Onionskin Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Last night I came home to my man and told him that I was considering taking a pole dancing fitness class with a workmate who asked me to join her. It has always looked like a bit of cheeky fun and I really wanted to do it. He didn't like the idea, telling me only "sluts and single mothers" do things like that. I asked him if there was something I didn't want him to do, would he not do it and he said "yes, that's the difference between you and I". That hurt me. Somehow we got into a conversation about something else, and he snapped at me and told me to "stop being smart"... I didn't think I was. I asked him not to speak to me like that, that I don't like when he raises his voice at me and speaks to me like I am a child (there have been other times when he has pointed his finger in my face and told me things like "show some respect"). I told him it frightens me and takes me back to my childhood when my dad (who used to drink a lot) would yell at me. I told him I didn't like feeling that fear again. We got on to the topic of our relationship and he said he didn't want to "spend 5 hours talking about it" as he has to get up early in the morning, and he didn't want his Monday night football game spoilt by it (glad he has his priorities straight...). We went to bed as normal, and this morning he kissed me goodbye as normal. When I got up later and switched my phone on I see a text message from him basically saying that he can't be with someone who is afraid of him, and that it is over. No remorse about making me feel scared, just... it's over. I don't know how to feel... we LIVE together so it's not like he didn't have last night, tonight, whenever to talk to me!
Thomas X Forever Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Ah, this has all the ingredients for a dramatic breakup recipe. Unfortunately, and this TRULY IS UNFORTUNATE because it ISN'T and NEVER was your fault, but what your father has done to you has caused unforeseeable negatives in the way you operate with guys. If you haven't, I strongly suggest getting professional help to deal with this. Because him yelling, isn't necessarily wrong. What your father did was wrong, and you reliving it through somewhat normal actions on your ex bf's behalf, is also wrong. You need therapy, and I say that in a good way, not to belittle you or put you down. I don't think he dealt with it correctly by just abandoning you with that reason. He should have stuck by you as you got professional help, and supported it. I don't think either party is innocent in this case.
lorilynne Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I feel bad because all I'm thinking is it's not football season lol!
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I feel bad because all I'm thinking is it's not football season lol! I THOUGHT THE SAME THING!!!!! i looked at the date for a second and i was like wtf...am i missing something? did i sleep for a month or sumthin?
Author Onionskin Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Because him yelling, isn't necessarily wrong. What your father did was wrong, and you reliving it through somewhat normal actions on your ex bf's behalf, is also wrong. So him pointing his finger in my face is alright?? I know him yelling isn't wrong... hell if I bawl every time someone yells at me I am never going to be able to have a long term relationship. It's just hard... I didn't like feeling that scared again. I don't think he dealt with it correctly by just abandoning you with that reason. I asked him why he did that and got another message from him this morning saying Don't be so selfish, you're not the only one who has to go to work feeling like ****. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant that I didn't think he would ever break up with me via text... it's so horrible. I don't know what to do. He is acting like he doesn't want to know me saying he feels sick about how things turned out. I just tried to be honest with him. I am trying to work out what I have done so wrong. FFS it is football season in Australia...
SRTtoZ Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I believe she is talking Soccer, not american Football.
lorilynne Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Wow and they play that on Monday nights, too! I'm out of touch!
darknightie Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Oy - I would stay out of this man's way for a few days. He is in a funk for what ever reason and it may have nothing to do with you at all. Has he ever mentioned breaking up before? It could have been a threat - hard to say. Men are from mars/women from venus is a good book to keep you busy for this sort of incident. It helped me a lot when something similar happened to me. I couldnt win, no matter what I said I was getting lashed out at.
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 First of all, I think you annoyed him by mentioning the pole dancing exercise, which a lot of men would find pretty trashy and would lose respect for a woman who showed interest in this. It probably reminds them of topless dancers who they might like to drool over, but they wouldn't be with in a serious relationship for anything. My nephew, who has had his pick of women, is one of these guys. He can't stand topless dancers. He's not religious or anything like that, either. So, be careful about this kind of thing, and about the message it sends about who you are. "Perception is reality", as the saying goes. But aside from that, I think the real problem is, you expect your bf to see what he did wrong, and he doesn't see it - and isn't going to. It's not so much about what he did wrong vs. how you did nothing wrong, it's more about how you're just re-living your childhood with this man and it's not going to work out. He's not going to change who he is, and you're not going to suddenly enjoy having a finger pointed in your face (nor should you). This is called irreconcilable differences. It's not going to work. Find a man who is mature, i.e. who has great control of his emotions and is respectful toward women. You'll be so happy you won't know what you were thinking by being with anyone else.
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