JaneS Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I feel so mixed up right now. Have been posting on here of late about my boyfriend of 7 months. This evening I broke up with him via the telephone and now feel so desperately guilty about it. We do live 3 hours apart but something tells me now that I should have waited a couple of days before driving to see him to do it in person. I feel callous in my decision making. He wants to meet up this week but I know that it is because he wants to try again. I feel like this is so much of a mess now and I cannot think straight. He has mental health issues which makes things worse as I am dealing with a very sensitive situation. I cannot believe I did not wait. How can I attempt to tidy up this dreadful mess? Please help
Exit Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Many people automatically feel regret after a big decision, whether or not they really regret it. Obviously some part of you wanted to get it over with, otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation. If you feel bad about it, then I guess agree to see him this weekend. If you don't want to be with him, don't let the guilt change your mind. Try to answer whatever questions he might have but don't offer friendship or any of that BS. It shows you aren't an awful human being that you feel bad for having to remove someone for your life, it's better than feeling nothing.
Author JaneS Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 I just thought that seeing him might be putting the knife in further; I would be hurting him more. I cannot sleep now because I think that I should have shown more respect to him by driving down there to actually see him. I feel terrible now and this cannot be undone.
SRTtoZ Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I strongly reccomend you call him and tell him you need space and time. Both of you need a few weeks ALONE and no contact to get your thoughts together. When people break up they lose reality and start saying and doing stupid things...With some space and no contact, both people can think and realize certain things that they wouldnt be able to do while still in contact. If after a few weeks you still feel teh same, tell him...but maybe you wont feel the same and want to try things again. Give him a reason to want to fight for you...and let him realize (if anything) what hes done wrong so he can make changes.
boogieboy Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I disagree SRT, she should not tell him she needs space and time. She thought about this already and did the right thing by telling him straight up that its over. Do not go to see him now, theres no use in seeing him, it would hurt more if you saw him. he will also think that you are going down there to try to fix things, and that would be worse if youre just going down there to dig the knife in deeper.
Exit Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I like boogieboys answer more than my own. He's right, it's too late, it was already done over the phone, going in person will just add to the stress and confusion now. Just leave it alone for a little bit. If you can't get past the guilt, at some point when the wounds aren't fresh, you could say sorry that it happened over the phone and that you just handled it the wrong way because you were stressed out.
Author JaneS Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you all for replying and giving your opinions. Exit, I was stressed out about some plans he was trying to pin me down about and rather than lead him to believe the plans were on, I felt the need to tell him that evening. I can't stop beating myself up about it though. I need to sit down and do some long, hard thinking about this. I feel as though I don't know my own mind right now. Still questioning whether I have made the right decision. So worried too because he has the most amazing family who I got on with really well - fearful that they will think that I am cruel and heartless in addition to my now ex boyfriend.
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 dont worry about his family. yes, you liked them and they were nice people but their opinion of you doesnt matter, whether you would have gone down there or not they would still be upset, not at you but how their son is hurt. its not your fault, sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes it doesnt want. you did the right thing by telling him what you were feeling and when you were feeling it rather then buttering him up and giving him hope. DONT go to see him. that will just make it hurt more. he will get false hope thinking that since you came to see him to talk about it that you still love him and can work it out. if you feel bad about the phone call just remember this for next time and do it in person with the next break up you have. p.s. i dont know why but i alway wanted to incorporate this into a reply
Author JaneS Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 thanks edward-e.....I will remember it for next time (face to face rather than the phone) but I felt it necessary at the time because of the arrangements that we were making. During the break up conversation on the phone yesterday, I did agree to meet with him. I don't feel as though I am handling this in a sensible/ adult manner right now because my head is so mixed up. Again, the situation is made worse because he is trying to recover from a very complex mental health issue - can things be rectified? If so, how?
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 can things be rectified? If so, how? first, what do you mean rectified? do you mean you still wanna be with him? or rectified in the sense of you dont wanna meet him although you told him you would? he is trying to recover from a very complex mental health issue - second, i know what youre going through i once dated a girl who had multiple split personalities and when we broke up it was hard cuz i kept thinking of what was going on with her and if she was gunna commit suicide or try to attack me. its a hard thing to do. i think the best thing to do in that situation is to be honest and tell them exactly how it is and avoid all contact and try to stay as far away from them as you can for the time being. if his parents know about the mental health issue and that you have broken up then they should watch him to make sure hes ok.
Author JaneS Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Rectified....in the sense that I have told him I will meet with him when I shouldn't have. I am not quite sure what to say to him this afternoon? Right now I am so torn. I am very concerned that the guilt that I am feeling over how this has been dealt with so far is clouding my judgment. I have been posting about this guy now for some time and clearly there are issues within the relationship. I do know, that he does listen when I express my concerns and tries to make things better. The mental health issue is very serious and that was what got in the way as well as distance...see here for context - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194881/ I don't feel that I can trust my own judgment any more because there are so many thoughts flying around my head. I need to sort them out quickly though because I know that I will be speaking with him later on today - I need to be clear so as not to hurt him any further.
edward-e Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 i think you made a mistake in telling him youd see him. but since its done and you seem content to not back out of it. id be honest with him and just say its not working and i dont see it working in the foreseeable future. DO NOT give him hope though try to avoid say i still love you, and things of that sort.
boogieboy Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 If you dont know what to say you shouldnt go. If youre completely confused, you might say the wrong things to him that will give him false hope. You really shouldnt go.
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