Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 But, really Girl, I think this guy just wants you! Anyway, to the poster, You need to let your husband go.
Mino Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 BlackWhite stop being a rude pig! There are other ways to express yourself, or are you not very well educated? FromI, please excuse this poster's uncalled for rudeness -- he has issues. He has been on these boards for a very long time, being so rude that he gets kicked off LoveShack boards for it -- he has been banned repeatedly, and keeps on coming back under different names, for example: SignedIn2008, Windy, Creek, Sky123... pay him no mind. DO NOT REPLY TO HIM. He is what is called a Troll -- patrolling these boards and being despicably rude to posters who have asked for help and have exposed themselves vulnerably in doing so. This poster however, NEVER gives out personal information about himself. He deserves to be reported, and ignored. BlackWhite -- GET A LIFE or change your tone. Grow up OK?! How did you figure out all this? wow , I remember some of these names, all rude, amazing, you think the wierdos are gone and they just come back under a new name:eek:
boldjack Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 OP, I think that right now, you are an extremely selfish person. You are more concerned about how you will be percieved, than the welfare of your husband and child. You make repeated references to the shame etc. You cannot p[ossibly remake your marriage unless you start to be honest with your husband, honest with the OM, honest with your friends and family and most of all, honest with yourself. Possibly, in the course of being a more honest person, you will find that the marriage will not work. Then you must make the honest decision to end it. Your child deserves an honest mother, please try to be one.
Reggie Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I agree with the others on the cutting the cord with your H deal. I did not have all that much resentment over my XWW's cheating . I do have resentment over the years I wasted and sacrificed in an attempt to make her happy and to love me. I think many BSs have this resentment, as , in effect, your actions are saying to your H, "My life, my precious years on this planet, have greater value than yours. I have enabled myself to find love and all the gratification and pleasure that goes along with it. I have no problem with the fact that you, in reliance on my vows, have not pursued similar gratification." See, this is one thing I feel many WSs do not consider. It is not so much the cheating itself that hurts the Bs. Rather it is often the fact that the BS finds him/herself years down the road, with fewer options available for finding fulfillment because of the deception. Lakeside is a perfect example. His XWw , like mine, apparently had a double life that included lots of fun and excitement and "love" that mine did not. Had I known this was going on, I would have taken steps to get out. Now, at my age, I had to face the prospects of being alone for the remainder of my life, while my XWW hit the ground running with a relationship already in place. That is simply unfair, don't you agree?
lkjh Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 whatever you do, get rid of the OM. If you and your H divorce it will be hell on him if you end up with the OM. You should not force this man into your H and child's life anymore. Next time try to uphold your vows.
seibert253 Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Let's make sure I got this right: A's been over for 2 plus years, but you're only 6months NC. Does your husband know you've continued contact with the OM. I don't think he's be too pleased about that. You say you've tried to come back to the marriage, but you've continued contact with the OM? I'll be blunt, not trying to be an azz, but to the point. I don't think in the 2 plus years you have truely tried to work on repairing your marriage and fully committing to your husband. If you did, you would have NEVER contacted the OM again after Dday. Only 6 months NC, you still in the fog. I'm sorry, but I don't believe you've fully put everything you have into your marriage and repairing what you've damaged. If you did, you wouldn't be contacting the OM and ending back at square one. An affair is like a drug, only way to end the feelings of "love" is cold turkey. It takes years to repair a marriage after an A. For both the WS and the BS. Maybe I missed this, but are you and your husband in counseling. Have you had any at all? If you did it surely wasn't successful, probably for a number of reasons. You may wish to try again, with a different counselor. One last question. Does your husband know how you feel? Have you told him? Listen, if you truely have given this your all, but I'm not convinced you have, you need to let go and move on. You owe that to yourself and your husband. But, I think first you should truely and honestly give it one last shot. You may be surprised how soon you rediscover the love you have for your H. Good Luck to you and your family.
Athena Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 That is exactly why you cant leave "for" anyone else. You need to decide whether you want the marriage, not whether being with OM would be better than being married. If you left, and you werent with OM, would you still be pleased with your decision. Youve been cheating for 2 years, clearly something is wrong in your marriage. There are no assurances in ANY relationship (just look at the 50%) divorce rate. dlarna eno JJ, I am mystified... what does < dlarna eno > mean?!
Athena Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 We sort of tried to make the marriage work, but I didn't realize how important NC is... and my H was to hurt to actually try make me fall in love with him again... This sentence bothers me. It's you putting the responsibility onto your H for making you fall in love with him again...
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I chose the marriage for the sake of my child and probably the shame wrong choice. your husband deserves a better life with someone else. Your children will be fine. but my heart is just somewhere else and I don't know what to do with it. get a divorce and set your husband free from you. and if you get a divorce, do right by him and don't try to drag him through a bed of broken glass. You've done enough. You all will say NC for life no, I say get a divorce I am not going to say what I need from my husband and what i want him to be like and how my needs are not fulfilled, etc etc... to try to justify my A. yet ya slipped that little tidbit in there anyway, eh? I have no excuse and I am the only one to blame... but I feel I don't love H anymore, although I care so much about him... I am so scared for my son's future and how he would be affected if we divorced... your son will be fine. So quit holding your husband hostage. set him free. Am i going to be the worst person to have brought up a child to this world and now wanting to separate from his father anymore? No. You would be the worst person if you stayed with your husband for the wrong reasons and hold him hostage in a marriage to a woman that doesn't want him. Would I regret leaving my husband and would I ever recover from the shame and guilt and problems that come with a divorce? All these fears and the unknown future make it so hard for me to decide and stick with my decision... the unknown is hard to deal with. But having gone through it, my kids are just fine, I'm much happier, and my xW...well, if she is happy it remains to be seen, but then again, I don't care. so bottom line, you are not in love with your husband, you don't want him, you already know you two are wrong for each other....so why hold up any more years of his short time on this planet? set him free from you, and you can go off and do whatever it is you want to do without any strings.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 This will not end well. Please, please don't wait 15 or 25 years to tell your husband you love someone else. I've been there and done that and there is nothing worse than a man finding out his whole life has been comitted to a liar. EXACTLY!!!! well said and is the dead on truth!!! Let him know now. Make a clean break, save your husband years of abuse and eventual devistation.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Agreed. You're cheating your husband out of meeting someone else who will love him and be faithful to him well said again, this post needed a bump.
MistyK Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Athena, I didn't mean it that way...I do care for H. I have been doubting and thinking about this for way too long, this is why I said that if it weren't for the child I would have left, since after trying for some time, I don't see this working out. It's not like I would have left long time ago... I am talking what I'd do today.. after all this mess and after *trying* to rebuild the marriage, which we are clearly not doing so well. Ok, so you tried and it isn't working. What is the shame in that? You TRIED to make your M work and went NC with OM. When I had a similar issue in my life I kept coming back to the fact that it wasn't fair to pretend I loved my H, and that he deserved a chance to find someone who could love him the way he deserved to be loved. And I also figured, I deserved that chance too - he was/is an alcoholice porn addict, etc). My kids were 1 and 3 when we split. My 1 year old never missed a beat and my 3 year old is now 5 and totally secure. They only real mistake you could make in leaving is bringing you child around OM quickly. Your kid needs to get used to the idea of you and dad apart before he can deal with you and another man. Waiting til they're older only makes it hardder, and that was also a consideration of mine.
Owl Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'm going to disagree with you a bit, MistyK. She didn't go NC with OM...she stated earlier that she never got NC to stick. That's not TRYING. Or, I'd say that this was "trying"...but not "DOING!!!". I'm not arguing that there could be some serious underlying issues in her marriage, don't take me wrong. But I'd also argue that it's darned hard to make any kind of decent assessment of the marriage when you're involved in an affair. You just end up looking at the marriage through 'affair colored glasses'. Very commonly WS's re-write their own marital history...even in their own minds. Right now, this poster needs to make a DECISION. Either work on the marriage (and therefore go NC with OM completely and totally), or end the marriage (therefore file for divorce). Right now, her choice has been to do neither one well.
MistyK Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's not up to us to decide if her M is worth saving or if she tried "hard enough". And it certainly isn't up to anyone here to judge her for not trying "hard enough". Sounds to me like when she told her H she wanted D she already decided it wasn't worth saving. The real problem here is the fear of ending it. I know it's popular around here to advise everyone to try to work on the M no matter what. But from the OP's posts I'm not seeing that she really wants to. Fear isn't a good reason to stay. Neither the the OM a good reason to leave. Based on all of the above it would appear that she's better off leaving both men and moving on.
SRV Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Maybe someone can help me here, there was a thread kind of similar to your situation, a guy posting from Australia that moved to SoCal for the woman of his "dream". Had a wife and daughter, left them to be with her, the affair partner, please look it up and see how his story ends. Good luck!
Reggie Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's not up to us to decide if her M is worth saving or if she tried "hard enough". And it certainly isn't up to anyone here to judge her for not trying "hard enough". Sounds to me like when she told her H she wanted D she already decided it wasn't worth saving. The real problem here is the fear of ending it. I know it's popular around here to advise everyone to try to work on the M no matter what. But from the OP's posts I'm not seeing that she really wants to. Fear isn't a good reason to stay. Neither the the OM a good reason to leave. Based on all of the above it would appear that she's better off leaving both men and moving on. Perhaps you might take your own advice, then, and refrain from making recommendations regarding what she is better off doing.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Ok, so you tried and it isn't working. What is the shame in that? You TRIED to make your M work and went NC with OM. uh, in case you missed it....she only is wanting to keep the marriage for her son. She doesn't want to keep the marriage because she wants her H, because she doesn't want her husband. Whats the shame in it? keeping someone unknowingly held a hostage in the marriage to someone that isn't in love with him and thinks they are wrong for each other, and wasting years off his life.
bentnotbroken Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 It's not up to us to decide if her M is worth saving or if she tried "hard enough". And it certainly isn't up to anyone here to judge her for not trying "hard enough". Sounds to me like when she told her H she wanted D she already decided it wasn't worth saving. The real problem here is the fear of ending it. I know it's popular around here to advise everyone to try to work on the M no matter what. But from the OP's posts I'm not seeing that she really wants to. Fear isn't a good reason to stay. Neither the the OM a good reason to leave. Based on all of the above it would appear that she's better off leaving both men and moving on. I must be reading the wrong thread. I thought most people told her to let her H go so he could find someone who really loved him and respected him.
Darth Vader Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I must be reading the wrong thread. I thought most people told her to let her H go so he could find someone who really loved him and respected him. We did, we did!
Mino Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Let's make sure I got this right: A's been over for 2 plus years, but you're only 6months NC. Does your husband know you've continued contact with the OM. I don't think he's be too pleased about that. You say you've tried to come back to the marriage, but you've continued contact with the OM? I'll be blunt, not trying to be an azz, but to the point. I don't think in the 2 plus years you have truely tried to work on repairing your marriage and fully committing to your husband. If you did, you would have NEVER contacted the OM again after Dday. Only 6 months NC, you still in the fog. I'm sorry, but I don't believe you've fully put everything you have into your marriage and repairing what you've damaged. If you did, you wouldn't be contacting the OM and ending back at square one. An affair is like a drug, only way to end the feelings of "love" is cold turkey. It takes years to repair a marriage after an A. For both the WS and the BS. Maybe I missed this, but are you and your husband in counseling. Have you had any at all? If you did it surely wasn't successful, probably for a number of reasons. You may wish to try again, with a different counselor. One last question. Does your husband know how you feel? Have you told him? Listen, if you truely have given this your all, but I'm not convinced you have, you need to let go and move on. You owe that to yourself and your husband. But, I think first you should truely and honestly give it one last shot. You may be surprised how soon you rediscover the love you have for your H. Good Luck to you and your family. You know I have to disagree. There comes a time to stop beating a dead horse. Some M do not recover. Catch the problem in the begining , sure with MC and dedication the M can be saved. But what your saying is pour some water on the dead plant, drown the damn thing, and it should come back to life. But guess, what, when its dead, its dead. She gave it a try. It didnt work, the feelings are gone, she should not have to sacrifice her whole life trying to put life back into something thats been dead for years. Geez, when I read some of the stuff here, its just nuts. There comes a time to move on, People do find happiness on their own again, including her H. Each are resonsible for there own life or maybe you need to change the vows to till misery do us part, its more realistic!
Reggie Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I agree, each is responsible for his/her own life. But, in this case, the H cannot make an informed decision because she has not told him that she is not in love with him and has had an affair. There is a very goo likeliehood that if he is provided with that information, he will not want to stay married. Perhaps there is no real dispute, other than his rightful pain and anger over the manner in which she went about this. I know for me and many of the men and women I have communicated with, it is the denial of the opportunity to make an informed decision, and the time spent subsidizing the affair that pisses them off the most. Most folks want to get the heck away from a cheating spouse after the intial shock and panic wears off. Statistics show that only a small percentage of marriages continue. Let this guy go so he can make a decent life for himself and avoid STDs.
seibert253 Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 You know I have to disagree. There comes a time to stop beating a dead horse. Some M do not recover. Catch the problem in the begining , sure with MC and dedication the M can be saved. But what your saying is pour some water on the dead plant, drown the damn thing, and it should come back to life. But guess, what, when its dead, its dead. She gave it a try. It didnt work, the feelings are gone, she should not have to sacrifice her whole life trying to put life back into something thats been dead for years. Geez, when I read some of the stuff here, its just nuts. There comes a time to move on, People do find happiness on their own again, including her H. Each are resonsible for there own life or maybe you need to change the vows to till misery do us part, its more realistic! You missed the point. Many others got it. She did not give it a try. She went through the motions. Read her posts, she admits continuing contact with OM up until about 6 months ago. That's not trying. If she was really "trying", she would have went NC from the start. There's nothing lost by her REALLY giving it another shot and giving it 100% this time. She still in the fog, she's never came out of it. Not one to spread blame, but it's something her H should have insisted on from the get go. NC or there's the door. But, my guess is her H never knew she was continuing contact. If he did know, and did nothing to stop it, then I'm sorry, but he shares some of the blame for a failed R, and 2 and half wasted years. I made in crystal clear to my FWW, if you EVER contact the OM again, you're out the door.
Owl Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 It's not up to us to decide if her M is worth saving or if she tried "hard enough". And it certainly isn't up to anyone here to judge her for not trying "hard enough". Sounds to me like when she told her H she wanted D she already decided it wasn't worth saving. The real problem here is the fear of ending it. I know it's popular around here to advise everyone to try to work on the M no matter what. But from the OP's posts I'm not seeing that she really wants to. Fear isn't a good reason to stay. Neither the the OM a good reason to leave. Based on all of the above it would appear that she's better off leaving both men and moving on. Misty, you're the one who tried to comfort her by telling her that "she tried". Others disagreed with YOUR assessment. What makes them any less right than you for giving THEIR assessment?
Author FromI Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Thanks everyone for your posts. I know I didn't try hard enough, I guess I am a very weak and selfish person. I feel that I am not committed and I am not sure how to make myself be committed. To those that think my H doesn't know everything. He knows. He also knows my feelings, he knows I don't love him anymore the way I did, I told him that and he told me that he sees that too. He sees I'm trying to be close to him, but that I have changed... and at the same time, he can't get over what I've done to him and that holds him back from getting close to me... I wonder if the love can come back... or did it go away because he is just not right for me.. I did decide... I chose my family... I went full NC (I know it took a while but I did it).. but then I don't see changes in me or him... The decision was made with the part of me that still thinks rationally, however my heart is still somewhere else. I guess that's not really deciding. I failed and with my failure I made people I care for suffer.
Owl Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Here's the thing...in order to work past all of this, the two of you need to actually WORK on things...BOTH of you. You need to go NC with OM...PERIOD. Regardless if you see changes or not. You also need to make sure that you're clearly communicating your needs to your H. And...you need to work WITH your H to become an "open book", allowing trust to be rebuilt. You also need to listen to him, and work on meeting his needs. Your H needs to make the effort to forgive you...once you've taken your steps to earn it. He needs to listen to your needs...and work to meet them. Marriage counseling can help a LOT if you maintain NC, and find a counselor who has a good track record and plan for marital recovery, especially after infidelity.
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