FromI Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I've been following this forum for a couple of months... and finally found the courage to tell my story. I will try to keep it shorter. I thought I was happily married for a few years... until I fell in love with a OM who was single. Started with EA that gradually became PA and we've been seeing each other for over 2 years almost every day. Guilt was there at the beginning, then it faded.. and my double life became a norm to me.. OM tried to end it at the beginning a few times... he knew it was not going anywhere, since I have a husband and a little child and he had to try to move on with his life. But I always went back to him each time, only a few days after we would stop. Then we got so attached to each other and started making the "what if" plans and fantasies and we were so close, that I can't describe. I was seriously thinking of leaving H... and, of course, as it always happens to cheaters, H found out... I got scared.. what will happen to my child (toddler), I will lose my friends, my family will never understand, will lose everything... We sort of tried to make the marriage work, but I didn't realize how important NC is... and my H was to hurt to actually try make me fall in love with him again... I chose the marriage for the sake of my child and probably the shame... but my heart is just somewhere else and I don't know what to do with it. You all will say NC for life, imagine he is dead and that you'll never be together... but how can I force myself to do it? It is 2.5 years since I have fallen in love with him... and I am still as "in love" as at the beginning. I do believe in my heart that I married H to quickly (I dated him very little time) and I didn't realize that he is not a match for me. We grew apart and we can't seem to have that much in common besides our kid, of course. I am not going to say what I need from my husband and what i want him to be like and how my needs are not fulfilled, etc etc... to try to justify my A. I have no excuse and I am the only one to blame... but I feel I don't love H anymore, although I care so much about him... I am so scared for my son's future and how he would be affected if we divorced... Am i going to be the worst person to have brought up a child to this world and now wanting to separate from his father anymore? Would I regret leaving my husband and would I ever recover from the shame and guilt and problems that come with a divorce? All these fears and the unknown future make it so hard for me to decide and stick with my decision... I am so messed up in my head, that I don't know what is it with my life anymore... and the worst is that I am dragging other people in my mess and my unhappiness. My friend said today (the only other person that knows besides my mom) that if i knew that I'd be happy forever with the OM, I would leave my H without thinking... She is probably right... after what I've done in the past 2 years and how my life had been... and after reading all these situations that happens to people... nothing is certain... and that scares me one more time...
jj33 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 That is exactly why you cant leave "for" anyone else. You need to decide whether you want the marriage, not whether being with OM would be better than being married. If you left, and you werent with OM, would you still be pleased with your decision. Youve been cheating for 2 years, clearly something is wrong in your marriage. There are no assurances in ANY relationship (just look at the 50%) divorce rate. dlarna eno
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 It sounds like what you are saying is that you want to be with your OM, even though upon discovery, you chose to stick in the marriage. It also sounds like you are still trying to make up your mind as to which to choose -- life with OM, or life with H, or perhaps you will land up with neither. People on these boards have often advised to separate the two issues -- do you want a M with your H? The do you want a future with OM question comes after you decide what to do with your M. If you are only staying in your M for 'appearances' sake, you are making a poor choice, one which I doubt you will be able to live well with. You need to rethink this... If you could do ANYTHING you liked right now without any bad consequences such as Shame, Gossip, Loss of assets, Blame, etc... would you walk away from your marriage?
LakesideDream Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This will not end well. Please, please don't wait 15 or 25 years to tell your husband you love someone else. I've been there and done that and there is nothing worse than a man finding out his whole life has been comitted to a liar. Let him know now. Make a clean break, save your husband years of abuse and eventual devistation.
Author FromI Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 If it weren't for my child ... I'd leave. But I am not on my own anymore, I have a responsibility (not that I've been doing a good job with it...)
Author FromI Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 He knows... but I think both of us have some hope (for the sake of everything that we will destroy by ruining this family) that maybe I can love him again like before...
LakesideDream Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Responsibility? You mean responsiblity to see you and your child are fed and housed? What about the responsibility to be faithful ? Your husband should have all the information you posess in order to make an informed decision as to whether to remain married to you or not. I'm afraid the grass will be greener again... and again. Ending when your H gets fed up, or you meet someone else to support your.
PhoenixRise Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 You know Marriage is not supposed to be some kind of hostage situation. You Can Leave. Did it ever occur to you that you are depriving your child of the opportunity to see what a healthy relationship looks like? If you don't love your husband then let him go. If the marriage is dead then end it. You are not doing your husband or your child any favors by staying in a dead marriage. How long are you going to maintain the status quo? You will stay in the marriage because you are afraid of winding up alone but you will continue to cheat on your husband? It is just not fair for you to hold on to your husband while you hold out for some promise of "forever happiness" from another man.
Author FromI Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 H knows everything. The relationship with him is not bad, our child sees a normal relationship... but the connection is lost... it's not about grass being greener on any side, it's just that it doesn't feel green were I am now. I have NC with OM for a few months, that's when I started to read this forum and see how others are getting out of these situations.
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 If it weren't for my child ... I'd leave. But I am not on my own anymore, I have a responsibility (not that I've been doing a good job with it...) Your child is a toddler, and most likely will not remember much under the age of 4 when he is older... you still have time to set up your life in a different way. You can divorce and remarry and your child will still have it's father in it's life... and if you are stable in a new marriage, things should work out okay. What are you waiting for? For the child to leave for college?!
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 H knows everything. The relationship with him is not bad, our child sees a normal relationship... but the connection is lost... it's not about grass being greener on any side, it's just that it doesn't feel green were I am now. You seem to be saying you would not be with your H in any way if it weren't for the child... Your poor H -- he is going to be f*$cked up good and proper... by your deigning to stay married to him....
Author FromI Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Athena, I didn't mean it that way...I do care for H. I have been doubting and thinking about this for way too long, this is why I said that if it weren't for the child I would have left, since after trying for some time, I don't see this working out. It's not like I would have left long time ago... I am talking what I'd do today.. after all this mess and after *trying* to rebuild the marriage, which we are clearly not doing so well.
Darth Vader Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 You seem to be saying you would not be with your H in any way if it weren't for the child... Your poor H -- he is going to be f*$cked up good and proper... by your deigning to stay married to him.... Agreed. You're cheating your husband out of meeting someone else who will love him and be faithful to him, but he will forever have the scars that you gave him! Sounds like a security marriage thing. How did hubby find out?
bentnotbroken Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Let your H go and find someone deserving of his love and who will love him and not mope around for another man. You are not only wrong for the A, but wrong to treat your H with such disrespect and disdain. So what you deal with a little embarrassment. Isn't your beloved OM worth it? So what are viewed the way you really are instead of the act you are putting on now for friends and family? At least it would be the truth. Get over your fear, your shame and yourself. Let your H have a life.
eyeswide Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Hi FromI, Not sure I can help, but I'll offer you what I can: - I didn't feel the connection again with my husband after my A. I loved him but felt a big emptiness and NC was hard. In fact, it was an "I miss you" email exchange 3 mos after the fact that my H found in my email. In all honesty, I didn't have any intention of seeing OM again. He wrote to me that he missed me and I cared enough about him to reply and say "I miss you too, but this is best." - After D-day, we "recovered" and I felt really, truly recommitted to our marriage. It blew my fog away, for sure. BUT -- there was not getting over the reality that there was a large rift between us still and an emptiness in my heart that I just didn't know how to fill and that he didn't seem interested in looking at. We plodded along for several years. NC was easier after D-day, but I still missed what I had felt with OM -- all that aliveness -- and doubted my H's ability to give me what I needed. After a couple of years, we seemed to find a comfortable peace and I was happy, the kids were happy and things felt okay again. But, I felt like he was even less available to me emotionally than ever before. And I figured I had caused it, and I felt so guilty about it that I didn't want to press him. Which I think added to the sad, empty feeling for both of us. - So, while I was relatively happy, "comfortable happy," I don't think he was happy during that time. How do I know? Because he recently had an affair himself. Yup. And it was the most horrible thing my heart has ever experienced. (This is the part where people tell me "I got what I deserved..." -- and I like to beat them to the punch.) And yet, since that D-day EVERYTHING has changed. Since he ended it, his recommitment to our marriage seems totally different. Some might say that his was a revenge A, but he doesn't think so (bc of the way his feelings developed over time for the OW). I don't know if he needed to experience something like what I did in order to have true empathy for me? Maybe. All I can say is everything feels different now. I no longer feel the emptiness that I felt before. I feel more capable of telling my H all my feelings and feel like he wants to hear them. I feel like he is really present. loved and hopeful and like he is better for me than OM ever could have been. Since you are feeling so much doubt yourself, though, even after D-day, I don't know if it's the same situation. I felt ready to recommit to my marriage as soon as my A was discovered. But I didn't feel all that connected to my H and that feeling grew. In retrospect, it seems like he wasn't able to trust me with his heart and that in turn kept my heart feeling so flat and unfulfilled. It's now 6 mos since my D-day. It's getting better all the time instead of worse. I hope you find clarity. I hope it doesn't take getting your heart broken for it to happen. Much love.
BlackWhite Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Let your H go and find someone deserving of his love and who will love him and not mope around for another man. Thank you for agreeing with everything I have said.
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Selfish cheaters like you (******* ***** ******** blah blah blah BlackWhite stop being a rude pig! There are other ways to express yourself, or are you not very well educated? FromI, please excuse this poster's uncalled for rudeness -- he has issues. He has been on these boards for a very long time, being so rude that he gets kicked off LoveShack boards for it -- he has been banned repeatedly, and keeps on coming back under different names, for example: SignedIn2008, Windy, Creek, Sky123... pay him no mind. DO NOT REPLY TO HIM. He is what is called a Troll -- patrolling these boards and being despicably rude to posters who have asked for help and have exposed themselves vulnerably in doing so. This poster however, NEVER gives out personal information about himself. He deserves to be reported, and ignored. BlackWhite -- GET A LIFE or change your tone. Grow up OK?!
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Thank you for agreeing with everything I have said. yeah except that she is smart and has control of the English language, and can express herself... makes you think, doesn't it?
BlackWhite Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 BlackWhite stop being a rude pig! There are other ways to express yourself, or are you not very well educated? This makes me laugh.
BlackWhite Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 yeah except that she is smart and has control of the English language, and can express herself... makes you think, doesn't it? FYI, many people in here agrees with me and side with me. Makes you think, doesn't it? Now, stop stalking me around and hating on me.
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 This makes me laugh. Why? Because I turned your words 'cheating pig' into 'rude pig'? or because you fancy yourself someone educated? Cuz it doesnt' shine through, Mister... FYI, many people in here agrees with me and side with me. Makes you think, doesn't it? Now, stop stalking me around and hating on me. and why is it, do you think, that you keep on being banned? That you keep on being 'hated'? One would think if you were smart enough, you would change your personal attacks on others...
BlackWhite Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Why? Because I turned your words 'cheating pig' into 'rude pig'? or because you fancy yourself someone educated? Cuz it doesnt' shine through, Mister... and why is it, do you think, that you keep on being banned? That you keep on being 'hated'? One would think if you were smart enough, you would change your personal attacks on others... Because I am 98% sure that I am more educated that you'll ever be. Who's hating on me now other than you? Makes you think, doesn't it?
Athena Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Because I am 98% sure that I am more educated that you'll ever be. Who's hating on me now other than you? Makes you think, doesn't it? umm, lemme see... perhaps the fact that you have been banned SO MANY TIMES?!... so... how do you explain that? hmm?
Athena Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Thank you for agreeing with everything I have said. Lol BW your 'wonderful post' isn't there anymore... guess there was something wrong with the way you worded it... Anyway, thank goodness BentNotBroken has been able to verbalize it better than you could, and her post is still there... I wish you well with your future attempts at expressing your thoughts, and lets see if they can stay on the boards (and/or You) for a little longer this time... good luck with improving your writing skills (which college did you graduate from?! ).Because I am 98% sure that I am more educated that you'll ever be.
Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 umm, lemme see... perhaps the fact that you have been banned SO MANY TIMES?!... so... how do you explain that? hmm? Girl, just Block the guy, just like in those commercials where the parents say to the character/s sitting right in front of them that "they'll just have to block them". My favorite one is where the Lady says to the chainsaw guy, "yeah, you're really scary, but, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to block you, Oh, and tell all the other zombies that they're blocked too".:cool:
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