, that's about it! Look Panda, whatever his issues are (sick, depression, busy), he is not making the effort. You deserve a guy making an effort. It's really that simple. You deserve better
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 She doesn't believe or recognize that she deserves better. Until self-valuation happens, she'll continue to allow people to disappoint her.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Look Panda, whatever his issues are (sick, depression, busy), he is not making the effort. You deserve a guy making an effort. It's really that simple. You deserve better I know from the facts, it seems like he is not making the effort -- believe me, I feel the same way -- but if have suffered from depression and/or anxiety, it can really affect your behavior. If you are having a bad week, you don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. It's quite debilitating, having experienced it myself. I'm not making excuses for him, but it is something I have to take into consideration.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 She doesn't believe or recognize that she deserves better. Until self-valuation happens, she'll continue to allow people to disappoint her. No offense, Kizik, but yes I do understand that I deserve someone who WANTS to be with ME. Kizik, what if you suffered from depression or anxiety disorder? Do you know what's that like? I may be reading into things, but I think he told me he has this disorder because he felt bad for bailing on me when we had plans, and realized he had to explain himself to me.
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 F*ck yeah I'm depressed. I spend most of my life completely alone. So please don't assume I don't know what that's like. Even WITH my depression, I don't use it as an excuse and I certainly don't neglect my friends b/c of it.
green/eyes Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I would have to agree with the others that he is not making the efforts. It may sound harsh but his personal problems (if that is in fact the true basis behind his actions) are not yours, nor should they be a reason for you to settle for or accept. In the beginning of a relationship is when he should be going out of his way to win you over and I'm sure you have thought the same thing. Please don't fall into the "I can change or save him" category that so many women do. Think of yourself first. I would suggest at least an extended period of NC on your part to see what he's made of; however, it does seem like your trying to pee up the rope. If it's meant to be it will be. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 F*ck yeah I'm depressed. I spend most of my life completely alone. So please don't assume I don't know what that's like. Even WITH my depression, I don't use it as an excuse and I certainly don't neglect my friends b/c of it. Well, maybe my experience was different, because when I was depressed I DID push away some of my very best friends, to the point that they had to have an intervention with me. And I'm sorry that you are depressed. With all sincerity, I hope you get help for it.
northstar1 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I know from the facts, it seems like he is not making the effort -- believe me, I feel the same way -- but if have suffered from depression and/or anxiety, it can really affect your behavior. If you are having a bad week, you don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. It's quite debilitating, having experienced it myself. I'm not making excuses for him, but it is something I have to take into consideration. Well, then fair enough, but if he is that debillitated by his condition, then he's really in no position to date until he finds himself in a better place. If it's this much of a disconnect this early, it isn't likely going to improve.
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm sorry that you are depressed. With all sincerity, I hope you get help for it. Thank you - I've just gotta say, though, that depression is just another word for being unhappy, and that medication is not the answer. I am, however, a firm believer in therapy, which I halted a while back - b/c I became too busy to attend! Well, then fair enough, but if he is that debillitated by his condition, then he's really in no position to date until he finds himself in a better place. Totally agreed! What is he doing? You can't expect to be in a relationship when you refuse to get help, as he is doing.
Author pandagirl Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you - I've just gotta say, though, that depression is just another word for being unhappy, and that medication is not the answer. I am, however, a firm believer in therapy, which I halted a while back - b/c I became too busy to attend! Not true! Sometimes depression has to do with a chemical imbalance in your brain. I resisted taking meds for over a decade; I started taking them 6 months ago, and the difference is amazing. I'm not a "happier" person, but it's improved the quality of life and it's helped me stop obsessing over things.
Graduate Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 OMG, it sounds like we are dating the same guy. Do you live in Nevada by any chance?
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 He acting the role, rather than being the person. A decade ago, I would've felt I could fix this. Now, I'd pass. Hope you figure out your path
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